To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

@2orangey

Could you find someone in a similar position to share the 200 pound co-working desk with? Each pay 100 and have half the time?

I was thinking this, as well

also, if your employer is unable to offer you time in the office, could they possibly contribute (half?) to the co-working space?

Ultimately I think being realistic about the flats worth now and how much more income that you could save over the next 5 years against what the flat will be worth in 5 years time minus 5 years of service charges, rent and ultimately the lump sum payable to put all the things wrong with the flat right that will be needed to be paid and being realistic what you will come out with after everything is paid. I don’t think there will be much difference. Plus your sanity, relationship, health are bonuses. Sometimes cutting your losses is the only way to move forward. This good advice. Especially as both your companies have gone fully remote - you could literally live anywhere! Certainly in a more affordable area and somewhere you have access to more than a convenience store and a couple of takeaways. The thing that keeps most people in extortionately-priced and inadequate housing is the need to live near their job. You have quite literally got carte blanche with both of yours. Added to which your partner prefers to stay in anyway so he could just stay in somewhere else - in more spacious surroundings.

gawd this sounds so miserable OP!

You seem really down :(

But only you can change your life - you need to start trying to dig yourself out!!

A new job seems sensible - why can't you just start looking and applying while you have your current job - you never know!! ideally one that involves going to an office every day!

How are things with your partner - do you actually see a future with him??

If not then leave - its not your flat - it's his so not really your problem

Go back to a flat share / move to a different cheaper area!

You only get one life so you really need to do all you can to try and make it better!

I know this is way easier said than done!

If you're WFH you can move anywhere, another part of the country maybe that has affordable property to rent. With two incomes and no kids it is entirely possible.

I would go pretty crazy if I spent all day, every day in my bedroom and I think most people would. I’d honestly be searching for a new job in an actual office so you can leave the house, this set up isn’t healthy.

I previously felt in a similar position, except we were renting, so didn't even have any equity. Then suddenly we both got promotions, realised we could afford to buy and bought a three bedroom house. It really did happen very quickly, and it sounds like it could for you too once the issues with the flat are sorted, which could be as soon as two years. Plus the WFH situation could change and many couple raise small babies in one bedroom flats. If everyone waited until they could fully 'afford' a child, they would never have one.

In the meantime, it sounds like you need an alternative option.

Your partner has the elaborate set up that takes over the living room and is happy working from the flat. It would make sense for both of you to contribute to a shared working space for you for your convenience and mental health.

Is there no working with your employer to consider an office-based option? At least a few days a week?

He wants to leave too but we can't afford anything much better maybe not where you live now, but have a look on Right Move and see what you could afford elsewhere.

If you're working from home then can't you move somewhere in the country a lot cheaper and just leave his flat empty? Could either of your parents help?

Could you and him look at getting better paid jobs?

@Grapeflavour

I work in public sector. Most of my money goes on housing, bills and food. I pay into my work pension, which feels like quite a signficant contribution, also paying off two student loans for undergrad and postgrad degrees. I have about 350 left over each month, after essentials, which I mostly save in an attempt to get out of this situation one day. All my hobbies are free, I buy hardly anything. Rarely socialise out. We don't have Netflix, do takeaways or eat avocados.

I won't be spending 200pm on a co-working space.

Ps. I used to cycle to work unless it was pouring with rain or icy, so had very low-zero commuting costs.

Sounds like you'd be better off moving back to a similar house share as that which you were in before - nearer to parks. friends and other amenities. I assume your partner was managing to cover his mortgage/bills etc by himself before you moved in? The situation you are in sounds pretty grim - your mental health is worth more than this. I agree with pp - you actually don't sound all that compatible and you are actively choosing to stay in a situation that is making you miserable and there is no need for that.

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

You sound very down. I wonder if it's worth talking to your GP to see if you might be developing depression, which to be honest would be a fairly natural response to being shut in one room all day.

People are giving you lots of good suggestions but you're just knocking most of them back. I don't blame you for having got into that mindset, but I would be exploring some ways of shifting out of that, even a little bit, to then enable you to do some of the things people are suggesting to help you shift more.

Since you used to commute by bike, can you still do a commute, even if it's back to the place you started from? Just leave the flat first thing, walk or cycle for 15 minutes and come back. Do the same at the end of the working day. Might sound bonkers but it gives you a timeframe rather than just sitting all day.

Since you used to commute by bike, can you still do a commute, even if it's back to the place you started from?

I actually did this during the proper lockdown. Went for 10 minute walk around the block then headed straight to my desk and logged in when I got home. It felt bonkers but helped a lot to have that break between work and home. I've started going for walks on weekends because of it. Turns out there's a scientific reason GPs suggest it for depression and they're not just being dismissive.

Can you not ask work to find you office space on mental health grounds? That WFH is making you unwell.

@FloBot7

Since you used to commute by bike, can you still do a commute, even if it's back to the place you started from?

I actually did this during the proper lockdown. Went for 10 minute walk around the block then headed straight to my desk and logged in when I got home. It felt bonkers but helped a lot to have that break between work and home. I've started going for walks on weekends because of it. Turns out there's a scientific reason GPs suggest it for depression and they're not just being dismissive.

Yes. I haven't figured out if OP is in London but walking around London parks costs nothing. Or going to galleries and museums. There is no reason to sit in your bedroom the whole week.

Can I just confirm: we can't move. We are stuck in the flat until the defects are fixed which is likely to take years, we have no idea when. During which time the mortgage, shared ownership rent, loan, fees etc and bills all still need paying. We don't have the money for a second home.

Also I go for a morning walk every day... along a hellish, congested, miserable artery road to a small green covered in dog shit. I generally come back feeling worse! I try to cycle everywhere, and usually get out on my bike most days, although again it's hardly a pleasant experience around here - mostly trying to not get flattened by lorries or taken out by mopeds.

OP have you posted about this before?

I seem to remember a similar thread a few months ago.

If the area you're in isn't nice, can you get a bus/tube to somewhere nicer for a walk? The weather should be getting better, with more daylight, if you made a point of going out for a few hours every day in the early evening, or adjusted your working day to go in the morning or at lunchtime, then you might start to feel better.

Op you sound very depressed with your life.

What do you want from this thread? Lots of posters have given practical advice which doesn't seem to be helping.

@Grapeflavour

Can I just confirm: we can't move. We are stuck in the flat until the defects are fixed which is likely to take years, we have no idea when. During which time the mortgage, shared ownership rent, loan, fees etc and bills all still need paying. We don't have the money for a second home.

Also I go for a morning walk every day... along a hellish, congested, miserable artery road to a small green covered in dog shit. I generally come back feeling worse! I try to cycle everywhere, and usually get out on my bike most days, although again it's hardly a pleasant experience around here - mostly trying to not get flattened by lorries or taken out by mopeds.

As others have explained, you can't move because your DP won't sell at a loss. Read this to understand the thought process: thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy#:~:text=What%20is%20the%20Sunk%20Cost,current%20costs%20outweigh%20the%20benefits. If your DP accepts the loss now, then you both have a chance to start again with nothing, instead of clinging to a money-pit "asset" that's making you unhappy. It comes down to placing a value on the next few years of happiness.

This sounds very difficult but I don’t understand why you don’t seem to go out anymore. Surely it’s very normal to live somewhere you have to hop on a bus / train / cycle for 15/20 to go out to places? In fact that’s probably less than a lot people would need to spend travelling!

@WisherWood

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

You sound very down. I wonder if it's worth talking to your GP to see if you might be developing depression, which to be honest would be a fairly natural response to being shut in one room all day.

People are giving you lots of good suggestions but you're just knocking most of them back. I don't blame you for having got into that mindset, but I would be exploring some ways of shifting out of that, even a little bit, to then enable you to do some of the things people are suggesting to help you shift more.

Since you used to commute by bike, can you still do a commute, even if it's back to the place you started from? Just leave the flat first thing, walk or cycle for 15 minutes and come back. Do the same at the end of the working day. Might sound bonkers but it gives you a timeframe rather than just sitting all day.

Thanks, I'm sorry if it comes across dismissive. I think a lot of people are suggesting impractical things which I've said aren't possible, like 'just move' or 'get a better paid job.' To get a job to rent on my own I'd need to be earning £50k+. A 20k+ pay rise isn't feasible.

I think I'm looking for advice on how to cope with a situation I cannot remove myself from. Maybe dosing myself up on prescription drugs really is the only answer? What a world we live in!

@Grapeflavour

Can I just confirm: we can't move. We are stuck in the flat until the defects are fixed which is likely to take years, we have no idea when. During which time the mortgage, shared ownership rent, loan, fees etc and bills all still need paying. We don't have the money for a second home.

Also I go for a morning walk every day... along a hellish, congested, miserable artery road to a small green covered in dog shit. I generally come back feeling worse! I try to cycle everywhere, and usually get out on my bike most days, although again it's hardly a pleasant experience around here - mostly trying to not get flattened by lorries or taken out by mopeds.

Why did you move there in the first place?

You can't carry on like this and you have to decide what you can afford to lose most, as against what you can afford to lose least.

Don't lose: mental health, good friendships and relationships, hope for the future, the ability to enjoy your free time and be refreshed by it

Do lose: the relationship if it has run its course (you need to mix things up practically to find out whether this is the case), money, convenience, familiarity

try moving into a house share, or renting a desk space, or getting rid of the flat at whatever cost, or getting a job in a cheaper city, or anything - anything. whatever you lose, you will learn something about what you need, and it will be worth it.

If you are now thinking things will never change, that is depression coming (or arrived) and you have to do something to fend that off.

If you have to cut boyfriend loose to do so, sorry, but just do it.

What city are you in? Is it London? Is your job transferrable to another city?

The problem with shared ownership places affected by the cladding issue though is that the Housing Association won't let you sell for below market value, and they estimate the market value as the value that the flat would be sold for without the cladding issues. However buyers are unable to get a mortgage for the market value so you have none to sell it to.

This rule was bought in to stop owners stair-casing when the value of the flats reduced. At the same time no matter what % of the flat you own and how much you are paying in rent you are responsible for 100% of upkeep and remediation costs. It's a really fucked up system which totally screws over people who bought in good faith.

I have a lot of empathy OP. We are also stuck in our flat due to the same issue, however fortunately it's not shared ownership so we at least have the option of selling/renting it out if we have to.

In the meantime our service charge has trebled including massive costs for waking watch last year and then installing an alarm system and a massive increase in insurance costs.

I would try and consider other options for getting out of the house though. The Barbican has a great space for coworkers. Even if you just cycled in one a week that would be good. Or you could try the British library, or a museum membership with access to a reading room and someone else suggested. If there is a Pret near you you could do their £25 a month subscription and sit there and work. Even just getting out once a week would really help I think.

@NoSquirrels

Is there no option to work from the office?

Still wondering this…

I think I'm looking for advice on how to cope with a situation I cannot remove myself from.

You CAN remove yourself from it. It will cause losses, yes, but what are you going to lose if you stay?

The person who pointed out how much it's actually going to cost you all in if you do stay was quite right. One of the flats sold to a investor for a crap price, bur those people are now out of there and free to move on.

There will be costs involved in moving but what are you going to lose if you stay? Mental health? A loving relationship? Your chance at motherhood?

I think I'm looking for advice on how to cope with a situation I cannot remove myself from.

This is, by and large, what people are giving you, though.

People are wondering: why is your joint combined incomes putting you in a worse position than when you were working separately? Why can’t you change your WFH status- by looking for a new job, talking to your current employer etc? Why can’t you afford to make a change in how you manage your remote jobs? Is your partner supportive etc.