To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

You say you would need 20k to be on 50k. That means you’re on around 30k. I don’t understand why you only have £350 left a month if you earn 30k and have low / no housing costs.

If you really are on 30k, you could easily move somewhere greener and further away from the city. You’re wfh. You don’t have to be close to your workplace.

Living with your partner isn’t working for you.

You don't need to dose yourself up on prescription drugs to live in a flat or take public transport. Millions of people across the world do, and even bring their DC up in flats. It's only in Britain that people obsess about having houses with gardens.

What I don't understand is that on a recent thread you talked about avoiding buying M&S foods on my way home from work which would suggest that you can go into the office occasionally.

Why can't you do that more often?

@Grapeflavour

Can I just confirm: we can't move. We are stuck in the flat until the defects are fixed which is likely to take years, we have no idea when. During which time the mortgage, shared ownership rent, loan, fees etc and bills all still need paying. We don't have the money for a second home.

Also I go for a morning walk every day... along a hellish, congested, miserable artery road to a small green covered in dog shit. I generally come back feeling worse! I try to cycle everywhere, and usually get out on my bike most days, although again it's hardly a pleasant experience around here - mostly trying to not get flattened by lorries or taken out by mopeds.

There have been loads of new measures put into place to allow SO to sublet flats for exactly the reasons you've mentioned - cladding related issues. It takes work asking around different lenders and finding loopholes but it is possible. There is also the option to sell, at a loss, but at least you have the option to rent until you can get back on your feet. You're sinking money into a dead asset anyway. In a few years you'll probably still be in negative equity and have wasted time on top.

What would you have done if you were single? If you cannot afford the lifestyle you want, the only option is to find a new job that pays more or to re-train/up skill in some capacity or greatly lower your living costs by moving somewhere a lot cheaper. You also have the issue of being tied to a man who is by your own account uninterested in changing things or adding any excitement.

If you are so financially dependent on him, before marriage, that you can't move out to live on your own or pay for co-working spaces or find a new job, you've got bigger problems to sort through. And I think the flat is your way of deflecting from the reality that the only way to improve things is to make radical changes you aren't prepared to do.

Your DP has a shit flat in a shit place - not you. You are completely free to live wherever you like (and 30k is perfectly adequate to rent somewhere with a room mate), and live the life you choose.

You really do not have to live with him. Relationships happen in different homes all the time. If one partner lives in a hovel in Shitsville, you don't move in with them and complain. You live exactly how you want to live.

He has a Shared-Ownership/Cladding issue. You don't.

You can live however you wish. Why chain yourself to his problems? Go off and live in a nice busy town with fun roommates and a nice life. It's not the 50s. You don't have to grow old and bitter staring out of a cell window.

"What would you have done if you were single? If you cannot afford the lifestyle you want, the only option is to find a new job that pays more or to re-train/up skill in some capacity or greatly lower your living costs by moving somewhere a lot cheaper." - this, well said @phizog

Take the bloke out of the equation. You've fallen into the trap of thinking your life is his life. You, solely you, need to look at your - only your - circumstances and make the changes.

You just sound so defeatist about people's suggestions. You are choosing to stay in this situation and you will only get more depressed as time goes on. On a salary of £30k you could get a nice room in a shared flat, and if your relationship is destined to continue you'll make it work. The main problem is that your boyfriend seems happy with the status quo and you are not, which suggests some major compatibility issues. Maybe if you move out you'll be able to gauge whether or not to continue the relationship.

You do sound very hopeless about your situation

Please don't write off your future. I would consider starting a family but living apart from your partner.

Short term why don't you decorate and maybe configure the living room so you can both work in there. Make the bedroom a sanctuary away from your working area. There are lots of clever furniture solutions for a desk etc. Having a project night lift your spirits?

It's legally not possible to sell the flat to anyone, even for cheap. The resident who did sell achieved it through a loophole in their specific lease, it's super complicated. Also the lack of general awareness of how fucked flatowners have been by the cladding scandal is pnemonenal.

What everyone here seems to be saying is leave your perfectly good relationship because he isnt able to provide a good enough home, and move hundreds of miles away, to somewhere I don't know anyone, to rent an equally rubbish flat in a rubbish area because that's all can afford. How is that going to make me happier?

I really sympathise as I know how it feels to live in less than wonderful accommodation. I would always be plotting how to change things though.

Maybe you would feel more in control if you wrote out a plan, for short, medium and long term.

Eg. Short term - join X activity / class ( e.g yoga, choir, something where you meet new people and spend time in a different place). Book holidays / time away (are there friends and family you can stay with for a break?) Try a different new cafe every week to find somewhere to work.

Medium term - looking for work which is office based or at least flexible. Saving money for when it's time to move

Long term - which areas to move to once the situation changes,

These are just examples but I always feel better with a plan! You can keep referring back to what you wrote and update as needed.

@whimsicalwillow

Short term why don't you decorate and maybe configure the living room so you can both work in there. Make the bedroom a sanctuary away from your working area. There are lots of clever furniture solutions for a desk etc. Having a project night lift your spirits?

Would love to do this but there's honestly no space, and I'm often on sensitive calls with clients who would not be impressed of they knew someone was privy to our conversations.

Having a project is a good idea and I'm trying to write and illustrate a book, and also putting together a photo book, but finding it tough to find the headspace to be creative.

Also I go for a morning walk every day... along a hellish, congested, miserable artery road to a small green covered in dog shit. I generally come back feeling worse! I try to cycle everywhere, and usually get out on my bike most days, although again it's hardly a pleasant experience around here - mostly trying to not get flattened by lorries or taken out by mopeds.

It sounds like you go about life determined to find the worst in every situation you encounter. I've lived in congested cities, boring towns and average villages. I can't think of a single time I haven't been able to take something positive from it.

It seems to me that the only solution is for your partner to change his work-setup. It seems unfair that you are banished to the bedroom for most of the day while he hogs the living room.

Are noice-canceling headphones an option? Why does your partner need so much space?

I also want to add that earplugs might help with the sleeping situation. Not getting enough sleep also doesn't help your mental health.

What everyone here seems to be saying is leave your perfectly good relationship because he isnt able to provide a good enough home, and move hundreds of miles away, to somewhere I don't know anyone, to rent an equally rubbish flat in a rubbish area because that's all can afford. How is that going to make me happier?

If you weren't with your boyfriend, or weren't ready to move in with him, where would you be living?

Would love to do this but there's honestly no space, and I'm often on sensitive calls with clients who would not be impressed of they knew someone was privy to our conversations.

Then you need to speak to your employer and tell them that WFH is not feasible from a confidentiality perspective and ask how they can support you in finding suitable office space.

No-one's telling you to move hundreds of miles to a 'rubbish flat in a rubbish area'.

Something isn't adding up. While you don't earn megabucks, you have a decent salary that should give you choices and not have you in a position where all you can afford is sharing a one bed where both of you WFH and you don't want to do this.

At the very least, have you asked your employer about going back to the office?

I'm civil service where office based staff are mostly still at home, but there's a fair few who are back in the office because they don't have room to work at home.

Is there no way you can rearrange the bedroom for his work set up? Or he can change the set up entirely?

Being in the living room might only make a small difference but hopefully it'll help.

Do you get out and about on the weekends?

@Grapeflavour

It's legally not possible to sell the flat to anyone, even for cheap. The resident who did sell achieved it through a loophole in their specific lease, it's super complicated. Also the lack of general awareness of how fucked flatowners have been by the cladding scandal is pnemonenal.

What everyone here seems to be saying is leave your perfectly good relationship because he isnt able to provide a good enough home, and move hundreds of miles away, to somewhere I don't know anyone, to rent an equally rubbish flat in a rubbish area because that's all can afford. How is that going to make me happier?

Well, home ownership is super complicated so obviously if you want to figure out loop holes to get money back/sublet/sell/stop paying into a dead asset - you need to do the leg work. I too lived in a property affected by cladding and managed to sell it after talking to every single lender, solicitor etc I could to find loopholes. The difference is, it was my flat and so I knew that if I wanted to get out, there was no one to blame and I needed to suck it up and fight it. I took a loss but it was calculated and frankly the better option as I've now managed to move somewhere that will actually appreciate.

Also - why aren't YOU providing the better house/lifestyle/living and why is all the expectation on your DP? What have you actually done to improve your way of life as a couple? You want to do the job you love, that apparently doesn't pay enough to afford a co-working space or hobbies or even a flat you could rent yourself - that's your choice. You can't decorate your space, adjust the working dynamics, do any hobbies, change jobs - I mean, you'd think you lived in a war zone to hear how limited your life is.

Maybe dosing myself up on prescription drugs really is the only answer? What a world we live in!

As a Psychiatric Nurse I find that a rather judgemental attitude, you wouldn't query using medication for a physical illness so why do sone people have this attitude to mental illness? Taking anti depressants is not "dosing up."

What everyone here seems to be saying is leave your perfectly good relationship because he isnt able to provide a good enough home, and move hundreds of miles away, to somewhere I don't know anyone, to rent an equally rubbish flat in a rubbish area because that's all can afford. How is that going to make me happier?

It's not leaving your relationship - you could stay together as a couple but you could live elsewhere.

And it needn't be hundreds of miles away. A 20 minute train journey could put you in a completely different situation.

And no-one is suggesting you rent a rubbish flat in a rubbish area either.

You really do have a gift for making the least of everything OP. I think you do need to start having some therapy around those thought processes because whatever anyone says on here, you are putting the most negative possible spin on it.

I've not read the whole thread

Your attitude is all wrong to get things sorted

I think you need anti depressants to see that you can make practical changes

Move out and back into a house share
See your partner evenings and weekends

Not your problem the flat, you didn't decide to buy it.

I don't think you are happy with your partner you sound glum and blame him for the flat. Just break up. Why stay in a relationship where you're not super compatible? You haven't got kids there's no ties.

If you like your job you've got to stop whinging about it. If you dont like it, then change.

How much are you paid a month? Just go live in a house share

Sending love but also a kick up the bum because you're moaning but not willing to do anything and there are so many good suggestions here to make small improvements to your quality of life

Also invest in some wax ear plugs from boots. I use half of one in each ear. Yes I feel a bit claustrophobic with them in but they do block out all the noise and that includes my massive annoying husbands snoring (I love him so much though so I forgive him) And also the kids which he gladly goes to, if I have plugs in.

Go on pull your socks up and be tougher then this. You are better then that

@Grapeflavour

I work in public sector. Most of my money goes on housing, bills and food. I pay into my work pension, which feels like quite a signficant contribution, also paying off two student loans for undergrad and postgrad degrees. I have about 350 left over each month, after essentials, which I mostly save in an attempt to get out of this situation one day. All my hobbies are free, I buy hardly anything. Rarely socialise out. We don't have Netflix, do takeaways or eat avocados.

I won't be spending 200pm on a co-working space.

Ps. I used to cycle to work unless it was pouring with rain or icy, so had very low-zero commuting costs.

Surely your mental health is worth £50 a week

Yes you may want to save £360 a month but seems you would be better off spending 200 and saving 150

Or finding a place less then 200 a month to work in

I said veggies, I do agree you shouldn’t have to pay fir it all

Talk to work. Can you ever work in their office

If you need a space that is quiet and calls can’t be heard fir privacy to clients then you need to make that clear to work that you need a quiet space and working at home isn’t suitable fir your job