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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what the motivation is for ‘acts of kindness’

145 replies

Hailsafe · 09/03/2022 11:54

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

OP posts:

BluerThanRobinsEggs · 09/03/2022 11:57

I was listening to this earlier: www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00154cn The Anatomy of Kindness - which covers a lot of this.

stayathomer · 09/03/2022 11:58

I saw someone ask something very similar on fb recently. I think some people definitely do it for the praise, but more people do it (hopefully) because they want to brighten someone's day, help someone or the like. I try my best to help and cheer as many people up as possible although I do somewhat agree with the theory from 'Friends' that I may be motivated by the happiness I see in others being cheered up and then, one step further, sometimes people pay it forward or help me out (although that's not my intention)

Retup · 09/03/2022 12:00

Interested to hear replies on this. I suspect it is different reasons for different people. Anyone putting it in social media must be doing it for their own benefit in a way. My son likes watching mr beast and thinks he is really nice man cos for instance he will go up to a random homeless person on the street and gift them an expensive car. But I try to explain to him that it isn’t really nice he is doing it for likes and subscribes. He is using that homeless man. If he really wanted to help he could do x, y, z and not put in on social media. But I suppose that in an extreme case.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 09/03/2022 12:03

think some people definitely do it for the praise, but more people do it (hopefully) because they want to brighten someone's day, help someone or the like

That's like me, I don't tell people I just do because I want to and a bit of random kindness brightens everyone's day.
I do follow some random acts of kindness groups on FB though, and even though they're telling people what they've done I do think that does have its good points as in a world of crappy stuff and negativity, it's nice to see people being nice
Also it's catching so to speak and makes you want to spread more around

KitKattaktik · 09/03/2022 12:06

Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them?

They're virtue signalling. Look how kind I am!!

Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

Nope. They do it for kudos and praise.

pawpaws2022 · 09/03/2022 12:09

@KitKattaktik

Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them?

They're virtue signalling. Look how kind I am!!

Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

Nope. They do it for kudos and praise.

I do stuff all the time and don't put it on social media But now if I say what I do then people will say I'm doing it for likes so you can't win

I pay for people's coffee all the time at a drive through and then leave. I figure it makes people smile and if they pass it on to the person behind then that's even better. That's probably the thing I do most regularly
And emergency services - sweets/chocolate left on the car/van for them
Notes in library books or ones given to the charity shop

All of these I get nothing from apart from the hope it makes someone a little bit happier that day

Erinyes · 09/03/2022 12:13

Why does it 'leave a bad taste'? Are you looking for reasons to dismiss acts of kindness as self-publicising or done for SM 'likes' so you don't have to feel as though you should also be doing them?

But in general, I think it's a fair enough question, and more complex than 'Oh, X is just a kind person'. My mother, for instance, entirely unconsciously, surrounds herself by the ill, elderly, unfortunate and poor, for whom she can do things, in part so that she feels needed and lucky, because they're in a worse situation than her. She is repelled by people who are confident, successful and lucky.

Personally, I'm less about individual 'acts of kindness'. I think more in terms of what kind of contribution I would want to make to the world, what use I can put my skills and time to, and what kind of behaviour I would like to model for my child. So I have taught literacy in prisons, used to mentor teenage asylum seekers, and am also waiting for training to be a listener with the Samaritans. Very few people know I do any of these things, outside of the other people involved and DH, or close friends.

KitKattaktik · 09/03/2022 12:15

As you're doing it for the recipient's reaction, that's different. 😁

Doing things purely so you can put things on social media "I donated xyz to this charity today" is what I meant.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 09/03/2022 12:15

But now if I say what I do then people will say I'm doing it for likes so you can't win grin

Exactiy
Which is why I was going to in my pp then left out as you say can't win lol

TheVolturi · 09/03/2022 12:16

I personally like to help people and will often try to brighten someone's day by doing something kind. I would never mention it to anyone else though because I would be embarrassed.
I guess my motivation for doing it is purely to make someone happier than they were. If it does then that's enough for me.

LoganberryJam · 09/03/2022 12:18

Some people honestly, genuinely like helping others and it makes them feel good.

Miller2021 · 09/03/2022 12:20

I used to volunteer for a charity and it was interesting to talk to fellow volunteers about their motivations.

I think most of the volunteers were genuinely nice people who wanted to help or "give something back", to make a difference, but they each had a mixture of other reasons alongside this - kudos, something for their CV, to give themselves a purpose or routine, a way to make friends, wanting to get into heaven, etc etc... Which isn't to say that any of those reasons are cynical or selfish, but even if they were, there are far worse ways to be cynical or selfish.

Confusedteacher · 09/03/2022 12:28

Because it’s just nice- it makes you feel good.
At the start of the first lockdown I had recently gone through a really crappy time at work and my confidence was on the floor. I volunteered for a local charity dropping off meals for local vulnerable and elderly people. It was only 1-2 hours a week, but it genuinely gave me such pleasure to do a simple task that helped someone else. It also took me out of myself and my own issues. Chatting to the other volunteers was nice too.
Now that we’re back at work I don’t have as much time but I still visit one of the ladies I used to deliver to once a week, just for a chat. I enjoy it, and it’s nice to feel that I am doing something, however small. It’s too easy to feel powerless and helpless when you look at all the problems in the world.

DepthOfTheAbyss · 09/03/2022 12:29

Tbh it does make me feel happy if I can make someone else happy by doing a kind thing for them. I do it for people I care about and wouldn’t ever put it on social media.

Randommother · 09/03/2022 12:34

When I do things for other people, I don’t post about it on social media. My motivation is “if i / my child / my parent was in their situation, what would I want someone else to do?” So for example I wouldn’t pay for the next persons meal at a drive through (there’s no situation), but I would do something to help someone if I thought they needed it.

irishfarmer · 09/03/2022 12:36

I can say it on here because none of you know me. But I often do little things for family/ friends just because I know they would like it, e.g. sent my aunt a jigsaw during lock down I know she loves them and they were struggling financially at the time. Other things like that for people. Then give to charities/ the local food drives. A manager 'caught' me coming out of Tesco and giving a fair few bags of food to the food drive once and asked why am I doing it, you're a trainee and can't afford it, I told him they need it more. He told everyone in the office it was embarrassing.

The only thing I put on my FB would be when I give blood because I am hoping to encourage more people to give blood. Although I can't right now, I'm pregnant.

But yes, some people put stuff on SM to say 'look at me, look how fantastic I am'. Not exactly called someone out on something before but I enquired and they were not doing what they said at all.

Singlebutmarried · 09/03/2022 12:37

If I spot something I know a friend would love and it’s not a stupid price I’ll buy it and then just drop it on their doorstep.

I don’t post about it, it just makes me happy that they’re happy.

But I do think the amount of ‘I’ve got x y z to donate, where can I donate it to’ posts at the moment particularly on FB are bonkers.

Our town has more charity shops than any other type, so I find it hard to believe that the people in the town have to post quite so frequently about not knowing where to donate clothes etc.

DetailMouse · 09/03/2022 12:39

I firmly believe that human nature is such that no one ever does anything that they don't personally benefit from.

If someone does something "good" there will always be a payback for them. It might be that they get seen to be a helpful person and are likely to get helped in return, it could be to make a contact that will help them in future, it could be because they enjoy the attention of bringing in cakes, it could just be a warm fuzzy feeling, but there'll always be something. Which is fine and good.

ParkheadParadise · 09/03/2022 12:40

I volunteer for a charity that helped my mum when she had dementia.
It's a small charity and all the workers are volunteers. I am extremely lucky in that due to dh's business we were able to gift them money to help with running the club (no one knows this)
Every month I buy tea, coffee and biscuits and leave them in the kitchen.

I do it because I can afford to BUT more importantly, I do it because I will always be grateful to them for all the help they gave my family at a very difficult time and it's nice to give back.

Helenahandkart · 09/03/2022 12:44

I try to do things for other people because I think deep down I’m a horrible selfish person. By taking someone a bunch of flowers or giving them a lift or babysitting etc I feel less awful about myself. I’m also autistic and struggle a bit with what is appropriate, but I try to think about what I would want done for me in any given situation.
I’m often depressed and struggling with life, so if I think someone else might need help I try to give it because I know how it feels.

ThisBloodyNoiseInMyHead · 09/03/2022 12:45

I'll do anyone a good turn, if I can. I like doing nice things for people, when I'm able to. Not for some gratification, but because I genuinely care about other people. (I worked in the care sector for 20-odd years and loved it). A friend of mine does kind things for her family and friends - but she makes sure that everyone knows about it, by posting it on Facebook and bringing it into conversations - "Remember when I got you that thing when you weren't well" etc. It's not genuine if it has to be brodcast like that.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 09/03/2022 12:46

@Randommother

I sometimes pay the bus fare of people who board the bus and realize they can’t pay. I think I do it out of pity - I forgot my wallet once and I remember the feeling of helplessness (a kind person paid for me this day). I once shared my umbrella with a woman who was waiting for a bus under pouring rain. I wasn’t waiting for the bus myself but figured I could spare 5min and avoid her getting drenched. No motivation really, just wanting to help someone in a bad situation.

Confusedteacher · 09/03/2022 12:49

This is reminding me of that episode of friends when Joey says there is no selfless good deed and Phoebe tries to prove him wrong…

Onlyforcake · 09/03/2022 12:49

I work in care, i am the sort of person who puts others first, in ways that can actually harm me. I am autistic and I was raised in an abusive environment, then handed over to someone who really was considerate and kind. It was a revelation and I chose to emulate her at first. Over time acts of kindness became 'the point' to my exsitence. I don't see the point in not doing things for others. I'm not an outstanding or special human, I don't believe in God, I'm very conscious of the illusory concept of money or success, or an afterlife, I am quite a depressed person at times, cynical i suppose. BUT i know that I have made small differences to others, and that small fact means I haven't wasted my trips around the sun. There isn't much point to life, so I might as well enjoy what I enjoy, making someone's day just a smidge better is a good day for me. Possibly because of 'ow self image. But I'm ok with that.

FourChimneys · 09/03/2022 12:50

We had a bad patch about 20 years ago. Due to illness and accidents we needed a lot of help from people and we were very grateful. We now try to pay it back in as many ways as possible. Anyway, it's good to spread a bit of kindness when you can.

I would never put it on social media or tell anyone who didn't need to know though.

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