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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do this?

430 replies

CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 16:35

One evening a week until around 6:30 I watch my husband's kids along with ours whilst he finishes at work (he has to stay later this day).

One of them wants to do a hobby on this evening and I've been asked if I'll take them so they can do it. It's about 15 mins away and I'd have to stay. I've said no. I have his other kid too and our young child who'd have to be dragged along.

AIBU to say that I'm not taking them so H or their mum even will need to sort something between them if they want to go?

OP posts:
FirmButFairMum · 09/03/2022 19:46

@Nicewarmsocks

I have to say, I still kind of have my jaw on the floor about all the comments saying "It's not your child. You're not a paid babysitter. Get the parents to do it." Is that really how people in this community feel about stepchildren?

I only joined Mumsnet earlier this week, and have become progressively more horrified each day at the responses I've read on here. I think I picked the wrong parent-advice network.

@Nicewarmsocks there are some really lovely people on here but likewise there are some bitter judgemental individuals. Thankfully the former outweigh the latter but get an angry pile on and it can be horrendous. I’ve deleted my account, had 6-12 months off then returned a couple of times Flowers
Jellybean23 · 09/03/2022 19:47

sorry if someone has already mentioned this but IF you took your stepdaughter to the club and back again, your toddler is bound to fall asleep in the car and it will be hell on those evenings getting him/her to sleep at bedtime.

Jobsharenightmare · 09/03/2022 19:47

I did things like this for my stepchildren but then I was in their lives from a younger age. Presumably you have only been married a couple of years and therefore don't feel particularly keen to nurture them and want a hands off role.

Marmelace · 09/03/2022 19:48

@CowsAreNotGreen

It feels like IWD passed some people by, or maybe SM's don't count. Why on earth is it OP's responsibility to take this child to their hobby? Dad is the parent here. OP could walk out their life tomorrow if she wanted. She is being nice and looking after them that is HER choice why is Dad now suddenly taking this for granted and expecting more of her than of the child's own other parent. Why are posters here suggesting she thinks of solutions, finds a friend to take them etc. This is asking her to do "the wife work" but for someone else's children, while the actual parents do nothing.
👏👏👏👏
mediciempire · 09/03/2022 19:48

it's only an hour! i'd understand if it was 2 hours that you'd be waiting for the child but an hour can go past quickly enough. having a 2 year old makes no difference to that unless you're drip-feeding and yours is excessively difficult or something. it's an hour you would be spending with them either way so i think yabu and quite mean to begrudge 1 hour a week.

JacquelineCarlyle · 09/03/2022 19:50

I call my DCs kids too Op, so I'm surprised by the comments about that.

Anyway, I don't think you're being unreasonable - the timings don't work given the other kids, so nothing you can do. Their parents can figure another way if it's so important (by calling in favours / asking for help from the parents of other children attending the activity or something similar). Otherwise the child can't go to the activity!

Sprucewillis · 09/03/2022 19:50

I'm firmly of the belief the parent who signs up for the club has the responsibility to take them. My DH used clubs to control my life for years. Not anymore

MoiraNotRuby · 09/03/2022 19:51

Depends on various things.

If DH prepared a dinner that could be eaten in the car, I wouldn't mind taking the three kids, one does their activity and the other two have a car picnic, we read stories, middle one does homework. Depending on the location and weather we might go for a small walk / get out and blow bubbles, kick a ball around etc.

I am a big fan of hobbies though. My kids are older now and I did all sorts of juggling arrangements when they were primary age so they could do all sorts of hobbies and it really enriched their childhood. Depends on the temperament of the toddler as well ...

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:51

@mediciempire

it's only an hour! i'd understand if it was 2 hours that you'd be waiting for the child but an hour can go past quickly enough. having a 2 year old makes no difference to that unless you're drip-feeding and yours is excessively difficult or something. it's an hour you would be spending with them either way so i think yabu and quite mean to begrudge 1 hour a week.
Yes it's an hour I'd be spending with them anyway... Giving them their tea, a bath, winding down for bed, not stood around in the rain or in a carseat. Of course it makes a difference WHERE and WHAT you're doing for that time.
OP posts:
Walkingalot · 09/03/2022 19:52

The thing is, if they were all her own kids, I doubt very much OP would agree to this, because as the parent expected to do the ferrying around, she quite rightly has a say in the matter and it affects 2 other kids who are not doing this activity. No one has a right to dictate how someone else spends/organising their time. If the DH and ex really want this kid to do this thing, they can sort it.

PikachuAndMe · 09/03/2022 19:52

The solution to this is to tell the 9yo that you will buy them an X-Box if they tell their mother that they don't want to go to the club. Sorted.

Honestly though, just say No. If the child's parents want the child to do an activity then they need to sort out logistics. Perfectly fine for them to ask but it is difficult and puts you and the other children out. It isn't for you to sort out their wants.

Original poster
CartoonFig · 09/03/2022 19:52

@Jellybean23

sorry if someone has already mentioned this but IF you took your stepdaughter to the club and back again, your toddler is bound to fall asleep in the car and it will be hell on those evenings getting him/her to sleep at bedtime.
This is a worry too for me. They aren't the best sleeper (although not absolutely terrible either).
OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 09/03/2022 19:54

Well tough shit he’s not happy. He’s asked a question, you’ve given him an answer. Just because it’s an answer he doesn’t like

I hope once you can actually have a conversation, he can see how it wouldn’t work out and would be a nightmare for the other two children.

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 19:54

@mediciempire

it's only an hour! i'd understand if it was 2 hours that you'd be waiting for the child but an hour can go past quickly enough. having a 2 year old makes no difference to that unless you're drip-feeding and yours is excessively difficult or something. it's an hour you would be spending with them either way so i think yabu and quite mean to begrudge 1 hour a week.
Mum and Dad aren't doing it either is that mean?
billy1966 · 09/03/2022 19:54

@Jellybean23

sorry if someone has already mentioned this but IF you took your stepdaughter to the club and back again, your toddler is bound to fall asleep in the car and it will be hell on those evenings getting him/her to sleep at bedtime.
This is why the majority of parents wouldn't do this.
apple93 · 09/03/2022 19:54

I think yabu.

I know it's a pain that you have to entertain 2 year old at dinner time I know it all so well but this is your child's sibling

I know its a pain in the arse but you knew he had children and they come part of your life for the long haul. You may possibly be grandma to their children one day, but going by your tone I think you will be that woman who goes "I'm not one of your grandmothers you are my husbands grand kids"

I think you should do it, it looks good to your child growing up and he/she may get bored anyway after a few weeks!

Readytopop2022x · 09/03/2022 19:55

You're not being unreasonable for the reasons you've stated. Right over tea time, and you'd have to take the other to kids along. Doesn't make sense. Ask DH to make alternative arrangements.

Also disagree with PP saying you sound detached for saying "husbands kids" people on here LOVE to poke holes in everything it's actually hilarious 🤣 don't even entertain it! Not like you're going to lose sleep over it!

charliebear78 · 09/03/2022 19:56

At first I thought you were BU but after reading all your replies I no longer think you are.
Speak to your H and explain like you have here and hopefully He and the KIDS mum can sort something between them( which is what should have happened to begin with-especially with him saying he does not expect you to be a 3rd parent)
I actually find that quite hurtful, you are his Wife and IMO should have some say in how the children are parented
My H has known my own Son since he was 3 and he takes my son to his clubs etc, he is involved in how we parent together and I would never try to exclude him, he would feel pretty shitty if i did.
By the way round here we also call kids, kids and I say it about my own
It is only on MN that it seems to be frowned at

CowsAreNotGreen · 09/03/2022 19:57

@apple93

I think yabu.

I know it's a pain that you have to entertain 2 year old at dinner time I know it all so well but this is your child's sibling

I know its a pain in the arse but you knew he had children and they come part of your life for the long haul. You may possibly be grandma to their children one day, but going by your tone I think you will be that woman who goes "I'm not one of your grandmothers you are my husbands grand kids"

I think you should do it, it looks good to your child growing up and he/she may get bored anyway after a few weeks!

OP doesn't want to. Why does her DH get to dictate what she does with her time? If my DH had a sulk because I didn't want to ferry his children around I'd be straight out of here.
NorthSouthcatlady · 09/03/2022 19:58

Not your child = not your problem. Their parents can work it out

4timesthefun · 09/03/2022 19:59

I can understand your perspective OP, but also think it wouldn’t hurt to consider the 9yr old in this too. I’d offer to drop off (at 9 you shouldn’t need to get out of the car) and tell your DH that he and his ex will just need to sort how they are getting home. I agree it shouldn’t be you needing to contact the coach or friends’ parents

Marmelace · 09/03/2022 19:59

@apple93

I think yabu.

I know it's a pain that you have to entertain 2 year old at dinner time I know it all so well but this is your child's sibling

I know its a pain in the arse but you knew he had children and they come part of your life for the long haul. You may possibly be grandma to their children one day, but going by your tone I think you will be that woman who goes "I'm not one of your grandmothers you are my husbands grand kids"

I think you should do it, it looks good to your child growing up and he/she may get bored anyway after a few weeks!

The husband also knew he would be working when he agreed to take his child to the club, why couldn't he have sorted it out so he spent the time with his child.
stuntbubbles · 09/03/2022 20:00

I do think in general facilitating family life for blended families is a better policy than blanket “not my kids”, but no way in hell would my 2yo manage tea on the run and sitting out at an older sibling’s hobby at that time. It would be a recipe for misery for everyone. The hobby would probably end up on the news.

Frankola · 09/03/2022 20:03

YANBU if it means you have to drag the other kids there and stay for the duration every week.

But maybe your DH can change his long days to facilitate this?

Mumbean12 · 09/03/2022 20:05

YANBU Given the timing of the activity, it’s not something I would consider for my own children/kids. In fact I have ruled out clubs/activities for this reason as it’s inconvenient for our family. I hope the child’s parents are able to find a solution between them, because ultimately it is for then to resolve.