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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:
Doodledoo · 09/03/2022 10:26

Well all I have to say is if you do go round and have a go about their toddler crying at night please record the convo 🙈

Sportslady44 · 09/03/2022 10:28

Don't bother. Children cry period. It won't go well

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 10:29

But she refuses to do the same swap herself. So it’s not about spare rooms.

As the person that isn't causing a regular disturbance why should I rearrange my rooms when they could move their child to a room that isn't against a party wall? Neither of my rooms are spare, I would have to take apart furniture and rearrange two bedrooms that are in use. Surely it's on the person causing a frequent ongoing noise disturbance to remedy it? E.g. little Bobby is waking up the neighbours and his been for months...let's put him on the side where there are no neighbours?

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 09/03/2022 10:29

You can't say anything, it is a phase they'll grow out of it. I know you said you don't want earplugs but if your kids need you they'll come into your room at night.

MajesticallyAwkward · 09/03/2022 10:29

It sounds tough all round OP. I get your frustration, even if you casually mention 'how are you all doing? Sounds like you've been having a rough time with sleeping' there's no guarantee they'd make the connection you're being woken and if they do again they might not want or be able to do anything.

My DD was a rubbish sleeper until about 3 1/2, she'd wake up inconsolable for hours on end and nothing we did calmed her. If our neighbours weren't hard of hearing I'm sure they'd have thought we just left her to cry all night rather than being desperately doing anything we could to stop the crying (and dying from lack of sleep ourselves!). I did chat to them regularly and ask if the noise was bothering them, they always said they couldn't hear anything but I still took her downstairs if the crying wasn't stopping.

CaMePlaitPas · 09/03/2022 10:31

And you absolutely cannot go around to theirs and suggest they move their bedrooms around, if you did that to me you'd have the door shut in your face. I know you're tired but YABU, I'm sorry.

EricCartmansMagicalUnderpants · 09/03/2022 10:31

As the person that isn't causing a regular disturbance why should I rearrange my rooms when they could move their child to a room that isn't against a party wall

You shouldn't have to. The person causing the problem should deal with it.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 10:31

As mentioned I wouldn't have a go at them. It would be mentioned in passing to gently highlight that I'm aware he's up as I can hear him. Why does everyone assume that I'd be marching round to have a go? Not every neighbour is a confrontational asshole hence why I've tolerated it for so long.
I'm not going to say anything as I've already said earlier in the thread.

OP posts:
LottyD32 · 09/03/2022 10:34

@Persephonegoddess

OP you are getting a hard time, I get it. They could move the child to a room that has less impact on you then you wouldn't have to do anything..... why should you be kept awake by something outside your walls? All those saying it would stress you out if something was said, the OP is stressed through lack of sleep.... so why shouldn't she voice it?
100% this. They need to move their bedrooms around. It's not acceptable to disturb other households if its possible not to.
YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/03/2022 10:34

OP you are getting a hard time, I get it. They could move the child to a room that has less impact on you then you wouldn't have to do anything..... why should you be kept awake by something outside your walls? All those saying it would stress you out if something was said, the OP is stressed through lack of sleep.... so why shouldn't she voice it?

Exactly.

Crystalvas · 09/03/2022 10:35

@DaffodilDandilion

My DS has asd. As a toddler, like many toddlers, he didn’t sleep well. I’d always go to him when he woke up, I’d rock him and soothe him, but he would cry louder and louder for quite some time. My neighbours used to yell through the wall “shut that f*ing brat up”. It didn’t help anything, just made me more tense which probably prolonged his crying.
Sounds like you had a terrible time. If only people realised what goes on in the minds toddliers and the way they process the world around them, they may be more sympathetic.
cantbecoping · 09/03/2022 10:36

You cannot win can you OP? It's put up and shut up territory. It is an impossible situation, it really is.

I understand next door are probably doing the very best they can with their screaming toddler but I fully understand your frustration and upset with being woken up night after night by a child that isn't yours, I would lose my mind. I think those shaming you for feeling this way need a good bout of sleeplessness themselves caused by somebody else to see how utterly soul destroying it is. Your home is your haven, your castle and it where you are meant to be able to relax and get a night's sleep. That does affect a person's mental health to the detriment.
You can't win if you don't say something and it will carry on and you can't win if you do say something because they cannot stop it and then there is bad feeling between you. There are no winners.
I have no advice but I just wanted to say that I feel for you and I think you are getting a proper pasting on here for nothing but wanting a good nights sleep.
I really do hope it gets better for you soon.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 10:38

Thank you @cantbecoping

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/03/2022 10:39

Sounds like you had a terrible time. If only people realised what goes on in the minds toddliers and the way they process the world around them, they may be more sympathetic

Or they might be wondering how they are going to cope with yet another day feeling like hell warmed up, trying to make good decisions at work (maybe even in healthcare) or managing their own onerous caring duties...

KosherDill · 09/03/2022 10:47

@YetAnotherSpartacus

OP you are getting a hard time, I get it. They could move the child to a room that has less impact on you then you wouldn't have to do anything..... why should you be kept awake by something outside your walls? All those saying it would stress you out if something was said, the OP is stressed through lack of sleep.... so why shouldn't she voice it?

Exactly.

Agree.

You shouldn't have to suffer silently; they could move rooms or take him into theirs when he's crying.

extractorfactor · 09/03/2022 10:49

Haven't rft, so sorry if someone has already mentioned this but: Ear plugs won't stop you from hearing your own child. They muffle noise but they won't block it out completely. You can get foam ones which are very cheap, or the more expensive silicon ones which mould to a better shape. Hanging a large blanket over your wall will also help to muffle the noise, but may not be practical.

JudgeJ · 09/03/2022 11:07

@Mumofsend

It's 20 minutes and a toddler. You are being ridiculous.
Does the crying child need to be on the adjoining wall? I know that the MN view is that the world has to accept constantly crying babies as the norm but the neighbours could be less selfish by not using the party wall room. One would assume if the OP played loud music in their bedroom the parents letting their child cry would be complaining!
glittereyelash · 09/03/2022 11:13

You can't be sure they aren't going into the child. My son cried for hours every single day and night it regularly lasted five hours or more and there was absolutely nothing that calmed him. We paced around the house, rocked him,went for drives. I was sure somebody would call social services but our neighbours were unbelievably supportive. I know how hard it is listening to a crying child from the other side of the wall but it's hell on earth when it's your own child and nothing you do makes any difference.

Rinatinabina · 09/03/2022 11:16

Honestly they are not enjoying this either, my DD has had a horrible few nights and I am knackered. I get it, it’s really frustrating and it’s leaving you tired but I imagine they want it to stop too and are trying to make that happen.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/03/2022 11:17

@CaMePlaitPas

And you absolutely cannot go around to theirs and suggest they move their bedrooms around, if you did that to me you'd have the door shut in your face. I know you're tired but YABU, I'm sorry.
OP didn't say they'd do that but why couldn't someone mention in passing about the noise? Why is it some People’s child is allowed to keep neighbours up and not say anything or the parent of said child actually apologise for the noise. It's not just affecting the parents in this case.
yummychoccy · 09/03/2022 11:18

Please don't assume they're doing CIO. My toddler has been crying a lot at night lately as I've been night weaning him. I'm with him but he can cry for ages before going back to sleep. Also even if they are doing CIO it really isn't your place to say something to them!

elbea · 09/03/2022 11:19

You can’t assume they are using CIO, my toddler wakes up and cries. She cries more if we pick her up, we just sit with her until she calms back down. Even if they are, it is their choice.

yummychoccy · 09/03/2022 11:19

And just to add, our ndn did comment a couple of times about general noise from our house which basically made me very paranoid and wanting to avoid interacting with them too much in case they comment again! This was just the noise of general family life.

lalafam · 09/03/2022 11:25

One of our DC has night terrors. Nothing we do stops the crying. It goes on for around 20mins. All we can do is sit and stroke her hair. You don't know that this isn't the case here. I always worry about others hearing as it sounds like we are not dealing.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 09/03/2022 11:28

I think you're getting a really hard time here. Isn't being neighbours give and take and communication? We asked ours if they could hear our little one at night and apologised if it was noisy. Told them to let us know if they ever could hear him in the future and we'd do what we could about it.

Other neighbours have done the same with us, and asked if their children were disrupting us. Both where we live now and previous two places. Sometimes you genuinely don't know what neighbours can hear and how much it might disturb them.

I'd have no issue with someone popping round and saying the noise was really disruptive. I'd be mortified if the neighbours were silently so affected as to be thinking of moving, changing bedrooms, wearing earplugs etc. The onus is on those making the noise to do what they can to fix the issue

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