Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

[Curiousbananas]

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

You're under no obligation to 'hang in there'.
You are putting in a lot of effort into your friendships and not receiving the bare minimum back.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Yes, you will probably be 'suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives.'

It's not inexplicable, (some) babies consume your every waking moment for quite a long time. When that period is over, you have very little to talk about that isn't babies because you haven't been doing anything else. Trying to talk to other people about what they're doing in their normal non-baby lives seems like trying to chat to someone who lives in a place you have moved away from.

You might be lucky enough to get a baby who is easy and get through birth and the aftermath easily enough. Or you might have a tough time and decide you have to spend all your energy on your baby.

I'm a mum to a 16MO DS. In the first year especially I've had very little interest or energy to maintain friendships and check in on child-free friends. I spend a lot of time socialising with mum friends in the week and when it comes to my free time I just want to spend it with my DH or alone enjoying blissful silence.

One of my good friends lost his long term partner to cancer a week after my DS was born. I felt awful for him and attended the funeral with a tiny baby in my arms. I didn't have the capacity to provide emotional support though.

If you were my friend then I would be grateful of the support and would look to do as much as I could for you when your baby arrived. It will be a while until I feel that my free time is best spent having a chinwag with a friend on a precious evening though, but I've always had limited social stamina.

YANBU it’s pure selfishness. As soon as friends start behaving like this, usually during their incredibly special and unique pregnancy journey, I don’t make an effort to contact them anymore.

I have my own DC so I know what the baby phase is like.

I would dial back on the providing food.
Its rather odd to still be doing that 6/7 months down the line.
Im pretty sure they are capable of cooking for themselves.
It sort of implies they cant cope.
By 6 months most people are getting into a good routine and back at work at 9 months.
The over helpful friend would get on my nerves.

I'd wait until you have your baby and I think you'll maybe understand a little more. Being a first time mum is hard and it really does take months. Your whole world becomes consumed by your child and sometimes your head is too frazzled to even string a message together. Also I do think your friends drop down in your priorities a bit and especially friends who don't also have kids because you don't have as much in common with them at the time

You need to be prepared for things not to change. What most new mums don’t realise is that things don’t get any easier as kids get older. Some aspects of childcare do, but they are replaced by other new things that you also then have to juggle with being at work.

If they don’t have time for you now they probably won’t ever really make the efforts again I’m afraid.

I’d perhaps start focusing on yourself a bit more, congratulations on your pregnancy. Make sure to make yourself some friends with babies sane she as yours too so you’re not the one playing catch up all the time. Good luck

@TheYearOfSmallThings

It sounds like you've had a tough year, and your friends could have been a bit more thoughtful. But if said "Hope you're doing ok?" I would consider that to be asking how they were, and inviting them to tell me if they aren't.

And I wouldn't necessarily have arranged a baby free catch up unless they asked. So I probably shouldn't be pointing the finger at your friends really .

For example... It's more a long text with baby did this, baby does that, I feel like this, partner thinks this, today i've been for coffee with xyz and then went to baby signing with Z and then a sign off, 'thanks for checking in, hope you're doing ok'. no question mark, so no I don't see it as a genuine attempt to see how I am.

I am actually doing ok now. I wasn't a couple of months ago. Its just that there doesn't seem to be any genuine interest in me or keeping up our friendship from their side, and I wanted to know if that was normal/IABU, or if it's odd at this stage. All invites are for me to go to their house, and I either have the babies (who I love), or we both sit with the baby and talk about the baby. Once a week or so. I've been very happy to do this, but recently i've begun to wonder, do we ever get to genuinely talk about my life too again, or AIBU to expect this :).

I haven't read every post, but my son was born a micro premie, very ill, in hospital for 3 months, my life changed over night. I needed my friends a lot, I'd go to every lunch date, I'd meet them in their lunch break for a coffee, baby in tow (obviously after he came home). He wasn't an easy baby either but everything in my life changed so much so seeing my friends made me feel a little bit like my old self. It gave me a reason to get my nice clothes on, put some make up on and just be me again.

I think your friends are pretty rubbish to be honest.
I have had 2 kids and I would like to think both times I never lost myself. I have had friends that happened too and it’s affected their mental health.

Just make a conscious effort when baby is asleep on you or your feeding to send a message it only takes a few seconds.

You will understand soon enough.

Some women seem to cope with the transition to motherhood better than others. Having a supportive partner, lots of family support and money helps, as does stable mental health and a secure childhood.

No one finds it easy.

Mild YABU because judging a friendship by the way texts are worded is a bit of a bad idea, “I hope you’re ok” vs “how are you” to me there’s not much in between those.

I raise an eyebrow at the fact they’re going to mum and baby groups and socialising etc and not keeping up with you though, I think that’s crappy of them. You sound like a good friend who has been through a lot and deserves support back.

Well, what a divided response. Thanks for all who commented and especially to everyone who said kind things about me and offered condolences, thank you, and thank you to those who congratulated me on my pregnancy. I'm really excited and also terrified of another loss, which I know is normal.

My key takeaways and reflections are.

• I love my friends and our very reciprocal relationship pre babies suggests this may just be a phase and I understand that, so whilst I may back off slightly, I won't abandon the friendships right now.
• I shouldn't take it personally yet.
• But, If I am worried it's personal, I am free to ask.
• Some people don't like it when others cook them food! Thankfully, my friends are always very, very grateful and I know they still appreciate it as they don't make time to cook, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it anymore.
• Some mums really struggle and don't have any support. This is awful and If I could see this was my friends experience, I'd expect far less. Thankfully this isn't the experience of my close friends. They've both had the support of very hands on and loving partners, their parents and friends (inc me) do a lot for them,
• However, this doesn't mean the sleep deprivation isn't consuming them. Maybe things will change when they find more of a groove with sleep in years to come.

Thanks again x

@Tortabella

You will understand soon enough.

Some women seem to cope with the transition to motherhood better than others. Having a supportive partner, lots of family support and money helps, as does stable mental health and a secure childhood.

No one finds it easy.

My friends have all of these things and seem pretty well adjusted, other than the not making time to cook yet and the sleep deprivation, which I try to support. If this weren't the case and they were like the ladies you paint a picture of here, I wouldn't be asking this. x

You will understand soon enough.

That's rather patronising. I have plenty of friends without children who understand how I might have been feeling when I had newborns.

They gave me what I needed at the time (space, help, support, understanding, accommodating a shift in the friendship), but I really, really hope I was never so lost in my own world to lose sight of the value of those friendships and was able to give something back.

In time the friendship reequilibrates and carries on.

This never happened to me when my friends had kids. Maybe your friends are just selfish or they don't like you that much?

The 'ladies I paint a picture of here' are hardly unusual.
But I wish you luck!

do we ever get to genuinely talk about my life too again, or AIBU to expect this

They're not even a year in. It probably feels endless to them at this point too.

6/7 months is a really hard stage and I had friends I didn't want to see at that stage because I was a mess and though I loved them they have always been had work ,and I felt too vulnerable to be around them at that point. I'm no longer close to one of those (previously lifelong) friends because she made a big deal of that at the time and was quite unkind and I just don't think she appreciated how much she was hitting me when I was down.

I would never have accepted that much help from my friends though, sounds like you've been quite present and if they are socialising with you they're probably up to sending the odd message - but even people in very fortunate circumstances can be derailed by months and months of sleep deprivation, birth injuries they still haven't fully recovered from, the psychological effects, the change on their relationship if they have a partner. I tried to keep up with my friends but my child was a sleepless demon and it was relentless. Any time I sat down and might have messaged I was more likely to sleep, or text my mum, or deal with something urgent and neglected.

I think you'll understand more once your baby is born. They are acting selfishly - they've accepted a lot of help from you and withdrawn the emotional support you expect in return - but I can't really blame them that much honestly.

theorigrights it's not meant to be patronising, it's a massive shift for some women, and their circumstances - health, support, baby's temperament, sleep, birth experience - can mean it's very hard for them to smile and carry on with friends.

I genuinely don't think that anyone can understand what it's like until they have children. I remember feeling a bit like the OP at times, as if I'd been abandoned, before I had kids, and afterwards I understood better what new mothers had gone through. The thing about babies is that for a long time it's not about you, anymore, it's about the baby. They take over everything. Some women find that hard.

OP, are these friends back at work?

It's not something I've ever noticed, we all managed to chat about whatever we wanted most of the time

I think it's disappointing that you've had bereavements and they haven't been asking how you are. It might be that they're sleep-deprived and their brains are full, but I don't blame you for feeling upset about it. Can you talk to them a bit more about how you're feeling OP? Just tell them how you are even if they're signing off by saying 'hope you're well!'. Hopefully, they might get the message that you need your friends too. Or do what most people do and start by talking about yourself lol.

YABU to expect new mums to mother you. They've got enough on their plates.
If you want more attention, explicitly ask for it. Their new mental load means you're not on their radar, and that's quite normal.

It's a thorny topic but you read quite a few threads on here from women with teenagers who are becoming independent saying they haven't got any friends and wondering what to do with their time which is kind of the natural conclusion of some of this.

We are all different, so some women are very sociable and outgoing and others are naturally more introverted. A baby can make it easier to lean into the latter. Often my more sociable friends will make more effort, they want being a mother to be one side to them, not the thing which defines them or they are a little bored to spend all the time with their baby/partner.

Then some women 'take to' motherhood more easily, or have an easier child, so that has a big impact too. You see it in women all the time, some look like they have everything under control and just popped off for six months like it was a world cruise, and others like it's the hardest thing they've ever done (for quite a few years). If your friends are more in the latter camp then subjectively for them it may be very challenging to think beyond the next feed or sleep.

The level of 'help' from any partner is crucial too imo.