To wonder what the motivation is for ‘acts of kindness’

[Hailsafe]

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

I followed my DH's ambulance to hospital without any money, and a kind lady paid for my parking while our new NDN looked after our son until a friend could get there. Thank you to them all for being there and kind enough to help.

And one day at Tesco a woman with an adult Downs son was taking stuff out of her trolley to get the total down to what her bank card would pay -- so I paid for the stuff she had taken out and asked one of the floating around staff to follow her with it. But not for social media points.

Pay it forward.... for all the selfless acts of kindness that have been shown to me too along the years.

Kindness makes the world go round in its own way...

I don't know that I believe in karma - the idea that the energy you contribute to the universe will come back to you - but not long after the old-gentleman-to-the-hospital incident, I had to take my elderly mum to hospital in a hurry.

Going into the car park, I bumped the car in front and caused a small dent. I got out and said to the lady in the car, "I'm so sorry. Totally my fault. I wasn't concentrating. My mum's not well. Look, I'll give you my phone number..."

And she looked me up and down, assessed my mental state and said, "You know - there are more important things. Go and get your mum looked after."

Which I thought was very kind and rather touching.

One of the most rewarding things you can do in life is give.
Your missing out.

I set up a Kindness 'group' locally for the exact reason that people love to show off their acts of kindness and generosity and it's a really successful way to get volunteers/donations or whatever for charities/individuals in need of help.
I do post things on the group but also do a lot of things anonymously/secretly because really that's how I think it should be done.
But whatever works!

I would like to be kinder and more considerate. I’m not nasty but I could be kinder.

I have a friend who is just so kind and thoughtful. When I had a baby recently she dropped round a bag containing presents for the baby, a present for my toddler (a mess free water colouring book - so thoughtful), and lunch for me and my husband (including Brie and cured meats which she knows I love and had missed during pregnancy).

She also always remembers friends’ birthdays and sends flowers or other thoughtful gifts.

When she’s shopping she always keeps an eye out for things I might like and messages me with pictures of things asking if I want them.

She’s just the best and I aspire to be as kind as her - but I never seem to manage it.

You don’t have to ‘do something’ as an act of kindness. A smile and and hello can really make a difference to someone. There are people in the world who are lonely and who haven’t seen a face or spoke to anyone in weeks. You could be that one person who makes that difference to someone’s day just by saying hello

It depends on the person, some do it to feel good, some do it as they want praise, others do it to be kind.

I know I was raised to do things for others, purely for the sake of the person. Some of my earliest memories are with my grandparents who would have me doing things with them for others.

It’s nice when someone does something kind for you and it’s nice to be able to give others that feeling. Sometimes you can feel quite helpful when the world is so crap but you can do something to make someone’s day better

OP I'm like you. It doesn't come naturally to me to do random act of kindness type things and I do feel bad about it but then I also need to look out for my own family too.

It just wouldn't occur to me to pay for a strangers coffee - in fact I'd feel quite awkward about that in case it made things difficult on the till for the staff or something like that.

I've left my parking ticket with time left on it in the machine if that counts but otherwise I'm pretty shit tbh.

I get a huge rush from being kind, like to think back on what I've done too. I'm financially secure so can afford any financial help. self serving really.

the more good you do the worse you get treated. from my personal experience. i think you learn with age not to help everyone when there perception of your loyalty will always be met with suspision. its best to be a loner. no more acts of kindness from this lone ranger.

@bruce43mydog

the more good you do the worse you get treated. from my personal experience. i think you learn with age not to help everyone when there perception of your loyalty will always be met with suspision. its best to be a loner. no more acts of kindness from this lone ranger.

Indeed. Give up altruism and devote more time to spelling and punctuation. It's all upside for everyone.

I'm sure some people do it to tell the world how great they are. I don't. I just like to brighten someone's day and that can be as small a thing as thinking someone is looking really great in their outfit and then saying it instead of just thinking it. The world is pretty shit, it's everyone's job to make it better if they can.

From the other side of the divide I know I love it when people comment on my insane colourful laceup boots.

I never ever mention what I do in terms of kind acts. Entirely devalues it, IMO.

But I give and donate and volunteer (when time) and send random gifts or flowers to friends because I am tremendously lucky in so many ways that sometimes it doesn't seem fair. So I try to give back where and how I can, to make someone's life hopefully a little better, even if just for a moment.

This thread has inspired me to do a random act of kindness today.
I'll have to try to find something

@bruce43mydog

the more good you do the worse you get treated. from my personal experience. i think you learn with age not to help everyone when there perception of your loyalty will always be met with suspision. its best to be a loner. no more acts of kindness from this lone ranger.

Not my experience at all. Maybe your resentment is too obvious?

@pointythings

I'm sure some people do it to tell the world how great they are. I don't. I just like to brighten someone's day and that can be as small a thing as thinking someone is looking really great in their outfit and then saying it instead of just thinking it. The world is pretty shit, it's everyone's job to make it better if they can.

From the other side of the divide I know I love it when people comment on my insane colourful laceup boots.

They sound brilliant. I also compliment folks on great outfits and love it when mine are noticed! Visual pleasure for the win ☺️

@WalkingOnTheCracks
Ouch. That wasn't necessary.

I have had people be kind to me & my wider family & I try to help others in return

I agree that some things don't cost anything like a please, hello, thank you, but can make someone's day

I do stuff all the time that know one knows about. From little things like when you can add a charity donation when paying for stuff or popping a few bits of shopping in the food bank box as I'm passing. No one sees me do it but why wouldn't I do it if I can?

I'm also always giving lifts to strangers! It drives my DH mad! If it's raining/snowing and I see someone walking I'll stop and offer a lift!