Page 4 | To refuse to do this?

CartoonFig · 2022-03-09T16:35:49+00:00

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day). One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along. AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

TokyoSushi · 09/03/2022 17:19

OP I'm not sure that you're being very kind. I don't stay at any of my 9 year olds clubs, do you have to? Could you compromise and drop them off and DH/their DM picks them up or similar. It seems a shame for the child to miss out because nobody will take them.

Nosieparker · 09/03/2022 17:20

Totally agree with @duckme and @BrieAndChilli if all 3 were your own would you still say no?

FayCarew · 09/03/2022 17:20

@CartoonFig

I don't know what the activity is or how long it lasts, but what would OP do with the other two children when the activity is taking place?

Either stand in the rain or sit in the car for an hour with a 2 year old at tea time!

@CartoonFig, you just suck it up as being one of the perks of being a step-parent.

What would the 7-yr old be doing?

MatildaTheCat · 09/03/2022 17:21

Poor child. His parents have split and because of that he can’t play his sport even though it could be facilitated. Surely agreeing to become a step mother you do take on a certain amount of parenting? And children/kids DO want to do activities and that’s a good thing.

In the future you’ll be willing to do this for your own child. Of course it’s different and it’s difficult but you are able to do this but don’t want to. I don’t think that’s a great look. Sorry.

FirmButFairMum · 09/03/2022 17:22

It might be easy for me to say this as I don’t come from a blended family nor do I have one but surely if they’re his children and you have children with him too they’re brothers/sisters so therefore your family. What would you do if it was your child with him? Would you take them to the club with his children tagging along? I think you should take them.

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/03/2022 17:22

Oh here we go again;stepmum bashing;seems to mumsnetters favourite activity along with slaying SAHM's.

Just because someone has chosen to have a relationship with someone with kids does not make said children automatically their responsibility.

The OP has very kindly provided childcare for her DH on a contact day when the DH cannot look after them himself until later.

She'd be well within her right to say no.

If her step child wants to do an activity then it's up to the parents to sort that out not use the OP as taxi/chaperone.

Aprilx · 09/03/2022 17:22

@CartoonFig

It's funny to me that everyone's so horrified by me calling them my husbands kids when they literally are my husband's kids. Not sure what's so horrifying about fact.

I didn't say my husband's awful kids or anything 🤣

It is horrible the way you refer to them as your “husband’s kids” and the “ kids” but then in the same post, your own isn’t a “kid” he or she is a child. Don’t you see that? It might even be subconscious but it really does come across as though they are inconvenient neighbourhood children.

I don’t think you should have to do the club drop off by the way. But I agree you should moderate your language.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 17:22

@EmpressCixi, when my youngest was 2yo, 6.00~6.30pm was the worst time of the day.
They needed to have eaten, in the bath to be in bed by 7.00pm unless you wanted an evening of screaming.

It’s the worst time in the day with a child that age. And for that reason, the OP is right to say NO.
Wo a child that age, yes it’s fair to say ‘let’s all go together’ AS LONG AS the dsc are also accepting that they might also need to go to the OP’s children activities and wait in the side lines too.

TurquoiseDragon · 09/03/2022 17:26

@Plinkyplonkyplonk

I feel sorry for the child. I understand what your saying, but if I had step children, while they were in my care I'd treat them as my own. You knew your hub had children when you commited to him, or did you just commit to him and not the children

Marrying the children's father does not mean taking on all the parenting responsibilities.

This is actually on their father and mother to sort and arrange. Because it sounds like they've just assumed OP would do it without actually asking if it's okay.

PikachuAndMe · 09/03/2022 17:26

YANBU. You have other children to consider. Why should the 9yos activity trump the schedule of the younger children? The parents can sort something else out if they want 9yo to go.

bluepeacock · 09/03/2022 17:26

Oh here we go again;stepmum bashing;seems to mumsnetters favourite activity along with slaying SAHM's.

Oh here we go again with all the stepmums with a massive chip on their shoulder shouting "but MN just HATES ALL STEPMUMS!"

I don't dislike anyone as a blanket rule. There are nice step-mums and nasty ones. Nice biological mums and nasty ones.

I just think it comes down to whether you're the kind of person who would go a bit out of your way to make a young kid happy or not.

If you don't want to do it, don't.

Debroglie · 09/03/2022 17:26

Given your dc is 2yo then it depends how difficult you would find managing behaviour whilst waiting.
As for the “step-mums can’t win” that’s BS. I’d say exactly the same if you were a dad looking after step children and own children.
Fast forward a few years and imagine if your relationship had broken down and your dh had remarried and his new wife refused to take your dc to their hobby.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 17:27

@MatildaTheCat

Poor child. His parents have split and because of that he can’t play his sport even though it could be facilitated. Surely agreeing to become a step mother you do take on a certain amount of parenting? And children/kids DO want to do activities and that’s a good thing.

In the future you’ll be willing to do this for your own child. Of course it’s different and it’s difficult but you are able to do this but don’t want to. I don’t think that’s a great look. Sorry.

Nan.

The dsc are fitting in within a new family unit that include younger children. Unfortunately they have to adapt to that, including the fact that being out of the house at 6.00~6.30pm with a 2yo just isn’t a good idea.

That’s not the OP’s fault. And the PARENTS can still organise something with other parents/friends etc… who are going to that activity too. Or they could find another place who doesn’t that activity in a different day.
Plenty of solutions that don’t involve an overtired toddler been taken to places when they should be winding down for bed.
Because surely that’s not fair to keep the 2yo up right?

EmpressCixi · 09/03/2022 17:28

[quote TravellingFrom]@EmpressCixi, when my youngest was 2yo, 6.00~6.30pm was the worst time of the day.
They needed to have eaten, in the bath to be in bed by 7.00pm unless you wanted an evening of screaming.

It’s the worst time in the day with a child that age. And for that reason, the OP is right to say NO.
Wo a child that age, yes it’s fair to say ‘let’s all go together’ AS LONG AS the dsc are also accepting that they might also need to go to the OP’s children activities and wait in the side lines too.[/quote]
Depends on the child. My DCs earliest bedtime was 8pm from infancy. If there’s an activity that runs from 5:30-6:30pm and I had a 2yr old, I’d feed them beforehand. It’s not rocket science. 6-6:30 is the worst time of day for you and your child, perhaps you need to accept not every child is a carbon copy of yours. We don’t even know when the activity is, just that it is over usual tea time...so the obvious answer is have an early tea or take healthy snacks to tide them over.

Peoniesandcream · 09/03/2022 17:29

They're your step children OP, therefore you must bend over backwards and treat them better than your own kids. This is MN don't you know! 🙄 utterly batshit on here sometimes.

Cleothecat75 · 09/03/2022 17:30

I agree with @BrieAndChilli. You are part of a blended family. When you married your dh, you knew he was part of a package. If my dc ever end up with a step mother I really hope she is kind and happy to treat the dc as her own (as I did when an ex had a child, I looked after her on the odd occasion she was with us and he had to work, I included her in our special occasions, chauffeured her around if needed).

I have 3dc, sometimes juggling after school clubs is a nightmare, sometimes I’ve had to pack the dc a packed tea to eat on the side of a football pitch. Sometimes they have had to have a late night And go out in their pjs because we had to collect someone from cubs/dance/whatever. It’s not ideal, but it’s part of being a family and we just got on with it.

And maybe, if you take you dsc to the club a few times and get to Know the other parents a bit, there might be someone you can lift share with in the future. This has definitely happened at things we have been involved in.

ddshocker · 09/03/2022 17:30

Would you do it if it was your own dc?

If yes then yabu...
If no then that's fine...but there are ways to make it work if you want to I suppose

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2022 17:31

If you're all happy that they stay "the husband's kids", and you are a detached additional adult who doesn't have much to do with them/their care, then that's fine and there are families who rub along that way.

This is only even on the table because she literally does already look after and care for them while their parents are busy doing other things.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 09/03/2022 17:31

Don't know why you're getting such a hard time here @CartoonFig. It's not up to you to sort out your step children. They have a mother and a father to do that. I would not volunteer to do the running around and I'm speaking as a person who is not a step-parent and would never want to be one.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 17:32

Fast forward a few years and imagine if your relationship had broken down and your dh had remarried and his new wife refused to take your dc to their hobby. you'd have to have a massive sense of entitlement to even assume his new wife had any obligation to take your child to an activity you had booked.

Stressedout1009 · 09/03/2022 17:33

@gamerchick

No, they have 2 parents who need to sort that out.

This. I would stay out of it and make it clear. Way too much of a hassle and inconvenience. Can he not swap with the mum?Either way he needs to sort this out.

nearlyspringyay · 09/03/2022 17:33

Leave it to the parents to work out, you are not the defacto childcare.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 09/03/2022 17:33

I wouldn't do this for my own children - too much hassle with a two year old. I don't have stepchildren.

There are often threads about people getting exhausted trying to pack too much into the week so I can totally understand not wanting to take on something that feels like too much. Knowing our limits is really important.

Arghhconfused · 09/03/2022 17:34

Taxi for the 9year old

Stressedout1009 · 09/03/2022 17:34

@BrieAndChilli

i actually dont agree with the other posters!!

you had a child with this man so you were fully aware that he had 2 other young children, in my opinion by agreeing to have a family with him you agreed that those 2 children would also be part of your family.

if all 3 kids were yours would you refuse them to do any activities because it would mean taking the other 2 children along? I suspect not (and the rest of us parents with more than 1 child have had to do this all the time - its what you do for your family)

i asume that when your child wants to do an activity you will refuse if it happens to be on a day you have the other 2 kids?

But they are not her children. The child has 2 parents to sort it out between themselves.