To wonder what the motivation is for ‘acts of kindness’

[Hailsafe]

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

YANBU, genuine acts of kindness are done without the expectation of anything in return, but when people are posting it on social media its no longer selfless. I saw a video the other day on social media of a woman who took a strangers' children out of Ukraine. She then filmed the reunion with the mother outside Ukraine and posted it. Taking the children out was a great act of kindness, but videoing them was a huge intrusion of their privacy, and in poor taste.

I do also volunteer work visiting lonely people. I must admit I get more positive feelings from doing care for free than I do from being paid. I think most people look down on the work I do, but i don't really care about that. It amuses me when people wonder why an ex teacher does my line of work. Yet i can think of so many reasons to prefer giving someone 1:1 time, getting to know them etc.

@DetailMouse

I firmly believe that human nature is such that no one ever does anything that they don't personally benefit from.

If someone does something "good" there will always be a payback for them. It might be that they get seen to be a helpful person and are likely to get helped in return, it could be to make a contact that will help them in future, it could be because they enjoy the attention of bringing in cakes, it could just be a warm fuzzy feeling, but there'll always be something. Which is fine and good.

I think that's quite cynical. I can assure you that teaching in a prison didn't give me a lot of the warm fuzzies it could be quite unnerving at times didn't give me a leg up professionally (I already had a tenured academic job). I did it because books and being able to read got me out of a very impoverished childhood, and there are a lot of people who struggle with literacy in prison. And absolutely there were times when it felt rewarding, but in the same way teaching of any kind is sometimes rewarding.

There is a psychological theory that there is no such thing as true altruism, because of the benefit to the doer, even if it's just the joy of seeing someone else pleased.

So yes, it's always good to help other people and the less bragging the better, but everyone is doing it to make themselves feel good, to some extent!

It's a reminder to women that whatever they do it isn't enough!

I post on social media when I give blood. Because I was jolted back into regularly donating by seeing a friends post. I want to normalise it and encourage more people to.
I imagine people who share their charity acts think the same.

&I think that's quite cynical. I can assure you that teaching in a prison didn't give me a lot of the warm fuzzies it could be quite unnerving at times didn't give me a leg up professionally (I already had a tenured academic job). I did it because books and being able to read got me out of a very impoverished childhood, and there are a lot of people who struggle with literacy in prison. And absolutely there were times when it felt rewarding, but in the same way teaching of any kind is sometimes rewarding.*

Yes, absolutely, that's my point. There are lots of reasons people do things, but there is always a reason and it's never only for the good of others.

Everything everyone chooses to do is in persuit of their own happiness or benefit at some level, its how we're made. There's far worse ways to feel good than by doing an act of kindness. It only becomes a problem if there's an expectation of reciprocation that the receiver isn't happy with.

I had a nasty, vindictive bully for a mother and was never shown these things either. However, I have always been naturally empathetic. As a young child I would step in to protect my younger siblings and remember cuddling my 4 year old brother for ages as he sobbed and asked why his mum hated him. It broke my heart.
I guess years ago part of my motivation for being kind and polite was cos I didn’t want to be like my mother, and also I felt bad for those people she shouted at and abused (eg shop assistants, strangers, neighbours, relatives). But then as time went on it just became natural to treat others with care and consideration. I believe in seeing the good in other people and try to reflect those values with my own actions.

But if you do an act of kindness that is unwitnessed and unappreciated? The warm fuzzies of knowing you have done the right thing would need to be a powerful motivation. If you were doing a cynical cost benefit analysis you probably wouldn’t put yourself out just so you could pat yourself on the back.

I disagree that it's always selfish. I like to do nice things for people but I feel embarrassed by their reactions so maybe leave a large tip for someone but quickly leave before they find it. I think it's because Ive struggled in the past and I know how much peoples kindness has helped me.

I do it to make other people feel better.

I used to be a secondary school teacher. My ethos was always to be as kind as possible to students, because some teachers forget that children are human too. They rewarded me over and over again. I wasn’t looking for rewards, l just wanted them to feel happy.

Being kind to others makes yourself feel good. It's a form of self care. GIVING.

A colleague bought some coffee pods in for me as a present once after I'd been moaning about a delayed delivery or wait for pay day, can't remember the details.

What I do remember is how happy I was! Not only that I'd got my coffee fix but that I'd be heard and thought of. Since then I will often pick up a bunch of £1 daffs, Primark scented candle, chocolate bar fro colleagues and friends.

So for me it's noticing how lovely it feels and wanting others to feel the same.

They're virtue signalling. Look how kind I am!!
Nope. They do it for kudos and praise.

you sound very bitter.

If it helps, OP, there are whole reams of philosophical discussion about whether there are any truly altruistic acts. And in the end i often think "nope, not truly altruistic" for the simple reason that even if someone does something for someone (holds open a door, helps someone with a pushchair off the bus, pays forward a coffee) no matter how much the person who is helped feels grateful, and no matter how little skin off the nose comes off the helper, there is always at least the tiniest glow of satisfaction in the helper of having helped someone.

And that little glow, no matter how small, and no matter how little out of their way that person had to go, makes the act something that gave them pleasure and is therefore not altruistic.

Basically i think philosophers can have at it as much as they like if that's what pleases them. Humans are social animals, small and large acts of kindness and help are the glue that keeps us together.

@Etinoxaurus

A colleague bought some coffee pods in for me as a present once after I'd been moaning about a delayed delivery or wait for pay day, can't remember the details.

What I do remember is how happy I was! Not only that I'd got my coffee fix but that I'd be heard and thought of. Since then I will often pick up a bunch of £1 daffs, Primark scented candle, chocolate bar fro colleagues and friends.

So for me it's noticing how lovely it feels and wanting others to feel the same.

Yeah exactly that. It's stuff like noticing my boss always uses a notepad, so I got him a new one with a funny slogan on it A guy sent me flowers before our first date last week and made me cry because I've never been sent them before and he had made the effort to choose ones not poisonous to cats as well

What I have done recently and it DOESN'T go on to social media:

Sent a box of useful stuff for a fellow parent who's in hospital for 1-2 weeks.
Sent a beautiful mug and some coffee to a friend who is having a hard time.
Donated £250 to a charitable cause.
Offered someone an hour of free of charge consultancy as they needed help in my field of work.
Took a long and very late night call from a friends daughter who is struggling with MH.

Why? - because I like the charity and they're struggling, and the other things will benefit the individual and a random act of kindness will make them smile.

I was paying for parking, on my way to an emergency vet appt, when lady asked me if I could change a note so she could pay. I didn't have enough to change the whole note, but I had enough to pay for a ticket for her too so I did.
I would do that for anyone if I had the change, but I have to confess I was hoping for a bit of good luck to follow me to the vet's, in this instance (it didn't :( ).

I personally am a bit of a helper, I just like helping people. Its partly engrained - I think first about what I can do to make this situation better and second or in hindsight about the impact on me of helping.

I think it was partly my upbringing as we were made to volunteer st school and I remember helping a child with physical disabilities to have a sensory play session and feeling this empathy with them and what it must be like to be their parent, you 100% have to be present with them, which takes you out of yourself which can be good.

It is probably a survival strategy in some way as well.

I am very kind - do a lot of kind things and work full time for a charity as well as volunteering for 3 other charities
I don’t shout about it on social media or anywhere

Being responsible is more important than being kind. Its because so many people are irresponsible, only caring about ‘rights’, that others have to pick up the slack with kindness.

Pre-COVID I would often take snacks into work according to people's likes or special occasions. I try to remember birthdays and to send people a message or card or little gift depending on how close we are. I try to make new neighbours in the building feel welcome, to help people at the bus stop etc. who are lost or have questions, and to ensure that new people are welcomed at work. Why? I don't know. I just think, if I can help, why wouldn't I?

I have never posted it on social media.

There’s a difference between empathy and sympathy (which empathy can be taught but most people sit at sympathy).

If you see a homeless man sitting wanting change. Most people will walk on by thinking ‘god there’s a homeless problem or everyone should have shelter’.

To have empathy is to feel/relate to how that person is feeling - to see them as an individual not just another number.

A couple of years ago I was going thru hell in my personal life, I lost family members who were close, I lost my job, had caring responsibilities, shitty relationship etc etc. people reached out with ‘support’ if I need anything to just ask especially on FB.

Somebody who was the biggest help was my friend with autism. I turned up to her house, exhausted, emotional and generally looking/feeling like crap.

She told me to go take a bath, she ran me a bubble bath, got me out a clean dressing gown, razor and gave me all the toiletries.

Got out of the bath, she put a face mask on me with a steamed flannel, I laid back and she painted my toes, waxed my face and gave me a facial. We spoke about my problems and then chatted about ‘normal things’.

I left that house feeling 100x better. I had felt exhausted for months and completely neglected myself. I got to the point where I didn’t even feel human but a robot.

A lot of other people would just say ‘me too’ when I said I felt like crap or ‘thinking of you’.

She offered me help that I needed, or at the time, I didn’t know that I needed. All the flowers/gifts/visits/phone calls and sympathy cards didn’t start to cut the surface.

Anyone who posts on SM of their ‘good deeds’ aren’t doing good deals. They’re doing it for the feel good factor of ‘being a good person’. You can donate anonymously, you can help others silently, you can volunteer without boasting about it.

I’m disgusted when I see people making videos on how they’ve helped the homeless. These people are real people, and having their picture posted for the world to see is dehumanising.

I do things because I can and it feels good to have done some good.

I’m an almost believer of karma. Doing good could come back to me somehow - but if it doesn’t then at least I’ve done some good
If something good happens to me then I feel more of an urge to pass on some goodness

Under lockdown I was easily able to continue working remotely, so I was in the good position of having my full income and saving both time and money by not commuting.
I do minor ‘caring’ anyway, and I was still doing shopping, getting prescriptions etc (in doing so so during lockdown I also benefitted with being able to go out with good reason) so it was no extra effort to shop & collect for other friends & family at the same time, and also go into a local private ‘community volunteer’ group to do the odd deed for others as well

I like to do things that make people smile as it genuinely makes me feel good. But like that iconic "friends" episode explains... that's also not a selfless good deed as I get the benefit of feeling good too.

It's cynical to think people do just for kudos, that's not true of everyone, just a handful of idiots