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Original poster

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 14:21

Of course her husband’s opinion should come into it. He’s financially supporting a family of five on his own, and if he responds badly to OP choosing to split the inheritance it’s likely to have very real, and possibly very negative, impact on the OP. It’s frankly delusional to think he’s inconsequential here. I also don’t think anyone encouraging OP to basically fuck him off if he has an issue would be quite so blasé if they were in this situation.

I don’t think it’s fair to paint the guy as a villain in this. There’s absolutely nothing that suggests he only supported OP because he anticipated a windfall, or that he’s a selfish greedy piece of shit. He’s a man that appreciates a windfall that will significantly reduce the financial burden that sits on his shoulders. It’s also a level of security: what if he becomes ill and can’t work? What if he loses his job? He, and the OP, would have the security then of knowing that they at least wouldn’t have to face losing their home if such situations arose.

I’ve seen blended families ask for advice of will planning on here quite a few times. It seems to be accepted practice that each parents divides it between their own children. It’s possible that the bulk of the money came from OP’s grandmother. It’s also possible that OP’s father and mother had separate finances and assets. It’s not at all unheard of.

No one has a right to inherit. OP’s sister hasn’t been deprived of anything because it wasn’t given to her.

Enzbear · 09/03/2022 14:22

I would give her half actually. I think women of your grans age and step parents can be far too judgemental and I've heard so many stories of them punishing using inheritance making sure their favourite gets the lion's share .

MargosKaftan · 09/03/2022 14:22

I also agree if your sister wasn't the daughter of your dad and not the granddaughter of your Gran, then its not unreasonable for them to leave it all to you. That your sister hasn't complained or tried to contest the wills suggests she agrees. Its hard as she won't see you. But if she's refusing to see you, you are just trying to guess she's angry about the money, she might not be.

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 09/03/2022 14:26

We had close family members that did that to my family and it really hurt us and damaged our memories of them. Worse was the majority inheritor then acted like they should have got 100% even the paltry sum we had - it was like a double bereavement as that family member then cut us off suddenly for greed as I see it.

Fuuyf5677 · 09/03/2022 14:28

In what capacity did you inherit everything form your dad? So if your mum died - did everything i.e. the house etc go to your dad, who then passed it on to you? I think in that case - I might see it as lets say half the house was your mums and I would give your half sister half of that i.e. 1/4 of 250k if that makes sense. This is one of the reasons why if I die first, rather than passing everything to my husband - half is actually going to my kid in my will. All too often the widow/widower re-marries and everything from the first marriage goes to the kids in the second marriage which seems really unfair.

Donson · 09/03/2022 14:32

I would give my sister half.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/03/2022 14:33

Your half sister has a father I assume, would you expect to inherit from him ? It is unreasonable of her to expect to inherit from him, but not from your joint parent obviously.
I think wills are made for a reason and should be respected, unless there is deliberate malice or spitefulness.
Was your Grandmother related to your sister ?

Angrymum22 · 09/03/2022 14:34

Did your DF & DM help your sister out financially. You may find out that over the years she has received the equivalent of your inheretence.
Also if your gran was not a blood relation of your sisters she has no claim on that estate, and for the same reason that of your dad. However, you need to see whether things would be different if your dad had predeceased your dad.
If your DM had survived yourDF would your DSis have inherited a much larger sum of money. It would have been strange for your parents wills to not be linked under the circumstances. Your dads money may have been ringfenced for you regardless of who died first, suggesting that they felt your DSis had benefited from financial assistance before the wills were written.

Angrymum22 · 09/03/2022 14:35

Sorry should have read dad predeceased your mum

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 14:35

@whumpthereitis

Of course her husband’s opinion should come into it. He’s financially supporting a family of five on his own, and if he responds badly to OP choosing to split the inheritance it’s likely to have very real, and possibly very negative, impact on the OP. It’s frankly delusional to think he’s inconsequential here. I also don’t think anyone encouraging OP to basically fuck him off if he has an issue would be quite so blasé if they were in this situation.

I don’t think it’s fair to paint the guy as a villain in this. There’s absolutely nothing that suggests he only supported OP because he anticipated a windfall, or that he’s a selfish greedy piece of shit. He’s a man that appreciates a windfall that will significantly reduce the financial burden that sits on his shoulders. It’s also a level of security: what if he becomes ill and can’t work? What if he loses his job? He, and the OP, would have the security then of knowing that they at least wouldn’t have to face losing their home if such situations arose.

I’ve seen blended families ask for advice of will planning on here quite a few times. It seems to be accepted practice that each parents divides it between their own children. It’s possible that the bulk of the money came from OP’s grandmother. It’s also possible that OP’s father and mother had separate finances and assets. It’s not at all unheard of.

No one has a right to inherit. OP’s sister hasn’t been deprived of anything because it wasn’t given to her.

But he’s agreed to support OP re not working. Mutual agreement.

OP says she thinks she should do the right thing and give her sister something (I’m not sure if half is right even if her sister thinks so).

If OP didn’t inherit anything then her DH wouldn’t expect something either.

OP has also decided not to return work which has affected the family finances, she’s admitted that was a but selfish. Maybe her sister sees that as selfish especially if she’s had to work full time whilst arranging childcare.

Ultimately up to OP though.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 14:36

I also agree if your sister wasn't the daughter of your dad and not the granddaughter of your Gran, then its not unreasonable for them to leave it all to you

But half of what OP's dad had available to leave, had been his wife's. The mother of both sisters.

Half of what I have in life was earned by my late husband. And I spend it and help our children, with that in mind. I wish it was possible legally, to separate it out so that his half is protected and can't be used for my care, as I know that he would want our children to benefit from his half.

I imagine that OP's mother would have been horrified at the thought of her other daughter not benefiting from her half of the house that she and her husband presumably owned together, and any joint savings.

In OP's case I'd consider half of the importance to be my mother's money. And I'd do with it as I think my mother would have wanted me to.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 14:37

The inheritance, not "the importance"!

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 14:38

@SirVixofVixHall

Your half sister has a father I assume, would you expect to inherit from him ? It is unreasonable of her to expect to inherit from him, but not from your joint parent obviously. I think wills are made for a reason and should be respected, unless there is deliberate malice or spitefulness. Was your Grandmother related to your sister ?
@SirVixofVixHall - i think OP would mention if her half sister’s DF was in the picture and it’d seem not so probably no inheritance there.
Crystalvas · 09/03/2022 14:39

@brainhurts

I would respect the wishes of the person who wrote the will , that what a will is for so you can go to your grave knowing your belongings/ money go to those you chosen
I agree with this. If they wanted your half sister to have some of the inheritance they’d have willed it to her.
BungleandGeorge · 09/03/2022 14:41

Do you know what your Mum’s will said? I think a fair offer would be half of your Mum’s share of the estate. Your Dad and Gran wanted the money to go to their biological child which is understandable. I don’t think the half sister can expect half of your parents estate and she’s not actually entitled to anything but what do you think is fair?

Solongtoshort · 09/03/2022 14:43

I would give her 1/4 of what your fathers left you, Only because l am assuming the house was half your mum’s so half the house is yours from your dad, the other half which was your mum’s split it that between you you get 75% she gets 25% explain why you are doing it and tell her if you do this against your dads last wishes then she had to use it for something important like a house deposit if you are somewhere with reasonable prices.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2022 14:43

@SirVixofVixHall

Your half sister has a father I assume, would you expect to inherit from him ? It is unreasonable of her to expect to inherit from him, but not from your joint parent obviously. I think wills are made for a reason and should be respected, unless there is deliberate malice or spitefulness. Was your Grandmother related to your sister ?
Op says he raised her as his own, she presumably called him dad given the DP didn't even know, which would suggest not a bio father in the scene and he saw her as family. Op inheriting from a man she doesn't know because both their Dad's had kids with the same woman is entirely different.
saraclara · 09/03/2022 14:44

Let's consider the other OP:

"I recently lost my mother and then my step father (who brought me up as his own for nearly all of my life) died. I am absolutely shattered to find that he clearly didn't consider me his child after all. He's left almost everything (£250,000) to my sister, his full daughter, and I only get the £17,000 that my mum had in a separate savings account.
My sister wants to put this inequality right, by giving me some extra money from get inheritance, but her DH refuses to let her, as he thinks he's owed it for supporting her as a SAHM. I'm a single parent, btw, so the extra would really help me"

What would we say to her?

Dammitthisisshit · 09/03/2022 14:44

So if I’ve understood:
You have the same mum as your half sister.
You have a different biological dad to your half sister but your biological dad brought you both up.

Your mum, dad and gran (dads mother) all died within a short space of time.
Your mums will said to split assets 50:50 between your sister and you.
Your dad and grans will said everything should go to you (or maybe your gran left everything to your dad and your dad to you, I’m unclear but it results in the same thing).

Your husband wants to keep everything you’ve been left.

One thing I‘m not clear on is if your sister has any relationship (so may inherit) from her family that she doesn’t share with you. That would change things. I’m assuming she doesn’t.

I think your husbands views aren’t the most important here. I mean they are important but doing the right thing is more important.

Ethically I’d respect your mums wishes and your sister and split things 50:50. It’s still a lot of money you will gain and it’s the right thing to do.

We had a similar situation (though much smaller scale) where all grandchildren on my DHs side bar 1 were given a few thousand. The person who was excluded had no idea and would have been really hurt. DH and I talked it through and we made up a story that justified us giving this excluded person a couple of thousand to even it up (effectively splitting what DH got) without telling them why. DH was uncomfortable as it looked like we were being generous whereas in reality we were just sharing something that in our opinion they should have got too, but we thought that was better than telling them the truth as that would have hurt them.

You have the power to even things up and make it right. Why would you not take it? You still end up with more than you started with!

OleWomanInAShoe · 09/03/2022 14:47

Does it seem as though your father went against your mother's wishes?
Your husband isn't the man you think he is if he would leave you over something like this.
Yuk.

CellophaneFlower · 09/03/2022 14:49

@BungleandGeorge

Do you know what your Mum’s will said? I think a fair offer would be half of your Mum’s share of the estate. Your Dad and Gran wanted the money to go to their biological child which is understandable. I don’t think the half sister can expect half of your parents estate and she’s not actually entitled to anything but what do you think is fair?
She's morally entitled to half. She was seen as a daughter by BOTH parents before OP was even born.
Lovelteers · 09/03/2022 14:49

You’ve lost your mum, dad and gran. Do you want to lose your sister too? How much is that relationship worth to you?
She’s now the person your likely to have the longest relationship in your life with. Not your husband, not your kids, your sister ( assuming you both live to a l older age).
What’s that worth to you? Your DH financially supports you and has a career that YOU support because he doesn’t have to worry about the kids.
That’s a separate thing. You two have agreed on that. It’s got nothing to do with the inheritance.
He has a career, financial power, a pension. He’s got a lot of benefits to ‘supporting’ his family.
Give your sister half the money.
Be grateful
For the other half and your more stable financial and emotional situation.
Your dad sounds like a class A dickhead.

3peassuit · 09/03/2022 14:49

I would share with my sister.

MRex · 09/03/2022 14:50

So many questions come to mind:

  1. What has your DH actually said about it? Looks like you are just assuming he expects everything?
  2. It is tricky to know what the "bad choices" means; was she already given money and that is why they felt the wills were making finances equal?
  3. If your mum died after your dad, what would the financial split have looked like?
  4. Will your sister be expected to inherit from her biological father of his family, even though he didn't raise her?
  5. What exactly did your father's will say, did it name you or name "any children"? When was it written?
LimoncelloMadness · 09/03/2022 14:50

Are you going to answer any of the questions asked OP? Whatever your husband did he did so not knowing you would inherit such a large sum of money so he has no right to think you 'owe' him that. My husband would never expect me to do something that would leave me feeling horribly guilty. If you feel guilty because your husband has all the financial burden then perhaps you should go back to work, it's not fair to make choices another person foots the bill for. I honestly can't believe you are going to shaft your sister because your mother died before your father and your father was mean enough not to split his estate equally. As for your gran, she sounds unpleasant, but if she wasn't your sister's blood relative I think her money should wholly go to you.