To wonder what the motivation is for ‘acts of kindness’

[Hailsafe]

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

1. Nobody is “slightly autistic”. You’re autistic or you’re not.
2. Being inconsiderate and selfish is not an autistic trait.

Kindness can change a person’s life, a stage in their life or just a few moments of their day. I like adding spots of brightness and joy to people’s lives. I dunno, just nice to see them happy even if it’s a brief respite. Other people’s kindness has been a comfort in my life. It’s not even paying it forward. Just seems to be the right thing to do

This has been an interesting thread to read through. I volunteer with a charity that helps mothers with young children who are finding parenthood hard for whatever reason. I struggled with 2 young kids so always wanted to help out others in a similar position when mine were old enough. I don’t brag about it but it does make me feel good to help someone. I’ve started to think - what is life all about if you can’t give others even a little bit of kindness?

@Hailsafe

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

I do it even if people don't know. 1. It makes me feel good. 2. I know how fucking awful life can be, and if some small stupid thing I do can make someone's day better... Why not?

I do lots of things to help others and make their life easier. Many I don't even tell my own husband never mind anyone else. I definitely don't put anything on social media. At the end of the day if some people do do it for the glory then I personally ignore that and just think its a good thing that someone somewhere less fortunate is benefiting.

On the other hand, people sharing it on social media also raises awareness. Two things for Ukraine iv seen in the last week and done to help, I wouldnt even of considered doing. So in that sense its great.

God is this yet another thread slagging off people who try to do a bit of good.

I very rarely post anything on social media, never post holidays etc. I volunteered as a marshal at a covid vaccine site for the last year though. Day one, when it opened, I posted that I was volunteering there. I had never in my life been so happy to stand in a car park in my life, I wanted to tell the whole world. If that makes me a virtue signalling narcissistic, in your eyes, so what.

I just like the idea of being able to make someone happy if I can, and I know how much random acts of kindness have meant to me in the past on bad days.

I don’t use social media particularly so I don’t post about that sort of thing - I prefer people don’t know as I’d be embarrassed. The only exception would be something like a marathon for charity, because it’s not the actual marathon that helps the charity, it’s how much you are sponsored so that needs publicising.

I find I feel better about the world if other people feel better so I try and be a part of that where I can.

@12:44Helenahandkart

I try to do things for other people because I think deep down I’m a horrible selfish person. By taking someone a bunch of flowers or giving them a lift or babysitting etc I feel less awful about myself. I’m also autistic and struggle a bit with what is appropriate, but I try to think about what I would want done for me in any given situation.
I’m often depressed and struggling with life, so if I think someone else might need help I try to give it because I know how it feels.

You don't sound like a horrible selfish person at all.

Mylittlepixie

"I think it doesnt really matter what the motivation is. Whether someone does something anonymously or very openly expecting praise, the kind thing still improves someones life. If the kind person feels better about themselves from the praise/likes etc then good for them."

"More people should take this simple view. It's a good one."

Totally agree. If it makes the giver feel good then it's just double the benefit as far as I'm concerned. That's also human nature, we are designed to care for each other to ensure survival.

Doing kind things for other people is good for your mental health.

Anything that's means you spend less time thinking about yourself is good.

Sharing it on social media is only good if it is to highlight the cause and encourage others to do the same.

@Hailsafe

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

I try to help people at various times that are close to me, sometimes when you see them struggling or you just feel pity for them and want to help, with x situation.

For me my reasons are, some people have helped me, and I have achieved what I have with the assistance of others helping me, so I try to return the favour. And sometimes if I know someone is struggling I try to help, sometimes their ego prevents them from accepting but then others appreciate it.

Plus my other line of reasoning is , e.g. With bosses, I try to help and do extra when possible, because then in theory if I needed a favour hopefully they would be more flexible granting the request, I know this doesn't always automatically mean they can assist but at least I've made the effort on my part.

I just generally live by the principle “if everyone were like me, would the world be a nice place”
I try to act in a way that means that people’s lives are better for knowing me. Is it selfish? In a way- I guess I want to know that I serve a purpose in the world and make a difference. I like to feel consequential according to my own values.

If someone makes someones day better is it really so bad if they need some praise?

Surely everyone saying they dont boast on social media feels secure? So people boasting probably dont. Yes, people might pity the neediness of boasting but actually the doer doesnt even see that because they are so insecure.

So I think the good deed still puts good out there. The worst thing about it is the embarrassment and pity we fee for people who boast. And that's still better than the good deed not happening.

I do an RAOK every month, but I never talk about them

It makes me feel good, and hopefully people will feel encouraged to do something for someone else as the world is a rather shitty place at the moment

I buy meal deals for homeless women sometimes. They are so much more vulnerable than homeless men, both in hostels and on the streets. It makes me feel happy about myself. But I dont advertise it except here anonymously right now

@Mylittlepixie

I think it doesnt really matter what the motivation is. Whether someone does something anonymously or very openly expecting praise, the kind thing still improves someones life. If the kind person feels better about themselves from the praise/likes etc then good for them.

Yes and it's so much better than posting miserable crap and tearing apart others for doing something nice.

No brainer

Offline I help people as much as I can because I can.
Years ago I did it more publicly but found I was permanently drained with requests.
The world never runs out of people who are in need.
If people know you will give, you can never give enough & they will never stop asking.

It breaks my heart though to think that tonight someone who lives near me will go to bed genuinely hungry when I have food in my cupboard I could spare.

The people I help now never know my name or where I live & that's the way I like it.
This is the only site I ever even mention it on because nobody here knows me offline.

I've been watching Dave Ramsey lately & I really understand what he says when he talks about 'outrageous acts of generosity'.
If you have enough money for everything you need (by his definition I do not) then what else is there left to spend it on but helping others?

I actually feel my life is richer & better for the help I have given others even if they'll never know who I am.
These are things that make me feel good at the end of the day.
I can look myself in the mirror & not be ashamed of who I am even if I come across as horrible & most people hate me.
Every day I know I did a tiny something that made someones life a tiny bit better.

I am happy to know that children go to bed in decent bedding, or got birthday presents, or have a hot meal today, or that a stressed out single mum with no contact from her abusive ex & just preschool kids to try & raise on pennies gets a surprise box of chocolates on Mothers Day.

As a Christian, I also feel my life has been blessed with good luck because I try to be kind even though that is not why I started it.

I hope, one day when they are in a better position, some of the people I've helped might choose to help others who are in need too.

There was a film many years ago called Pay it Forward.
It probably wasn't as good as I remember it being, but the concept of paying acts of kindness forward stuck with me & shaped a large part of my life.

It doesn't matter if nobody else ever does 'pay it forward' though.
Being the person who does try to help when help is needed is enough for me.

I do nice things for people when I can. I occasionally send little gifts to my siblings or my adult children just because.... I bake for our delivery people/postmen/local street sweeper and put individually wrapped snacks and drinks in a box for them to help themselves. I found out a former colleague (and somebody I like) had covid and did some shopping for her. Apart from on here (and you don't know who I am) I don't advertise what I do - however I call it 'storing up pennies in heaven'. I am a bad Christian.... in that I think I believe but I have doubts about bits of it and I don't go to church much, but I suppose I am hedging my bets a bit and hope that my random acts of kindness will be a plus on my personal balance sheet when I eventually shuffle off this mortal coil.

@BigYellowTaxiT

Thank you for your kind words.

By ‘slightly’ I meant that I am on that spectrum but highly functioning. Sorry if that offended you.

And I never said I am inconsiderate or selfish. I said that it often doesn’t occur to me that I could help, or that I don’t really know what to do to help.

I have given to charity for Ukraine, I sponsor a child in Liberia, I have also given to the crisis in Yemen. I supported a friend with cancer by giving her boxes of goodies. No one knows about any of this.

I started this thread because recently a friend told me in conversation how she gave cakes to the teachers at our school. I didn’t know what to say - why was she telling me this?

The same day I saw a post on Facebook by someone who’d organised a cake sale for Ukraine. They posted the thank you email from the charity. Again, why? It’s just made me question people’s motives.

[quote Hailsafe]@BigYellowTaxiT

Thank you for your kind words.

By ‘slightly’ I meant that I am on that spectrum but highly functioning. Sorry if that offended you.

And I never said I am inconsiderate or selfish. I said that it often doesn’t occur to me that I could help, or that I don’t really know what to do to help.

I have given to charity for Ukraine, I sponsor a child in Liberia, I have also given to the crisis in Yemen. I supported a friend with cancer by giving her boxes of goodies. No one knows about any of this.

I started this thread because recently a friend told me in conversation how she gave cakes to the teachers at our school. I didn’t know what to say - why was she telling me this?

The same day I saw a post on Facebook by someone who’d organised a cake sale for Ukraine. They posted the thank you email from the charity. Again, why? It’s just made me question people’s motives.[/quote]
What you are really asking is what motivates people to advertise their good deeds. It's called PR.

@Hailsafe

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

OP. I am autistic. There is no such thing as "slightly autistic" and the myth that autistic people aren't empathetic has been thoroughly debunked. So for a start please stop insulting some of the kindest, most caring people I know by implying that their actual, diagnosed disability is the reason that you are unkind, when you are prepared to describe yourself as "slightly autistic". 

I have a horrible mother. If anything that has made me more kind.

Maybe you should look at the things that make you feel fulfilled in life, many people get joy from helping others. From friendships (including - newsflash - lots of autistic people!!!).

Are you having a very hard time coping with your own issues so have no mental or emotional space to care about others? That sounds much more like trauma than autism, if so. Is there another reason why you don't understand this joy of helping other people?

There is a great programme on Radio 4 called "Thank you" which is about kind things people have done for no personal benefit. So moving. The impact kindness has for the other person is enough reason that people do it.

Oh and I meant to say, none of the kind people I know ever post about what they're doing on social media. 🤨🙄🤔

That would sort of negate the purpose, which is that the kind act is about the other person, not about the person doing it.

I think maybe you are misinterpreting virtue signalling idiots who want some kind of validation as being kind people? That's not real kindness.

[quote Hailsafe]@BigYellowTaxiT

Thank you for your kind words.

By ‘slightly’ I meant that I am on that spectrum but highly functioning. Sorry if that offended you.

And I never said I am inconsiderate or selfish. I said that it often doesn’t occur to me that I could help, or that I don’t really know what to do to help.

I have given to charity for Ukraine, I sponsor a child in Liberia, I have also given to the crisis in Yemen. I supported a friend with cancer by giving her boxes of goodies. No one knows about any of this.

I started this thread because recently a friend told me in conversation how she gave cakes to the teachers at our school. I didn’t know what to say - why was she telling me this?

The same day I saw a post on Facebook by someone who’d organised a cake sale for Ukraine. They posted the thank you email from the charity. Again, why? It’s just made me question people’s motives.[/quote]
This seems an odd comment given that you're either diagnosed as autistic, or not. The autistic spectrum is about the proportionate presentation of the specific features of autism within one person's profile. You can be in different places on the autistic spectrum - which is actually spikey, not a linear thing - but only if you are autistic in the first place.

You may well be. But based on your comments I highly doubt it because you have made some massively ignorant and factually wrong comments/ insinuations about autistic people (e.g. that they lack empathy) and then described yourself as "high functioning" which is never given as a diagnosis because that's just so, so offensive and totally misrepresents how a person experiences autism as being all about how other people experience the effects of it on their behaviour.

Please either seek diagnosis properly and learn about it or stop spreading harmful stereotypes.

I do hope you find a way through that, and your other problems.