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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all Sad

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 10/03/2022 11:37

If she does this every year, why do you keep getting upset about it?

awkwardintrovert10 · 10/03/2022 11:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 10/03/2022 12:02

Just put the gifts straight into the bin and don't bother unwrapping them.

Tell your dh to spend only £10 each time on her and don't go to any effort whatsoever and to keep you out of it.

MotherofAutism · 10/03/2022 12:05

@GirlMum93 Oh I see, ha! Speaking of your DH I'm pretty disgusted that he refuses to see your side of this. As others have picked up on, it's symptomatic of a bigger issue. In which your DH should be supporting you, not her. I'd sit him down..... Have that chat Gin

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 12:11

[quote MotherofAutism]@GirlMum93 Oh I see, ha! Speaking of your DH I'm pretty disgusted that he refuses to see your side of this. As others have picked up on, it's symptomatic of a bigger issue. In which your DH should be supporting you, not her. I'd sit him down..... Have that chat Gin[/quote]
I'm thinking of doing it tonight actually. But he is quite defensive and sometimes is not worth me even raising the issue with dearest mum. I do think he is aware of it as it's happened so many times before but he hasn't said anything (he isn't one for confrontation)

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 12:12

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

Just put the gifts straight into the bin and don't bother unwrapping them.

Tell your dh to spend only £10 each time on her and don't go to any effort whatsoever and to keep you out of it.

I will do going forward I've really had enough now.
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 12:14

@CraftyGin

If she does this every year, why do you keep getting upset about it?
I think it's the more I see 'nicer' gifts to others and it's just getting to me more I suppose. More so now we have had DD
OP posts:
Mary46 · 10/03/2022 12:14

Hate re gifting of crap. Op I find they get mean as they get older. My teen daughter got biscuits at xmas. It was utter scabby.

Juniper68 · 10/03/2022 12:18

The most shocking part is giving dd crap too.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 12:20

@Mary46

Hate re gifting of crap. Op I find they get mean as they get older. My teen daughter got biscuits at xmas. It was utter scabby.
We've found that also. MIL will only get worse. DH won't say anything.
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 12:31

Gathered the box out the bin, ready for Mother's Day Grin DH will be non the wiser 😆

OP posts:
MischievousBiscuits · 10/03/2022 12:47

Of course yanbu.
My DH got me my fitbit second hand, but it was in brand new condition, in the box. I was happy as it was more environmentally friendly and I'd wanted one for ages.
There is a world of difference between being savvy and giving you some ratty, clearly worn jumper. She sounds like a right piece of work.

Ikeptgoing · 10/03/2022 12:51

Aha @GirlMum93 you have come over to the dark side Grin Or as I like to think, the "let's have fun with this!" Side.

(If DH keeps ignoring your feelings, I'd be slightly downsizing his gifts too Grin)

Anyway- I hope you have found some suitable tatt online as future gifts for MIL. I found some lovely cheap crap for you that MIL will never know is seriously cheap crap.

So the £50 -100 you take out of cash point to buy MIL birthday/Xmas/Mother's Day presents can sit in your purse each time to buy you and Dd decent (self!) presents to evenup the spoiling she does of others.

Even better if you mix in odd bargain cheap item found on eBay BNWT or never worn. Grin

AmyDudley · 10/03/2022 12:58

I hate this kind of thing - i call it weaponising gifts. It is using gift giving to say 'I don't value you or respect you' instead of using gift giving as a way to show love. I have had a family member do it o me and I have now cut t hem out of my life because I won;t have stupid game playing like this directed at me.
I cannot understand these women that are jealous of their DIL's and think they have somehow 'stolen' their son. I adore my DIL, I think she is the best thing that ever happened to my DS. I spend the same amount on each of them for birthday's and Christmas, I love looking for things I think she will like and treating her. And I always let her know how much I love her and how proud I am of her achievements. Why do some people see everyone as a rival instead of an opportunity to have more love in their lives ? (If you were my DIL OP, I would spoil you rotten and love doing it x)

Mary46 · 10/03/2022 13:00

I know op not nice. The biscuits prob did the rounds of the houses lol. Was more hurt for my daughter though

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:01

@Mary46

I know op not nice. The biscuits prob did the rounds of the houses lol. Was more hurt for my daughter though
Yeah it's a bit embarrassing I suppose. What was her reaction?
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:05

@MischievousBiscuits

Of course yanbu. My DH got me my fitbit second hand, but it was in brand new condition, in the box. I was happy as it was more environmentally friendly and I'd wanted one for ages. There is a world of difference between being savvy and giving you some ratty, clearly worn jumper. She sounds like a right piece of work.
Totally agree with this. My DH gifted me with a dyson hairdryer and hair wrap second hand for half the price. Perfect condition and it was so thoughtful of him as I didn't go in about how much I wanted it but it felt so different.
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:08

@AmyDudley

I hate this kind of thing - i call it weaponising gifts. It is using gift giving to say 'I don't value you or respect you' instead of using gift giving as a way to show love. I have had a family member do it o me and I have now cut t hem out of my life because I won;t have stupid game playing like this directed at me. I cannot understand these women that are jealous of their DIL's and think they have somehow 'stolen' their son. I adore my DIL, I think she is the best thing that ever happened to my DS. I spend the same amount on each of them for birthday's and Christmas, I love looking for things I think she will like and treating her. And I always let her know how much I love her and how proud I am of her achievements. Why do some people see everyone as a rival instead of an opportunity to have more love in their lives ? (If you were my DIL OP, I would spoil you rotten and love doing it x)
Wow what an amazing term I have never heard that before, weaponising gifts!!

Your DIL is seriously very lucky. It doesn't take much does it.

I always say to myself if one day I have a DIL I will spoil her rotten also and make sure she feels valued and loved because of what I have been through even in the past with her. Not every MIL is like mine.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/03/2022 13:09

"It’s an insult and it says that you’re not worth spending any time or money on."

I think @Ionlydomassiveones has made the key point - a second hand, cheap or charity shop gift isn't always an insult - but it does have to be thoughtful. A close friend of mine once bought me a cut glass bowl, from a charity shop, as my Christmas present. She was short of funds at the time, so she put time and effort into finding things people would really like - and I loved the bowl.

If I were @GirlMum93, I'd make a game out of it - what used and pointless present will MIL be getting me this year - points if you get close to it, extra points if you're spot on. Make it something to laugh at, and you take away her power to hurt you with these thoughtless presents.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:13

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

"It’s an insult and it says that you’re not worth spending any time or money on."

I think @Ionlydomassiveones has made the key point - a second hand, cheap or charity shop gift isn't always an insult - but it does have to be thoughtful. A close friend of mine once bought me a cut glass bowl, from a charity shop, as my Christmas present. She was short of funds at the time, so she put time and effort into finding things people would really like - and I loved the bowl.

If I were @GirlMum93, I'd make a game out of it - what used and pointless present will MIL be getting me this year - points if you get close to it, extra points if you're spot on. Make it something to laugh at, and you take away her power to hurt you with these thoughtless presents.

Thank you means a lot to have the support on here rather than being made to feel I am being ungrateful when talking about how it upset me.

The handbag she got me is not something I would at all use, I don't know how DH doesn't see it...

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 10/03/2022 13:28

Make a game of it, and randomly regift all the shite she’s gifted you for special occasions.

Keep doing it.

When I first got together with now DH he went and got my birthday present in the Xmas sales. My birthday is very near Xmas but after it.

However for his step-sister he got her something thoughtful and refused to look in the Xmas aisles as she’d know and be upset.

I told him I didn’t want him to give me gifts after that. However on his birthday I got him something he’d really been wanting and he was delighted and shocked saying I didn’t think you wanted to do gifts. I told him I didn’t want him wasting money on thoughtless tat the morning of my birthday. As he clearly didn’t want to buy me gifts so I was giving him an out. I enjoy buying gifts for those I love and would do so. Then I asked if he liked his gift.

He’s since been incredibly thoughtful in his gift giving to me.

Your MIL on the other hand I wouldn’t bother with her. Just do the regifting to her so your household budget doesn’t go on her at all. You may even want to buy that primark basket and load on a few random bits of shit she’s given you over the years so it looks like your giving her an enormous gift 😆

And I would tell your family to dial back the gifts to your H. He can have a go at his mother for cheap gifts for him but it’s wonderful when it’s shit for you. I’d jump to your MIL’s defence in future when she gives him shit. Gush on about how lovely and thoughtful she was and he’s an arse for objecting to the tat. Use his words when he defends the shit she gives you.

Justilou1 · 10/03/2022 13:31

@GirlMum93 - once they’re favouriting kids, it’s war… do they still have Post-A-Poo, etc services in uk?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 10/03/2022 13:34

I am not against regifting, but only if it is nice and in perfect condition. I would never give something ripped. Stop buying stuff for her and let you husband do it.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:39

[quote Justilou1]@GirlMum93 - once they’re favouriting kids, it’s war… do they still have Post-A-Poo, etc services in uk?[/quote]
Are you offering? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:42

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

I am not against regifting, but only if it is nice and in perfect condition. I would never give something ripped. Stop buying stuff for her and let you husband do it.
If I let DH organise her presents she would get nothing not even a card. He doesn't remember birthdays unless it's me sorting it all's
OP posts: