AIBU: asked to make scones, then called a feeder...

[Queenofscones]

I've name-changed for this. I'm sorry it's so long. I'm a member of a women's book group that has grown over the years to be more like a women's social group. We decided to celebrate the end of Covid regulations by renting a large self-catering house on the coast and having a long weekend of walking, talking, reading, yoga etc. There were 18 of us and the organiser asked various of us to each take responsibility for a meal. I was asked to provide scones for the afternoon we all arrived. No problem: I'm a decent home cook. Then about a week before we were due to go the organiser contacted me to say five of those attending were vegan, so could I provide something for them. I have a good vegan brownie recipe, so I added a batch of brownies to my to-do list.

Then at about three days notice the woman who was due to make Saturday night's supper went down with a cold that might have been Covid and I was asked to take over that, too, because apparently no one else was available (hmmm). She'd bought all the ingredients for veggie lasagne so I collected the ingredients from her and made and froze two big lasagnes. Then to cater for the vegans I made a separate vegan pasta dish.

I turned up early on the Friday afternoon and put out 18 scones and a dozen brownies for everyone. I knew I'd over-catered, but you never know
how much people will eat on these kind of occasions. They'd come out well and everyone enjoyed them.

That evening the woman tasked with cooking Friday night's meal got a bit overwhelmed and so I spent a couple of hours in the kitchen assisting and helped her serve up her Mexican feast (which was delicious). It became clear by Saturday that I'd been labelled the kitchen queen and also that about half the group weren't helping with the washing up or any aspect of the meals. They'd pick up a tea towel, dry a cup and then vanish, leaving what they called the 'kitchen crew' to pick up the slack.

On the Saturday, when we all came back from a long walk, I put the left-over scones and brownies out and several women ate them and then said things like 'You're going to make me fat!' I was the biggest person there: I'm a size 18-20. I began to feel really uncomfortable about the whole situation. That evening I served the lasagnes. They were particularly good (I don't always get things right) and everyone was very complimentary. One of them, who's extra-slim, came into the kitchen when others were around and thanked me for the food and said 'It's always great to have a feeder around at events like this because then the rest of us get to eat so well.' A couple of other people picked it up and wanted to pat me on the back for being a feeder. I said that I I thought the word 'feeder' was something thin people used to put down fat people and I'd prefer them not to use it. They insisted it was a compliment.

I came home feeling angry with myself for falling into the trap of taking so much of the food provision on to be helpful, and also with the women who'd enjoyed my food but then put me in my pace by calling me a feeder. To me the word carries a lot of condescension — as if they are above providing food and as if food isn't really important and it wouldn't have mattered if no one had bothered to organise meals.

I called the organisers yesterday and told them that I wouldn't be involved in the provision or preparation of food on any subsequent trips away. I said I felt that the division of labour had been unfair. They listened and agreed that too much of the responsibility for the food had fallen on just three of us, and they agreed that some women hadn't done their fair share of work and were as p*ed off as I was about it. But they said 'feeder' is a compliment, not an insult, and implied that it's my own weight issue that has made me unduly sensitive to the word.

It's doing my head in. Am I AIBU to be agree to feed people, then told I'm a feeder and feel insulted?

I'm finding it hard to articulate my feelings, but basically why does the fact that a woman can, if required, knock out a batch of scones or a lasagne mean that she is seen as the mothering type? That's not feminist, is it?

I think this is the nub of the issue then, isn't it? The others acting as though doing all that cooking was your heart's desire to care for them, rather than the truth which is that you stepped up to do a bloody hard job because it looked like no one else would otherwise.

Whether they got that impression through naivety/thoughtlessness or it's what they had to tell themselves to avoid feeling guilty about their own laziness, I couldn't say, but it's very annoying as it meant you didn't get any real acknowledgement for the enormous job you did.

I would say it's important to assert your boundaries next time, but it looks like you're already onto that anyway.

Obviously some people think it's a compliment and others don't, so take it as it was intended rather than feeling offended.

I wouldn't say it's a compliment exactly but I don't think it's a reference to the recipient's weight. Thin people can be feeders. So I'd say YABU to make that connotation, but YANBU to be annoyed at how much work you had to do in the first place (though I guess you could have just said 'no' at the time).

I agree, not a compliment. They may mean it as one but there are other ways to express it. I would be upset too

I wouldn't personally use the word "feeder" but I do believe it was a compliment. If they'd used the words "great cook" or "talented cook" I imagine you may have felt better about it.

It does seem though because of your cooking abilities some people have taken advantage of that to be lazy themselves. That was very rude of them.

Did you enjoy yourself though? If you did don't stop joining in but insist on a fairer set schedule of jobs.

I can understand how you feel about this OP. I think that feeder is negative - my understanding is it is someone who overfeeds others. If it was said to me I would take it negatively. I also would not see any attempt at thanks or praise of what I was cooking. The suggestion is that you want to feed them and they are almost indulging you by eating. My interpretation could be mixed up with my own weight issues.

Having said the abive, it may well be that it was intended as a compliment and it was just a poor choice of words. But the term, along with reluctance of other women to help, suggests a bit of pigeon holing and a suggestion that some of you were happy in the kitchen rather than a 'we are all in it together' approach.

I would be keen to see those who sat back this time in the kitchen next. And you should have your feet up.

Really not a compliment. Generally used in the context of disordered eating. Being called a great cook is a compliment, being called a feeder is not.

Feeder is a compliment. It’s a person who shows love through nurturing.

A feeder to me is that family member who insists on giving you more food even when you don’t want it. It implies that you are doing all this cooking because you just love to cater for and feed everyone rather than because you got stuck with it /asked to do it. It’s completely fair to point out that that is insulting.

Thank you, everyone, for helping me clarify my thoughts: I can feel some of my indignation evaporating immediately. It's been very helpful to know that others would have found the term 'feeder' insulting and useful to see how many other people don't understand the negative connotations.

I tend to think of being able to cook a bit like being able to drive. A vital life skill and you might as well learn to do it well because then it's more pleasurable and makes life better for everyone. But I don't live to drive or cook.

For those who've expressed concern about the financial side of things, I was fully reimbursed for all the ingredients so there was no cost other than time and a bit of gas/ electricity.

I've had a coffee-break chat with a work colleague who's a total foodie and holds fabulous supper parties and he says that it was the nature of the food that was the issue. He said that if I'd served tuna nicoise or cheese and crackers no one would have said anything. But because it was comfort food and because it was calorific, that laid me open to accusations of being a feeder and wanting to make them all fat. I think there's something in that.

And just to clarify, there were four, possibly five people who used the 'feeder' word when trying to compliment me. I think everyone else there thanked me in what felt like more appropriate language. It's very rewarding, knowing that people enjoy my food — I'm not ignoring that.

I wouldn't be upset at the comment but appreciate others could find it offensive.

Actually reading back the original post, as well.as Op saying at the time she thought it was an insult and not to call her that , the Organisers also later intimated that OP had an issue with the word because of her weight ....

"they said 'feeder' is a compliment, not an insult, and implied that it's my own weight issue that has made me unduly sensitive to the word."

Sorry this is not a group of 'friends' id want to associate with ..

I really wouldn't go again ...OP and id let them know why in no uncertain terms

I wonder though of the original person who should have been serving the calorific lasagnes would have been called the same...

I have seen it go from a dubious compliment (mother hen, carer) which i never cared for as it always had "little housewife woman" overtones to me....to an out and out nasty enabler remark. There's a noom ad at the moment where the girl who is using Noom says something like "I was lving with a feeder" as though she is blaming (or part blaming) someone else for her eating habits. The people who said it to you may not have meant anything by it but its not a "compliment" that i would use or feel good about receiving.

It would definitely be an insult around here. It implies forcing food on people that they otherwise wouldn't want & feeding them up, often with undertones of to make them fat. You're not wrong to be offended.

I do wonder if it's a regional thing for it to mean the opposite though 🤔

It's brought back a hidden memory of a TV show called Fat Girls and Feeders. Where (large) women were being fed by their (generally) skinny boyfriends. The feeders were all slim and it was a bit of a kink, the large ladies were fetishised by them. So all a bit weird
Anyone else remember that?!

Feeder is an awful comment and I would have been really insulted. I'm over weight and sounds like something a skinny person says to a fat person.

She could have easily thanked you for being an excellent cook.

Fat Girls and Feeders is what springs to mind for me too - a grim insight into abusive relationships where feeders exert control over their partners.

I think it's a horrible term and comes with connotations around body image and size which are uncomfortable.

It's an insult, used to refer to people who give more and more food to people who are already overweight.

It's a terrible sounding word, but I think they really did mean that you are a good and competent cook.

I'd be way more pissed off about is the implication that somehow that means I was happy to spend my whole time being a servant while they sat on their butts. Because at that point labeling you as a "feeder" seems to be a justification for letting you do all the work. Because obviously that's what you like to do.

I personally wouldn't mind doing a fair bit of the cooking for something like that as I am a good cook and enjoy it, but the other people doing the eating damn well better be doing the washing up.

Frankly I'd almost not want to go any more, I cannot imagine adults being so lazy and exploitative to people they are supposedly friendly with.

Do the "it's a compliment" people on here accept that using feeder is a problematic choice?

The person who called op a feeder coud have used a multitude of other ways to thank op, but they chose feeder. Whatever posters on here think about whether the person meant it as a compliment or not, it was a very poor choice, particularly when used about someone who is overweight. I am fat and a good cook and I would think the person saying that was negging me. That's not being hypersensitive, it's being realistic about how some people are.

Feeder originally was a term used for people who ‘feed’ others as a way of avoiding eating themselves- as PP have said, linked with eating disorders.
I view the term as an insult- as in i don’t have a normal relationship with food and have to make sure others eat as a way of managing may own uncomfortable feelings.
The issue for me is that you told them you found it insulting and they didn’t find a way of complimenting you that actually made you feel appreciated. Instead they continued to use it, invalidate your feelings relating to the word, and in using it almost interpreted that they were doing you a favour by letting you do all the work in the kitchen (because as a ‘feeder’ you clearly got pleasure from it .
YADNBU

The only time I've seen the term "feeder" used is when there's an overly generous family member pushing food onto someone - usually their child / adult child - and it's been meant in a lovingly mocking kind of way. "Oh bless my mother, she's such a feeder - do have some of this enormous cake she's packed for me!". So I wouldn't presume it's meant in a derogatory way, but it's not something I'd say to someone either - it's a poor compliment at best. Especially to someone who had done so much of the donkey work all weekend!

YANBU. Even before I’d read all your op I thought “feeder” was a very condescending term.
Lazy biggest really annoy me. I’ve been known to thrust a bottle of cleaner and cloth into their hands and say the tables and counters need cleaning. Thank you.