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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
Minniem2020 · 09/03/2022 22:36

I wouldn't be doing this either. Entertaining 2 kids in the car for an hour, messing up meal times. Not to mention when my DC were 2 I refused to take them in the car after around 5pm, I could guarantee they'd fall asleep then there'd be hell to pay at bedtime.

MzHz · 09/03/2022 22:40

Step mums are not the hired help to entertain your kids without a single thought to their own time. These kids have 2 parents who are responsible for them and simply the idea of this hobby needs to be entirely supported by the parents with an occasional favour from others and the stepmother needs to be way down on that list.

I was a single parent with no kids dad on the scene, absolutely everything I signed dc up for I had to cover or it didn’t happen

What the fuck point is there in signing a kid up to an activity that neither parent can actually facilitate. This is entirely a parent problem

And helping out isn’t being stuck with the entire burden of wrangling all the kids

What would op’s h do if she weren’t on the scene? There would be no late working then, or he’d have to swap days with their mother

Why not swap around now? Good enough reason to.

These are your kids… you have to facilitate their stuff on an ongoing basis not dump it on exes partner.

theresAtablet4thatNow · 09/03/2022 22:41

YANBU, OP. It's not convenient for you or the other two ch-kid-ren in the mix. Either the actual parents find a way to make it work or the child finds another hobby to do on a different day. I'd agree to drop the child off, but I wouldn't want to stay the whole time or return for pick-up.

What a lot of fuss over "kid" vs. "child"! It's the type of thing I remember only a few of the silliest fuddy-duddies wringing their hands over when I was a "kid", myself, over thirty years ago.

whiteroseredrose · 09/03/2022 22:46

@Nosieparker

Totally agree with *@duckme and @BrieAndChilli* if all 3 were your own would you still say no?

Each child has two parents. If the OP was one of the parents then it is her call to suffer the boredom.

In this case it isn't.

Neither of the DH's kid's parents can take them so that is that.

theresAtablet4thatNow · 09/03/2022 22:50

The tearful emojis over two children who still have both their parents who are benefitting greatly from the times that OP watches their kids for them so they can work !

I've always felt that I wouldn't want to marry a man with children, and the attitudes I see on MN have convinced me that I'm right. Step-mothers simply can't do anything right, in the minds of so many. No, they aren't her kids. No, it's not her job to do for them what their own (living) parents won't bother to do. (If this hobby is that important, they can find a way that doesn't come at the expense of OP and the two other children in the equation.) No, she won't feel for them the way she feels for her own child. Imo, it would be different if they lived with OP full time and didn't have a living mother, but they do. She is not their mother, so I wouldn't expect her to think of them as her own children.

ToastedCrumpetWithCheese · 09/03/2022 22:51

The assumption that the OP will just do it, is what would make me cross. It's like assuming that another parent should pick up the child (or drop them home) without asking them first. No one would think that's acceptable (but surely they're going that way anyway!!!) Hmm

ToastedCrumpetWithCheese · 09/03/2022 22:54

The OP has said that she's not a third parent to her step-children. Neither mum or dad wish her to be a parent figure. They can't have it both ways. Either the OP is a parent figure and involved in discussions about activities before they're arranged or she's not (and therefore not included in discussions and can therefore say the arrangements don't suit).

Littlepaws18 · 09/03/2022 23:03

We have had this battle Olin our household too. And I absolutely agree with you- the answer is no. The world doesn't evolve around one child, it's absolutely not fair to take the other three to watch and waste away their evening after a long day at school- and finally it's not your responsibility to look after a child anyway. You don't have parental rights and if anything goes wrong it puts you in a terrible situation.

CheshireChat · 09/03/2022 23:27

I think I'd be very clear to your husband that he needs to check first if you're willing and able to do stuff as you're not staff.

The fact he just decided would infuriate me.

Ps. I like kids too, just like the ring of the word.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 09/03/2022 23:40

Eff that. I wouldn't do it for my own child. The one time Dh signed our oldest up for something in the evening, and we had littler ones at home, he made darn sure that he was available to take her! Because, y'know, he also respects my time...

I also think that 90% of this could have been sorted if either parent had started a conversation with @CartoonFig that was respectful and collaborative.

altiara · 09/03/2022 23:42

If it was me and the children were reversed so the 9 and 7 year olds were mine and the 2 year old was my step child, I would look at finding another day for clubs instead of disrupting a 2 year olds routine.
There are 6 other days in the week, the parents can choose a different day and if that means a different club then so be it.

Buttercup54321 · 09/03/2022 23:47

I wouldnt agree to that!!

ALittleBitofVitriol · 09/03/2022 23:49

And yes, that meant the oldest missed out on some things. They also got many many perks as the oldest child/grandchild!
There's pros and cons to everything.
I think that understanding that the world doesn't revolve around you, and to count the blessings you have, is a pro. 🤷🏻‍♀️

SecondRow · 10/03/2022 00:30

Just curious OP, do the step kids already do any other activities or have they in the past? And does their dad take them? Does he actually know what it can be like – the driving here and there, the faffing, the bags, the snacks, the waiting... And then add the two year old into the mix!

It does sound like the whole contact arrangement only works due to you facilitating them all. Or does he rush from work to collect them plus the toddler on several other days...?

Weatherwax13 · 10/03/2022 01:01

If my DH had arranged an activity for ANY of our kids that involved me having to do all the facilitating without sounding me out first, I'd be pissed off.
Whether it was my own or my SC.
I have memories of pacing round basketball courts, football pitches etc with a teething baby over my shoulder or a hangry toddler trying to run riot.
I don't think it's fair of any parent to arrange something and dump the practicalities on someone else.
Whether that's the mother, stepmother, grandma. Not on.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 10/03/2022 01:33

Your husband’s kids? So your step-children? You sound very detached from them
This
You presumably knew he was a parent but went ahead with the relationship anyway
If you have kids, surely you take them to groups regardless? The parent most likely to be able to take, in this case you. SadSad
Not effectively be like '' they're not mine so I shouldn't have to.''
Sounds shit for the kids involved Sad

EeeICouldRipATissue · 10/03/2022 01:34

Ok stupid bloody phone was playing up then, shouldn't be two sad faces after The parent most likely to be able to take, in this case is you!

BadNomad · 10/03/2022 01:41

@EeeICouldRipATissue

Your husband’s kids? So your step-children? You sound very detached from them This You presumably knew he was a parent but went ahead with the relationship anyway If you have kids, surely you take them to groups regardless? The parent most likely to be able to take, in this case you. SadSad Not effectively be like '' they're not mine so I shouldn't have to.'' Sounds shit for the kids involved Sad
Except that's not the reason she doesn't want to do it. It's because the other child and toddler would have to skip dinner to sit in the car for over an hour while the activity is happening.
startfresh · 10/03/2022 07:15

I fell asleep reading this last night so just finished but I just want to state I also say kids, it's not derogatory in any way. I'll say it about everyone, even myself when I was a kid.

I also live in the south (although am northern) and have never heard that it's derogatory. I've heart southerners use it.

Your step kids are your husbands kids so I don't see a problem with that, either.

And they can't just pick up a new hobby on a day that you have them if it doesn't suit you. And in your situation, I wouldn't start a new hobby for my eldest child on a day when I'm alone with 3 kids and my youngest has a nighttime routine that it would disrupt. And I don't think you'd be called a bad parent for not doing that, so you shouldn't be called a bad stepparent. I don't see why a stepparent should be made to feel bad for not bending over backwards at their own kid's expense (I'm not a stepparent and have never been).

It would be different if their mum wasn't around and they were living with you 100% of the time, maybe you would be more like their mum, and find alternative travel, but in this situation YANBU. And it's not up to you in any way to find alternative travel. That's just crazy. Although you could suggest to DH about it if it wasn't already considered.

What did your husband say when he got home?

diddl · 10/03/2022 08:08

If all three were Op's kids the same problem would still be there-an hour in a car with a 7yr old & a 2yr old.

She might however have the advantage of knowing another parent from the club she could ask for help.

StrawberryLollipops · 10/03/2022 08:44

@Walkingalot

Ex rings DH to say that his kid wants to do xxxx on this date. DH knows he won't be home and says, yeah, I'll ask DW to do it. DW says no. DH had given no thought or consideration to this request, how it affects everybody, just passed the baton to DW. News Flash - he needs to parent up. If he so desperately wants his kid to do this thing, then make the bloody effort yourself.
This! DH and Ex can't just arrange for OP to do something without even checking with her.

As it stands, it's not convenient so they should accept 'No' as an answer.

sausagesandchamp · 10/03/2022 09:05

I wouldn't do it for my own child. Clubs over a mealtime, that I'd have to take the younger ones to are a nightmare. So we don't do them. If two parents were home and available to split childcare it's a different story. This child has at least three parent figures, so this club should not become the stress point in the week for you.

Minikievs · 10/03/2022 09:14

OP I'm not sure why you've got such a load of frothing angry responses.
I think you've explained the situation re timings and why it wouldn't work, re whether you'd do it for your own kids or not etc etc perfectly succinctly and I think some people on this site enjoy getting their knickers in a twist.
FWIW I had one child. Now I have two kids. My exDH refers to them as the kids. My boyfriend refers to them as the kids, I ask him about his kids.....it's a COMPLETELY NORMAL PHRASE Confused
Anyway, the timings don't work for you, YANBU to say no

TopCatsTopHat · 10/03/2022 09:18

Exactly as minikievs says, it's that simple.

mysweetlemonpie · 10/03/2022 09:42

YANBU

I wouldn't take a 2 year old out at that time in the evening just when they should be getting settled and into bed.

If the older child wants to go to the hobby then your dh needs to find another parent who can take them/bring them home (I would offer taxi money to them).

If not, then the older child can't go as efficiently you are a single parent in the evenings with a much younger child - who needs to go to bed and can't be left.