To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

Stop buying your DH family presents. Time to step back. They will see where the real thought and effort comes from when he forgets or gets rubbish. Same thing happened to my outlaws. I stopped assisting and he bought his mother a tin opener - oh did I laugh

My MIL is like this with me and one of my DC. We are very LC as they are spiteful in a lot of different ways. It doesn’t bother me she is like it with me as such, but when my DC looks visibly hurt because there is a massive discrepancy between what each child receives from her i feel the hurt I can see my child is feeling.
I started buying them cheap crap back then dropped it down to just cards. I used to be a people pleaser but at my age I can’t be bothered wasting my time or energy on them. My DH felt that way about them a long time before me so I don’t have the complication that DH feels differently. In your position I would leave gift buying for them to your DH.

I think you have two options - Rise above it and not let it get to you and let your husband look after the present side of things or go with what @Ikeptgoing says. I am a big believer that people should make an effort with presents , that should buy or do something that the receiver will appreciate, love but never think to do it themselves. Its my birthday soon and opposite to you it will be my mother who will buy a shite present for me, it will be a gift voucher for like 20 or 30e for a shop or Centre i don't go to, she will add some tat to the bag to make it look "better" that will go straight to the charity shop bag when i receive it . Its her birthday soon along with Mothers day so i have bought her two cheap xmas sets on sale in Boots after xmas. My onw mother n law on the other hand will give me 100e gift voucher for a back massage or to get my hair done, some sort of treat for me that i will enjoy. I don't want people to spend money i just want them to make the effort and it hurts when your own family or in laws don't do that. I have learned to rise above it and not let it get to me

I was so embarrassed but has to hide how gutted I was to DH. He is defensive and I don't know why it's always me who misses out when I make the most effort with people, DH just sits back and relaxes doesn't have to lift a finger with gifts, especially with his family

And this is the issue, I think. Your h isn't making you feel supported, heard or validated. He's taking his (lazy, spiteful, tight) mother's side, not yours. He doesn't have your back.

I can see why he is embarrassed about his mother's behaviour - it's awful! And why being defensive is his first reaction, but he's an adult so he should be thinking about this.

He should bring this up with his mum: 'Mum, you gave GirlMum a used perfume, a second-hand bag, and an opened mirror with a ripped box for her birthday. Why did you think this was appropriate? She always puts so much effort into your gifts - last year we gave you xxx. She is really upset about this, and so am I. l'm embarrassed that you would treat her like this. I'd like you to apologise to her.'

And he should be reassuribng you that he has your back. I think you;d feel betetr then.

But you can put a plan in place: you do birthdays on your side, and h does all the birthdays on his side of the family. Set a budget for each. You have NOTHING to do with his family. if he doesn't get them anything, so be it.

You could also think of some good replies for MIL if she does the same again and gives you second-hand gifts.

@MrsLargeEmbodied - just dont worry about it op. perhaps work on your relationship?

Why would OP want to work on her relationship?? Why is down to OP to put in more effort for a MIL who clearly can't be arsed to make an effort for her? How unfair on OP.

Maybe I'm horrible but... I personally find being given re-gifted items really insulting. I don't expect to receive gifts so I'd honestly prefer nothing at all. When regifting, really they are giving me the gift of their household waste management!

If it was me, I'd just leave all of the present buying to my DH. Why should you waste the time and energy on searching for gifts and spending the amount you have?

I do generally stand by it's the thought that counts, and I'll admit to regifting on some occasions. However, I don't regift items that aren't brand new, and I'm very careful where they go! Having said that, it doesn't sound like there is any thought going into it.

Try not to let it bother you and just remove it from your list of tasks by having DH sort. If this means that she goes without presents because he forgot then that's on him!

How hurtful OP.

In what universe is asking for fairness a trigger to shriek that the OP is greedy and mercenary? Some MNetters are abusive, you can’t help but hope they don’t have DC.

The key thing here is that she has also done this to your child and again your waster husband has let it go.

At times I can be a bit fxxk it, can't be arsed getting upset at the behaviour or others BUT if someone does something that would be unkind to MY child, all bets are off.

That your husband could stand by while his daughter is given a dirty used gift by his mother and not say a word, is shocking.

What a shit father and husband.

I feel very sorry for you OP.

Get a friend not DH to open them perhaps and deal with accordingly. As others say do as she does to you and use the saved money to buy yourself something you would like, or don’t get involved and get DH to buy her gifts. Keep the stuff she sends you but regift back in two years time when she’ll not quite remember if she’d given it to you in the first place.

It's cheeky of her. I agree with leaving your DH to sort out any presents or cards for her in future.

I'd do the same back or ask DH to inform her that you should all no longer give each other gifts!

My MIL is a bit like this to us but I don’t think there’s any malicious intent with MIL, she just loves charity shop bargains. Over the years I’ve had shoes in the wrong size that I’d never wear anyway, ghastly jewellery, clothes about 6 sizes too big and her absolute favourite gift to give me is gothic /vampire literature. She know I’m an English teacher and that I love reading but she’s never taken the time to find out what I actually enjoy reading. She thinks I’m a goth because I have a few tattoos, like red lipstick and tend to wear black clothes. I’m not a goth, I was as a teenager but now I’m just a boring Mum and I definitely don’t like vampire books! DH and DC get horrible second hand gifts too so it isn’t just me, DC have honestly been given things like dirty keyrings before now which have only had a place in the bin. We all just laugh at her gifts when she’s gone tbh and send them back to a charity shop or bin them. I’d rather she didn’t waste her money and got us nothing but none of us have the heart to tell her.

She’s wealthy too so it’s just a case of not wanting to spend money on new stuff I think, no idea. Had a wealthy Aunt like that growing up, she always bought the worst gifts ever. It actually became a joke that we’d open her gifts on Christmas Eve so we could have a laugh. One year got a Minnie Mouse nightgown with the reduced tag attached (£2), I was a 14 year old goth!

I think the best course of action is honestly just to laugh rather than get offended. It will make your life much easier in the long run.

Apologies if I've missed it, but does she give your DH secondhand gifts too?

Just drop the present buying and give cards instead. Problem solved. No point in presents anyway for adults.

They give crap gifts, they get crap gifts.

YANBU, you have every right to feel upset. But it’s probably not going to get better and you’re not going to feel better about it which means you have to be the better person and not let it get to you.

The only time regifting is acceptable is when the packaging is in good quality and is an item the individual would like not ripped, damaged or open. She sounds like she's being passive aggressive.

I would leave the present buying to your DP.

I never ever received a gift or a card for my birthday...didnt think much of it until my MIL asked my DP to try a jumper on,if it fits you it will fit sisters boyfriend for his birthday,then mentioned another time taking sons girlfriend out for her birthday lunch .

We were the only ones married with kids but I suppose maybe MIL didnt like me.
I told DP I wouldnt be doing gifts and cards anymore and I wouldnt be giving him reminders of her birthday either.

So DP forgot.SIL turns up and says to me ...you forgot MIL birthday...I said no I didnt...well she didnt receive her card...I said thats because I didnt send one.
Dont know if SIL mentioned it to DP,I didnt ask,wasnt interested.

We've stopped the present buying between adults in the family because of my mother doing something similar. I do those Facebook birthday fundraiser things instead for me and other half, she can donate if she wants to (did one year, said she didn't know anything about the chosen charities the other years and suggested we chose one she liked, we suggested she set up a fundraiser for that one herself, she didn't). Otherwise it's cards only.

Honestly think this is a generational thing - the toot my DM and MiL regift makes me shudder - to people that they are fond of - they just see no problem with it and both have cupboards devoted to their dark art of gifting to offend .. personally. I would prefer this any day to the bag my sister gave me of clothes because they were " massive " for her now !! Ffs .. just give me the bag no need for the narrative

I think I would just bin it and buy myself something nice. Don't contribute to her gift though. If DH wants to treat her he can do so alone.

I wasn't expecting this post to blow up like it has- thank you! Sorry I haven't had the chance to read all the comments but I will do

Fwiw I get gifts from mil that are new and have been bought for me, but just tacky. Knickers too small, cheap nail sets, a calender, jumper too small. DH gets cheap pants, cheap aftershave, stuff for cleaning car which he does use. She is consistent though and buys DH and dgc tacky too. After Xmas I lump most of it together and drop off at charity shop. I wish she would stop buying for us. I give her M&S gift vouchers.

@RandomBasic

Leave your DH to sort her presents going forwards. Don't spend any more energy on looking for gifts for her.

I won't be. She doesn't appreciate anything I do get her. I don't mean that to sound awful. Anything I buy I am sure is just regifted too others.