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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how mums who don't have a job outside the home feel when their children leave the nest?

170 replies

Runninghat · 11/03/2022 20:35

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2022 21:17

🤷‍♀️ I think if you’re happy to be a housewife when all your kids are at school you’d be happy to carry on when they leave home.

watcherintherye · 11/03/2022 21:18

I’m starting to worry about you, op, and how you’re going to fill all those empty days stretching ahead when you retire!

(Remember head tilts? All the rage when I joined MN Grin)

godmum56 · 11/03/2022 21:19

@Runninghat

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.
this is all a bit "how do you poor poor souls cope" with head tilt isn't it? especially "worrying about your friend" god forbid she should put her feet up and enjoy herself.
BrightonBunny · 11/03/2022 21:20

I don't understand this either.

Mine have left home and live 50 and 100 miles away.

I would happily give up work tomorrow. HTH

Snog · 11/03/2022 21:27

Time to devote to friendship, education, hobbies and travel. What's not to love?

MiniDaffodils · 11/03/2022 21:31

They would feel the same as those who work OP - some will miss them, some won’t, some a mixture of both.
Why would it make a difference if you worked or not?
Green-eyed monster OP?

RoseGoldEagle · 11/03/2022 21:35

Capitalism convinces too many people that working is the only thing of any value. Why would not working be ‘monotonous’? There’s a huge world of things to do out there, aside from paid work! Oh and I’m not a SAHM, I work part time (mine are tiny though at the moment so nowhere near leaving-home age), I enjoy my work but would love more free time to do the things I love doing more! I think your friend will be fine OP!

Bringsexyback · 11/03/2022 21:39

@Luredbyapomegranate

🤷‍♀️ I think if you’re happy to be a housewife when all your kids are at school you’d be happy to carry on when they leave home.
Whilst I do work full time and I’m nobodies wife never mind House’s wife and believe me I manage to fill my days at the weekend when my child is with the sperm donor so I don’t think they’ll be any empty silences when he’s at university.
AngelinaFibres · 11/03/2022 21:41

You miss them for the first week and then you realise how brilliant it is that they have embarked on the next exciting stage of their life and you and your husband can embark on yours. Retired people have very busy lives, we dont sit around all day wishing we could cook tea for lots of people and shop and clean and ferry them about.

SaggyBlinders · 11/03/2022 21:43

Can you not imagine how you would fill your time without a job OP? I daydream about it a lot!

I'd get a dog, train him to be a therapy dog and visit hospitals/nursing homes with him. Go for long walks, go openwater swimming every week, go to the gym, do yoga everyday, take up pilates, read, bake, cook from scratch every day, learn French, volunteer at the local national trust property, and do a part time law degree if I could afford it. I'd fucking love it.

50DaysAF · 11/03/2022 21:44

Oh good another SAHM bashing thread.

Yes, how incredibly awful for them it must be… pitying head tilt.

AngelinaFibres · 11/03/2022 21:44

@Darbs76

Im very grateful for my career now my kids are teens and one goes to Uni this year. Im able to throw myself into that now they don’t need me as much and I won’t be worried about them going. I know a few people who haven’t worked for year and wonder how they will get on
They'll get on just fine
piglet81 · 11/03/2022 21:45

I know what you mean OP. My aunt gave up a city career when she had children and now they’re in their 20s she still fusses around them, doing their laundry and inventing reasons they need her to call round and help out with things. I don’t think she’s hugely happy :-(

BikiniB0tt0m · 11/03/2022 21:46

Who cares worry about your own life

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 11/03/2022 21:48

I work pretty much full time and have loads of interesting projects to distract me. I still have days where I miss my kids like crazy.

And I have other days where I’m absolutely fine even though I’m in between work projects.

Maybe how you feel when your kids leave home is more nuanced than just assuming a career will fill the gap. Or that someone without a career will be bereft.

Who’d have thought?!

proseghost · 11/03/2022 21:52

I think it's really unimaginative to believe your whole identity is either based around your work or your children. I know lovely interesting fulfilled sahms and incredibly boring employed people.

Rubyupbeat · 11/03/2022 21:53

I've not had any problem filling my time without children at home. We do have lots more in life, you know.
Read, sew (I have a huge sewing room now the birds have flown) walk the dogs, swim, cycle, LUNCH 😁, classes, volunteer, stay with friends, go away with friends.... the list is endless!

PinkSyCo · 11/03/2022 21:57

Maybe your friend is worried that you missed out on spending time with your children. Maybe she is imaginative and will find lots of ways to entertain herself when her kids fly the nest. Maybe you should stop judging and patronising other women and allow them do them while you do you.

Hangthetowels · 11/03/2022 22:00

I'd absolutely love not to have to work! I imagine they have lots of plans for their free time (jealous!)

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/03/2022 22:00

I feel sorry for people who feel there's going to be some big gap in their life when the children leave. Don't you have hobbies or things you like to do that don't involve your young adult children

cuppycakey · 11/03/2022 22:02

@Runninghat do you really have no interests or anything you enjoy in your life that isn't your children or your work?

That's quite unusual...

WallaceinAnderland · 11/03/2022 22:02

I didn't feel a gap when mine left. Couldn't wait for them to go actually. Lovely kids but they needed to start their own lives. Shopping bill went down massively too.

crimesagainstwine · 11/03/2022 22:03

OP - you need to address the gap you feel not put this on other folks shoulders.

Tell us about that gap you feel?

A distraction is just that - dictionary definition: "a thing that prevents someone from concentrating on something else."

So what is the issue @Runninghat and what are you distracting yourself from?

katienana · 11/03/2022 22:12

I'm a SAHM and my boys are still in primary school. When they leave home I'm hoping to be able to travel with dh (he travels a lot for work). I'll still have housework to do, but a bit less, so I'll have a bit more free time. I can imagine that the teenage years involve a lot of driving so I'll probably be quite glad of a break from that.
Work can be really boring and unfulfilling for many people. I'm very lucky that I don't have to work right now and I really enjoy my life how it is.

Itslit · 11/03/2022 22:16

If she gets through the teenage years at home with no job, she’ll survive when they leave home.