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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:11

@CartoonFig

It comes accords unpleasant, that's what people are saying to you

But why? That's what I'm saying to you. Why does calling my husband's kids, my husband's kids sound unpleasant?! They are his kids..?

You're derailing your own thread!

Can your DH change his long day?

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:11

No I'm pretty sure he can't. They are all required to stay longer on one day. Unless he swapped with someone else but last time he asked a while ago no one wanted to which is how I ended up looking after them this evening a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:11

You're derailing your own thread!

You're just avoiding answering me but okay.

OP posts:
Plinkyplonkyplonk · 09/03/2022 17:11

I feel sorry for the child. I understand what your saying, but if I had step children, while they were in my care I'd treat them as my own. You knew your hub had children when you commited to him, or did you just commit to him and not the children Hmm

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:12

@Riverlee

Can the mum take the dc to the club, whilst you have the other dc’s?
I don't think he's asked her but I think she's working. I don't speak to her.
OP posts:
CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:13

@Plinkyplonkyplonk

I feel sorry for the child. I understand what your saying, but if I had step children, while they were in my care I'd treat them as my own. You knew your hub had children when you commited to him, or did you just commit to him and not the children Hmm
There is nothing in standard wedding vows that says you commit to taking your stepchildren to a hobby when their own parents can't.
FayCarew · 09/03/2022 17:13

I'm not horrified with OP calling them 'my husband's kids'

I think this should be sorted by the parents.

I don't know what the activity is or how long it lasts, but what would OP do with the other two children when the activity is taking place?

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:14

@CartoonFig

You're derailing your own thread!

You're just avoiding answering me but okay.

I've asked you a question that's relevant four times, before the discussion about calling them the husbands kids!

You've declined to answer.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2022 17:14

YANBU.

The parents should arrange it.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:14

I don't think he's asked her but I think she's working. I don't speak to her. sorry I know I keep commenting but people are really winding me up. This is my last one promise. He should really be asking her before you. As the children's other parent.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:14

I don't know what the activity is or how long it lasts, but what would OP do with the other two children when the activity is taking place?

Either stand in the rain or sit in the car for an hour with a 2 year old at tea time!

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:14

*once before

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 17:14

You've declined to answer.

I've answered it...

OP posts:
duckme · 09/03/2022 17:15

@BrieAndChilli

i actually dont agree with the other posters!!

you had a child with this man so you were fully aware that he had 2 other young children, in my opinion by agreeing to have a family with him you agreed that those 2 children would also be part of your family.

if all 3 kids were yours would you refuse them to do any activities because it would mean taking the other 2 children along? I suspect not (and the rest of us parents with more than 1 child have had to do this all the time - its what you do for your family)

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids?

I agree. The I am not part of a blended family but I would like to think that the children of all adults would be treated as though they're equals and 'belong' to both as much as possible. Obviously medical, educational decisions are maybe different but the OP sounds incredibly detached from her step children. Kids and their activities are a pain in the arse, my kids don't really do anything other than the normal football and swimming lessons, but that still involves military precision planning. I don't enjoy standing on a cold field with our youngest son, watching the eldest play football but that's what I have to do as the kids enjoy it. Most of these activities interfere with tea time but you could just take a small snack.
Tohaveandtohold · 09/03/2022 17:16

Yanbu to not commit to this because even for my own child, I weigh things like clubs up before committing to it.
However, if it was me, i would find a way to help, I would probably drop the child off and come back up with everyone else and maybe dad picks them up on his way home. That way, the only inconvenience for me will be driving them there.

saoirse31 · 09/03/2022 17:17

It's one night, seems like it's hardly that big a deal tbh.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 17:17

I think it’s up to DH/dc mum to organise another way to get dsc to the activity.
I think that looking at it with the child, basically creating an expectation for them to go when it’s nit one of her day is crap to start with. At the very least, she should have check that the FATHER could do it.

Saying that it’s not convenient for you to do that isn’t an issue. I’d have said the same things if it had been my kids. Esp with a 2yo in tow.

EmpressCixi · 09/03/2022 17:17

It’s only one night a week until 6:30, so what, 3 and a 1/2hrs? The child can’t help that the activity falls on “your day” and it is only 15 mins away.

So, as a stepmother, I would take them to the activity. I think YABU and petty to refuse. If you can’t make dinner that night because of this, then tell your partner when he finishes work he cooks the dinner for when you all get back from the activity. There has to be a middle ground that doesn’t involve the child missing out because you want to get in a “not my monkey, not my circus” pissing match.

If it were a much bigger ask, I’d agree with you. But an activity a mere 15mins away, one night a week and few hours of your time....not the hill I would die on to make the point that the child is a step child.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 17:17

@saoirse31

It's one night, seems like it's hardly that big a deal tbh.
It’s one night every week for the forceable future.
MayMorris · 09/03/2022 17:17

If you weren’t together, and husband was on his own he’d either have to say no or change his late work day. That’s it. Not your problem .

FairFuming · 09/03/2022 17:18

There's a lot of people who, for whatever reason, hate stepmums. Just ignore them.
I was a step mum and these things were often asked of me and I massively regretted it every single time I said yes.

It upset my own child's schedule and made life more difficult for me because neither of the kids parents wanted to actually put themselves out to do it.

Its not OK for them to expect you to put this child's wants ahead of your own child's need for routine and to not be hungry and wait and its not your responsibility to make things harder for yourself so your husbands child can do something they want because the kids parents don't want to do the leg work.

sqirrelfriends · 09/03/2022 17:18

This thread is proof that stepmoms can't win.

OP is already looking after them for her DH, why should she have to drag her 2 year old away at dinner time to facilitate something that her stepchild's parent should be sorting?

OP has already said she would sort something out if it were her own child, something she is not able to do as in this instance as both parents are working and she has no relationships with any of the other parents at the club or the mums friends/family.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:18

@CartoonFig

You've declined to answer.

I've answered it...

Sorry missed that, in that case I think YABU.

Give and take is needed for successful blended families.

IMO.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/03/2022 17:18

I think the step dc should be treated equally to your dc while they are in your family.

You aren't being unreasonable to say no, but it you know you'd say yes for biological dc then I think you are being awful.

These dc are part of your family, and siblings to your biological dc. It's pretty normal for a younger toddler sibling to go along while a sibling is being dropped off.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 17:19

@sqirrelfriends

This thread is proof that stepmoms can't win.

OP is already looking after them for her DH, why should she have to drag her 2 year old away at dinner time to facilitate something that her stepchild's parent should be sorting?

OP has already said she would sort something out if it were her own child, something she is not able to do as in this instance as both parents are working and she has no relationships with any of the other parents at the club or the mums friends/family.

If she took the DSC to the activity she could perhaps make arrangements with another parent?