Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

[Curiousbananas]

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

I struggled to remember my own name or stand up without falling over due to exhaustion at that point. There was nothing in my head beyond cry, cry, cry, shit, cry, cry cry, scream, scream, what the fuck have I done, oh god, she's crying again, fuck, I can't do this, cry, cry, SCREAM, SHRIEK, shit, pain, so much fucking pain, what the fuck did they do to me, how could they start a section without checking the anaesthetic had taken, SHRIEK, CRY, PUKE, CRY from the baby, I WANT TO DIE.

So no, how are you would have been way beyond my capabilities.

@ihavetogoshoppingnow

Having a newborn and adjusting to motherhood is completely overwhelming but you’re not being unreasonable to expect your friends to care. Have you brought this up to them? They might just be oblivious to how you’re feeling, sometimes when you’re in a bubble and you don’t see what’s going on around you. Are you expecting them to know you’ve had things go on and are struggling or have you communicated it and they’ve not been helpful? It’s hard when friendships become or feel one sided but I think the only way to get through it is to talk to them about how you’re feeling, it will either resolve things or it will blow up but if you carry on like you are you’re going to grow more resentful and the friendship will suffer anyway

They do know what's been going on with me. I suppose I could say more about how i'm feeling without being asked and bring it up with them. I've felt nervous to ask anything of them in the early months and one of the reasons I was posting was to see if it would be reasonable for me to do so now. I can see my thread has been pretty divisive with about a 50/50 split in the votes, but mostly kind and supportive comments. Thanks to everyone who has take a minute to reply to me, whatever your opinion x

[quote uptonogoode]@babyhaha you sound like a shit friend [/quote]
@uptonogoode how🤣 when I’ve had a traumatic birth and three surgeries, my friends are hardly going to come first are they?! Or was I meant to prioritise seeing/checking up on my friends, recover from surgery and adjust to having less than 3hrs of sleep a night all at the same time? I think not.

Good thing my friends visited when they can and were happy with the set up as I was going through a massive change. Also a good thing that I’m not friends with any of you in real life!

I am a mother of two. I went back to work when my children were 8 weeks old as I was self employed, my work involved dealing with other people's problems for a living. I certainly made time for my friends and asked them about how they were, I recall a couple lost parents at that time. I think that for some people the think they were the first person on the planet ever to have a baby and that everyone else is consumed with the child as they are.

@stuntbubbles

Your friends are shit. Absolutely shit. Fucking hell, what a way to talk about women. At six months DD woke hourly through the night, and woke the minute I left the room so I never got an evening, just a dark room with her from 7pm, like having a newborn again; she was teething relentlessly, had just learned to crawl a month prior so was now FAST so I never got to sit down, starting to wean so everything was covered in fucking hummus, would only nap outside in the sling. DP had a 2.5-hour commute each way so wasn’t around to support. I was at a seriously low ebb and about 2 stone underweight, I was prescribed sertraline and it gave me a mental health crisis that made me suicidal; I did not have the capacity to be a good friend at that point, not even to ask “how are you”. But by your judgment, I was shit.

None of us know what’s going on with OP’s friends, none of us can say they’re “shit”. Yes it’s bloody tough for OP to feel she’s lost her friends, but they will return. And possibly when they do, OP will be deep in new motherhood and also having a hard time.

For what it's worth, you don't sound anything like my friends. You sound like you didn't have anyone to help and you had a really tough time. I wouldn't be surprised if my friends were having the experience you had and couldn't ask how I was, at all. My friends aren't having mental health crises (I ask a lot), they are sleep deprived but are able to get out for coffees and groups with other mums and babies, and to go away for weekends with their partners etc, and they have partners who work from home do a lot of the care. I don't think you sound shit at all, you sound like you had it really tough and if I were your friend, i'd have been trying to help. I hope you are through the worst of it now. Thank you for commenting x

@NeverDropYourMooncup

I struggled to remember my own name or stand up without falling over due to exhaustion at that point. There was nothing in my head beyond cry, cry, cry, shit, cry, cry cry, scream, scream, what the fuck have I done, oh god, she's crying again, fuck, I can't do this, cry, cry, SCREAM, SHRIEK, shit, pain, so much fucking pain, what the fuck did they do to me, how could they start a section without checking the anaesthetic had taken, SHRIEK, CRY, PUKE, CRY from the baby, I WANT TO DIE.

So no, how are you would have been way beyond my capabilities.

This was literally me!! On top of recovering from three surgeries, there was no mind space to ask how anyone was doing. My friends had to contact my mum to see why we were in hospital for so long and what was happening, it was that bad. Then coming out and dealing with PND for how many months. But according to posters here, I’m a shit friend🤣 I was barely surviving let alone finding the time to be anyone’s friend!

My friends aren't having mental health crises (I ask a lot), they are sleep deprived but are able to get out for coffees and groups with other mums and babies, and to go away for weekends with their partners etc, and they have partners who work from home do a lot of the care.

Then this is just a completely different kettle of fish altogether tbh

i dont think you are being unreasonable at all - and i feel your pain because the exact same happened to me.

Complete lack fo interest in my life whats so ever, even when going througha miscarriage at the same time my friend was pregnant.

To then be yelled at and accussed of being a shitty friend for making no effort with new baby when arrived even though i had intiated every bit of contact, and was tryign to deal with an over anxious new mum during covid restrictions - yet i still didnt do enough.

Being a new mum doesnt mean you suddenly have to start being a shitty person - and i am saying this whilst pregnant myself now.

I'm currently in hospital with my very seriously ill toddler, and have been for weeks. I'm having far less sleep than I ever did when she was tiny, and what I manage is on a ward, in semi darkness, with other toddlers and unwell babies. The sleep I had as a newborn was plentiful and restful in comparison to now, and my days are preoccupied by worry.

I still am interested in my friends lives, ask about thier crisisis etc. Your friends sound totally self absorbed.

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

It's very common for new mothers to be totally,  exclusively focussed on nothing except the new centre of the Universe; the   miracle they gave birth to.  They are overtaken by  an innate hormonally driven instinctive  irresistible  compulsion.

Ask any new father .

YANBU to feel a bit hurt and want more from your friends. At the same time, 6-7 months is still quite early days and I found my babies did still absorb all of my attention at that point. I had to make a huge huge effort to be interested in other people.

So, fair enough for you to want your friends' to show more interest in you and ask for that, but it's also understandable that they haven't spontaneously done so.

Good luck with your pregnancy and here's hoping that your friends will rally round when the baby arrives.

You sound like a really great friend to them and I wish I had someone like you!!!
The first year with a baby is super tough and all time consuming. Particularly between the ages of 3.5 and 9mo. My baby was a Particularly bad sleeper so I was getting like 3 or 4 hrs broken sleep each night and he was only napping for about 30mins unless I held him. Once they turn 6mo they start eating food so that's a whole new lot of tasks to fit into your day. Sitting up and crawling also means you can't really leave them for long to get on with things. I would be looking after the baby all day long then when he went to bed would make dinner and prep his food for the next day, hang out whatever laundry I hat put on like 10hrs earlier and try to be in bed asleep by 9pm. I also breast fed (he wouldn't take a bottle) so I don't think I made it out to dinner or brunch with a friend until he was about 1yo. I'm much more sociable now he is 18mo and I'm back to work.
The only time I have to message friends and organise things is during work time 😆
They will be back on the radar in a few months xx

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Only if you have PND or a really specific set of circumstances (perhaps a seriously ill child, single parent, zero support). Otherwise the likelihood is the only reason you would become as self absorbed as these women are is if you were incredibly self absorbed to start with.

Sorry, your friends sound like self-obsessed brats and you deserve better. When my friend had her baby and I went to see her in hospitall, even then she asked me how my gran was (she knew she had been ill the previous month), and she has remained a person as well as a mum. We enjoy times with her son, and also times when her husband enjoys some boys-only time with him and we go off and do girl things! They are pathetic!

I remember feeling so overwhelmed, I lost huge chunks of my memory, things I did before baby was born. Lost the ability to think and string a sentence together.

It took me way more than 6/7 months to think about much more than keeping my head above water and my baby alive! Totally takes over your brain. I think you sound like a lovely friend. Hang in there, cut them some slack as they will return and laugh about it one day..in the meantime cultivate your non-mum friends and other sources of support. Bear in mind also, they might surprise you and respond well if you say more clearly how you feel - some might not have really heard you, through the baby-fog.

Life with a baby isn't that busy (I've had 2) and only takes a minute to send a 'how are you' message. I'd be hurt if I was you OP.

It sounds like you've had a tough year, and your friends could have been a bit more thoughtful. But if said "Hope you're doing ok?" I would consider that to be asking how they were, and inviting them to tell me if they aren't.

And I wouldn't necessarily have arranged a baby free catch up unless they asked. So I probably shouldn't be pointing the finger at your friends really .

They might come back on the radar later and laugh about it “tee hee silly me with my baby brain, no wonder women returning to the work place from maternity leave can’t get taken seriously” but that doesn’t erase the fact they weren’t there when the OP needed support (after she’s been what sounds like a perfect friend). I wouldn’t be able to get over that.

@bumpytrumpy

I think you should take a step back because when you do have your baby I really do not think these women are going to be batch cooking and supporting you in an equal way. If you can see yourself being upset by that it might be better to step back sooner rather than later.

I certainly won't expect it in return from people who are mums. I just did it because I was fortunate to have time to cook. I understand they probably wont x

I don't know why you are complaining. I have had two children years ago, at the same time as a few of my friends did. I didn't need any support at all, when I had babies, I didn't need anyone to be asking how I was, I didn't need anyone to be cooking for me,or giving me time to rest, and all the rest.. All friends who had had babies then, were just like me, and got on with everything, and nobody complained about the issues that seem to be annoying you.

Everyone was in the same boat with new Motherhood, no time to be prattling on about who does what, who should be wanting any attention or who should be saying this and that.

YANBU.

Although I can go months without speaking to even my closest friends. I just don't need the contact.

It varies from one woman to another. Someone I know talks about absolutely nothing now except her 18 month old. Seriously. It's draining but I try to be supportive, friendships to ebb and flow over time and she needs more from me than I need from her right now. That will probably change over the course of the friendship.

@StEval

Op the face you are presenting to them is that you are fine. You have batch cooked , been there, gifts and offered to look after their babies.

Why would they ask if you were ok if they didnt have a reason to think otherwise?
Maybe time to dial back the perfect friend stuff and just be yourself.
Im in the " its too much" camp.
I would fine it all quite overwhelming to have people popping up with food etc

I hear you, and I might too. I don't ever 'pop'. I go when i'm invited. I always ask if they'd like me to bring some food if I have it. Its the not seeming interested in my life I'm unsure about.

Honestly, six months in, I was still a sleep-deprived mess. My DH and I were still adjusting to being parents. Our marriage was still adapting to what it meant to have to keep a tiny human alive, fed, clothed, etc.

I would go out to meet friends for coffee or lunch but I'd have the baby with me. Did I ask how friends were? Yy but I wasn't as engaged as pre-baby because I was so physically exhausted I couldn't think straight and part of my brain was always focused on whether my baby was breathing/choking/sleeping/sliding out of their car seat restraints/at risk of a stranger accidentally bumping them, etc.

Your friends are coping with all of that and a pandemic and media full of stories about a possible WW3. Honestly, it's a miracle they're functioning at all.