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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how mums who don't have a job outside the home feel when their children leave the nest?

170 replies

Runninghat · 11/03/2022 20:35

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

OP posts:
Greyhare · 11/03/2022 22:26

Maybe your kids will be like my brother and not leave home until he was in his 30's as he was and still is Mummy's little soldier/precious first born, so you won't have to fill your time with such important meetings to distract yourself.

whitemint · 11/03/2022 22:27

My eldest DS is an adult now, and he's autistic so unlikely to ever leave home. He's semi-independent in that I can leave him in the house alone, but couldn't manage living on his own. So he'll always be there to 'distract me'.

My other DCs are younger and when they're old enough to go to uni, DH plans to take early retirement so we'll keep each other busy. It will be nice to be able to spend time doing things like visit galleries and doing art classes, and having lunches out. We will be downsizing by then too so will need time to refurbish a new property and manage our investments.

Acesup · 11/03/2022 22:29

This is my dream scenario (unfortunately I have kids you are a long way off leaving home & a full time job). I would love to learn new skills in things that interest me, volunteer for causes that are important to me, write, maybe do a PhD, travel if I could afford it (maybe challenge myself to 'earn' enough money from stuff like surveys and competitions to get to a certain place). I could do so much if it wasn't for bloody work.

user1471554720 · 11/03/2022 22:36

A lot of women start having dcs in their 30s. When dcs are 20, the women will be in their 50s. Not so long ago, women retired at 60. I think they would do the same as someone in their 60s and retired eg a bit of voluntary work, go on a daytrip every so often, gardening, meeting friends etc.

I sm 50 and work. I would have no problem filling my time if I did not work.

BoredZelda · 11/03/2022 22:38

Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

What do you have to worry about? It’s her life.

Treeroo · 11/03/2022 22:39

I wouldn’t worry about her. Many mothers, yes even sahm, are more than just a mother just like other women and have plenty of ways to give their lives purpose and not all mothers feel a void when their children move on after all that is what many are hoping their children will do, live independent lives.

Mylittlepotofjoy · 11/03/2022 22:40

All my 5 left to attend uni for over the course of few years . Hurray . Then they got their degrees and came home again with pets and partners Shock gradually some left for their own homes . 2 remain one with a partner and baby . So I’ve never had a chance to suffer from an empty nest . At times I felt I would have to turn into a cookoo and start throwing them out of my nest !!! grin] but seriously I love them living at home or visiting and having babies . Never a dull moment

Gilly12345 · 11/03/2022 22:40

I work part time with grown up children (twins age 22) who still live at home.

I would love to not work and could happily fill my time with my hobbies and some volunteer work.

Having a job is only for the salary/pension.

I can wait to quit work.

Circumferences · 11/03/2022 22:43

It's really non of your business what other people do with their lives and most people have a shit job for shit money, so get off your high horse.

Copenhagenoffice · 11/03/2022 22:51

Imagine thinking that a job is the only fulfilling thing you could do with your time Hmm

Sunnytwobridges · 11/03/2022 22:58

I would LOVE to be home with no kids and not working. It would've been bliss to have been able to not work when my DD went off to uni. I have never been sad to see my DD move from one phase of her life to the next (except to realize that I was getting old!). I see it as her being lucky to be alive and well enough to move on with her life where the alternative would've been worse, so I never had that empty nest feeling.

Bagelsandbrie · 11/03/2022 23:21

Not everyone enjoys or values paid work. There are plenty of other things in life to keep ourselves busy with if you wish to.

HeadNorth · 11/03/2022 23:23

My MIL never worked and had a massive breakdown when her children left home. Her mental health all these years later remains shaky.

RonCarlos · 11/03/2022 23:43

Surely it depends on the individual whether work would help, rather than whether they were a SAHM. I have always worked, at least part-time, even when I could have chosen to but I have the kind of personality where if I didn't work or have kids around, I'd have many plans, none of which would successfully happen and I'd spend a lot of time in my pyjamas. DH is self-starter who gave up work years ago and potters around happily (and dressed) here and there doing many varied things.

ApplesinmyPocket · 11/03/2022 23:43

To answer the question, I was delighted when my children 'flew the nest' (of course they are home often with partner etc) because they had found happiness that didn't depend on me,

And in the last decade I have :

learned Irish dancing
learned to knit
travelled
long walks
done a lot of baking
read lots of books
grown plants, vegetables, fruit
become an avid bird-watcher
learned the ukulele
taught myself the piano
played in a folk group
learned Portuguese enough to hold a reasonable conversation

I could go on but it annoys some of MN when anyone explains that there is actually a whole big world outside "work" and after children and that it can be endlessly fulfilling.

Lou98 · 11/03/2022 23:50

Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home

This is so patronising/condescending. She doesn't need you worrying about what she'll do once her child leaves home. She has made her decision on whether to stay at home/work. Once her child leaves home she'll decide what she wants to do.

My maternity is coming to an end and I had planned on going back to work but I'm pregnant with baby 2 so there's not much point for the sake of two lots of nursery fees so I'm going to be a SAHM for the foreseeable - I don't need my friends 'worrying' about what they think I'll want to be doing when my kids are away from home 🙄

DancyNancy · 12/03/2022 00:01

I could find plenty of things to do cause I have tonnes of interests and things I'd love to do.
I do work and probably will have to work even more when kids older/moved out to fund pension and make up fir these part time years

MangyInseam · 12/03/2022 03:27

It really depends. Some feel excited to move on to another phase of life, go back to school, start a career, whatever.

Some are at a bit of a loss.

Some already have a full life and just carry on with that.

But none of this is exclusive to mums who stay home. It's not at all uncommon for people in middle age to change careers, or have a kind of mid life cisis. I have a relative who is now in her early 40s having to find a new job, and is rather at sea having realized that her last career has not panned out the way she had hoped. Not because she was not promoted etc but because she feels the work was in the end useless.

I know another woman who realized at 50 that while she did enjoy her work, it was not enough, and continues to struggle to find meaning in life.

I know a man with a high powered career who realized that his workplace no longer aligned with his values and he was missing his kid's whole lives.

MangyInseam · 12/03/2022 03:29

Anyway - I am in many ways looking forward to being able to spend more time on things where I am limited now. I will also likely start a new career though not likely a FT one, which is something totally different than what I did when I was younger. Though if money was not an object I probably wouldn't.

TheOnlyAletheia · 12/03/2022 06:36

I’ve always worked because I wanted to remain financially independent but would have no problem filling my time!

WTF475878237NC · 12/03/2022 06:43

Time to devote to friendship, education, hobbies and travel. What's not to love?

^ absolutely! OP do make sure you have other fulfilling parts of life and a wider identity than just your career by the time you retire. It's hobbies and relationships that are with us until the end, not jobs!

Deliaskis · 12/03/2022 07:01

It's a bit hilarious how people are being so 'how very dare you?' about this when it's such a well known and common issue that there is a whole 'syndrome' named for it. Similar to retirement... some struggle to adjust, others can't wait for it. I don't know why there is so much protest here about that when it's a pretty well known fact.

Some people clearly do struggle with it, some don't. I would imagine that those who do are more likely to be those who have derived their sense of purpose and value from being there for their kids and supporting them with hobbies and school etc. and have not really explored who they are and what they might like to do that isn't wrapped up in their role as parent. I suspect it's not just SAHPs who get this but it's not so unbelievable to suppose that more of them might have their sense of purpose wrapped up in their kids as they have more time to do so. But that isn't necessarily just mums who don't work. It can also be e.g. parents who get very wrapped up in supporting their kid's hobby for example.

So I do agree that it can be an issue, but I wouldn't be 'worried' about somebody unless there were other indicators that they were likely to be a bit rudderless once their role as parent ceased to be such an active one.

Owieeee · 12/03/2022 07:03

Maybe really , really happy. If she is married and it's all secure and they can afford it and both are happy why not. I was a sahm when all of mine were small, never put them in nurseries or minded by other people ( each to their own and my DH was happy to do this too if I was the higher earner and now he does more as I'm back working). I am now back working after a long break although my DC's are still youngish and in primary. I'm working in a job directly connected to my post grad and it's like I never left tbh, I had a long time out of this career and it made zero difference. I'm already considering going part time as having the time to go to gym, cook lovely meals , go out in nature, meet ppl for coffee etc is fab. My DH is thinking the same thing, we are both 37 and still want to enjoy life. Some ppl live to work I guess, it's like the holy grail and answer to all things on mn, anytime a woman is having a hard time with their baby on here the answer 90 percent of the time is to put them in a nursery and go back to work. I'm v v glad o didn't do this while getting 4 hours sleep a night regularly. Bills need to get paid of course but if we can afford to work less we definitely will. Life is short.

Ringingfromthetops · 12/03/2022 07:08

I don’t think people are being arsey about the fact empty nest syndrome exists, just bewildered by the fact that seemingly the only way to ‘heal’ it is to ‘throw yourself’ into your career.

I

drawingpad · 12/03/2022 07:08

It's a bit hilarious how people are being so 'how very dare you?' about this when it's such a well known and common issue that there is a whole 'syndrome' named for it.

There is no syndrome related to being a stay at home parent Hmm