To wonder how mums who don't have a job outside the home feel when their children leave the nest?

[Runninghat]

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

Most of mine had left home - (one still at school) - I was really enjoying my freedom and hobbies.
Suddenly - for various reasons, they’re all back - which is obviously lovely, but my children are now getting in the way of my new found freedom!

Don’t worry about your friend - I’m sure she’ll cope.

But OP, will you cope in retirement if you’re so reliant on work for your self-esteem?

I’m still waiting for an empty nest. My 22yo still lives at home - although she does have secondary age siblings. I think I’d find loads to do though if I wasn’t working as you gradually move away from doing things for children and they start going out more anyway. It’s a gradual process and you adapt along with them as you do from the moment they are born. To be honest I’m quite looking forward to it, I seem to have been raising children forever (eldest is 24, youngest 13). I wouldn’t need to be working to keep busy, I’d been increasing my hobbies and travelling more, weekends away etc.

Have been at home with my kids all their lives till they left for University - both of them in one hit - twins! How did I feel? Excited for them and all the adventures they were about to have - literally the best time, IMO, of your/my life was had at Uni and I'm so glad they got the opportunity and they settled and are loving it. Ds said, I hope you don't get upset Mum I love you but I'm not homesick, I was really happy to hear that - dd was a bit homesick to begin with and I was there when she needed me.

Sure, the house was a bit quieter than usual, noticed it for about a week, I was not miserable - dh and I went out more, saw my friends more, enjoy chatting to dcs when they are on their way to a lecture, or they'd video call me while they cooked etc. My life did not fall to bits when they left.
Another friend who is very much career orientated was a bucket of stress though, could not let her son go, missed him terribly, was really struggling to cope - I didn't blame her feelings on working outside the home for 18 years - we're all different, stop making assumptions about people, live your own shit.

This is my absolute dream. An empty house and I can do whatever I want. Unfortunately I work full time and unlikely I'll ever get this opportunity. 😪

I hated working. I have worked on and off when my older 2 were young, then when my youngest was about 9 months my dh got a decent job so I was able to quit and stay at home. My day is pretty full keeping on top of the house and I have little things to make a bit of money. Don't miss dealing with idiots at work, and travelling on a bus 2 hours a day. My husband works from home too so all worked out.

There is related to adjusting to kids leaving home though, and I acknowledged in my post that this wasn't just SAHPs.

I guess I was thinking about my MIL... she was at her happiest and most fulfilled when she had three teens at home, and all their mates piled in at the weekend for one of her legendary fry-ups. She spent 20 years focused almost solely on raising her children, and has spent the last 20 yrs missing being able to do that. That's not my assessment alone, she would say the same.

Sorry that was in response to @drawingpad

@drawingpad

God what an awful insinuation that mums who don't work have nothing but their children in the lives.

I work, but dream of retirement on a daily basis. DD is 17 and I can’t wait to retire - hopefully in 4 years. I am still dreading her leaving home, but I would dread it far less if I were able to fill my days with walks, reading, painting and coffee shops, or even a low stress, lower paid job (if I were lucky enough to find one.) ideally, I’d like to study again too. Not working is the dream for me.

Why don’t you worry about you op
And everyone else can worry about themselves

My mum has had a brilliant life. When my siblings and I left home she had more nights away, more time on her hobbies, meeting friends for lunch, spending precious time with elderly relatives before they passed.
She is 63 now and has done the last 10 half marathons in our city.

My MIL strategy was to allow a co-dependant relationship with her youngest son. Now she has passed away leaving a petulant manchild who can't go through a day without a mummy on hand to mollycoddle him. I mean, he's 34, never had a job never had a girlfriend and sulks if he has to come out of his room to eat dinner (mummy bought it in on a tray). FIL is retired , his health is failing and BIL won't get off his lazy arse to even do the dishes. Because if mummy was here, she would swoop in and make sure he didn't have to.
I'm sure not every SAHM does this, but I'm also sure if she had something else waiting for her he would have had to fend for himself a bit more. As it was, he was the centre of her world, and now it ruined his life.

[quote Runninghat]@Darbs76 yes I am grateful too as it gives me a distraction when they leave - I can go to a meeting and get really involved in a project and it helps to distract from the gap they leave when they go.[/quote]
What gap? You have a gap op?

I was a sahm with a full time job before children and a part time job after they went to school. Never had a career in my life. Just employment to bring in money.

I was delighted when my children left home and having the house to ourselves was bliss. There was no gap. They were out living their lives and I considered that a job well done. We saw them often and they didnt just disappear off the face of the earth.

I think you're making the mistake of thinking that everyone is like you op and that every women without a career to distract her is a martyr to her children. You couldn't be more wrong

I’m not a SAHM but seriously something else waiting for her

Like what? Because I know some jobs are very personally fulfilling but a lot aren’t.

What an odd post!
I think it shows a lack of imagination really. I work part time but if I gave up work I would fill my days no problem; meeting friends, hobbies, my garden, travelling. plus boring stuff like cleaning and decorating.
I would love to give up work!

Capitalism convinces too many people that working is the only thing of any value. Why would not working be ‘monotonous’? There’s a huge world of things to do out there, aside from paid work!

This! If you woke me up on any given day and said, today is yours, you can spend it doing anything you like, what would I choose to do?

Creative projects, seeing friends, relaxing, reading, watching TV, going to an exhibition or a museum, walking in a beautiful park, out for a nice lunch... the list goes on and on! "Go to work" would come QUITE far down the list. I don't think I'm unusual.

Then just imagine that, having that choice every day, and I think that's what it would be like! Bliss!

There are also loads of really rewarding and challenging volunteer roles available, if you still wanted to do something of service, in mental health, education, children's welfare and extracurricular clubs etc etc. In time, perhaps some grandchildren to be with.

It's great that you find your job so fulfilling OP, but I'm sure you can imagine that other people can think of lots of other things they'd rather be doing with their time. It's really nothing to worry about for your friend. Presumably she has had the choice to work outside the home and hasn't felt called to do so.

I imagine it's easy. I remember wondering how I would fill my days when my youngest started school but as soon as she did the days seemed to pass in an instant.

I think once your dc are teenagers and start living their own separate lives anyway you won't feel like there is a 'gap'. My dd is going to university in September, if the A levels go well, and I feel really happy for her.

@Snazzyjazzpants such a horrible, judgemental post re. someone who has passed away. Maybe one day your dcs will do the same or their partners " she worked too much /didn't work enough etc etc...
Putting all the blame for your bil failings on his mother is just so lazy itself. People can also turn out like this for a variety of reasons.

Why do you care so much OP?

Do you worry about her a lot?

"I can go to a meeting and get really involved in a project and it helps to distract from the gap they leave when they go."

Oh this is precious 🤣🤣

I can think of anything I'd want to do less! I did all that shit in my 20s. FWIW When kids go to uni they don't really leave - have you seen how long the holidays are?!

Not everyone is fulfilled by projects and meetings - I'm certainly not. I work part time at a job that adds some value, I'm looking into a voluntary role connected to one of my hobbies and I'm investigating a Masters when my youngest goes to uni.

Fuck the corporate world!!

I don't think that having or not having a job would make the slightest difference to my feelings about my children leaving home. I work, but a job is not the only way of keeping busy and stimulated. I can think of a gazillion projects, hobbies and activities I'd rather be doing than being at work, and which would keep me very enjoyably occupied.

My mum never really worked.

She's been absolutely fine 🤷‍♀️ she she walks her dog, cooks, helps with her grandchildren occasionally, has hobbies, sees friends.

It wouldn't bother me at all. I'd find plenty to fill my days.

What do you do if you don't have that?

I plan on doing whatever the hell I want to.

I hope none of my friends are this patronising. Ergh

@Deliaskis

There is related to adjusting to kids leaving home though, and I acknowledged in my post that this wasn't just SAHPs.

I guess I was thinking about my MIL... she was at her happiest and most fulfilled when she had three teens at home, and all their mates piled in at the weekend for one of her legendary fry-ups. She spent 20 years focused almost solely on raising her children, and has spent the last 20 yrs missing being able to do that. That's not my assessment alone, she would say the same.

Right, but the reason people were responding badly is because OP did frame it as an only SAHP issue. As if people who don't go to work have empty lives and rely on their children for everything.