To wonder what the motivation is for ‘acts of kindness’

[Hailsafe]

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

I saw a post on sm earlier where a man was describing an act of kindness he did today. Apparently the recipients were so grateful for their coffee and cake that they chased him through town to thank him. The story was told in lip-smacking embellishment.

With me it is often that I see someone struggling and it is a simple thing for me to help.

In the days when I could do my own shopping I have given the odd person a lift home from the supermarket, just because could see they were struggling.

I have a car with just me in it, I could see the lady at the next checkout distributing things to her 3 small children to help her carry them so asked how far she was going.

I've never been the woman with three small children walking home from the supermarket but I can imagine it and that a lift would make her life a little easier and it didn't cost me anything,

Anyone who has to advertise what they do are doing it for Arte toon and selfish reasons- look at my benevolence. Although some people argue they advertise it to encourage others. But it really seems more for the Pat on the back to me.

I can sort of see where you're coming from OP but it's a strange way to think, really.

Yes, we do get some kind of personal reward for doing good things - it makes us feel good. Even giving money to charity that no one knows about makes us feel like we're doing some good.

Does that mean we shouldn't do it though?

Of course not!

If you want to do more "acts of kindness" then just start small. Think of one single thing you could do and see how you go. Everyone can do something. Don't get so fixated on whether you get any benefit from it or not, that's really neither here nor there, you're still doing something good.

I just think I'd be happy if someone did that for me. And friends/colleagues do do randomly nice things for me, so it feels like a connection with them. Lastly, the more we do nice stuff like say - a colleague bringing in a box of apples from a tree in their garden and telling other people to help themselves, the more the people who hadn't previously felt that was ok do it too. The culture of niceness grows.

But also there is a massive upside of buying people small gifts they would really like as or when you find them. Takes the pressure off birthdays and Christmas.

What kind of mean sod says that people being kind leaves a nasty taste in their mouth?!?

I like to pay it forward. There's been people who've helped me when I've needed it. I do little things like paying for someone's meds at the chemist when their card is declined, toy cars in a charity shop for a little boy, that sort of thing. It does make me feel good.

This is a nice thread. I would like to be a kinder person. I'm nice to people and not mean but I think I can be thoughtless and uncharitable at times.

My son and his friend were stranded in a neighbouring town after the event they were supposed to attend got cancelled last minute and all the public transport home was cancelled (bad weather) and their phones died! A nice lady bought them a drink and sandwiches and got a local shopkeeper to let them charge their phones so they could call home. I need to pay that forward.

I like to donate £5-£10 to charity per month and did have a standing order with a charity that no one knew about. In addition to that I had friends doing fund raising events so couldn't afford both in the end. Standing order has now stopped but I quite like supporting friends that are raising money for charity and I don't think a month has gone by where there hasn't been one or two people to support.

They obviously know I've donated but it doesn't get shared further than that. It helps them and genuinely makes me feel good too.

If I there's wanted to share and shout from the rooftops they've done the same thing I would not blink twice, each to their own and good job, may encourage others to do the same.

@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ

What kind of mean sod says that people being kind leaves a nasty taste in their mouth?!?

Yea it's a new level of meanness

I don't ever post when I do stuff like this and many of my friends don't.

I just like knowing I've cheered someone up as I know when others have done it for me it's made me feel better.

Perhaps not having a mum who taught you that feeling is the reason?

But also a) what is slightly autistic? You either are or aren't and b) my diagnosed autistic ds would also do stuff for others to make them feel good - he's extremely empathetic.

I try to be kind to make my part of the world a little nicer. I will offer help where possible. If everyone did this the world would be a better place.
I don't post it social media though, I prefer to keep it quiet.

It makes the giver feel good. Whether that's because of praise or feeling superior or just enjoying helping others.

Putting it on social media winds me up, but at least they're doing it.

I like to be nice, makes me feel good. Because I'm "a nice person" I don't always know what I'm doing is "an act of kindness" because it used to be known as just looking out for others.

Someone is a quid short at the checkout, "here's a quid". Elderly folk lonely during covid, have a chat through the window while walking the dog. Pick up a prescription, I'm going near the pharmacy anyhow. Fallen in the street " I'll take you home, do you need me to call someone". Go to the school fete even though the kids are long past that stage and volunteer to litter pick.

I feel a lot better if my go to is "what can I do to help?" in random situations ... instead of "what now?" So it is selfish I guess.

If you’re concerned that you’re not yet cynical enough about virtue signallers, watch the Friends episode The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS. You will doubt the selflessness of good deeds forever!

@Lalliella

Actually, I'd rather not. I'd rather go through life thinking most people in the world are lovely and kind (and I am constantly proven CORRECT on this) than think they're all self centered virtues signalling. You choose your own view though.

I have far more money than I need, through luck rather than any particular virtue of mine. I give a fair bit of my money away. I'd rather pay more taxes but as I can't, I pay for people I know and admire, to have private operations when the NHS route is a matter of years. I support some charities quite significantly. I part fund a local sports facilitiy that I use that gives huge joy to poor people.

I do this because I've been lucky all my life and because money is there to provide choice and my choices are to "buy" for good rather than solely for myself. I don't post about it ever. Other than here now.

I think it's a bit of a circular argument to say that people only perform acts of kindness to make themselves feel good so it's not really altruistic. Surely only a genuinely kind person feels good after doing something nice for someone else?

It just comes naturally to me. I find if I treat others how I would like to be treated I get treated how I want to be treated back 99 percent of the time. Obviously in life you will get cos and users who try to take advantage but it's a minority xx

I’ve had problems with depression and low self esteem and I know how very vulnerable you can be to a small unkindness, how little it takes to push you over the edge.

I’ve also had the experience of people doing a small kindness for me that stayed with me - one that springs to mind is being utterly exhausted with my toddler and baby in tow and buying myself lunch out because I hadn’t the energy to cook, and the manager stepping out to carry my tray because I had my hands full. It was a tiny thing but I was so low that day and it was a ray of sunshine.

I find some of the random acts people describe a bit - I don’t know - they don’t quite sit right. But if I can smile at someone, take a few minutes to char, be a slightly bright spot in someone’s day, or show a bit of kindness I will. I think that we can inadvertently cause unhappiness without knowing it so I try to offset that. I guess it’s like a carbon footprint.

But I would feel uncomfortable with overt gestures or free cakes/flowers/coffee. Maybe this is daft but I think it disrupts the balance and leaves people in a sort of psychic debt.

I have quite low self esteem, and have struggled with my mental health all my life and especially the last couple of years. I frequently do random acts of kindness, always anonymous, and volunteer weekly (obviously not anonymous).
The biggest pay off in my life for this is that it makes me feel like i have a use, like I am a positive influence on the world and I can justify my own existence to myself a bit more that way. Sometimes you get to see the smile on someones face that you have put there when they don't know it was you and its just magic.

Link to interesting article from Mind charity and an extract related to this topic;

https://www.mindcharity.co.uk/wellbeing-article/giving-5-ways-wellbeing/

Giving is the act of freely parting with something and offering it to someone or something beyond ourselves- a stranger, friend, family member, a charitable organisation, our local community or our wider community. It can involve parting with material things like money and gifts, or immaterial things like our time, skills, knowledge, enthusiasm, passion and kindness. In practice, giving can look like a number of things – it could mean supporting a friend with a problem, donating clothes or unused items to a charity, volunteering your time for a cause you care about, or simply making an effort to make more time for the people that you care about.
The benefits that giving makes to our mental health and our sense of wellbeing are numerous. As discussed in our article on Connecting (5 Ways to Wellbeing)g)*_, feeling part of something and connected to the world around us is important for our sense of wellbeing. As social creatures, we benefit from engaging with other people on a meaningful level. When we give to others; this promotes a sense of trust and cooperation in our relationships. Through this, we strengthen our relationships with others making them more positive, which is key to good mental health. When we give to others, we don’t only make them feel closer to us; we also feel closer to them. Through cultivating gratitude in everyday life, by showing the people around us that we care, we increase our own positivity about the world and those around us.
At a more scientific level, a number of studies have shown that Giving has an in-built effect on our moods. Evidence from neuroscience suggests that giving activates the ‘reward’ area of our brains, meaning that we intrinsically experience good feelings when we give to others. What’s more, giving is contagious. When we give to others, this has a knock-on effect – the people who are given to are more likely to act kindly and give to others as a result, promoting happiness and improving our wellbeing [2].
Giving doesn’t just provide benefits to our relationships or provides us with immediate psychological rewards to our moods. Giving can really help us gain a healthier perspective about the world around us. Giving to others helps us think about other people and takes our thoughts away from our own concerns to see the ‘bigger picture’.

Kindness is a trait trust attracts people to each other. It is the most popular trait in a partner l think.

Biology must have some part to play in this.

A rather flustered old gentleman came up to my daughter and I as we were heading back to the car. He said, "Do you know where I can get the XXX bus?"

"I'm afraid I don't - sorry."

"Oh, I have to get to St Elsewhere Hospital. Apparently I have to get the XXX bus..."

"Ah, I know where the hospital is. It's only ten minutes. Would it help if we drove you there?"

"Really? That would be so nice..."

So, why did I do that? Because very little effort on my part solved a problem for the old gentleman. That's all. I think that that's a good way to conduct one's life.

Though now of course I've told you what I did, so you might say that I did it in order to tell people how nice I am.

Which means that it's quite difficult to give examples of everyday altruism without undermining the suggestion that altruism is what it was.