Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

Whatever you do, it won't be right. If you give her a large sum of money (say £50k she won't be grateful because she will think she should get half). And your dh won't be pleased, after all his hard work and dedication. If you don't give her anything, she'll be resentful forevermore

This is what would worry me too
If there's any chance she'd view a modest share the end of the matter I'd consider it (and discuss it with DH of course), but if it would just lead to repeated demands a straight "no" may be wiser

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

I also agree with *@Zilla1*.

I feel really sorry for your sister. She's lost three people she loved, and been shown that despite her upbringing, she was never really considered family at all by anyone other than her mum.

I honestly just can't imagine a situation like this arising in my own family, although granted we're full sibs not half. But I'd be so upset if my parents didn't leave us equal shares and then the sib that got the most then decided they wouldn't share because it would upset their partner.

PS - many, many families (including ours) have only one parent shouldering the financial burden - I really don't think this is something a person should be getting some sort of hero status for . OP's husband wouldn't have done that if they couldn't afford it, let's be real here. It is selfish to not want a penny to go to the other sibling when it's clear that is not what her own mother would have wanted.

I feel sorry for the sister too. She must feel really hurt .

Having thought this over a bit, the more I think of it, the more I think half would be the correct and moral part to give to your sister which is what she expects and presumably would've got if she wasn't a half sister.

Then your sister can never come back saying to you 'it's not fair' etc.

I am 74.
I made a will.
My daughter is a Narcissist ( such a long story) and both of us have gone No Contact.
Upon my death my other daughter will receive everything.
I would be very upset if she were to give my NC daughter anything.
There is always a reason why others are not included in the will.

My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me.

Plus she is evading meeting you. If you gave her money it won't be enough because she is clearly expecting you to share the house.

My friend won *100,000 in the lottery and gave each of her kids
$20,000. They moaned and groaned that that was a drop in the bucket...People get weird about what they think they are owed...

I personally would keep it.

I would give her 50k. Your his band may agree that's fair.

I really don't understand this perspective of the poor put-upon husband that can't possibly be expected to take responsibility for his own decisions?

I'm the sole earner in our household. If my husband came into a large inheritance at the detriment of his brother that he grew up with, I can't imagine any circumstance where I would be a) expecting him to keep ALL that money because I'd been the one supporting the family, or b) where I'd be so upset it would ruin my marriage? Would I be disappointed to get (e.g.) half? Sure. But until they died I wasn't going to get anything, and in OP's case, he was expecting half to go to the sister anyway?

This reads like it has been written by the husband - this perfect husband that can do no wrong but who might split up his family if his wife shares her inheritance with her sister

@jeannie46

Some of my aunts and uncles inherited money from a relation but one aunt was left out.

When the boys found out about the will, it caused some shaking of heads even hilarity, but all of them agreed to redivide the loot without telling and upsetting her.

This is what moral people do.

This.

My lovely mam passed 7 years before dad. On her death the joint Will stated it would all go to the surviving spouse / between all 5 of us children if they went together. Dad changed the will after she died as he and my brothers didn't see eye to eye. Ridiculous.

When he died 2 years ago we applied for a deed of variation to re-instate it to be split with all 5 of us. What else would we do? My brothers are as important as me and my sisters and mam added to that money all her life. He also explicitly stated that grandchildren got different amounts! Yes, that's right. It actually beggar's belief. He was a decent man, I just don't know what on Earth got into him. We also applied for all GC to get the same amount. It took ages and the lawyers made a lot of money, but it was fair.

I think you need to speak to your DH, a lawyer and your sister. Surely paying £125,000 (or a bit more) off of your mortgage will make a huge difference.

Honestly, sounds like you don't want to give her anything and you're using your DH as an excuse. You didn't consider the financial burden on him until now 🤔 you've come up with many excuses not to give her anything (why on earth her relationship status is relevant who the fuck knows). You've decided you deserve it more,
as your DH is brilliant, not that fucking brilliant if he's happy to take your sister's money. You do whatever you like hon and come up with any excuse to justify it but at the end of the day your 'sister' knows that the only family she really had was her mum, hopefully she'll leave you all behind and be better off without you.

@jeannie46

Some of my aunts and uncles inherited money from a relation but one aunt was left out.

When the boys found out about the will, it caused some shaking of heads even hilarity, but all of them agreed to redivide the loot without telling and upsetting her.

This is what moral people do.

This is what happened to a close friend’s family. There were five children. Three of the children were given a bigger share of the will. They decided to share it equally so that everyone got the same amount Their reasoning was that the deceased relative was no longer around and wouldn’t be there to put up with the potential fall out, cousins not seeing each other etc

It's either complete bull or written by the husband.

@PiperPosey there is nothing in the OP to suggest the sister has done anything other than be a single parent where the dad is less than ideal, and possibly have her child make a racist comment. Without any context behind that, I'm not sure your situation is in any way comparable.

@bumblefeline agreed.

It is irrelevant though, because the entire point is that OP’s husband bears the financial burden. The fact that he’s agreed to this doesn’t change that. It’s still going to a major stressor, and this money come in would relieve that. If we’re relying on ‘what if’s’ then here’s one: what if he got sick and/or lost his job? With this money the house would at least be paid for, and they wouldn’t have to face losing the family home. He’s not an arsehole because he would choose not to sacrifice his family’s security. And again, yes a lot of parents stay home. Usually though, that’s a joint decision.

I don’t have any issue with being selfish when it comes to prioritizing my own immediate family, my husband and children, over someone else’s. It would be different if I had the money to spare, if I could give half away and not miss it, but in OP’s situation? No.

People are dismissing the husband in a very casual way on this thread. He doesn’t get a say, so he has to suck it up. If he doesn’t suck it up? Well then he can fuck off. He’s a twat and you’re better off without, OP. Okay cool, but in reality what impact do you think that would have on OP and their children?

@ bumblefeline my vote is for the husband. All this talk of how wonderful and generous he is is just too OTT, added to which the talk of how she refused to go back to work to make him look like the saint and her the bad one, and now she’s wanting to give away her inheritance which could change teir lives. Riiiight.

I don't think you can do right, maybe speak to her. She may well respect the will and accept it or not, least you'd know where you stand! Speak to your hub, it'll eat you up if you don't, he might surprise you.
I just think it's one of those things, the money would be helpful, but your sister appreciate it? I've always been told never to expect money.
Dunno if it helps, but these are my experiences;

My friends dad died, he got the house and everything. His half sister who the dad bought up, got nothing.
My aunty, a millionaire, died and she left 100s of 1000s to my cousin. I got £1000 a bureau and a 50s Kenwood. I just accepted it and moved on, she had her reasons. Although she left a shit load to the cats home, and then they didn't take her bloody cats as had no room!

Family and money is a minefield, go with your gut and talk it out.

@whumpthereitis those are things that every single person who has not just had an inheritance has to think about . They are not unique in this regard. So they would do what most people do, and ride the waves of life as they come at them.

It would be different if I had the money to spare, if I could give half away and not miss it - this isn't strictly speaking 'her' money though is it? Because if there hadn't been bereavements in the family, then their financial situation wouldn't have changed and no one would be expecting her to finance the sister?

I can't imagine saying to my brother and sister that I have a mortgage I can pay off with that money, so fuck you, mum was definitely ok with splitting the money so I got most of it.

If OP doesn't answer questions then they will not be able to get accurate advice?

1. Was she grandma's biological grandchild?
2. Did your dad legally adopt her?
3. Did you see copies of your parents' wills? Did they both say the same thing, or was your dad's different from your mum's? E.g. did mum's say 'divided equally between two daughters '.
4. Did any money 'skip over' sister but is in trust for her children?

You also need to talk to your husband. Say "it feels unfair that X was given so little, what do you think about that?" And hear what he says.

He might say that in the 15 years you've been together she lived rent free with parents (worth £10k per year) and had free childcare which easily adds up to £10k help per year so she's had more than £200 worth of help from them already, where you got none.

He might make some valid points.

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]@whumpthereitis those are things that every single person who has not just had an inheritance has to think about . They are not unique in this regard. So they would do what most people do, and ride the waves of life as they come at them.

It would be different if I had the money to spare, if I could give half away and not miss it - this isn't strictly speaking 'her' money though is it? Because if there hadn't been bereavements in the family, then their financial situation wouldn't have changed and no one would be expecting her to finance the sister?

I can't imagine saying to my brother and sister that I have a mortgage I can pay off with that money, so fuck you, mum was definitely ok with splitting the money so I got most of it.[/quote]
But OP isn’t like ‘every single person without an inheritance’, precisely because she has an inheritance 🤦🏻‍♀️

Strictly speaking, yes. ‘If bereavements hadn’t….’ bereavements did. It’s her money. Ownership has transferred to her, ergo it’s hers.

I’d have to share it with her. I’m sure your husband would feel the same wouldn’t he? What makes you think he wouldn’t?

Does she have a 'bio' dad in her life and paternal dad's family in her life?

If she does, she'll likely be inheriting from that side of the family, and you won't. That should be factored in.

I think you should to a large degree honour your Gran's wishes and pay off your mortgage.

Half of your mum's estate, however, should have gone to your sister, or at least in trust for her if they were concerned she was going to make bad choices with it. That I would talk to your DH about.

Agree that more info is needed - but on the surface it does seem like your sister has been screwed over, which surely would not have been what your mother wanted.

I think it would devastate your mother if she knew this had happened. Sounds like she expected him to go first and then she would’ve shared things equally between you two kids.

Awful situation for your sister. I would’ve split everything down the middle and never told her this had happened.

Since she knows, I’d tell her that clearly this is a mistake - that of course you’ll be giving her half and tell your husband that morally half of that money was never yours to begin with.

Do the right thing OP.

Your priority is your own family, your marriage and your children.

You finally have the opportunity to contribute financially to your household after having all the children and the SAH lifestyle you wanted, while your husband was taking on all the financial responsibility. It’s not easy being the only earner to support two adults and three children, so I can understand why your marriage would be in trouble if you decided to give away a huge amount of your family’s security.

Your Gran made the will the way she wanted, it would be incredibly disrespectful to her to dismiss her choices for money. I don’t see how you think you’d feel guilt free if you give away half of her bequest.

Screwing over your sister to compensate for screwing over your DH doesn't really seem just.

As OP has not come back yet, I am going on what she has said only.

If you feel compelled to share anything with your half-sister, then set up an investment fund for her children that matures when they are past the age of 18yo, say 25yo, & can provide a sum for education or house deposit (not a lump sum for spends) I suggest that you take independent financial advice about how to set this up.

Given your H-S’s personal issues, it would be most unwise to give her money as a gift, & you are under no obligation to do so, whereas to set her children up with some financial support (albeit conditional) is helping her indirectly & nominally passing on some funds from their grandparents.