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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 17:30

@Lilac57

Let your DH forget his DM's birthday and deal with the consequences. If she doesn't even get a card, it's not your problem. If your IL's never get cards and presents ever again when you stop sorting it, it's not your problem. It was never your job in the first place. What did your DH do about remembering birthdays/buying gifts before he met you? If he was rubbish before, his family will be used to it, and if he managed before, he can manage again.
Thanks and totally agree. None of my efforts are recognised anyway.

DH's mother use to write cards and give presents to family members FROM HIM and send them herself. DH never use to have to worry. This was before he met me and first few years we were together. So embarrassing.

OP posts:
Zillamop · 10/03/2022 17:35

Just waiting for the DM article now. 'A woman took to Mumsnet...'

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 18:04

@Zillamop

Just waiting for the DM article now. 'A woman took to Mumsnet...'
Good maybe she'll read it 😂
OP posts:
2bazookas · 10/03/2022 18:06

Save them, wrap them beautifully and give them back when it's her birthday.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 18:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/03/2022 18:39

In answer to your question @GirlMum93 "Either I re-gift the next perfume or just don't bother with reminding DH about Mother's Day? What shall I do."
As it appears that you have been the one to organise the presents for his side of the family this far, do it one last time. Gift back the perfume. In the box that you rescued from the recycling bin and then you step back from organising gifts for all of his family members.

That said, if you do decide to continue, I'd do what someone else suggested. Pass along the gifts that you're given to similar aged family members on his side of the family. By that I mean if you get make-up in colours that you wouldn't use, wrap them up and pass them as a gift to SiL. If you get toys for your children, wrap them and pass them along to the nieces/nephews on your DH's side of the family.

Some one said why would you bother doing this? We'll as I see it, you're already doing it and going to more bother because you've been selecting and buying new gifts so this is actually less bother.

They will start to see what is happening and one of the following will happen:

  • They'll start buying you better quality of gifts because that is what they want passed on to them
  • they'll stop buying you gifts (which simplifies the overall process)

If they do the latter, then you have your answer loud and clear. I'd wonder if your DH's sibling(s) would even spot what is happening.

Also, why doesn't your DH have a grown up conversation with his parents about them passing their crap on to you and his children? If he's afraid of whatever fall out might happen, why isn't he afraid of the anger that you feel towards his family? He needs to sort this out.

NameChangeCity123 · 10/03/2022 18:41

Had the same issue. I now take the same budget as always but buy MiL same level of cheap tat she buys us and put the rest of the money towards extra things for my own mum who is extremely generous and kind to us all, including DH. I just make sure I wrap it nicely to pass off under the guise of sincerely hoping she would like it when in reality, I couldn't care less. Petty? Yes. Bothered? No. Life is too short to be wasting time looking for gifts she would love when she doesn't extend the same courtesy to us

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 18:55

I can't even bring myself to say thank you. Should I have sent a thank you message?

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 10/03/2022 18:58

There's nothing wrong with regifting if it is in good condition and you genuinely think the recipient will like it. Palming off old tat on someone isn't nice at all.

Go back to MIL buying her own presents and spend the effort on something nice for yourself!

nettie434 · 10/03/2022 19:01

@GirlMum93

I can't even bring myself to say thank you. Should I have sent a thank you message?
No! It's one of those occasions where we need a confirmation of receipt response.

I don't understand all the posters telling you not to mind. That response would make sense if your MIL bought awful presents for everyone but not when there is a clear hierarchy.

HikingforScenery · 10/03/2022 19:04

I’d look at it like your DH spends £60 on her and she spends £100 on him in return.

My mil gave me nothing for Xmas or my birthday. We get on quite well. I don’t think twice about it. She owes me nothing.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 19:21

I agree @nettie434 problem is she always gets a 'thanks' so really it's just saying what she is doing is ok.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 10/03/2022 19:40

You do sound ungrateful. You're assuming it's a relection of her feelings towards you, but maybe that's just the way she is, some people don't like.spemding unnecessarily, some people like to recycle gifts. Honestly get over yourself

MissMaple82 · 10/03/2022 19:42

Ever heard the saying " I don't give to recieve". You shouldn't expect anything back, thats not how it works

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 19:44

@MissMaple82

You do sound ungrateful. You're assuming it's a relection of her feelings towards you, but maybe that's just the way she is, some people don't like.spemding unnecessarily, some people like to recycle gifts. Honestly get over yourself
Hmm

I don't expect gifts at all! I don't ask for them! She gifts them to me willingly.

OP posts:
Calandor · 10/03/2022 19:54

@1forAll74

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.
Her MIL is giving her crap that she would've likely chucked otherwise.
RampantIvy · 10/03/2022 19:55

@MissMaple82

You do sound ungrateful. You're assuming it's a relection of her feelings towards you, but maybe that's just the way she is, some people don't like.spemding unnecessarily, some people like to recycle gifts. Honestly get over yourself
Have you bothered to actually read all of the OP's posts? Hmm

The MIL is happy to put thought into presents for everyone else. Are you the MIL?

MotherofAutism · 10/03/2022 21:04

[quote Justilou1]@GirlMum93 - once they’re favouriting kids, it’s war… do they still have Post-A-Poo, etc services in uk?[/quote]
smellmythongs.com/pages/pranks

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 21:07

@MotherofAutism omg!!! I can't believe that's actually a think I've never heard of that ConfusedShockShock

OP posts:
MotherofAutism · 10/03/2022 21:08

[quote GirlMum93]@MotherofAutism omg!!! I can't believe that's actually a think I've never heard of that ConfusedShockShock [/quote]
🙃😎

MotherofAutism · 10/03/2022 21:10

This is the UK version knickersniffer.co.uk 🤣

Wrenna · 10/03/2022 21:15

And this is why dh is now responsible for all his parents gift buying and cards! After I bought them a lovely vase and was told by MIL it looked like something to put their (cremated) ashes in it’s now all on him! The funny thing is that now more than likely they do not get gifts or cards because dh can’t be arsed to remember!

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 21:16

@MotherofAutism

This is the UK version knickersniffer.co.uk 🤣
That is lethal! Imagine sending it to someone's work....
OP posts:
Wrongkindofovercoat · 10/03/2022 21:30

I spend quite a bit of my free time trawling charity shops, if you PM me a list of your MIL dislikes I am sure I can rustle up some 'lovely' gifts for her. My packaging skills are a bit lacking though, so they might not reach you in tip top condition, but it's the thought that counts isn't it Wink

Ikeptgoing · 11/03/2022 06:03

@MissMaple82

Ever heard the saying " I don't give to recieve". You shouldn't expect anything back, thats not how it works
I think you've missed the point of this thread. To be given used hand cream and worn clothes, as a gift, when MIL (who has plenty of funds) chooses to buy qualitatively different and expensive lovely thoughtful gifts for other favoured family members including DH her son, is singling out OP and their child (!!) DGC as "other".

Especially when OP purchases lovely new thoughtful gifts for MIL on behalf of DH. It's very understandable to feel as if she and her child are being treated as "less than" . Who wouldn't be grossed out by a used or out of date product given as a birthday gift when the person had no financial reason to but couldn't be bothered. OP isn't talking about someone who can't afford presents , she's talking about the marked difference in how she and their child are treated compared to rest of family. .