Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:42

*all

OP posts:
Arabellla · 10/03/2022 13:47

I let DH organise her presents she would get nothing not even a card. He doesn't remember birthdays unless it's me sorting it all's

OP you said upthread you are stepping back from it all. Have you changed your mind?

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:52

@Arabellla

I let DH organise her presents she would get nothing not even a card. He doesn't remember birthdays unless it's me sorting it all's

OP you said upthread you are stepping back from it all. Have you changed your mind?

Sorry I meant IF I let him organise her gifts she would get nothing.

I want to step back but I'm worried she won't get anything if I don't remind DH, I know what he's like 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
KosherDill · 10/03/2022 13:54

Let her experience that.

Holidaypls2022 · 10/03/2022 13:55

And why are you worried about her not getting anything?! She's been horrible to you, and your DH hasn't exactly had your back. Let him fail and her take the consequences. Not your problem.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:55

@KosherDill

Let her experience that.
Do you think? Is that not awful?

I honestly think I'm too nice ... but surely the 'not spending money' on me is the same as me not buying anything for her? Don't know if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 13:58

@Holidaypls2022

And why are you worried about her not getting anything?! She's been horrible to you, and your DH hasn't exactly had your back. Let him fail and her take the consequences. Not your problem.
Either I re-gift the next perfume or just don't bother with reminding DH about Mother's Day?? What shall I do.
OP posts:
Wexone · 10/03/2022 13:59

@GirlMum93 she is being awful to you so be awful back, but it won't be your fault, it will be your husband's . If she says anything, just say to her husband said he was doing it so i didn't get involved. I am a person who treats people the same way they treat me

BoredZelda · 10/03/2022 14:00

I wasn't expecting this post to blow up like it has- thank you! Sorry I haven't had the chance to read all the comments but I will do

Really? You must be new here. MN loves a “MIL buys shit gifts” thread. There’s one every other week. Full of advice of what to do.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 14:01

[quote Wexone]@GirlMum93 she is being awful to you so be awful back, but it won't be your fault, it will be your husband's . If she says anything, just say to her husband said he was doing it so i didn't get involved. I am a person who treats people the same way they treat me[/quote]
Good for you.

The thing is as it's Mother's Day that's really down to DH to sort it so we will see what happens.

OP posts:
Holidaypls2022 · 10/03/2022 14:02

Tbh as tempting as the mother's day regift is, I would start as you mean to go on, personally. So no reminders, from now. But that's what I wld do.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 14:03

@BoredZelda

I wasn't expecting this post to blow up like it has- thank you! Sorry I haven't had the chance to read all the comments but I will do

Really? You must be new here. MN loves a “MIL buys shit gifts” thread. There’s one every other week. Full of advice of what to do.

Not come across a lot thank you. Yes relatively new.
OP posts:
MumW · 10/03/2022 14:21

Sorry I meant IF I let him organise her gifts she would get nothing.

I want to step back but I'm worried she won't get anything if I don't remind DH, I know what he's like 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Not your problem.
Sorry MIL we've agreed to sort out our own family's gifting.

MzHz · 10/03/2022 14:21

@GirlMum93

Gathered the box out the bin, ready for Mother's Day Grin DH will be non the wiser 😆
Bookmarking right here! 🤣😂
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/03/2022 14:53

@GirlMum93 - you need to fill her next birthday card with glitter! No matter how many times she vacuums, she’ll never be rid of it. Cackles evilly.

neonjumper · 10/03/2022 14:54

*Sorry I meant IF I let him organise her gifts she would get nothing.

I want to step back but I'm worried she won't get anything if I don't remind DH, I know what he's like* 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Let her get nothing . She's not your mother , let your DH ( who chooses not to see how badly she treats you ) see to his own mother .

I bet he's not running out to organise presents for your side of the family !

beachcitygirl · 10/03/2022 15:01

Regift each & everyone of the gifts to bil & sil & their kids & her. Every single time.

If it's the thought that counts - your sh will
Be fine with this.

If not then he can open his childish mummy's boy eyes & realise just how offensive this is.

Ps it's clearly not environmental if the others get new stuff. She's just a witch to you

Sending a hug.

Silentnight87 · 10/03/2022 16:15

I would return them to her and say they look like they've been used. Explain why I'm front of your husband and let her stew. Spiteful woman.

Silentnight87 · 10/03/2022 16:17

Pressed send too soon... I'm the guise that she should return them to the shop as she's obviously been sold something defunct... I did this with my mil...didn't stop her behaviour fully but embarrassed her and put her in a tight spot. That was enough.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 16:45

Thanks @Silentnight87 the only thing that was obvious about the next perfume was usually they come in a clear cellophane wrapping with cellotape at the top. It had none of that and was sort of scratched as if trying to open. The next perfume are very presentable usually. She is the type to put something back on the shelf if it even looked slightly ripped!!

That's just one thing but there have been many pasts.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 10/03/2022 16:54

I think that DH might see the point but be too embarassed to admit it. Possibly raise the issue again in a few days time when things are a bit calmer and explain that you realise it is embarassing for him and that you are not going to do or say anything but that you would just like him to acknowlege the issue to validate your feelings. That going forward you'd like to turn it into a bit of a joke - crap gift bingo etc etc - as that will take the sting out of it for you. If you can then get him onside for this you can then raise the issue of how it is OK to have a laugh when its you but that it needs stamping on if there is a repeat of this with your DD as it is hurtful that she is being treated as a second class grandchild. Perhaps it is a conversation he could have with FIL?

If it was me I'd then entertain myself with a bit of "evil" present buying - a multi pack of the ugliest granny pants you can find/ a box of Tena pads/the least pleasant smelling candle in the ugliest jar etc and always hand it over with a glitter bomb card lovingly drawn and filled by her GC

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 17:05

@londonmummy1966

I think that DH might see the point but be too embarassed to admit it. Possibly raise the issue again in a few days time when things are a bit calmer and explain that you realise it is embarassing for him and that you are not going to do or say anything but that you would just like him to acknowlege the issue to validate your feelings. That going forward you'd like to turn it into a bit of a joke - crap gift bingo etc etc - as that will take the sting out of it for you. If you can then get him onside for this you can then raise the issue of how it is OK to have a laugh when its you but that it needs stamping on if there is a repeat of this with your DD as it is hurtful that she is being treated as a second class grandchild. Perhaps it is a conversation he could have with FIL?

If it was me I'd then entertain myself with a bit of "evil" present buying - a multi pack of the ugliest granny pants you can find/ a box of Tena pads/the least pleasant smelling candle in the ugliest jar etc and always hand it over with a glitter bomb card lovingly drawn and filled by her GC

Thanks for your comment. I do believe he knows the issue but he doesn't sit me down or even try to make me feel better about it, just avoids it as it's his 'mother' and I should be grateful to even get anything? He hasn't said that to me but it's pretty obvious.
OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 10/03/2022 17:12

OP - if he doesn't say anything then perhaps you could raise it in a few days time. Just be really clear to him that it is in no way his fault but that you'd like a bit of validation of how hurt you feel.

Lilac57 · 10/03/2022 17:23

Let your DH forget his DM's birthday and deal with the consequences. If she doesn't even get a card, it's not your problem. If your IL's never get cards and presents ever again when you stop sorting it, it's not your problem. It was never your job in the first place. What did your DH do about remembering birthdays/buying gifts before he met you? If he was rubbish before, his family will be used to it, and if he managed before, he can manage again.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 17:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.