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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
thedarkling · 09/03/2022 20:07

@NorthSouthcatlady

Not your child = not your problem. Their parents can work it out
Ouch!
Heatherjayne1972 · 09/03/2022 20:08

Ha I’d put money on it that the husband and ex have sorted this already

By assuming the op will do it. ‘since she’s home with the kids anyway’

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 20:12

@Heatherjayne1972

Ha I’d put money on it that the husband and ex have sorted this already

By assuming the op will do it. ‘since she’s home with the kids anyway’

Really?? You think the ex and DH are that entwined that they've devised this?

Lots more going on if that's the case!

echt · 09/03/2022 20:15

Wow. What a shower of sanctimonious finger-wagging. Especially picking at her use of "kid". Hmm

Had all of this been framed within a biological family, no-one would have had a problem: the needs of the rest of the family, etc. Yet somehow a step-parent has to turn themselves inside out to accommodate what the "real'" parents can't be inconvenienced by.

The OP has said her DH regards his parenting as the rule for his child.
The OP is plainly a tap to be turned on and off as "the parent" when it suits the book of the biological parents, the ones who need to sort this out.

YANBU, OP.

HELLITHURT · 09/03/2022 20:16

@echt

Wow. What a shower of sanctimonious finger-wagging. Especially picking at her use of "kid". Hmm

Had all of this been framed within a biological family, no-one would have had a problem: the needs of the rest of the family, etc. Yet somehow a step-parent has to turn themselves inside out to accommodate what the "real'" parents can't be inconvenienced by.

The OP has said her DH regards his parenting as the rule for his child.
The OP is plainly a tap to be turned on and off as "the parent" when it suits the book of the biological parents, the ones who need to sort this out.

YANBU, OP.

You're a step parent aren't you?
Mediocrates · 09/03/2022 20:20

Blended families have such diverse ways of dealing with this stuff.

In my house, the children are our children. When my DH and I got together, and eventually moved in, we agreed that we were a family unit and as such, we take joint and equal responsibility for all of the children. For us, it would be nothing short of bizarre for me to ask my ex to do something with my children when they're at our house; my DH would expect to do it.

I have no advice, because your arrangement is v different to ours, but I'd say it's landing firmly on your husband to sort. If that's his contact time, their mum is entitled to be at work or otherwise committed

BadNomad · 09/03/2022 20:20

Gotta love Mumsnet. The only place where you must love stepchildren as if they are your own children and treat them better than your own, but you're not be allowed to have any say or parent them in any way.

This particular activity on this specific day is just not convenient. That's all it comes down to. It doesn't matter who owns which child.

Darbs76 · 09/03/2022 20:22

No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. As you say for the parents to find other options. At a push you could drop him if someone else could pick up, maybe then you could collect them later from Afterschool and go there direct. But I don’t see why you have to put yourself out.

Kids / child - those people are being more unreasonable. Kids is not derogatory

WonderfulYou · 09/03/2022 20:23

It's always sad when parents treat their kids as something to be fobbed off on others. 'Not her days'? That's heartbreaking.

Why are so many people blaming the mother?!
Like how dare she ask the father to do anything slightly inconvenient whilst looking after HIS child.

I’m assuming the mum works so probably arranges this around the days they see their dad or shock horror has a hobby or something.

It wouldn’t be fair on her, the children or the dad if she stopped contact on that day simply because one of them wants to do a hobby that happens to fall on a day they’re with their dad.

Sally872 · 09/03/2022 20:23

It isn't really relevant that it is step child. When my youngest was 2 I wouldn't take my 7 year old to a club that messed up dinner and bedtime on a school/work day. Clubs had to fit in with rest of family. Be a day that granny could help or mum or dad finished earlier. It is not unreasonable to say no. Add to that dad or mum are saying they won't accommodate so why should you?

I think dh is doing you and all the children a disservice by having his longer shift on the day the step children are here. Not fair on you or them and if mum doesn't want you to parent I am surprised she wouldn't agree to swap to a day he is there. Is there a chance dh is taking advantage?

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 09/03/2022 20:24

I suppose it all depends on how you view his children? Do you see yourselves as one big family? My kids have learnt that they have to hang around places for each other. It’s the perfect chance to do homework, spelling practice, reading or they get digital time.

If however you don’t see yourselves as one family, then go ahead. Say no. Maybe I’ve read into this wrongly, and if so, I’m sorry! However you don’t sound very attached to your step children.

Sally872 · 09/03/2022 20:26

@LincolnshireYellowBelly

I suppose it all depends on how you view his children? Do you see yourselves as one big family? My kids have learnt that they have to hang around places for each other. It’s the perfect chance to do homework, spelling practice, reading or they get digital time.

If however you don’t see yourselves as one family, then go ahead. Say no. Maybe I’ve read into this wrongly, and if so, I’m sorry! However you don’t sound very attached to your step children.

The 2 year old needs dinner, bath and bed. Not really something you can do outside of the house.

Did you honestly start your older children at new clubs at awkward times when only one parent available and youngest a toddler?

RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 20:26

@Jobsharenightmare

I did things like this for my stepchildren but then I was in their lives from a younger age. Presumably you have only been married a couple of years and therefore don't feel particularly keen to nurture them and want a hands off role.
The kids father doesn't want the OP involved in the care of his older two kids except when it suits him.

He and those kids can't have it both ways. Either the OP is actively engaged in helping to parent them when they are with their father, or she is just the babysitter.

At the moment she's just the babysitter and as such is doing the role he made it clear he wants from her.

Anyway with a 2 year old it won't work so the two parents have to workout a different solution not involving the OP.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 20:31

@LincolnshireYellowBelly yep my dcs learnt that. (Not sure thé 2yo is going to do any spelling or homework but hey Ho)

They also learnt that, because we are one family, sometimes you can’t do stuff because it’s too much to ask another family member. Whether it’s mum and dad or a sibling. That your wishes dont trump anyone else and you have to make som compromises. Also that some family member needs are non negotiable.
This could be because of age, SEN, chronic illness etc… So for example, my dcs have had to learn that I can’t do activities that require me to get up early (chronic Heath) so dc1 never hit into competitive swimming because I would have needed to get up at 5.00am twice a week.
The OP dsc might learn that a toddler schedule isn’t flexible and they can’t d activities around their bedtime.
That’s also part if normal family life.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 09/03/2022 20:32

So who organised this hobby for a 9 year old while both his parents were unavailable?

MiddleParking · 09/03/2022 20:34

I don’t get the ‘if they were your kids’ argument. I don’t know anyone who would be happy to keep a 2 and a 7 year old in the car for an hour every week, missing their usual tea and bedtime, while a 9 year old does an activity. Actually I don’t know that many people who’d be happy to have a 9, 7 and 2 year old on any kind of regular basis at all. Things like this activity issue are always mentioned when people post wondering whether they should go for a third DC or have a big age gap between children.

Genegenieee · 09/03/2022 20:35

@CartoonFig

No I'm pretty sure he can't. They are all required to stay longer on one day. Unless he swapped with someone else but last time he asked a while ago no one wanted to which is how I ended up looking after them this evening a week.
I think he should ask again. It's a pity for the kids that he's late back on one of their regular nights with you both (irrespective of the new activity request)
Jannt86 · 09/03/2022 20:36

@LincolnshireYellowBelly

I suppose it all depends on how you view his children? Do you see yourselves as one big family? My kids have learnt that they have to hang around places for each other. It’s the perfect chance to do homework, spelling practice, reading or they get digital time.

If however you don’t see yourselves as one family, then go ahead. Say no. Maybe I’ve read into this wrongly, and if so, I’m sorry! However you don’t sound very attached to your step children.

I don't think it's quite this simple. If it was just the 7YO I'd agree but I for one would NOT want to be sitting in a car with a 2YO at that time of night when they'll be tired and grumpy and likely fall asleep. I don't think I'd do that for my own children personally so the fact that it's a stepchild is irrelevant. It does sound from previous posts as well that OP's dh seems to see her as more of a babysitter than a co-parent. Her motivation therefore probably isn't and shouldn't be there to solve this problem. It's not convenient in the slightest and it isn't her desire for him to do this so it is up to the parent who is keen for him to do it to work it out.
LincolnshireYellowBelly · 09/03/2022 20:44

Fair enough about it not being that simple. I’ve just been at an indoor activity with my children who are older.

I don’t think though the OP mentioned the time, age of children or the fact they’d be sat in the car until page 3. Don’t really have the time to trawl through posts until all details are revealed 😊

Notsandwiches · 09/03/2022 20:48

I guess it depends on whether you place much importance on your relationship with your husband's children. If you don't then you're going the right way about them recognising that you don't value them and don't consider them as part of your family.

billy1966 · 09/03/2022 20:48

@MiddleParking

I don’t get the ‘if they were your kids’ argument. I don’t know anyone who would be happy to keep a 2 and a 7 year old in the car for an hour every week, missing their usual tea and bedtime, while a 9 year old does an activity. Actually I don’t know that many people who’d be happy to have a 9, 7 and 2 year old on any kind of regular basis at all. Things like this activity issue are always mentioned when people post wondering whether they should go for a third DC or have a big age gap between children.
I agree.

Over the years you might very very occasionally see some poor woman with a very young child hanging around waiting for an activity to be done.

Invariably the children were fractious, cranky, crying, and miserable.

Overtired and wanting to be at home, and this would be BEFORE 6pm.

The mothers were stressed and clearly wishing they were ANYWHERE else.

MorganKitten · 09/03/2022 20:48

@CartoonFig

It comes accords unpleasant, that's what people are saying to you

But why? That's what I'm saying to you. Why does calling my husband's kids, my husband's kids sound unpleasant?! They are his kids..?

My step dad has always referred to me as his daughter, not ‘my wife’s kid’, it makes you look like you don’t want them or care for them.
MotherofAutism · 09/03/2022 20:50

My thoughts are fairly simple, treat his children the exact same way you would treat your own children. So if you'd do it for your own kids when they're older, then do it for your step children

RedWingBoots · 09/03/2022 20:52

@MotherofAutism

My thoughts are fairly simple, treat his children the exact same way you would treat your own children. So if you'd do it for your own kids when they're older, then do it for your step children
The OP is unlikely to have a 2 year old when her own kid is 9 and wants to do a random activity, so she is rightly treating her husband's kids the exact same way.
Jannt86 · 09/03/2022 20:52

@Notsandwiches

I guess it depends on whether you place much importance on your relationship with your husband's children. If you don't then you're going the right way about them recognising that you don't value them and don't consider them as part of your family.
And what about her own relationship with her 2YO? Bedtime can be a lovely time with your toddler. The time that you get some sillies out together, snuggle and read some books, get lots of cuddles in. She should be allowed to make the important decision as to whether this sacrifice is worth it whoever it's for
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