To wonder how mums who don't have a job outside the home feel when their children leave the nest?

[Runninghat]

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

By the time they leave home children are grown up. It's not an overnight process, plenty of time to adapt.

@AlexaShutUp - that's a real shame for your mum - do fear think it's hereditary? Because it isn't typical.

[quote safefromharm]@AlexaShutUp - that's a real shame for your mum - do fear think it's hereditary? Because it isn't typical.[/quote]
No, I don't think what she experienced is hereditary, it was more circumstantial. S
She has strongly encouraged dsis and I to live our lives differently so I am not worried about the same thing happening to either of us.

What may or may not be hereditary is the need for a strong sense of purpose, wherever that purpose is located. I read on here about people who are entirely happy with lives that consist of pottering around and pursuing hobbies etc. I am not belittling that choice at all if it works for them, and there is a lot to be said for that kind of contented approach to life, but I can't say that I relate to it. I just don't think anyone in my family has that setting, and none of us would be fulfilled by that type of life.

@AlexaShutUp we should all be self-aware enough to know what suits us best but unfortunately, that is not what this thread is about.

The OP would like to project her own feelings onto her friends and that's not ok. Some people are meddlers - they just can't stick to their own shit - they have to get over-involved in other people's lives, always thinking they know what's best. Nevermind her poor friends - her poor bloody kids, they'll be glad to break free.

My DS is autistic, so I will continue to care for him for the rest of my life, or his, whoever goes first.

So while he's at school I sometimes put my feet up and read a book or have a nap instead of doing all the house jobs, because I am never going to retire.

@50DaysAF

Oh good another SAHM bashing thread.

Yes, how incredibly awful for them it must be… pitying head tilt.

This.

I’ve been a sahm and I’m now a ft working mum. I probably had more of a fulfilling existence when I was a sahm because I had time to do the things that bring me joy. I have lots of hobbies but I had far more time to participate then, I was the fittest I have ever been, I studied and retrained, I travelled and I spent lots of time with friends (there are a lot of sahm’s in my circle).

Also, I love my job but it’s no replacement for my dc. Mine haven’t gone anywhere yet but I am missing them already. I will be distraught when they actually leave but I’ll get used to it in the same way that everyone else does. I think a long gym session, girls holiday or lunchtime drinks with my friends who are going through the same thing with their own dc would prove far more of a distraction than being sat in a meeting at work.

I'd be thrilled and I'm sure I could think of a hundred better things to fill my time with than a work meeting. How dull.

I go where I want to, when I want to. Currently lounging in the sunshine looking out over the Atlantic Ocean.

[quote safefromharm]@AlexaShutUp we should all be self-aware enough to know what suits us best but unfortunately, that is not what this thread is about.

The OP would like to project her own feelings onto her friends and that's not ok. Some people are meddlers - they just can't stick to their own shit - they have to get over-involved in other people's lives, always thinking they know what's best. Nevermind her poor friends - her poor bloody kids, they'll be glad to break free.[/quote]
I haven't got the sense from the OP that she is intending to meddle in anything. She might be wondering how her friend will cope but there is no suggestion that she is planning to intervene in any way. Maybe the friend will struggle and maybe she won't. In many ways, I wish that a busybody friend had intervened for my mum before it was too late, but that's not ever a course of action that I would recommend as we never really know all that is going on in other people's lives.

You're right of course that the OP is projecting her own feelings onto other people. Of course it's wrong because we're all different, but I'm sure we all do it to a greater or lesser extent. I think she is right that some women do really struggle when their kids leave home, and that having a focus outside the family - whether that's a paid job or something else entirely - is probably a protective factor against that.

I miss my DD's terribly, but we are close and they text or phone every day.

It is very nice though to have less cooking and washing to do! Less general angst too.

To be frank, I am waiting for DH to go back to the office more and I can have the house to myself. Circumstances since Covid (and indeed before) meant that DH has been working from home for a few years now, and I just would like some space of my own. He also needs to get out of the house, it is not healthy.

So, there is my very selfish response. I love to have some time alone.

I wish I had had a "proper" career or profession to which I could have returned when I wanted to after being a stay at home parent, but my circumstances made it difficult. I really regret it. It feels as if I've wasted my life, I am not a good "home-maker", although to be fair, I am quite proud of how my offspring turned out, which may or may not be due to my having stayed at home throughout their childhood. OTOH, I decided to be a stay at home parent because my mother had carried on pursuing her career after we were born (in the Fifties, so quite unusual for the time) and I remember not liking being looked after by a series of au-pairs and my mother only getting home late and not really having time for us because my work, father, and her own mother and sisters took up all her time.

*her work, my father..

I’m 58 and the clear majority of my career friends of the same or similar age have either recently retired from their jobs or are in the course of doing so. I can’t tell you how envious I am at their lives while I spend every day stressing away at my job as we can’t afford for me to retire.

@AlexaShutUp - lots of ifs, buts and maybes… there’s got to be someone who fits the stereotype, for meddlers to justify their annoying ways.

Well I’m planning to stay in bed sniffing DD’s jumper and crying 🙄

I actually do stay at home, but it's to look after DH and I don't suppose he becomes able bodied again after the DC move out - nice idea though, we could both go back to full time work and reclaim something we list a long time ago.

@drawingpad

I actually do stay at home, but it's to look after DH and I don't suppose he becomes able bodied again after the DC move out - nice idea though, we could both go back to full time work and reclaim something we list a long time ago.

Some people have no idea of the enormous privilege they carry, do they? Threads like this just make carers sigh.

How you feel when you’re children “fly the nest” will depend on far more intrinsic factors than whether you have a job or not .

For instance - are you fulfilled in your marriage / relationship? How is your health? Do you have a social circle around you in similar circumstances and at at a similar stage if life? Do your financial circumstances allow you flexibility to travel or try new things?

I would argue, if you have been a long-term SAHM, you are used to filling your time and will have developed a certain type of resilience, so your children leaving home will be less of a ‘shock’. You are who you are, job or no job. It’s enough and you know that. You have nothing to prove.

OP - should we all pretend to worry about how you will cope when you retire? How will you possibly manage? Will you lose the plot?

Most people have more than child so it’s not like - boom... one day they’re gone and that’s it. It’s gradual and kids going on to uni is just another stage you adapt to.

We have 4 DC and our eldest is currently on a gap year abroad on another continent. He is 18 and I haven’t seen him in months. This time last year, I would have been worried about missing him and worrying too much. The reality is, I do miss him, but also he’s so happy and I’m actually not worried about him (in the way I would be if he was bored at home). So it’s liberating in a sense. Now I’m not anxious about him going to uni at all. As long as they’re happy, it’s a relief to see them growing up and making their own way.

Of course it’s changed the dynamic at home as there’s “only” 5 of us now. I just booked a holiday for us at Easter and it will be weird going away as a 5. But, I think the first one going prepares you for the others following. I haven’t worked since having children and actually, I’m not worried about it at all really. I feel as if I’ve done my bit and am ready for the shift. DH is winding down his work and we plan to spend time abroad and just do things we haven’t been able to do since we were early 30s. As long as the kids are happy, I can relax and throw myself into all sorts of things. To be honest, I’m more worried about how DH will cope as work has been such a massive part of his identity and how he structures his life, so stepping back will be a radical readjustment for him. He’s my main concern, to be honest, not me.

@AlexaShutUp

Having a paid job is not a guaranteed way to satisfy a desire for purpose or fulfilment, though. Many people don't get this from their jobs. Many jobs revolve around making money for this person or that person, or are mundane, or repetitive, or stressful, or draining, emotionally or physically.

If you don't have to do paid work, then you have the freedom, energy and time to find your fulfilment in any way you choose. I think that those who feel called to serve others will find their way to do it, throughout their lives. A paid job can actually get in the way of more spiritually rewarding and fulfilling activities.

It sounds like your DM's problem was depression or lack of self-esteem. Having a paid job wouldn't necessarily have been the answer she was looking for.

Why are you worried about her? I've always worked full time and intend to, but your post does not come across nicely!

@Ringingfromthetops

I would be quite happy if I never had to work again, tbh. I would fill my days no problem whatsoever.

This is the experience of most of my school friends mums. They had husbands with "big important jobs" so have their own lives... tennis club, art galleries, gardening, wine tasting, arts and crafts etc. Most were a bit put out when the kids came back after uni?!?

[quote ralanne]@AlexaShutUp

Having a paid job is not a guaranteed way to satisfy a desire for purpose or fulfilment, though. Many people don't get this from their jobs. Many jobs revolve around making money for this person or that person, or are mundane, or repetitive, or stressful, or draining, emotionally or physically.

If you don't have to do paid work, then you have the freedom, energy and time to find your fulfilment in any way you choose. I think that those who feel called to serve others will find their way to do it, throughout their lives. A paid job can actually get in the way of more spiritually rewarding and fulfilling activities.

It sounds like your DM's problem was depression or lack of self-esteem. Having a paid job wouldn't necessarily have been the answer she was looking for.[/quote]
My mother was most certainly depressed, but the primary reason for that, in her view, was that she had wasted her many talents and that she had not had the opportunities to contribute to society in the way that she could have done. That isn't a judgment on anyone else's life, it's just how she felt, and how she still feels today.

Of course, having a paid job is no guarantee of fulfilment or a sense of purpose. There are lots of boring, pointless jobs out there that pay the bills but don't give people any significant sense of achievement. It is no coincidence, I think, that both dsis and I have opted for jobs which enable us to make a positive difference to other people, as we were both witness to our mum's disappointment in how her own life had progressed.

To be clear, I'm certainly not saying that paid work is the be all and end all. Nor am I saying that paid work is any guarantee of happiness. There are lots of other possible paths to fulfilment. For me, hobbies and interests wouldn't be enough, but certain types of voluntary work would give me a similar sense of purpose to what I get from my paid work. All I am saying is that I think it's important for people to have something outside of the family that gives them meaning and fulfilment. Whatever that might be.

It's also important to maintain a sense of self outside your paid work. I've seen several older relatives who have struggled to adjust when early retirement was thrust on them through redundancy or ill-health.

It might be just my social circle but I don’t know any women who are full-time SAHMs to neurotypical, non-disabled children over the age of about 8. All of them have some kind of paid work, whether that’s FT, PT, from home, working for the family business, or their own business (eg private tutoring).

I’m not saying they don’t exist but I think it isn’t that common nowadays and will get even less common over the next few years as the cost of living rises sharply.

But I wouldn’t waste your time feeling at all sorry for women who can afford to do it as a result of having husbands in high-paying recession-proof jobs - their lives must be bloody lovely!

It’s never too late to volunteer though. Never too late to start up a business or new venture, paid or not. There are all sorts of opportunities - as long as you have the energy. You could argue, having a job actually blocks most people from making the most of their talents, or from discovering new sides to themselves they didn’t even know they had. Having a job or not having a job bears no correlation to your state of mental health once your kids have left. If you’re in your 50s, many people are keen to be winding down in terms of work at that stage of life anyway (though I realise this is not a privilege available to everyone).