Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

[Curiousbananas]

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

Yikes. I've been here, I'm afraid. Spent a decade watching my friends all have babies - attended the baby showers and first baby meetings, kids parties, bought all the gifts etc. Only to watch them all fall off a cliff and find new mum friends.

The last straw for me was when the last of my then group of friends had her first, about 10 days after I had a life-saving hysterectomy and post-op complications. I was dealing with suddenly being infertile at 32 but I made sure to contact her and say congrats, ask for pictures etc., and organised a gift. She contacted me after I was discharged and said she'd felt I'd not really been joyful for her, and complained that so many people had given her plastic gifts which she'd been clear she didn't want, wooden ones only... not a word about what had happened to me. Not a single word.

I don't have friends with kids anymore. I may be extremely unlucky, but none of the ones I had have ever emerged from the baby bubble and I'd just had enough of having really shit friends. Friendship is a two way street and I found that too many people just felt that having a baby was a societal justification for treating others like ladies in waiting. That may be super harsh on new mums but honestly, after a decade of this? I was done.

@lap90

You're under no obligation to 'hang in there'. You are putting in a lot of effort into your friendships and not receiving the bare minimum back.

This. They are shit, self absorbed friends. It doesn't take a second to ask someone who they know has been through a tough time how they are.

After the first couple of my friends had babies and didn't understand why I wasn't pandering to them (maybe because I was trying to get out of an abusive relationship, deal with the fallout of being nearly killed by abusive partner and train as a doctor) I decided that life was too short and ditched them. They did turn up a few years later expecting me to be there to entertain them when they wanted a child free night. But it was too late.

@womaninatightspot

My babies were not good sleepers and I bf so nights were on me. If you have patience they come out the other side after a year ot two and are desperate to rediscover themselves IME

Yes, it's hard to describe the sheer horror of the non-sleeping baby, especially after other people think it should be getting easier -- I was so tired at one point I was hallucinating that the floor shadows were talking to me. I once put a jug of milk outside the back door and tried to put the cat into the fridge.

If, at that point, someone had offered me ten hours of uninterrupted sleep if I swore never to see any of my friends again, ever, I would have accepted without thinking twice.

If their babies were 6 weeks I would say YABU but given that they are 6 months YANBU.

Were these "friends" quite self absorbed before they had babies?

Having a baby should absolutely not mean you don't ask your friends how they are. Their babies may be the centre of their world but they aren't actually the centre of the real world and these friends need to acknowledge that.

Give them a few years ! It’s a totally weird experience esp first time
They will be back
Promise

You're being very unreasonable and you're going to have a vey big shock when you have your own baby to look after.
When you have a child, you realise what's important in life, who's worth having around your child and where you spend your time.
After having a baby, particularly during maternity leave, your life will be 100% about keeping that baby happy and healthy. That's your priority and that's what comes first - not going out for a coffee when a friend expects it.
Your socialisation is on their terms at their house because THEY have a baby. Once you have one, you'll understand how difficult it is to just leave the house most days.
You sound a little needy - perhaps that's why they aren't making a massive effort to reach out to you.
There's no such thing as an 'initial adjustment '. Things don't go back to pre-baby life once you get used to being a parent. You're forever different. Perhaps your friends have grown apart from you because of this?
Please don't expect them to socialise with you without their small babies. That's so selfish. Why would they leave their babies if they don't have to?
As for the 'good practice' comment, playing with your friend's baby is NOTHING like having your own.
I appreciate you might be lonely and missing your friends, but they have bigger things to think about, and you're going to be eating a LOT of humble pie once yours comes along.

Here’s how it went with me.

Person “how are things”
Me “blaaaaaaaah blah blah blah blah (and repeat, with them asking questions in between.

Me (maybe about half an hour later when my head is out of my arse) So, how are you?

Perhaps because we had a lot more than standard new baby stuff with her being premature there was a lot to answer with “how are you”.

It still happens now sometimes because of all the stuff with her disability.

But, in my defence, most people, even when I ask how they are, just say “I’m fine”

I think wait until your own baby is born before you can have perspective on your own question! I don’t necessarily disagree with you, but everyone experiences motherhood differently, and all babies are different. You honestly feel like you’re in an alternate universe to start with. It doesn’t mean your friends aren’t thinking of you - sometimes there is literally no brain space or energy to actually type that message.

Think you might need new friends. Its not you but the relationships seem very one sided. You do a lot for them and they don't do much for you. You sound lovely and thoughtful but maybe they feel its a bit intense...I'm not sure all this is baby related. Thats the way people can be..a lot of friendships are transactional. People take what they need but don't necessarily return it. maybe don't invest or expect so much from friendship...I'm afraid to say. Just see them as an opportunity to socialise and take what you need in future friendships. Lots of friendships based on new babies are very much like this...in my experience. They also change, evolve and move on a lot from here on in....

@GirlOfTudor

You're being very unreasonable and you're going to have a vey big shock when you have your own baby to look after. When you have a child, you realise what's important in life, who's worth having around your child and where you spend your time. After having a baby, particularly during maternity leave, your life will be 100% about keeping that baby happy and healthy. That's your priority and that's what comes first - not going out for a coffee when a friend expects it. Your socialisation is on their terms at their house because THEY have a baby. Once you have one, you'll understand how difficult it is to just leave the house most days. You sound a little needy - perhaps that's why they aren't making a massive effort to reach out to you. There's no such thing as an 'initial adjustment '. Things don't go back to pre-baby life once you get used to being a parent. You're forever different. Perhaps your friends have grown apart from you because of this? Please don't expect them to socialise with you without their small babies. That's so selfish. Why would they leave their babies if they don't have to? As for the 'good practice' comment, playing with your friend's baby is NOTHING like having your own. I appreciate you might be lonely and missing your friends, but they have bigger things to think about, and you're going to be eating a LOT of humble pie once yours comes along.

@GirlOfTudor some mums want to leave their baby though to have a couple of drinks and a catch up with mates. Leave baby with their dad or grandparents. Not all women want to be surgically attached to their babies for months on end

@Erinyes that sounds very tough. It sound like for you it wasn’t possible to keep up with friends very much , you didn’t have a choice in the matter which is different to the scenario that OP describes

@GirlOfTudor

You're being very unreasonable and you're going to have a vey big shock when you have your own baby to look after. When you have a child, you realise what's important in life, who's worth having around your child and where you spend your time. After having a baby, particularly during maternity leave, your life will be 100% about keeping that baby happy and healthy. That's your priority and that's what comes first - not going out for a coffee when a friend expects it. Your socialisation is on their terms at their house because THEY have a baby. Once you have one, you'll understand how difficult it is to just leave the house most days. You sound a little needy - perhaps that's why they aren't making a massive effort to reach out to you. There's no such thing as an 'initial adjustment '. Things don't go back to pre-baby life once you get used to being a parent. You're forever different. Perhaps your friends have grown apart from you because of this? Please don't expect them to socialise with you without their small babies. That's so selfish. Why would they leave their babies if they don't have to? As for the 'good practice' comment, playing with your friend's baby is NOTHING like having your own. I appreciate you might be lonely and missing your friends, but they have bigger things to think about, and you're going to be eating a LOT of humble pie once yours comes along.

As a mum, I disagree with all of this. Just so you know OP. We don't all feel like this at all.

I really value my friendships, baby or not. And as for what's important in life- so many things are important, friends included. That didn't all change for me as soon as I had a baby.

I am not saying this mum is wrong and I'm right.

But we are not all the same and I never felt like this.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Give them a few years ! It’s a totally weird experience esp first time They will be back Promise

People shouldn't have to put their lives on hold like that. Of course, if they want to, then fine, but even childless women have shit to deal with and the one way friendships get very wearing.

I decided, after the experience of the first couple of friends to have babies, that being friends with pregnant women just wasn't worth my time and my effort anymore. So I didn't bother. I filled my life with friends with older children or no children.

You know what maybe they are shit friends
You know best op

Honestly I barely functioned in the first year, and I am hoping this was because I had a demanding baby rather than me being a shit person (I have friends who had much more laid back babies). Luckily most of my friends had been through it so understood. See how you feel once you have a little one, you might find it easier to build back those relationships once you are on the same page.

@GirlOfTudor

You're being very unreasonable and you're going to have a vey big shock when you have your own baby to look after. When you have a child, you realise what's important in life, who's worth having around your child and where you spend your time. After having a baby, particularly during maternity leave, your life will be 100% about keeping that baby happy and healthy. That's your priority and that's what comes first - not going out for a coffee when a friend expects it. Your socialisation is on their terms at their house because THEY have a baby. Once you have one, you'll understand how difficult it is to just leave the house most days. You sound a little needy - perhaps that's why they aren't making a massive effort to reach out to you. There's no such thing as an 'initial adjustment '. Things don't go back to pre-baby life once you get used to being a parent. You're forever different. Perhaps your friends have grown apart from you because of this? Please don't expect them to socialise with you without their small babies. That's so selfish. Why would they leave their babies if they don't have to? As for the 'good practice' comment, playing with your friend's baby is NOTHING like having your own. I appreciate you might be lonely and missing your friends, but they have bigger things to think about, and you're going to be eating a LOT of humble pie once yours comes along.

Bloody hell, entitled much? I'm glad you're not a friend of mine.

Also... so those of us without kids don't know what's important in life, do we not? I'll try and remember that next time I get 5 mins off from caring for my elderly mother having done the same for my father a few years ago.

OP I think YANBU. The world does not revolve around babies and those who have them. And plenty of people are capable of being parents and good/unselfish friends at the same time.

Sorry but your friends sound selfish.

I have a baby and a toddler, yes I'm tired and easily distracted when they are around but I am able to have conversations that aren't about children, can go out with my friends and do fun things and I am still a good friend to them.

I'm going away for the weekend in May to celebrate a big birthday and I can't wait to spend time with my girls!

You sound a really lovely person but I would take a little step back and stop bending over backwards for them x

I’m sure I wasn’t the best friend in the first 6-7 months with my first, but thankfully my friends excused me for a bit, even those with no children. My bf first refused bottles so it was about 10mo till I could leave him in the evening. And I found it hard to really focus on a conversation with a friend while also caring for him.
Soon as I could get out (10-12mo) I made proper time for my friends and we’ve been strong ever since (12yrs).
It’s difficult but if they’re good long term friends I’d excuse them 6-7 months of self absorption.

leave baby with their dad or grandparents

Unfortunately we don't all either of these options

Don't all have*

After having a baby, particularly during maternity leave, your life will be 100% about keeping that baby happy and healthy. That's your priority and that's what comes first - not going out for a coffee when a friend expects it.
Your socialisation is on their terms at their house because THEY have a baby. Once you have one, you'll understand how difficult it is to just leave the house most days.

It’s really bad that we encourage new mothers to surrender absolutely everything of themselves to motherhood. My baby didn’t get 100% of me when I was on maternity leave. I’d have been a pretty shit mother if she had because I’d have left nothing for myself or the other relationships in my life. Babies don’t need 100% of their mothers. They don’t need their mothers to sacrifice absolutely every single tiny little thing for them. They need to be the priority, yes, but priority doesn’t mean literally everything. They do well with healthy mothers with rounded lives, who make them their priority but aren’t martyrs to motherhood.

Lo and behold, I have a bright, happy and healthy child who has a wonderful bond with me, but also her father and our wider family and friends. And I didn’t lose my friends, health, relationships or career.

Agree wholeheartedly with @SecretSpAD. Plus in many cases, the friends don’t actually come back, so that “promise” doesn’t mean much… 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MabelsApron have seen your posts on other threads and just want to send you

Whether baby can be left so the mum can have some child free time is just one aspect surely.

My very clingy bottle (and sleep) refusing child has meant I've had very few nights out child free in 3 years! Absolutely crazy.

But I've had friends round whilst baby/toddler is in bed, and even if my child is present, it has never meant she is the only topic of conversation. Or we can meet in the day when it's easier.

And if meeting up doesn't work, thank goodness for WhatsApp.

I wasn't willing to leave my child with her (perfectly competent and willing) father, if it meant hours of crying and vomitting, but it didn't mean that conversation needed to be just about her.

I've a 4 month old with severe cmpa and reflux and I also have a friend who is having the worst pregnancy and I message her every so often to check up on her. I might not have had the head space to do so in the first six weeks though, so it all depends how old their babies are