To wonder what the motivation is for ‘acts of kindness’

[Hailsafe]

I struggle to be a considerate person and have always felt other people ‘get it right’ more than I do when it comes to doing kind things for people. I had quite a selfish mother and I was never taught to do nice things for others (not an excuse, just an explanation). I try my best but I am slightly autistic and often it just doesn’t cross my mind or I feel hugely awkward about it. I often berate myself for this.

On the other hand, I know a few people who do a lot of ‘acts of kindness’ - bringing in cakes for the teachers, taking someone flowers if they’re down, raising money for charity etc. But I have to say it often leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often they tell me about what they’ve done, or put it on social media, and I start to wonder, what drives them? Would they do it if they knew no one would ever know?

So: Do you think IABU to think some of it isn’t well intentioned or am I just an old misery guts?

Not sure about posting on social media etc, but random acts of kindness can be good for your mental health. When you feel down and powerless about your own life, it can sometimes be easier to do something small to make a difference to someone else's life.

My parents used to take an elderly relative out for tea. It was awful and stressful for them to do so as she was always miserable and complaining and difficult. I never understood why they put themselves through it. She was a great aunt, so not a close relative. When she died, I was quite relieved for them.

I do things like this because I can. I was raised in a home where I was taught that if you can (within reason), you should. So I do.

I do it because I can remember times in my life when I have been really low and had no one to help me.
I would hate to think someone felt like that and I could have made them feel better or helped in anyway. If someone is going through a rough patch I'm always there for them no matter how well I know them.

Some peopke are just naturally kind, others will attatch conditions to it, such as look at me, aren' t l a good.person to make themselves feel better.
Self.kindness is important , if your at.peace with yourself,.your at peace with others. This forum would have a totally different vibe if more women.on here practised self kindness.

Oh and I think people should post on social media to encourage people to help to or give them ideas of ways to Help!

It is what used to be called “being neighbourly”? Then with the a great number commuting to work it became “random acts of kindness” with the ideas being shared then sadly being boasted about. However if someone benefits and the boaster benefits from being acknowledged by more than the receiver then maybe it’s no biggie. For myself I was brought up with the idea of trying to be/being a decent person, like a previous poster has already said.

Doing nice things for people doesn't have to be broadcasted all over social media. I do nice things and I don't need recognition for it whether it be donating to charity, helping someone with their bags or buying some food for a homeless person.

Don't worry about what others are doing, just do what you can.

I do things to improve people's quality of life all the time, paying forward is not my forte as I rarely buy coffee but I have paid £10 for a gift card towards next person's shopping a fair few times. I might message a FB admin to say 'can I pay xx solicitor bill anonymously , as I know she'll struggle' or 'can I send you ££ for this item to forward to yy as I know she needs one', but I'd NEVER post about it or let xx know it was me.

Just because some people need to advertise their good deeds does not mean all acts of kindness are for show. It just means that some people need an audience. Zillions more do kind things without any need for recognition. There are so many people who volunteer, who help neighbours, family, friend and so on simply because they care. The value of life is in the strength of relationships and relationships are strengthened by goodwill. It's a normal human reaction to want to be connected to others and it is educated behaviour to be considerate of others, and to acknowledge our own privilege, to use this for the greater good. Less prevalent in Western society and directly linked to mental well-being.

I don't really consciously think about the kind things I do - I think its just part of how I was raised, that my family were the type to look after others and it just rubbed off. At most the thought is that I want to live in a world where people look after each other so I act like that.

On occasion I will post on a local Facebook page asking for specific items for women who have escaped violence and the response is always very touching. And there are always private messages from people offering money, vouchers and so on who do not seek any recognition at all. Lots of beautiful people out there who genuinely try to make a positive difference.

Sounds like you weren’t brought up right to me.
I’m ‘kind’ because I feel good when I help other people. Because I hate to see others struggle when I can help. I often don’t tell anyone about it, and I don’t expect thanks. The act itself is satisfying enough.
It makes me feel like part of a community. And I was brought up
In a community where we didn’t have much ££ but people swapped skills. So my dad the plumber would help out neighbours, in return they would help my mum paint the hse, or fix the car.
My mum, good with numbers, would help with VAT stuff and in return the woman at the shop kept an eye on us after school.
I think if you’re brought up like this it’s ingrained in you.

I volunteer with kids because I love kids, not because I want someone to tell me how good I am. I help out with a sports team because otherwise it wouldn’t run and my kids would miss out, I took in an extra job at work for someone off I’ll cos I know if unneeded it she would do the same.
Maybe it is all self serving in a way…

I think it doesnt really matter what the motivation is. Whether someone does something anonymously or very openly expecting praise, the kind thing still improves someones life. If the kind person feels better about themselves from the praise/likes etc then good for them.

@Mylittlepixie

I think it doesnt really matter what the motivation is. Whether someone does something anonymously or very openly expecting praise, the kind thing still improves someones life. If the kind person feels better about themselves from the praise/likes etc then good for them.

More people should take this simple view. It's a good one.

I work for a charity. We do have people who do things anonymously or very quietly for others pretty regularly.
But I agree that performative giving probably is seeking affirmation. Is that a problem though? If it was a nice thing for the people who received it (not always a given!) then I’m fine with it. It’s when someone does something that actually isn’t helping another person (like giving dirty clothes or something) that I would have an issue.

my dad is a very mean man, very tight with money, would never do anything for others unless there was something in it for himself. But he expects other people to do things for him. He is the most selfish and entitled person I've ever met. So I was also brought up with way.
I must admit I do stuggle to do acts of kindness, especially if it involves a financial cost. I think this is also because nobody has ever done anything for me ever. So I feel bitter and selfish I suppose.
I have huge respect for people who are so generous and wish very much I was like that

I firmly believe that human nature is such that no one ever does anything that they don't personally benefit from.

I think that calling the warm fuzzy feeling a non-altruistic benefit is pushing it tbh. I don't think that enjoying doing good means it's not altruistic. The enjoyment is often a by-product rather than a deliberate purpose imo.

I guess my acts of Kindness would be regular donations to the food bank (every couple of weeks i'll pull their list off the website and go round asda once i've done my foodshop and buy about £15 worth of stuff)

For me we didn't grow up with much and i know how hard it is to rely on the foodbank..I'm thankfully in a much better position but I like to donate to them because I know how much people rely on them.

I never post on social media just tell my partner when I get home. As soon as you put it on social media it takes away the reasons why you did it in the first place imo and becomes more about other people validating you..

MyLittlePixie is right. A kind thing is a kind thing. The more people doing kind things, whatever their motivation, the more pleasant life is.

I pick up other dog’s shit (as well my dog’s shit) on dog walks. I give myself permission to have an inner rant about selfish dog owners while I do it, so that’s my pay off

Does it matter?

You've just made the world a slightly better place. Why does it matter if you also get to benefit from the 'better'.

I have a very unusual skill set and experience which enables me to help people in a very specific set of circumstances, which they would usually like to keep private. I don’t tell anyone about it, people come to me by word of mouth and I never charge. I do it because I can, and I like to help, it makes me feel like I’m giving something back to the world.

My mother, an atomic narcissist, got wind of this via a friend who was singing my praises, and cannot conceive of why I won’t tell anyone, and won’t allow her to either. For her, if there’s no external praise, it’s worthless.

@Confusedteacher

This is reminding me of that episode of friends when Joey says there is no selfless good deed and Phoebe tries to prove him wrong…

I came here to post this.

I absolutely love doing acts of kindness and I don't post it on social media or expect anyone to sing my praises.