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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:57

@Loopytiles

YABU on your choice of language.

YANBU not to facilitate the activity.

What's wrong with the language? Step children/husband's kids. Same difference surely?

I call them kids because that's what everyone calls them 'the kids', it's not meant to be detached.

If one of your children wanted to do a hobby on that day what would you do

I'd try and find a way for them to go but I'm not in a position to do that the same way with SC.

OP posts:
Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:58

What is "horrible" about calling them my husband's kids? Confused they are my husband's kids....

If that's what people class as "horrible".. wow okay.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 09/03/2022 16:59

i actually dont agree with the other posters!!

you had a child with this man so you were fully aware that he had 2 other young children, in my opinion by agreeing to have a family with him you agreed that those 2 children would also be part of your family.

if all 3 kids were yours would you refuse them to do any activities because it would mean taking the other 2 children along? I suspect not (and the rest of us parents with more than 1 child have had to do this all the time - its what you do for your family)

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids?

caringcarer · 09/03/2022 16:59

Could child do this hobby another day? Could Dad swap his long day at work? Could Mum collect if you dropped off? Have Dad and Mum even tried to get another parent to drop off/collect. You are being very obliging to look after DH 2 children as it is when he is not there. You should not have to drag your child and DH other child out at tea time. YANBU. Up to Mum and Dad to organise hobbies between them.

saveforthat · 09/03/2022 17:00

In my neck of the woods @newbiename we treat step children the same as our own. Hence my question.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:01

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids?

I'd work it out with my child's other parent / friends parents / parents of other club members etc...

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:02

@CartoonFig

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids?

I'd work it out with my child's other parent / friends parents / parents of other club members etc...

Could you not try and do some of those with your "husbands kids"?
saveforthat · 09/03/2022 17:03

Exactly BrieAndChilli

sqirrelfriends · 09/03/2022 17:03

They might be OP's step kids, but that doesn't mean she has to drop everything on a whim when it's not convenient.

They have two parents to do this stuff for them.

sadpapercourtesan · 09/03/2022 17:03

I think it depends on what sort of family you want to be. If you're all happy that they stay "the husband's kids", and you are a detached additional adult who doesn't have much to do with them/their care, then that's fine and there are families who rub along that way.

I think some frank discussions with your OH are in order, about what exactly your family unit consists of, what expectations there are, and exactly what "stepparent" means in your household. You're perfectly entitled to have boundaries around what you will and won't contribute, but ideally these would be understood and agreed by everyone involved.

TacoCats · 09/03/2022 17:04

YANBU. Your not the child's parent. They need to sort it between them.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:05

Could you not try and do some of those with your "husbands kids"?

How can I? I'm not their parent. I don't know their friends parents, I wasn't in contact with the club or anyone who goes, it was actually their mum who was looking into it with them and was in contact with the coach.

OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:05

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids? why would she do that? Dad will be looking after his kids so OP can take the shared DC.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:06

Could you not try and do some of those with your "husbands kids"? why can't dad do this? Why is OP being tasked with sorting this out?! The kids parents can organise it if they give a shit

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:06

It's funny to me that everyone's so horrified by me calling them my husbands kids when they literally are my husband's kids. Not sure what's so horrifying about fact.

I didn't say my husband's awful kids or anything Confused 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:07

@CowsAreNotGreen

Could you not try and do some of those with your "husbands kids"? why can't dad do this? Why is OP being tasked with sorting this out?! The kids parents can organise it if they give a shit
You'd think so wouldn't you...!
OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:07

@CartoonFig it's absolutely fine. I call mine my husbands kids/my stepchildren almost interchangeably. It doesn't affect my relationship with them. Some people just hate stepmums.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:09

If you started calling them your kids you'd get stick for that. Yet you must also "treat them as your own". It's classic can't win stepmum bingo

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:09

@CartoonFig

It's funny to me that everyone's so horrified by me calling them my husbands kids when they literally are my husband's kids. Not sure what's so horrifying about fact.

I didn't say my husband's awful kids or anything Confused 🤣

It comes accords unpleasant, that's what people are saying to you

Anyway can your DH change his long day? If he can't then YABU, if he can YANBU.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:09

So on here you're not allowed to call your husbands kids your husbands kids... Okay got it!

Oh and if I call them kids and then call my kid a child then that's also not okay. Must be consistent with all the kid/child thing... Okay.

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:10

@CartoonFig

So on here you're not allowed to call your husbands kids your husbands kids... Okay got it!

Oh and if I call them kids and then call my kid a child then that's also not okay. Must be consistent with all the kid/child thing... Okay.

Can your SH change his long day?
Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:10

It comes accords unpleasant, that's what people are saying to you

But why? That's what I'm saying to you. Why does calling my husband's kids, my husband's kids sound unpleasant?! They are his kids..?

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:10

*DH

Riverlee · 09/03/2022 17:10

Can the mum take the dc to the club, whilst you have the other dc’s?

MushMonster · 09/03/2022 17:11

Not that you are unreasonable, but I would do it.
I think it is a good family bond building.