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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
CartoonFig · 10/03/2022 10:28

So I spoke with him last night.

It is a club that a friend is going to which is why it's on this particular day and they didn't just look for another one (yes it's football, which they've never before shown any interest in but there we go!).

He's not happy I've said no but I've just told him he'll need to contact the friends parent or something, work something out with work or speak to their Mum because it doesn't work for me.

Tbh I walked away before we got into a spat about it as I couldn't be bothered with it last night. Balls in his court now anyway.

OP posts:
SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 10/03/2022 10:39

Good for you, @CartoonFig.

billy1966 · 10/03/2022 10:54

Well done OP.

Think long and hard about having more children with this loser.

So many step mothers bitterly regret their decision because of the way they are treated as free childcare/skivvys for children that are not theirs and have two parents.

Have a long hard look at how much you do and how much you put up with.

You are being used here.Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 10/03/2022 10:58

It's not about being step parent, it's about standing in the rain/sitting in a car with a hungry two year old. The needs of the two year old are not trumped by the wants of the step child to do a hobby.

The kids are lucky. They have three (possibly four) adults who look after them.

GlitteryGreen · 10/03/2022 11:09

Good for you @CartoonFig.

Hopefully the friend's parent will be up for taking him along with them. I think you're completely right to stand your ground on this, the timing just can't work with the rest of your household, it's just not practical unless your DH wants to come home early and take him, leaving you able to stay at home with the other 2.

Steppered · 10/03/2022 11:18

I've seen plenty of Stepmum pile ons in my time but this one's just unbelievable.

Whatever you seem to do or say, you can't win.

If you'd said "my stepkids/my stepchildren", someone would have come along to grill you about whether you were married and how long you'd been together and whether you are indeed allowed to call them your stepchildren.

I'm surprised you've not been asked if you were the OW yet.

Oh, and a special prize to the poster who suggested YOU get someone to look after your 2 year old so YOU can ferry your stepchild around! Wow!

You're playing a part in the blended family already by doing school pick-up and giving tea etc while OH is at work. Your OH sounds like an ungrateful sod - and one of those guilty Dads who doesn't like to have their kid hear the word no. Come winter when it's dark and freezing, that's not fair for the younger 2 kids and the toddler would fall asleep in the car as it's dark by 4pm! It's just not practical and you shouldn't be tying yourself in knots or getting some of the responses you're getting on here.

I hope OH is contrite today, otherwise I'm afraid you may have bigger problems on your hands in years to come.

SartresSoul · 10/03/2022 11:22

Is it swimming? I don’t know of any other clubs that require a parent to stay that’s all, most you can drop and pick up later. If it’s swimming, maybe they could find another swim class at another point in the week or at a different swimming pool that they can actually take their child to. Ultimately think YANBU because you’d have two other children to sit with and it wouldn’t be fun.

RedWingBoots · 10/03/2022 11:33

@SartresSoul

Is it swimming? I don’t know of any other clubs that require a parent to stay that’s all, most you can drop and pick up later. If it’s swimming, maybe they could find another swim class at another point in the week or at a different swimming pool that they can actually take their child to. Ultimately think YANBU because you’d have two other children to sit with and it wouldn’t be fun.
It's football.

In my area most football clubs for children take place on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Fewer take place on weekday evenings.

So both the SC parents are completely and totally out of order.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 10/03/2022 11:36

It's football. It's practice during the week apparently with games at the weekend. I don't really know much about it.

There'd be no point dropping off, coming home, then going back to collect. I'd have barely any time at home and would probably just annoy DC2 even more.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 10/03/2022 11:45

I don't really know much about it.

Why should you? The child hasn't shown previous interest in it plus it hasn't been discussed with you, the glorified babysitter.

fuckoffImcounting · 10/03/2022 12:06

The tedious pedantry on this tread is class based. Middle class mums don't use the term 'kids' and resent anyone that does.

Berthatydfil · 10/03/2022 12:58

You are not being unreasonable. The parents have assumed that you will be able to do this.
And you just can’t- I doubt you would even have considered it if it was not a dsc.

I don’t think it’s any thing to do with step/not it’s just the practicalities.
I have 3 children and when they were younger myself and dh had to decide what we could commit to and what we couldn’t in relation to activities. DH usually wasn’t home until gone 6 so most weekday early evening activities fell to me, and I have to say that my oldest didn’t get to do such a wide range of activities as my youngest simply because I had 2 younger siblings to consider and obviously that wasn’t the case with the youngest. I can’t see much difference between this situation and the ops except these are step dc.
Added to this is the fact that your dh can’t have his cake and eat it - if he doesn’t want you parenting his children that’s all well and good and op can back off and leave it to their parents but he can’t then cherry pick certain things he would like op to do because it’s convenient or suits them.

TravellingFrom · 10/03/2022 13:28

@CartoonFig

So I spoke with him last night.

It is a club that a friend is going to which is why it's on this particular day and they didn't just look for another one (yes it's football, which they've never before shown any interest in but there we go!).

He's not happy I've said no but I've just told him he'll need to contact the friends parent or something, work something out with work or speak to their Mum because it doesn't work for me.

Tbh I walked away before we got into a spat about it as I couldn't be bothered with it last night. Balls in his court now anyway.

👏👏👏

Well done.
Assertive and you haven’t been drawn into the ‘they are your dcs’ which he could played you in.
Hopefully, between him and his mum, they’ll be able to find a way to take him to football Wo your input. Should be easier as you already look after dsc2 anyway….

Pigsears · 10/03/2022 13:38

I do this for my own kids. So yes, I'd do for DSS too.

However, I'd also look to share lifts with another family.

Tricky bit about being a SS is that dont always know the other parents, could be further away from where they all live, they maybe frosty towards you. Thats my experience anyway. However, if the friends parent gets the message you cant be bothered to do any of the travel etc that works against you on future stuff. if you arent bothered with this- then ok. but DS is 9 and he is likely to have more rather than less clubs.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/03/2022 13:58

@CartoonFig

Perhaps it is a geographical thing because literally no one around my end thinks of "kids" as derogatory, at all. People use it daily. My friends call their own kids, kids. If anything it's just a causal way of saying children.

I think as PP said, when I say it in my head it's an automatic way I refer to multiple children as opposed to one child 🤷‍♀️

I don't know what this aversion to the word "kids" is about on MN either. I almost exclusively refer to my kids as kids, Child sounds a bit formal or something Grin
ChampagneLassie · 10/03/2022 14:27

Because if the Q is about logistics then telling us they're not your own children is irrelevant. But it sounds like you think you should treat differently as they're not your kids, they're your husbands and you're looking for support in that perspective and instead most people are saying your attitude is bit off

FayCarew · 10/03/2022 14:28

@ChampagneLassie, the OP doesn't have a say in the parenting of her step-children, so she can't treat them as if they are her own children can she?

WingingItEveryDay7 · 10/03/2022 14:29

Good for you OP! It's really not fair for them to expect you to facilitate something you've had no say or input over. Will football practice always fall on your DH day to have his kids? If so that is entirely unfair for their mum to have arranged it because she'll never be responsible for actually taking them! I come from a blended family and have been the kid flitting between 2 households. Wasn't always fun but neither my mum or dad made arrangements that would have impacted upon my step mum or step dad! I really don't understand a lot of the posts on MN that insinuate the step mum should just suck it up and deal..... Absolutely bonkers!!

thing47 · 10/03/2022 14:33

@CartoonFig

It's football. It's practice during the week apparently with games at the weekend. I don't really know much about it.

There'd be no point dropping off, coming home, then going back to collect. I'd have barely any time at home and would probably just annoy DC2 even more.

This is really quite simple, DSS can't do football training on that day because neither of his parents are available to get him there. The end.
Wiredforsound · 10/03/2022 14:42

Step parents always have their arses handed to them on a plate in these threads. I’m with the OP here. The children already have two parents to provide for them and if a child wants to take part in an activity it’s their job to facilitate that, not dump the poor kid on the step parent. She’s doing plenty by taking them in and looking after them when their dad isn’t even there.

vampirewellness · 10/03/2022 14:48

So DH expects you to sit in the car for an hour with a toddler and another child at dinner time?

Would he do this if he was available?

Squidgames4U · 10/03/2022 15:08

Would you do this if the child was yours?

If the answer is yes.. then, well.

Sally872 · 10/03/2022 15:32

Right decision op. Either parent can try and facilitate it if they can. Kids can't do everything dc might just have ti accept this one can't happen.

Sally872 · 10/03/2022 15:35

@Squidgames4U

Would you do this if the child was yours?

If the answer is yes.. then, well.

This has been answered by OP a few times. If you select "see all" at bottom of the OPs post you can see all her replies together.
diddl · 10/03/2022 15:43

@Squidgames4U

Would you do this if the child was yours?

If the answer is yes.. then, well.

Then well what?