Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

@ANUsernam

What *@Zilla1* said.

Honestly I wouldn't want to be married to a man who would deny my sister her share.

If you have unilaterally made poor financial decisions in your marriage and not shouldered your share of the burden and your husband is unhappy over that, or even wouldn't leave you because of it, that is an entirely separate issue.

Are you really willing to screw your sister financially to keep your marriage because you've made poor decisions? Is that really the example you want to give your kids for how they should treat each other?

Thats a bit dramatic.

I think it would help if you said the sequence of deaths, whether the gran in question was your mum's or dad's mother and how the split of your dad's funds came about...

I'm thinking that Gran is Dad's mother - therefore for Gran to leave sister nothing is not that much of a surprise. (If Gran is your mum's mother then I do think that was a bit unfair.)

I'm assuming Dan went ahead of Gran and therefore Gran left everything to her child which passed to his child i.e. you - as legally not sister. That would explain Gran not leaving her anything I suppose if her will assumed Dad would get it all and then sort.

In terms of Dad - I assume he gained mum's half of the house - but nothing else specifically mum's - hence you inherited half each of mum's savings? So I would say sister had what Mum expected her to get directly as did you. Clearly however it sounds like all 3 deaths were very quick in succession and any attempt to rewrite wills would have been very difficult.

If your mum was asking for advice as to what to put in her will now - and protect incase your dad inherited first she would likely be told to split her assets - her savings and her half of the house between her two daughters. But that dad should leave his assets to his only daughter (as mum's other daughter would inherit from her own father too).

I guess that is a round about way of saying I think your sister is perhaps (morally - not legally) entitled to half of your mum's assets - so half of her 50% of the house, but none of your dad's. So maybe look at gifting your sister 25% of the value of the house?

If you husband would divorce you for simply discussing it with him then I think you are not married to a good man though.

OP says she refused to return to work. Of course he could have insisted, but for whatever reason he’s chosen to support her choice. It has meant, however, that he alone bears the financial burden of supporting the family. This money massively relieves that. Now OP, regardless of how else she supports her family, who doesn’t contribute financially is thinking about giving away half a windfall that he likely sees as an assurance of his children’s security.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, to the rest. The fact is OP did inherit something, she has the money. It really doesn’t matter what would have happened if OP had inherited nothing, because she did. It may suck for the sister, but she those are the cards that have been dealt. Who know? Maybe she’ll inherit something herself in future, given that she has a paternal family completely separate to OP.

It’s frankly foolish for OP, the stay at home mother to three children, one of whom is disabled, to risk blowing her marriage up for this. I do not believe that the majority of people encouraging her to make decision that could lead to just that, would be quite so willing to do it themselves.

I know you said you only signed up to Mumsnet to make this post, so you may not be aware that it is normal to come back to your post and on this occasion answer the many questions that posters have asked in order to get a clearer picture before proffering their advice.

Give her 25 grand thats a decent sum of money and won't impact too much on your plans. That's if you have a good relationship of course, if you don't , you're not obliged to give her a penny.

I'm not 100% sure of the facts but it sounds like your sister has been screwed over.

I don't know why you mentioned her bad choices etc?

If you got £250k plus the £17k from your mums savings and your sister got £17k then the whole estate would be £284k. You Dad wanted his share to go to you and you Mum wanted her share to be split between you and your sister. That is a normal and fair thing to do.
So split the whole amount by 4 and give yourself 3 shares and you sister 1 share.

£284k divided by 4 = £71k
You get £213k
Sister gets £71k
Your sister has already had £17k so she needs a further £54k

This is fair and respects the wishes of the dead (🙄)
Surely your Mother would be horrified if you didn't respect her wishes and cut your sister out.
Your husband obviously doesn't care about your sister and wants the money but this isn't about him. You shouldn't be trying to keep your sisters money to make up for your 'bad decisions'

The fact that you made this thread suggests you know it's wrong to keep your sisters money.

@CellophaneFlower the Dad obviously didn’t see them as the same as evidenced by his will. It was his decision alone who should inherit his money and should be respected, he’s not under any moral obligation to split his estate

My sister is my half sister. My father raised her as his own when she was a baby. His will has been left to us both, exactly as it should be. Legally you don’t have to, you have to ask yourself whether you think it’s morally right, don’t let the money over-ride your morals.

Your DH is absolutely marvellous - better than all the husbands on here but your marriage won’t recover if you give your sister any money at all all? Your money.

I think this is a reverse.

I think the sister should have some of the money.

@whumpthereitis

OP says she refused to return to work. Of course he could have insisted, but for whatever reason he’s chosen to support her choice. It has meant, however, that he alone bears the financial burden of supporting the family. This money massively relieves that. Now OP, regardless of how else she supports her family, who doesn’t contribute financially is thinking about giving away half a windfall that he likely sees as an assurance of his children’s security.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, to the rest. The fact is OP did inherit something, she has the money. It really doesn’t matter what would have happened if OP had inherited nothing, because she did. It may suck for the sister, but she those are the cards that have been dealt. Who know? Maybe she’ll inherit something herself in future, given that she has a paternal family completely separate to OP.

It’s frankly foolish for OP, the stay at home mother to three children, one of whom is disabled, to risk blowing her marriage up for this. I do not believe that the majority of people encouraging her to make decision that could lead to just that, would be quite so willing to do it themselves.

None of the children are disabled.

This is a wind up

As for your gran, she sounds unpleasant, but if she wasn't your sister's blood relative I think her money should wholly go to you.

I don't know.

If the gran made her will specifically intending OP to benefit and her sister not to, I don't really see any moral obligation for OP to split the money with her sister. Blood relative or not, if the gran intended OP's sister to have a share, she would have given her one.

The part that is much trickier from my point of view is the OP's mum's share.

What would have happened if the OP's dad had died before her mum? Would that part have been split 50:50 between the sisters? If so, OP's sister has been screwed over by the fact that her mum died before her stepdad.

That's why I think it would be really helpful if the knows about the terms of her mum's will. If it said, "everything to my husband, but if he predeceases me, to my daughters in equal shares", then I think OP's dad did the dirty on his stepdaughter by leaving almost everything to OP.

What would have happened if your Dad passed away before you Mum OP? I think if your Dad has cut your sister out of a will which would have been significantly more even had he passed first I would definitely give my sister something more. X

I don't think it's fair. Your sister should get a quarter of the estate. So half your mums money. It's not your husbands money. It's not his loss or his inheritance. I'd lose a husband before I lost my sister.

OP you have been given lots of advice here and pp have asked questions ,so can you be polite enough to come back and acknowledge what pp have said?!!
I personally think because your Mother died first and unexpectedly your sister has been completely screwed over !
What do you think your Mother would have wanted?
My daughter is a single parent and hopefully one day her child will have half siblings. I genuinely 100% am certain that in the event of my daughter dying ,in hopefully many many years her child she has now will be treated EQUALLY as the other siblings !
It’s a no brainer and I think you know that !

My marriage would never recover if my husband thought I shouldn’t share the inheritance (even more so if racism was involved).

Interesting that you describe her choices as bad, but go on to say that you made several choices that were financially poor for your family, and you've only been saved by having a brilliant partner, something which she didn't have.

@Whatever00

I don't think it's fair. Your sister should get a quarter of the estate. So half your mums money. It's not your husbands money. It's not his loss or his inheritance. I'd lose a husband before I lost my sister.

@Whatever00 - I do think sister won't be happy with a quarter though from what OP has told us.

If it were me, husband could wait until he gets an inheritance (or not) then he can decide what to do what his share. That's fair.

You’re right. I thought I read one of the children had severe special needs, but apparently not.

It doesn’t however change the point. It would be foolish to blow up a good marriage for this. The reality is that’s very possible. Personally if I was shouldering the entire financial burden of a family of five with a large mortgage, and my spouse unilaterally decided to give a large amount of financial security away, I’d sure as shit be resentful and questioning my marriage.

OP should not make a decision that would destroy her marriage to a good man she loves, probably force the sale of her home, unsettle her children, see her spend significantly less time with her children if they share custody, and re-enter the workplace at an entry level position when she’s been a stay at home mother for years. Oh, and all at a time when the cost of living is going through the roof. All so some mumsnetters, who this has absolutely no impact on at all, can pat her on the back and tell her she did the right thing.

I’m not sure why people are thinking it’s a reverse either. Someone can say their husband is brilliant without lying, being assumed to be delusional, or being the man himself.

OP is not shafting her sister. It is not her sister’s money. It was never her sister’s money.

My half siblings are inheriting 10x what I am.

Such is life. I would never expect them to give me a cent.

[quote BungleandGeorge]@CellophaneFlower the Dad obviously didn’t see them as the same as evidenced by his will. It was his decision alone who should inherit his money and should be respected, he’s not under any moral obligation to split his estate[/quote]
OP hasn't said there was a will. OP states that her father brought her sister up as his own. I should hope that means he treated them equally.

I gather that your parents died close together but your mother before your father so your father had only just inherited your mother's share of their house before he died. It could easily been the other way round.
Presumably your mother willed half each of her estate to you and your sister, and your father willed all of his to you.
As your father died last he willed the whole house to you, if your mother had died last it would have been half each.
I would think of the two halves of the house as separate.
You inherit all your father's half, and half of your mother's house so 3/4.
Your sister should have half your mother's half of the house, so 1/4 of the house.
I would think very very poorly of my husband, if he didn't think this was morally right.

You get all of your father's

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

I'd split it because I can't bear this divisiveness from beyond the grave. And I don't even like my sister! But then I wouldn't be doing it for her, I'd be doing it for me, so I could sleep at night knowing I'd done what I believed to be the right thing.

Yes - it's about self respect - and teaching your children to behave respectfully and morally towards others.

@Maxiedog123

I gather that your parents died close together but your mother before your father so your father had only just inherited your mother's share of their house before he died. It could easily been the other way round. Presumably your mother willed half each of her estate to you and your sister, and your father willed all of his to you. As your father died last he willed the whole house to you, if your mother had died last it would have been half each. I would think of the two halves of the house as separate. You inherit all your father's half, and half of your mother's house so 3/4. Your sister should have half your mother's half of the house, so 1/4 of the house. I would think very very poorly of my husband, if he didn't think this was morally right.

You get all of your father's

yes and good compromise.

So important to get proper advice and don't rely on promises or mirror wills and protect your children. You can vary a will so no barrier to doing what your mum would have wanted. Speak to your husband