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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:

MRex · 09/03/2022 09:34

@girlmom21

I'm not convinced that taking an unsettled child out of their warm bed and downstairs is going to help them settle again easily.

As an aside:
We had a newborn baby in our bedroom in a semi and the neighbour didn't even realise we'd had a baby for the first couple of weeks. It was only because she saw me out with the pram that she realised. In many houses noise doesn't travel that easily, even if you're in a bed on an adjoining wall.
When she said she was surprised I said "oh thank god, we haven't been disturbing you then?" and she said that they never hear any noise from us.

Weirdly, there's another two semis on the estate which are rented and one of the neighbours is moving out because the neighbours are too noisy apparently.

People must have very different noise tolerance levels. If this is a struggle for you, maybe a terrace isn't the best option.

Slight tangent, but our immediate neighbours commented on how quiet DS is compared with the baby/toddler who was here before. I doubt they've gone deaf in the 3 year age gap, so there are going to be differences between family noise levels.

Barkingmadhouse · 09/03/2022 09:35

Surely this is the reality of living in a terraced house. This must have crossed your mind when buying it? If its not a crying baby it would be a TV or someone that talks loudly - and the baby crying is the one you shouldn't be complaining about. If you expect no noise buy a detached property.
I highly doubt the parents are just ignoring the child as I suspect they would also like some sleep.

CantStandMeCow · 09/03/2022 09:35

Crikey you’re getting a lot of flack! I understand. There’s nothing worse than a screaming baby and it must be driving you mad. I used to send flowers and cards when my kid did this and we never did CIO because she was too intense and they’d have thought she was in some kind of serious pain.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 09:35

@MRex that's also true!

Blackcatsocks · 09/03/2022 09:36

I have sympathy for you OP. When I had my baby we lived in a flat and I always made sure to soothe her as quickly as possible to minimise noise. Obviously sometimes it didn't work and that couldn't be helped but at least I tried. Sounds like they could be making more of an effort, to me.

Whatamess582 · 09/03/2022 09:37

I suppose if they are letting their child cry it out then yes they could stop. But then they might also be exhausted and totally on the floor from being woken up 7-8 times a night for a dummy or doudou falling out of bed and they think this is the only way they can make their lives better. I know for you that might be better but in a few days there will be an AIBU with ‘to let my kids cry it out despite it disturbing the neighbours because I’m exhausted from all the broken sleep’. And they might be on the edge of a break through and the kid may learn to sleep through tonight!!

But what if the kid is having night terrors and genuinely there is nothing they can do……

As a mum of 2 my guess is that they are fully aware that it could be disturbing you…:. But they are probably just as shattered and need sleep too and they are doing the best they can do. They might be teething. My youngest would cry like crazy in the night when he was teething and it took 20 mins or so for the calpol to kick in. I’m lucky and have no neighbours but what you would expect me to do in that circumstance? Smother him?

I wore ear plugs to bed when the kids were young so I didn’t hear the muffled snorts and wake up every time they turned over, but I heard the cries… you never don’t hear the cries.

You could always strike up a friendship and support them?

GrapefruitGin · 09/03/2022 09:37

PLEASE don’t do anything. They’re a toddler ffs, it won’t continue for long. The ndn are probably also sleep deprived and completely stressed about their toddlers sleeping habits, you will make matters worse.

Katela18 · 09/03/2022 09:37

Hi OP,

We have had this in phases with our NDN and it is frustrating.

However, my own toddler is now suffering night terrors, and she can go 20-30 minutes in an inconsolable state before she 'comes around' and starts to calm down. You don't know what is going on so I wouldn't assume they are leaving their toddler to cry.

Obviously that doesn't help your issue or make it less real. Could you and DH agree to take nights in turns? ie one night you can wear ear plugs while he has the baby monitor, next night it's your turn? That way at least one of you should get a good night at a time.

Hopefully it improves soon

ralanne · 09/03/2022 09:39

[quote StrawberryPot]@ralanne - op has said it has been going on for months not 5 days.[/quote]
Ah, I missed that bit, however, given that it’s intermittent, he could have been ill a number of times, or teething, night terrors, or any number of things.

My main point was that op seems to be mainly angry that they are “leaving” him to cry, “crying it out” and I don’t think that is possible for a 3 year old. The child would just get up.

FantasticFebruary · 09/03/2022 09:41

@Aswad

I’d assume having your own toddler would have given you more empathy. What do you think it’s like for the parents?

Well for starters it might not be as loud if they're across the hallway with doors closed than it is for the op through the wall.

Secondly, it's THEIR child - their problem - or should be!

They're the ones who have the control over the situation, not the OP.

MabelsApron · 09/03/2022 09:43

I just wanted to say to the OP that I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Sleep deprivation is awful, and having to deal with a health condition and a young child yourself, it must feel pretty overwhelming and difficult right now. YANBU to be upset and tired, and anyone saying that you shouldn't be feeling the perfectly normal consequences of sleep deprivation just because the neighbours might be having a tough time is... well, ridiculous.

I really hope that things improve soon. The onus really is on the person responsible for the noise to take steps to sort it out, but I can well understand your reluctance to raise it with them.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:44

I definitely knew there would be noise when we moved in. We are lucky actually that we knew previous occupants very well and spent time in the house before we bought it so we knew what the noise was like.

Since then next door have had work done to their house. I have no idea what they did, but the noise is much more audible. That being said, it's part of living in a terrace and they're entitled to do work to their home. I'd just like to be able to sleep.

We have looked at moving to a semi or a detached but can't afford a higher mortgage with the rise of costs of living (I have no idea how we will afford our bills as it is) and house prices in the area have gone up by about 100k.

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 09:44

Just on another note - I recall years ago I lived in a shared house. I got very friendly with the neighbours who lived 2 doors down - and had a young baby.

The mum confided in me at the station one morning about baby crying and said - "you don't hear her do you?". She then apologised a lot if I did hear her but I said no, not at all! Probably due to the slight distance in our houses.

I don't know if other neighbours complained but she thought her baby cried really loudly. I did feel for her because she had a small 3 bedroom semi-detached house so was separate from ours (terraced) but maybe neighbours on the other side complained.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:45

Thank-you @MabelsApron

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 09:46

[quote girlmom21]@Gonnagetgoing I think they're suggesting OP and the toddler switch rooms [/quote]
@girlmom21 - ah gotcha. But OP has no spare room to move to.

Tigofigo · 09/03/2022 09:47

My DS has asd. As a toddler, like many toddlers, he didn’t sleep well. I’d always go to him when he woke up, I’d rock him and soothe him, but he would cry louder and louder for quite some time.

Same.

My DS would scream and scream, sometimes for hours. For years. Years of my life every night was like this.

The whole time, he was in my bed, being comforted by me - or should I say me attempting to comfort him.

It's not always cry it out or lazy parents.

Rrrob · 09/03/2022 09:48

I can’t see your POV, but as a mum to twin toddlers this panics me. One sleeps like a dream, the other will only settle for me. We have been trying to wean bf for months so DH goes in, but she SCREAMS. I’ve often asked our ndns if they can hear/ to let us know if they are disturbed and they say no, but if they said yes I’m not sure what we would/ could do differently.

I guess the only positive is it will pass at some point….

Rrrob · 09/03/2022 09:48

I meant to say I CAN see you POV!!

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 09/03/2022 09:50

OP this sounds awful. Can I suggest earplugs for you and bring back the baby monitor for your toddler, one with bright lights and you can have the volume up? Hopefully then it will only be your own child who disturbs you.

I’m surprised it hasn’t occurred to your neighbours to move a screaming toddler away from the party wall, I think it would have thought of this.

GrendelsGrandma · 09/03/2022 09:51

You both have kids of a similar age and live next door but you're not friendly? That seems like a missed opportunity tbh!

On sleep, it's no fun for anyone but it's the reality of a) toddlers and b) terraces

They may well be in with the toddler, the child might have night terrors or recurrent ear infections etc. I don't think you can do much about it but making friends would probably be nice and give you some insight.

LaMadrilena · 09/03/2022 09:51

I live in a flat, so 2 nextdoor neighbours plus upstairs and downstairs. DH was desperately trying to comfort wailing 9mo DD at 3am this morning so I could get some sleep on the sofa, as it usually has to be me up every night because she only settles on the breasts and I'm exhausted. I had to go in and breastfeed in the end We were stressed and upset enough without having someone banging on the door. You don't know what's going on on the other side of the wall.

Missey85 · 09/03/2022 09:52

YABU toddlers cry theirs no off switch to stop them!

GrendelsGrandma · 09/03/2022 09:54

@afizzysweet

Leaving a crying child in a room against a party wall is arsehole level entitled behaviour. When we lived in a semi, and ours woke up at night, I'd go down to the living room and sleep on the sofa so our NDN's didn't get disturbed. It was bad enough we had sleepless nights let alone waking up the house next door. You can't always stop a child from crying but you can make an effort to stop it impacting on others.

I agree with this. I'll get more stick for saying it but when people say "what do you think it's like for the parents" - it must be crap, but they're their children, not other people's, so people shouldn't have to share the burden of not being able to sleep. Not being able to sleep is really tough but it's even more frustrating when it isn't because of your own household.

Here's your stick Op. How is the child ever going to learn to sleep through if they get up every night and go downstairs where there are toys etc?

GrendelsGrandma · 09/03/2022 09:56

@MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot

I’m surprised it hasn’t occurred to your neighbours to move a screaming toddler away from the party wall, I think it would have thought of this.

@mucheaseusa it's a terraced house. In my house all the rooms have a party wall

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 09:58

You both have kids of a similar age and live next door but you're not friendly? That seems like a missed opportunity tbh!

I have tried to become more friendly but in honesty I think they have lots of friends (with children) so aren't that interested - fair enough.

OP posts:

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