Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 09/03/2022 17:35

YANBU for not wanting to take them if it’s bad timing and you’d have to take the other children with you.
YABU with your attitude towards them, I wouldn’t like someone to refer to my child that way.

Noglassjustthebottleandastraw · 09/03/2022 17:35

@Cleothecat75

I agree with *@BrieAndChilli*. You are part of a blended family. When you married your dh, you knew he was part of a package. If my dc ever end up with a step mother I really hope she is kind and happy to treat the dc as her own (as I did when an ex had a child, I looked after her on the odd occasion she was with us and he had to work, I included her in our special occasions, chauffeured her around if needed). I have 3dc, sometimes juggling after school clubs is a nightmare, sometimes I’ve had to pack the dc a packed tea to eat on the side of a football pitch. Sometimes they have had to have a late night And go out in their pjs because we had to collect someone from cubs/dance/whatever. It’s not ideal, but it’s part of being a family and we just got on with it. And maybe, if you take you dsc to the club a few times and get to Know the other parents a bit, there might be someone you can lift share with in the future. This has definitely happened at things we have been involved in.
This ☝️
Spitspatspot · 09/03/2022 17:36

If it were me, I’d try and facilitate it - I’d be quite pleased to be asked, and see it as a nice way to connect over something with my stepchild

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 17:37

I think what you could do is... say you'll do it, e.g. until summer when presumably this activity stops for a break.

Then say your DH or his ex will have to sort out taking them as you're doing them a favour.

Then you look like you're showing willing but not being a total pushover.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:37

@Spitspatspot

If it were me, I’d try and facilitate it - I’d be quite pleased to be asked, and see it as a nice way to connect over something with my stepchild
She is already cooking their dinner and looking after them so they connect over that
Gitfeatures · 09/03/2022 17:40

@CartoonFig

Could you not try and do some of those with your "husbands kids"?

How can I? I'm not their parent. I don't know their friends parents, I wasn't in contact with the club or anyone who goes, it was actually their mum who was looking into it with them and was in contact with the coach.

Is this a popular hobby? If it's something like football, it's funny how his mum chose a day when you'd be responsible for taking them. There's another 6 days of the week, it sees likely that there would be another opportunity to engage in the hobby.
Hercisback · 09/03/2022 17:41

Why don't you offer to drop off and see if anyone can pick up? Would your H have finished work? Or even mum.

gumball37 · 09/03/2022 17:41

@CartoonFig

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

The question I always ask is.... If all 3 we're your children and the one asked to join a hobby.... Would you take them under these circumstances? The answer is usually yes.... Or a pause because they don't want to admit the answer is yes.
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:42

@Gitfeatures what makes you think the DF only has them one day a week?

PuppyMonkey · 09/03/2022 17:44

Well, I’m not a step mum but if I were I’d clearly be one of the wicked ones because there’s no way I’d do this either.Grin All this “when you signed up to marry DH you signed up for looking after the stepchildren” outlook seems to be a recipe for taking advantage of people like the OP because they happen to be available for childcare due to having a small toddler to look after.

What would they do if OP wasn’t in the picture to provide vital one night a week childcare? It’s cheeky asking OP to take on such a pain in the arse task imho. Get the parents to sort it with friends like the rest of us usually end up doing.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 17:44

@EmpressCixi you might also want to accept that the OP’s child isn’t a carbon copy of your child who went to bed at 8.00pm from infancy….

If the OP says it is too hard for her with a 2yo in tow, who would I be to tell her that I know her child better and it’s totally feasible?

Washermother33 · 09/03/2022 17:44

OP - I’m a step mum - my SD is an adult now . When you have kids of different ages you juggle these things . Lady I know feeds her three year old pasta out of a thermos flask whilst the 11 year old does his sport . When my elder needed a tutor the younger and I did homework and toastie in Costa . Go for a walk or to a playground . You could take him and someone else collect maybe after work if the timings work . Think about it calmly before you say no

GlitteryGreen · 09/03/2022 17:44

Na OP, you're well within your rights here. Surely this activity must also take place on another day somewhere else???

It's not practical for you to have a 2yo out and about at that time regularly...total danger nap territory.

One of his parents needs to take him, or else find another place he can do it on another day.

Ourlady · 09/03/2022 17:45

So their Mother has organised it knowing the class will be on their Dad’s day and also knowing you look after the kids that day I presume?
I don’t think your unreasonable. The parents should be sorting out who will take him not expecting/asking you to do it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/03/2022 17:46

How on earth is it practical or fair on the other two children to spend an hour+ sat in a car, waiting for 1 child to do whatever hobby this is?

Particularly when one is 2, and it's over a normal meal time.

If they were asking you to just do the drop off, that might be practical, but staying there in the car is really not on - it might be different if it were a spectator sport type activity but it doesn't sound as if it is, and even then, that wouldn't be appropriate for a 2 year old on a regular basis.

Plinkyplonkyplonk · 09/03/2022 17:46

@CowsAreNotGreen

No- she married her husband and had a child knowing that he had children- they're a part of him and his family.
When I married my husband, there was nothing in the ceremony that said I had to help care for my bat shit crazy mil....but she's a part of his family and so a part of mine- so I do.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:46

It is horrible the way you refer to them as your “husband’s kids” and the “ kids” but then in the same post, your own isn’t a “kid” he or she is a child. Don’t you see that?

No I really don't see that. I've explained as well why I call them the kids. Everyone does!

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:47

@Ourlady

So their Mother has organised it knowing the class will be on their Dad’s day and also knowing you look after the kids that day I presume? I don’t think your unreasonable. The parents should be sorting out who will take him not expecting/asking you to do it.
I've missed where it was said the mother arranged it? I thought the OP said the child wants to do a hobby?
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:47

[quote Plinkyplonkyplonk]@CowsAreNotGreen

No- she married her husband and had a child knowing that he had children- they're a part of him and his family.
When I married my husband, there was nothing in the ceremony that said I had to help care for my bat shit crazy mil....but she's a part of his family and so a part of mine- so I do.[/quote]
You don't have to though. It's your choice and I don't think "bat shit crazy" is a good way to talk about a member of your family that you aparantly care about. Or anyone else for that matter.

GlitteryGreen · 09/03/2022 17:49

You are part of a blended family. When you married your dh, you knew he was part of a package. If my dc ever end up with a step mother I really hope she is kind and happy to treat the dc as her own (as I did when an ex had a child, I looked after her on the odd occasion she was with us and he had to work, I included her in our special occasions, chauffeured her around if needed).

These comments are so unfair.

OP IS treating them as her own already, she is already caring for them alone during this time.

If they were her own, she would have some kind of say in whether the child did this activity at all. She would likely decide that unless someone else could take them or watch the younger kids while she took them that it just wouldn't work due to how little the youngest is.

OP is already doing her bit by caring for her stepchildren when her DH isn't even there, she doesn't need to start taking them to new hobbies too. That needs to happen on a day when mum or dad is available.

oviraptor21 · 09/03/2022 17:49

I tend to think that I would do this on the basis that his family is my family, especially when so young. Especially if DH being at work is facilitating me being at home.

However, what I can't understand is how it was arranged that DH has a late work day on the day that he has the kids. Why can't that be rearranged so that he has his kids on a day when he can see them more?

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:49

This is actually on their father and mother to sort and arrange. Because it sounds like they've just assumed OP would do it without actually asking if it's okay.

Exactly. It's not like saying "would you do it for your child". With my DC I could work around things better, look for another similar club on a better date etc.. this is just a decision other people seem to have made with no consideration for the fact neither of their parents are available and I'm just expected to lump it despite it meaning a grouchy toddler for me all evening.

OP posts:
ComeUnderMySexBlanket · 09/03/2022 17:49

@saveforthat

In my neck of the woods *@newbiename* we treat step children the same as our own. Hence my question.
Agree with this. If you don't want to treat stepchildren as your own, don't marry a man who has young children.

(I wouldn't have touched a man with young children with a bargepole, btw, and wouldn't have wanted another man acting as stepfather to mine - and one reason for this that I know I couldn't care about another couple's children in the way I care about mine).

Plinkyplonkyplonk · 09/03/2022 17:50

@Washermother33

OP - I’m a step mum - my SD is an adult now . When you have kids of different ages you juggle these things . Lady I know feeds her three year old pasta out of a thermos flask whilst the 11 year old does his sport . When my elder needed a tutor the younger and I did homework and toastie in Costa . Go for a walk or to a playground . You could take him and someone else collect maybe after work if the timings work . Think about it calmly before you say no
Yep- it's how it is when you care for multiple children of different ages.
Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:50

Especially if DH being at work is facilitating me being at home

I'm not a SAHM. He doesn't work to facilitate me. I work too! Just from home.

OP posts: