To wonder how mums who don't have a job outside the home feel when their children leave the nest?

[Runninghat]

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

I love my job but totally understand that not everyone does
Mine are all away at Uni,am just glad they have that opportunity
I work more hours now they are not at home (partly to support them)

[quote Runninghat]@Darbs76 yes I am grateful too as it gives me a distraction when they leave - I can go to a meeting and get really involved in a project and it helps to distract from the gap they leave when they go.[/quote]
Maybe I could be goady and say I spent enough time with them when they were at home so I didn't feel a gap when they left. My cup was full.

My kids are 16 and I've worked for nearly 30 years and I am knackered.
I'd love to give up work. In fact, when/if they go to uni, I'd like that even more as I would have nobody to look after but me. Sounds wonderful.

@Snazzyjazzpants

My MIL strategy was to allow a co-dependant relationship with her youngest son. Now she has passed away leaving a petulant manchild who can't go through a day without a mummy on hand to mollycoddle him. I mean, he's 34, never had a job never had a girlfriend and sulks if he has to come out of his room to eat dinner (mummy bought it in on a tray). FIL is retired , his health is failing and BIL won't get off his lazy arse to even do the dishes. Because if mummy was here, she would swoop in and make sure he didn't have to. I'm sure not every SAHM does this, but I'm also sure if she had something else waiting for her he would have had to fend for himself a bit more. As it was, he was the centre of her world, and now it ruined his life.

My Mum worked full time - she had a professional career and 6 kids. She also had a golden child she doted on...did everything for him, tended to his every whim, at 90 years old, she is still like this - it is not a function of working versus not working. She didn't do it for her other 5 kids and if she'd all the time in the world - it would all be dedicated to the golden child.

They usually have parents to look after!

All the answers above have covered the ops question, so a new question is...

Why do people do what the op has done here? Ie pretend fake concern when someone chooses a different route to themselves, in order to show their superiority.

You see it on mn quite often and it's obviously not particularly kind. I think it's possibly

1. Lacking imagination
2. Insecurity
3. Deeply unhappy with their own lives

deliaskis

I think its perfectly fair that on a thread ‘worried’ about empty nest syndrome in SAHMs that SAHMs reply to say they don’t have it

I feel that we are helping put the obviously concerned OPs mind at rest…I thought that would be a good thing 😀

Dh was so worried that we would get empty nest syndrome that we moved last June just before child number 3 left for uni. He now reckons we moved at least 3 years too early 😀

(And I don’t think there are that many arsey comments…)

Why are you even thinking this OP? Saying that, Many women these days seem who live through their children. Do more empty nest syndrome. Not for me, I can't wait!

@Deliaskis Did you actually read what the op wrote - or did just ignore the dig she made because it didn't apply to you? This was not a general empty nester thread...it had nasty undertones you seem completely oblivious to.

I will miss DS I am sure but my life while he is at school is v busy with volunteering and hobbies. I can’t see how they will fill any gaps less well than paid work.

If anyone doesn’t believe this is a real problem for many women join one of the parent university groups in September / October time. Endless posts about this very thing

@Darbs76

If anyone doesn’t believe this is a real problem for many women join one of the parent university groups in September / October time. Endless posts about this very thing

No doubt it is a real problem for some parents but it's not a uniquely SAHM problem.

I would be thrilled. I would treat it like the early retirement I am pining for and spend my days with our cat who we adopted when DS1 left. I might even get another cat.

DS2 leaves for Uni this year, it is sad but I’ve learned from DS1 that they still need you a lot and those months at Uni go very quickly. DS1’s terms are essentially 2 and a little bit months long so he’s home almost as much as he is at university🤷‍♀️

What absolute rubbish. I do work (at times for various reasons I have had periods of time where I am a SAHM but then gone back to work).

I love what I do and I love my dc and whilst I fully expect to go through a tough transition (as a pp said its about moving on from the active oarenting period which is somewhere between 18 and 25 years...silly to assume there won't be an emotive aspect to transition) but good lord would I think I'd missed something if the only option for me to cope would be work.

What a silly 2 dimensional view of women. I have 20628463 things I would do as well as or instead of work.

You are aware the only two options are not just work and dc ? Might want to broaden your horizons. I know several sahm who have great plans for when they are out of active daily parenting and only about half have anything to do with work.

I'd really like to think we understand as a whole that women are not just required to raise children and /or earn money? We are writers, painters, charity supporters, travellers etc etc.

I am dreading when dd leaves to go to university, I will miss her so much, but I too am extremely grateful for my career as it gives me a strong sense of purpose and fulfilment and something that I'll be able to channel my energies into when dd goes.

My own SAHM mum completely fell apart when I left home, as dsis and I had been her main focus for years and she suddenly felt that she had no purpose. She tried doing some volunteering etc and she tried to go back to work but she had lost a lot of confidence and it didn't really work. She became very depressed and has never been the same since tbh.

I totally accept that some people are happy filling their lives with hobbies and time with friends etc, and I'm happy that it works for them, but personally that wouldn't be enough for me. I would need some sort of work - paid or voluntary - to give me a sense of meaning and purpose.

I think the best thing for SAHPs to do is to maintain a sense of self outside the home a plan ahead to that time in their lives so that they know what they're going to do with themselves - whether that's paid work or something else entirely. I really would not want anyone to go through what my mum experienced when we left home, and frankly, I would not want their kids to go through it either, as the guilt that I felt for just getting on with my life was overwhelming.

If anyone doesn’t believe this is a real problem for many women join one of the parent university groups in September / October time. Endless posts about this very thing.

I don't think anyone's suggesting that empty nest syndrome is not a thing, are they? The question is whether having a job cures it. I understand that if a woman has done nothing of any interest or value but look after her children, then the transition might be very hard. But I think it's pretty offensive to assume that SAHMs in general have nothing in their life but their children, or that they are incapable of finding things to stimulate them once their children leave home.

Relieved, sad, happy, elated, a mixture of happy and sad

Very much like all parents when their children leave home

@Darbs76

If anyone doesn’t believe this is a real problem for many women join one of the parent university groups in September / October time. Endless posts about this very thing

But I think initially a lot of people do feel down / sad and have that whole empty nest thing (I know I did) but a few weeks later it passed and I’m enjoying the new found freedom of having the house a bit more empty and less clutter etc and finding stuff to do and keep myself busy in other ways. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other…!

It’s just like early retirement really.

You know OP, that thing you’re working towards yourself. Whatever will you do!?

Also, if you’ve done your job properly empty nest shouldn’t be much of an issue.

Mine were self sufficient before they left home

I never dreaded any stage in my children's lives - I enthusiastically embraced them all - it's a privilege to be there with them as they explore new things - I've never really understood the parents who didn't want their children to grow up.

@Grasping

Also, if you’ve done your job properly empty nest shouldn’t be much of an issue.

Mine were self sufficient before they left home

I thought empty nest syndrome was about how the parent felt when their child left, not how they had taught them to be self sufficient?

Another passive aggressive dig at SAHM? Well done OP for having a career rather than a job. Maybe your friend will be happy to sit back now and have more free time to indulge her own hobbies and if she wants, go out to work. Believe it or not SAHMs who do so from choice are not simply staring at the wall or doing frantic housework in the times there kids are in school. They actually have time to have a life they have chosen. You have chosen career you enjoy they have chosen to do what they enjoy.

God I hate the implication the lives of SAHMs are meaningless

Only on MN do I see such negativity towards sahp. In the normal world no one bats an eyelid when I say I'm
Sahm and it usually opens a conversation about how terrible and expensive childcare is in these parts which was a major reason for me deciding to leave work (I'm not in the UK). As it turns out one of my DC has autism so now our weeks are full of OT appointments etc so one of us needs to be around and as DH earns about 4 times what I could earn it makes no sense for him to stay at home.

An absolute gem I once read on here was where someone said they don't know any sahps as obviously everyone in their social circle had such good educations and high flying careers that it wasn't even a thing that occurred to them and if they met a sahm then they genuinely wouldn't even be able to hold a conversation with them as they would have so little in common. It was hilarious as the poster obviously thought they sounded like a bloody intellectual but actually they sounded thick as pig shit. Through toddler groups and indeed some of the special needs groups I've attended I've met parents of every background who've decided being at home is what works for their family.
Sorry for waffling on but basically it's no one else's business

@safefromharm

I never dreaded any stage in my children's lives - I enthusiastically embraced them all - it's a privilege to be there with them as they explore new things - I've never really understood the parents who didn't want their children to grow up.

I think it's entirely possible to celebrate your child's growing independence and be thrilled for them having the chance to explore their own hopes and dreams while also feeling incredibly sad at the passing of time and knowing how much you're going to miss them when they're gone.

I have loved every single stage of dd's childhood. Adored the squidgy baby stage and never wanted it to end. Loved the cute toddler years and still wish that I could have that funny little person back from time to time. Relished the super sweet primary school years and watching my dd's personality develop. And the teen years have probably been my favourite of all so far because dd is brilliant company and I'm immensely proud of the incredible person who she has become I'm hugely excited for her about the opportunities that lie ahead. I can see that the world is her oyster and I absolutely want her to make the most of all that life has to offer. I wouldn't ever want to hold her back. However, I'm able to feel excited about her future and relish the opportunity to watch how it all unfolds while simultaneously knowing that I am going to miss her dreadfully when she goes. I will miss our chats about anything and everything, the way she makes me laugh more than anyone else I know, the kind little things she does for me, the amazing positive energy that she brings to our house. That doesn't mean that I want to stop her from growing up and moving on... far from it, as that's the opposite from what we have been working towards all these years. It just means that I will miss what we have now in the same way that I still look back wistfully to the baby and toddler years and sometimes wish that I could re-live those years again because I loved them. I love and delight in my dd as she is now, and I'm sure that I will love and delight in how things unfold as she becomes an independent adult, but I will also miss the stages that have gone before.