To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

@RachelGreeneGreep I don't even know if DH is aware it's second hand or what she's doing. All HE sees is the effort SHE is making when I am unwrapping something and he can say 'this is from mum and dad'

@Wulfenite

Second hand and shit are not synonymous though. Giving tat is mean and better for the environment to just give nothing if you can't be bothered to make it either thoughtful and personal, or nice. A couple of times me and Dh have had to give everyone a charity shop book and a bookmark for Christmas but the books were carefully picked for each person and the bookmarks were drawn (decently!) by DH and personalised. Not the greatest present perhaps but something like that wouldn't upset me, but bits of random rubbish like the OP is expected by her DH to think are thoughtful (!) would.

Your gifts sound lovely! I would be more than happy with that. MIL knows I love reading.

What does get to me is MIL doesn't work during the day as far as I know (she works mornings until 11am, couple of hours) and she spends the rest of the day with her sister (DH's auntie) walking around shops and having coffees every day. It's not like she doesn't pass a sainsburys where they do the really nice £2.99 candles or habitat mugs. I don't know how I should feel really. Clearly not a penny was spent..?

I agree with others who suggest you rise above it and, but really I'd have far too much fun (see my earlier post) finding cheap gifts for MIL from both DH & me that would cost next to nothing (but are actually new and she wouldn't know cost for sure!! )

So thinking these kind of things 😬 ....
(Just buy a few ready for next couple years and give one at a time as if they reeeaaally cost a lot of money! )

Faux Pearl Beaded necklace 75p

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Rhinestone geo drop earrings £1

https://m.shein.co.uk/Rhinestone-Geo-Drop-Earrings-p-2527134-cat-1757.html?scici=sidecatWomen~~Jewelryandwatches~~11133~~reall1760~~,NaviAllTab~~0

Rhinestone Heart Charm Necklace 75p
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=3346579

6 gold coloured Simple Chain Braceleta £2
(Then give her one per gift!)
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=1466539

Jewellery bags organza x100 for £6
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0913HC6KS/ref=cmswwrothhapiglttiGF9Q5D7M1YCS5QWPDYZY??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Or Jewellery bags x10 black velvet £3
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09NX93WHF/ref=cmswwrothhapiglttiJ9Q42G7ZR5TZAV6N2N5H??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

It's funny how those "bespoke pieces of jewellery" came from "a local artisan at craft stall" you visited (tell a story 😄)

SHEIN Batwing Sleeve Tropical Print Top £4.50
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=9132252

SHEIN often do big discounts codes you put in at checkout to get it much cheaper 30-50% off and free shipping on orders over £35- so buy a few things at same time for the DDs!!

@1forAll74

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.

Thanks for your comment but I am really struggling to feel greatful. Especially when DH and other members of the family get the massively thoughtful gifts which have clearly been bought

Second hand isn't the issue here
I'm sure she could find rubbish gifts that are new like I have read of many times on MN

Missing the point of the thread but how come your husband "dropped them off?" does he not live with you?

@flyingdream

You're family sound nice to do that to your DH. It's not you it's her so please don't worry.

If husband isn't supportive. I'd help out your mother and family when choosing gifts for him. I'm sure your dad has something that would be economical and good for the environment that they could sellotape and give to him? Then see his reaction and when he's surprised say only joking! We're not that stingy here are your real presents!

Next time you and your mother in law are alone have a real dig and tell them what your parents gave you because they're not stingy and say they give her son the same.

I will do thank you

@flyingdream

Please do regift her that perfume for Mother's Day. Your DH can't say anything to you can he then?

DH will take the gift round to her and he wouldn't even realise probably which would be even funnier. I just need to double check I've kept the box!!

@Ilady

I regift all the crap she gave to you back to her and make sure that she has to open it in front of other people. Make sure you tell her other relations how mean she is and let someone carry it back to her. One time I was given a gift after I pulled a family member X on their lack of a gift. I then heard it was a re gift from y. I eventually got a chance to say to y what X had given to me. I wanted to let Y know just how mean X actually is. At this stage I don't bother to buy X anything because I had enough of their meaness.

That's terrible!!

@Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase

She’s sending you a message by doing this OP - she doesn’t like you. My mil used to do the same to me.

She doesn't like me as I am with her Angel son and have a daughter with him who he ADORES above her. She has never been able to cut apron strings. She cried when he moved out with me years ago.

@User73ui843

Oh and from now on. You do zero of the gift purchasing for him. And tell your family not to bother getting him anything.

I've told my own Mum not to bother but she loves my DH and my DH loves her and my sister- we have a much better relationship just in general with my family. I don't know why it's just always been that way. I think this may show.

I told mum to only get him a £20 voucher and bottle of rum that he likes. Except she got Him the rum (£25 a bottle- I think it's dead man's fingers) £50 voucher for anywhere he wants to go and some hotel chocolates.

@Flittingaboutagain

I often re-gift unopened things that would otherwise end up wasted but with thought put into it for the recipient, not a random distribution of unwanted open freebies!

But I bet your second have gifts are at least thoughtful and in good condition? Or you would have a basic understanding of something the recipient would enjoy?

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Sometimes I’d rather not get anything.

It is better. I can say that with confidence as I've never had a single present from my in-laws (literally, not one and that includes no wedding gift) and that's better than being expected to enthuse about being gifted damaged and obviously opened or otherwise discarded items.

Totally get that. Do in laws buy for kids if you have them?

@Wiredforsound

Regift it back to her. She doesn’t care so why should you?

I'm going to re gift the perfume I think for Valentine's Day.

I'd announce in front of everyone when opening "oooh looks lovely, although it looks like it's been opened/ used - do you want to take it back and ask for a fresh one?"

Or

Regift get them. I'd struggle to keep a straight face and would really enjoy watching her open them, if DH objects ask him why... is it not ok to give used things as gifts ? Does this not apply to you then?

@Justilou1

Actually forgot to mention this story. (Probably blanked it out because my MIL still causes so much rage.) Just want to say that this was the FINAL nail in the coffin for me with her behaviour, so it wasn’t a one-off. She loved to play favourites and play people off against each other. She called my almost 13 year old, very studious, conscientious DD a slut because she spent her pocket money on an eyeshadow palette, then sent her a kid’s ceramic money box shaped like Cinderella’s carriage for her 13th bday, wrapped in Dora the Explorer paper. (I let her wheel it off our verandah onto the tiles below.) Two weeks later she sent our twins their 11th bday presents. GT received a giant box with tatty jewellery, makeup (irony), hair bits, etc and $50 in a very gushy card. BT received a small ziploc bag with filthy, used, fake Lego and $5 in a card that said “Don’t be naughty.” (He wasn’t a naughty kid, btw - he just avoided her.) GT immediately burst into tears and said “Why do I have to be her favourite? I hate her!!!” I then told DH that from then on, all correspondence with his mother would be with his supervision (and she would be called on her toxicity). At Christmas, he asked what I had sent her. Received a blank stare. “The same thing she sent me.” He was furious because I hadn’t gone out and bought the cow a present and posted it on his behalf. She then told him that she had sent me money in a card with some earrings. Ummmm…. Nope. Why would she start that year?

DH continues to buy into her bullshit that she has reached out (I have never received a call from her, or a text, or a letter.)
My BIL is going to set him straight.

Jesus Christ!!!

Ok so I think this is going to go a similar way with our DC's. My DH's brother and SIL got all the new shiny toys for their children- MIL's sore room was PACKED, you literally couldn't see the floor.

Our timid shy DD comes along, doesn't expect anything from anyone. All we were given when she was born was the second hand used items from BIL's kids.

Also same as me. MIL doesn't text or call me ever. Whilst I was pregnant never asked how I was feeling once (I suffered with morning sickness quite badly).

She goes through DH who is too accommodating to her so she gets away with it. I've tried telling him a few times but he doesn't stop it. When she wants to come over last minute DH responds to her texts.

Sorry * spare room

@catfunk

I'd announce in front of everyone when opening "oooh looks lovely, although it looks like it's been opened/ used - do you want to take it back and ask for a fresh one?"

Or

Regift get them. I'd struggle to keep a straight face and would really enjoy watching her open them, if DH objects ask him why... is it not ok to give used things as gifts ? Does this not apply to you then?

For my birthday last week I opened the gifts in front of DH and my mum as we were there for dinner. I said to DH oh that's lovely but where is the tag? My very polite mum cut in- there it is (pointing at the name of the bag that had been sewn on....) I said no I mean the shop tag. No one sees it

@MotherofAutism

Missing the point of the thread but how come your husband "dropped them off?" does he not live with you?

We live together- he met me at my mum's house on my birthday as he came straight from our home

@Ikeptgoing

I agree with others who suggest you rise above it and, but really I'd have far too much fun (see my earlier post) finding cheap gifts for MIL from both DH & me that would cost next to nothing (but are actually new and she wouldn't know cost for sure!! )

So thinking these kind of things 😬 ....
(Just buy a few ready for next couple years and give one at a time as if they reeeaaally cost a lot of money! )

Faux Pearl Beaded necklace 75p

https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=1404392

Rhinestone geo drop earrings £1

https://m.shein.co.uk/Rhinestone-Geo-Drop-Earrings-p-2527134-cat-1757.html?scici=sidecatWomen~~Jewelryandwatches~~11133~~reall1760~~,NaviAllTab~~0

Rhinestone Heart Charm Necklace 75p
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=3346579

6 gold coloured Simple Chain Braceleta £2
(Then give her one per gift!)
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=1466539

Jewellery bags organza x100 for £6
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0913HC6KS/ref=cmswwrothhapiglttiGF9Q5D7M1YCS5QWPDYZY??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Or Jewellery bags x10 black velvet £3
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09NX93WHF/ref=cmswwrothhapiglttiJ9Q42G7ZR5TZAV6N2N5H??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

It's funny how those "bespoke pieces of jewellery" came from "a local artisan at craft stall" you visited (tell a story 😄)

SHEIN Batwing Sleeve Tropical Print Top £4.50
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=9132252

SHEIN often do big discounts codes you put in at checkout to get it much cheaper 30-50% off and free shipping on orders over £35- so buy a few things at same time for the DDs!!

Thank you so much ! Chuckled at this

@caringcarer

Fwiw I get gifts from mil that are new and have been bought for me, but just tacky. Knickers too small, cheap nail sets, a calender, jumper too small. DH gets cheap pants, cheap aftershave, stuff for cleaning car which he does use. She is consistent though and buys DH and dgc tacky too. After Xmas I lump most of it together and drop off at charity shop. I wish she would stop buying for us. I give her M&S gift vouchers.

The vouchers work wonders especially for me and DH.

I have to say though for DH birthday in Jan she did gift him some costco jeans (like cardbroad) that didn't fit him in the slightest. DH did have her out on it and she why didn't you just buy Levi which is my favourite or next jeans? She won't buy them brands as they are too expensive. She didn't know what to say. The jeans ended up going back and DH lost out on a bday present, she didn't replace the gift. That's the first time I've seen it for him.

Actually @GirlMum93, it would be even better if you haven't kept the box. Put it into a nice gift bag with tissue paper and a card, or better yet, get something like this from Primark:
www.primark.com/en/all-products/homeware/home-furnishings/home-storage/grey-mini-paper-rope-basket/p/134027786
and put some scrunched up paper underneath the bottle, get two cheap handsoaps (bars not liquid) no more than £1 or so, and pop the bottle of perfume beside them in the basket! Job done!!! Looks great and you've spent next to nothing on it for her!!!

@MrsLegend

Apologies if I've missed it, but does she give your DH secondhand gifts too?

Not that I have noticed no!

a random ornament of a Rastafarian smoking a spliff

Funniest one so far

@LookItsMeAgain

Actually *@GirlMum93*, it would be even better if you haven't kept the box. Put it into a nice gift bag with tissue paper and a card, or better yet, get something like this from Primark: www.primark.com/en/all-products/homeware/home-furnishings/home-storage/grey-mini-paper-rope-basket/p/134027786 and put some scrunched up paper underneath the bottle, get two cheap handsoaps (bars not liquid) no more than £1 or so, and pop the bottle of perfume beside them in the basket! Job done!!! Looks great and you've spent next to nothing on it for her!!!

Thank you but I think even THAT is too thoughtful for her