Page 9 | Sister Guilt and inheritance

AnnesBrokenSlate · 09/03/2022 15:44

You have a wonderful husband who lets you do whatever you like. However, this is where you decide to consider him ... it wasn't when you could have gone back to work after the DCs ... it wasn't when you wanted a house that was bigger and more expensive .... No, it's the point where you're cutting a step-sibling out of an inheritance. Funny that.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/03/2022 15:45

I also agree with @Zilla1.

I feel really sorry for your sister. She's lost three people she loved, and been shown that despite her upbringing, she was never really considered family at all by anyone other than her mum.

I honestly just can't imagine a situation like this arising in my own family, although granted we're full sibs not half. But I'd be so upset if my parents didn't leave us equal shares and then the sib that got the most then decided they wouldn't share because it would upset their partner.

PS - many, many families (including ours) have only one parent shouldering the financial burden - I really don't think this is something a person should be getting some sort of hero status for . OP's husband wouldn't have done that if they couldn't afford it, let's be real here. It is selfish to not want a penny to go to the other sibling when it's clear that is not what her own mother would have wanted.

TolkiensFallow · 09/03/2022 15:47

I think you need to discuss this with your husband.

BambinaJAS · 09/03/2022 15:47

@whumpthereitis

It sounds like your husband has, without complaint, shouldered the entire financial burden of a bigger house and supporting you when you (unilaterally) decided to be stay at home mother with three children. I can absolutely see why that now, when you have money that would ease the load significantly, he would not want you to give it away. I don’t think that makes him selfish.

I can also see why you feel terrible about it. It’s a difficult one but I do think that you should, on balance, prioritize your immediate family of husband and children.

This x 100

Sounds like the OP has put massive financial pressure on the husband for years.

Also sounds like OP has no real concept of how difficult this must have been for him.

To me, your view sounds remarkably tone deaf to your husbands feelings on the matter.

I would prioritise him and family first.

The "middle of the road" scenario here is coming to a joint decision that gives the half sibling a smaller portion of the inherited sum.

Bellringer · 09/03/2022 15:51

@Saraclara you can protect funds with a trust, not just for very wealthy people, get legal advice

jeannie46 · 09/03/2022 15:54

Some of my aunts and uncles inherited money from a relation but one aunt was left out.

When the boys found out about the will, it caused some shaking of heads even hilarity, but all of them agreed to redivide the loot without telling and upsetting her.

This is what moral people do.

ToryRussians · 09/03/2022 15:59

What was your DG thinking?? This situation was very obviously going to cause issues between the two of you.

You are being very hard on yourself…

Very hard on your sister’s relationship issues (which have absolutely nothing to do with anything …)

I couldn’t live with the guilt personally.

Your DH needs to take a step back whilst you consider the appropriate course of action.

Put yourself in HER shoes. How would you feel if it were the other way around?

saraclara · 09/03/2022 16:01

Sounds like the OP has put massive financial pressure on the husband for years.

Also sounds like OP has no real concept of how difficult this must have been for him.

My husband enabled me to be a sahm for a few years too. It was a joint decision and I don't think he found it 'difficult' at all. Money was extremely tight and I spent a lot of time trying to make the budget stretch, but he was happy with the arrangement and I am 100% sure that he didn't feel owed by me in any way. I also know that in OP's situation, he'd have been horrified at the fathers actions and the imbalance caused. He'd encourage splitting it, not threaten to leave me over it.

BambinaJAS · 09/03/2022 16:05

@saraclara

Sounds like the OP has put massive financial pressure on the husband for years.

Also sounds like OP has no real concept of how difficult this must have been for him.

My husband enabled me to be a sahm for a few years too. It was a joint decision and I don't think he found it 'difficult' at all. Money was extremely tight and I spent a lot of time trying to make the budget stretch, but he was happy with the arrangement and I am 100% sure that he didn't feel owed by me in any way. I also know that in OP's situation, he'd have been horrified at the fathers actions and the imbalance caused. He'd encourage splitting it, not threaten to leave me over it.

Go back and re-read OP summary.

Becoming SAHM was not a joint decision by any means. It is clear from her summary that she forced the issue.

That type of unilateral decision pretty much always results in problems later on.

NightOwl6 · 09/03/2022 16:09

@whumpthereitis

You’re right. I thought I read one of the children had severe special needs, but apparently not.

It doesn’t however change the point. It would be foolish to blow up a good marriage for this. The reality is that’s very possible. Personally if I was shouldering the entire financial burden of a family of five with a large mortgage, and my spouse unilaterally decided to give a large amount of financial security away, I’d sure as shit be resentful and questioning my marriage.

OP should not make a decision that would destroy her marriage to a good man she loves, probably force the sale of her home, unsettle her children, see her spend significantly less time with her children if they share custody, and re-enter the workplace at an entry level position when she’s been a stay at home mother for years. Oh, and all at a time when the cost of living is going through the roof. All so some mumsnetters, who this has absolutely no impact on at all, can pat her on the back and tell her she did the right thing.

I’m not sure why people are thinking it’s a reverse either. Someone can say their husband is brilliant without lying, being assumed to be delusional, or being the man himself.

OP is not shafting her sister. It is not her sister’s money. It was never her sister’s money.

Well she could have worked and paid someone else to look after her children but that would still have impacted their finances, childcare is not free and most people can’t afford to keep two children in childcare. The posters husband was clearly on board with the bigger house and more children otherwise he wouldn’t have agreed. If you’d stay with a man who threatened to leave you if you shared inheritance with your sister, that’s up to you. Not everyone thinks the same way as you.

NightOwl6 · 09/03/2022 16:13

@BambinaJAS

If he was so unhappy she ‘forced’ the decision on him, why did he oblige and why did they go on to have more children? They could have paid out a few thousand every month for child care I guess and felt the financial burden of that instead.

BungleandGeorge · 09/03/2022 16:17

@CellophaneFlower OP says “my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000”. Which doesn’t sound like he died intestate and she inherited by default

saraclara · 09/03/2022 16:20

@BambinaJAS this is what she said

Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it.

That doesn't read 'forced' to me. Yes, it seems that she was the one who wanted to change the plan so that they could have the house, but presumably they discussed it and he agreed. And at that time presumably there was no inheritance factored into the decision. There was no 'deal' that somehow he'd be recompensed for agreeing to this.

BambinaJAS · 09/03/2022 16:21

[quote NightOwl6]@BambinaJAS

If he was so unhappy she ‘forced’ the decision on him, why did he oblige and why did they go on to have more children? They could have paid out a few thousand every month for child care I guess and felt the financial burden of that instead.[/quote]
People ignore these kinds of complex decisions at their own peril.

Being tone deaf about money issues like OP is doing are potential marriage killers.

You are kidding yourself if you think the husband "will just get over it".

Joint decision by OP with husband is the optimal long-term move. How much ££ to potentially give should be up for discussion in a healthy marriage.

Also, OP has not considered the fact that giving a half sibling £125k is a "gift" and would incurr additional taxes.

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 16:23

Irrelevant. Sure, she could have done, but she didn’t. She unilaterally decided to stay at home. Normally that’s a decision that’s made between the couple, but in this case it wasn’t.

The fact that he agreed doesn’t take away from the fact that is the one bearing the sole financial burden of his family. It does not mean that he’s wrong to not want to lose half a financial windfall that secure his family. I don’t actually know how my husband would react tbh, because I wouldn’t put him in that position.

peboh · 09/03/2022 16:23

I don't get where people are getting from the op that the sister wouldn't be happy with whatever op decided to gift her. Aside from some life choices she made when younger, op hasn't told us anything about her sister. It's all been about her amazing husband, who apparently would never forgive her for giving her sister some of the inheritance... I'm not really sure that would be an amazing man to me.

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 16:24

@whumpthereitis

Irrelevant. Sure, she could have done, but she didn’t. She unilaterally decided to stay at home. Normally that’s a decision that’s made between the couple, but in this case it wasn’t.

The fact that he agreed doesn’t take away from the fact that is the one bearing the sole financial burden of his family. It does not mean that he’s wrong to not want to lose half a financial windfall that secure his family. I don’t actually know how my husband would react tbh, because I wouldn’t put him in that position.

*that he is

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/03/2022 16:25

Did your mum make a will?

How much of the 250K came from dad and how much came from gran?

Do you think your mum would be happy with her husband disinheriting one of her children?

Do you think your mum intended to leave one child to struggle as a single parent and the grandchildren go without, while the other one uses to money to continue to avoid working?

I suggest you take the money your dad gave you, keep the half of it which actually his to give. That satisfies his intentions and wishes. Then decide if your mum wanted you and only you to have her half.

Then do the right thing.

Aworldofmyown · 09/03/2022 16:31

Did you grow up with your sibling?
Is the 'gran' her biological grandparent?
Were you always treated the same up until her 'life choices'?

CellophaneFlower · 09/03/2022 16:33

[quote BungleandGeorge]@CellophaneFlower OP says “my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000”. Which doesn’t sound like he died intestate and she inherited by default[/quote]
Perhaps. I guess there's not really enough info to judge really. We don't know why the mum had separate money which she gave her daughters, she could have been separated from the dad perhaps?

To me it read like this situation had arisen as the mum unexpectedly died first. As in the OP fully expected to share her inheritance with her sister when she eventually received it from their mum. That's why I assumed perhaps dad hadn't left a will. If OP knows her dad's money is by all means and purposes 50% her mums and her mum was expecting to outlive him and share it equally, I find it awful she'd use her mum's death to profit in this way.

Lesserspottedmama · 09/03/2022 16:38

Give her a few thousand definitely, nowhere near half though.

NightOwl6 · 09/03/2022 16:39

@whumpthereitis

Irrelevant. Sure, she could have done, but she didn’t. She unilaterally decided to stay at home. Normally that’s a decision that’s made between the couple, but in this case it wasn’t.

The fact that he agreed doesn’t take away from the fact that is the one bearing the sole financial burden of his family. It does not mean that he’s wrong to not want to lose half a financial windfall that secure his family. I don’t actually know how my husband would react tbh, because I wouldn’t put him in that position.

Off course it matters, as he would have refused to have three children until she went back to work. Many families carry the burden of one earning financially because paying childcare isn’t affordable. Maybe it’s not wrong to you but to many it would be wrong and the way you’re thinking about just her family is selfish, what about her sisters family? I have a half sister, who is not biologically my fathers, his will is in both our names, if he had not made this decision, I would have given her an equal share.

Hawkins001 · 09/03/2022 16:42

@LadyJanestar

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

Because she received a portion of the estate, legally she cannot contest the will. I understand your perspectives but which is more important to you, your marriage or assisting ? Then if you do assist what if it gets wasted on holidays ect and soon burns through it ? If I inherited a large amount of make sure I budgeted and planned ahead but not everyone has the same perspectives, some just see £££ and then it's shopping sprees ect

Loopytiles · 09/03/2022 16:43

Lots of irrelevant info from the OP, and missing relevant info.

NightOwl6 · 09/03/2022 16:44

@BambinaJAS

Clearly he won’t get over it, yet buys his wife a bigger house and has more children with her, it seems it’s not such the ‘marriage killer’ you’ve made it to be and if he chose to ignore this decision, then ultimately it’s his fault for not speaking up.