Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
marvellousmaple · 09/03/2022 20:53

A pp has said this several times but been ignored. I don't think anyone was worried about the use of the word "kids". It was the removal of any attachment to them. They are "husbands kids" , not "my step-kids". It was very obvious in the OP , that is why so many people picked up on it, and if OP reads it with clear eyes may realise it too. If I read that as one of the step-children I would certainly know where I stood .
With regard to the hobby, the OP is obviously under no obligation to take them but it would be kind. And those banging on about taking a 7yo and a 2yo out in the car for an evening like it is equivalent to trekking the Sahara must lead very easy lives! People with multiple children do this all the time. Personally, if the child was keen I'd say yes for 1 term , giving time for a more suitable plan to be organised - day swapped at work for example by the DH.

mumwon · 09/03/2022 20:55

Dh & I have only been married to each other & we only had children together
So
My opinion, first what's the fixation with the word kids? Its not an insult its usually used as a word of affection in my book. My dm who was the queens generation, didn't like the term & always picked us upon it saying the children are not goats. My answer was " well one of them might as well be because she only drank goat milk!"
From what op says she rushes home from work to pick up all the dc from various places, get them home, do all the mum care things, get her little one fed (& the older dc too) & ready for bed - she is now suppose to run round even more & her & the rest of the children's inconvenience & do this extra bit, thanks to her dh & his ex not working out how it might affect her.
You bet I think its thoughtless & selfish of them.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 20:55

@Spitspatspot

If it were me, I’d try and facilitate it - I’d be quite pleased to be asked, and see it as a nice way to connect over something with my stepchild
Even when it involved your two year old sitting in the car for more than an hour an a half, over his/her mealtime, every week? Seriously?
Walkingalot · 09/03/2022 20:56

Ex rings DH to say that his kid wants to do xxxx on this date. DH knows he won't be home and says, yeah, I'll ask DW to do it. DW says no.
DH had given no thought or consideration to this request, how it affects everybody, just passed the baton to DW.
News Flash - he needs to parent up. If he so desperately wants his kid to do this thing, then make the bloody effort yourself.

RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 20:56

@Notsandwiches

I guess it depends on whether you place much importance on your relationship with your husband's children. If you don't then you're going the right way about them recognising that you don't value them and don't consider them as part of your family.
This make no sense.

The OP's husband has made it clear she is just the baby sitter to his two older kids.

Anyway there is a 2 year old in the mix. 2 year olds go to bed earlier than 9 year olds, and the older kids parents are aware of it as they have two kids who were once two. So the OP can't do it as the needs of the 2 year old override the wants of the 9 year old.

EthelTheAardvark · 09/03/2022 21:00

Is the problem in practical terms that their mum couldn't arrange this for one of the evenings when the children are with her because it only happens on one evening? And that your husband can't help because that is the one night of the week he has no choice but to work?

If that is the situation, the solution would seem to be either to change the days they visit you so that their mum can take them; or try to find another way for them to do the activity on another day.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 21:00

@mediciempire

it's only an hour! i'd understand if it was 2 hours that you'd be waiting for the child but an hour can go past quickly enough. having a 2 year old makes no difference to that unless you're drip-feeding and yours is excessively difficult or something. it's an hour you would be spending with them either way so i think yabu and quite mean to begrudge 1 hour a week.
You've not included the travel time in that. So add another half hour for the two journeys, plus OP will need to get him there a few minutes beforehand, and will no doubt have to wait for a while for him to come out. These things rarely finish on the dot.

By my reckoning that poor toddler (and the 7 year old, who seems to be being overlooked here) will be sat in the car over their meal time, for getting on for two hours. Every single week.

I wouldn't agree to that for my own child, never mind facilitate it for my DH for his.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 09/03/2022 21:10

My friend had three children that had just about the same age range. Her eldest had to be taken to her clubs by her friend's mum. Her dad would take the middle child to her clubs (he came home early from work on those days). Her mother had the two eldest when she had swimming lessons with the youngest.

My friend occasionally had to manage taking the two oldest to their clubs with the toddler. At one club she sat in the car outside not even allowed to use the facilities. She'd be out of the house for up to two hours. She just about managed occasionally but wouldn't do it every week. She'd do anything to get help facilitating their activities.

The eldest started doing two activities so the middle child also had to do two. Then the baby was born! They were in different ability groups so had to go at different times on different days.

She said it was a logistical nightmare. Luckily baby ballet wasn't a hit with her youngest.

Jannt86 · 09/03/2022 21:16

And to the sanctamonious people playing the 'you should treat them as your own kids' guilt trip you cannot possibly say this without knowing the full story. In an ideal world this should absolutely be the case yes. However step families are incredibly complicated. For example I have a friend and he has a child who's mum plays mind games with him and the child and constantly denies him access despite court involvement. His new girlfriend does her best and would absolutely love this kid as her own if given the chance but visiting is so volatile that even dad struggles to maintain a relationship with the poor child never mind the stepmum. It is the responsibility of the biological parents too to embrace the step-parent. They have no actual parental rights so it's not as easy as some make out for them just to 'step up'

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 21:19

@Notsandwiches

I guess it depends on whether you place much importance on your relationship with your husband's children. If you don't then you're going the right way about them recognising that you don't value them and don't consider them as part of your family.
But Mum and Dad aren't doing it either. Do they not consider their own kids as family?!
Choccy21 · 09/03/2022 21:21

Surely Bram would be best to confess to the police rather than give away his £2 million pound house?!!

And how did that couple set up the car accident? And how do they know who Bram is ?

Sorry this is too far fetched !

Choccy21 · 09/03/2022 21:22

Sorry wrong thing thread !

Tiddlesthecat · 09/03/2022 21:23

It's too much to go and take a seven year old and a two year old along with you, especially the latter. It's a balancing act and unfortunately it doesn't work for you. However, perhaps the mother could look into it for another date or time when she has 'her' kids.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 09/03/2022 21:24

Well exactly. Maybe the 9 year old's father and mother could 'treat them as their own'?

Still intrigued as to who signed up the child for the hobby knowing neither the father or the mother would be available.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 09/03/2022 21:30

YANBU. I'm a mum and a step-mum. I wouldn't take either kid to something so inconvenient with 2 others in tow.

Step-mums are always wrong by default on MN so YABU for asking a reasonable question and expecting reasonable replies. Even the stepparent board, where you would expect to be able to go to for support, is full of replies from people who have a blatant hatred of step-mums. I gave up long ago seeking advice on here for blended family issues. Too many folk with too many chips on their shoulders.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 09/03/2022 21:50

Yanbu

theworldsgonefeckingmad · 09/03/2022 21:57

OP is from the north (I think) we use kids plural but usually child/son/daughter for just one, I had one child but now I've got 2 kids my partner also has 2 kids

The hobby could be football for a team the child's friends play with they only train on a set day every week so it's not a case of finding another day/time it would mean finding a different team. I don't think OP should do it if she doesn't want to but everyone saying they don't take older kids to hobbies if they have younger ones?! So only the youngest gets to do hobbies?! Bonkers! My youngest went to all oldest hobbies and he now goes to hers even though he doesn't need to so he realises what being a supportive sibling is and what his little sister had to do for him 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 22:11

OP is from the north (I think) we use kids plural but usually child/son/daughter for just one, I had one child but now I've got 2 kids my partner also has 2 kids

I am in deed.

It's funny because looking back at my OP people seem to have missed that I also referred to my child as a kid when saying "packing the kids back in the car" when talking about the possibility of dropping off at the activity, coming home and then going back out to pick them up aka eldest SC and my DC = the kids in that sentence.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 09/03/2022 22:12

@theworldsgonefeckingmad

OP is from the north (I think) we use kids plural but usually child/son/daughter for just one, I had one child but now I've got 2 kids my partner also has 2 kids

The hobby could be football for a team the child's friends play with they only train on a set day every week so it's not a case of finding another day/time it would mean finding a different team. I don't think OP should do it if she doesn't want to but everyone saying they don't take older kids to hobbies if they have younger ones?! So only the youngest gets to do hobbies?! Bonkers! My youngest went to all oldest hobbies and he now goes to hers even though he doesn't need to so he realises what being a supportive sibling is and what his little sister had to do for him 🤷‍♀️

I would move heaven and earth to continue any hobbies that the older children did before.

But any new hobbies around dinner/bath/bed would have to be on a night that someone was around for lift or to mind two year old, ideally other parent.

Dad can't do it as he is working.
Mum can do it as not her day/she is presumably working.
Step mum can't do it because too disruptive for siblings.

There are 2 other actual parents who are also not facilitating this.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/03/2022 22:14

Seems simple enough to me. All the kids needs should be taken into account before something is done for any one of them. A 2yo can't be reasonably expected to be fed at the wrong time and still function well. That's all there is to it really. I wouldn't do this if all the kids were mine. The only time I've done stuff similar is where it had been possible to take a packed dinner for the very young one and there has been no alternative. And the journey there and back could be done without buggering up the sleep pattern. The step mum thing is kinda irrelevant really as the deciding facts are the consideration of juggling the toddler to me

TopCatsTopHat · 09/03/2022 22:17

I've never seen so much pointless nit picking over slang on one thread before.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 22:20

everyone saying they don't take older kids to hobbies if they have younger ones?! So only the youngest gets to do hobbies

Nope. I was fortunate to have a DH, and one of us took whichever kid it was to clubs etc, and the other stayed home with the other child. Sometimes there were complications that meant that wasn't possible, in which case either another club/hobby parent would help out, or the other child would come along. But the latter didn't happen often enough to be really unfair or difficult for them.

TakeMe2Insanity · 09/03/2022 22:21

Look it disrupts the 2 year old. However if you were the 9 year old’s mum you’d be looking for a solution which the actual mum and dad should be doing. First idea for me is 9 year old goes directly from school to friend's house then activity then collected by actual parents while step mum deals with younger siblings.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/03/2022 22:28

@Thewindwhispers

I think people are reacting to the language you used because you seem to be implying that they aren’t your kids. They ARE your stepchildren. You are their stepmum. You are one of their parents and became one when you married your DH. On the days when they’re with you, it’s up to you and DH to sort out with the school what activities they do etc. You can’t just shrug and say ‘not my kid’or that you just ‘watch’ him. You’re supposd to be parenting them.

Poor kids 😢

The kids have 2 parents who can parent them, OP doesn't need to
FrenchBoule · 09/03/2022 22:31

YANBU OP

Being trapped in a car with a 2 year old is my idea of hell (for even less than an hour)
If the kid (pun intended) falls asleep then there’s hell to pay later. Toddler on recharged batteries running till 11pm because had a nap earlier on.Mine are the age of OP’s DC and I still remember hellish toddler years.Shame so many people forget what a hard slob it is.

OP is not there to do running around her stepkids in such way that it seriously complicates her life.
No parent with common sense signs up the child for activity without sorting out the logistics then huff about it.
It doesn’t work for OP and parents of SC are both CF’s expecting her to do it.

OP’s “D” H or his ExW should do it. If they are not willing to then the child doesn’t go to activity.
Just as @RedWingBoots mentioned, wants of SC (and their parents) don’t trump OP’s and her child’s needs

Put your foot down OP.