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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

271 replies

Curiousbananas · 08/03/2022 11:59

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 08/03/2022 16:02

@RobotValkyrie

YABU to expect new mums to mother you. They've got enough on their plates. If you want more attention, explicitly ask for it. Their new mental load means you're not on their radar, and that's quite normal.
FFS, they are not NEW Mums. Their babies are 6 or 7 months old. Hard obviously, but it's not like they've just given birth.

OP is NOT expecting to be Mothered, she's asking whether she is being unreasonable to think her good friends should be able to ask her how she is.

BobbinHood · 08/03/2022 16:06

@RobotValkyrie

YABU to expect new mums to mother you. They've got enough on their plates. If you want more attention, explicitly ask for it. Their new mental load means you're not on their radar, and that's quite normal.
How is a pregnant woman who has suffered a miscarriage and bereavement asking for her friends to give a tiny bit of a shit about her asking to be “mothered”?

These same women will probably be whinging later that they don’t have any friends any more, or can’t get a job anymore, or don’t have any lives outside their children anymore - because they made it that way by alienating everyone and everything else in their lives with their selfishness. It’s not normal, they are not good friends.

Mydogmylife · 08/03/2022 16:06

@babyhaha

I had my first baby last May and it's only now where I've started to find energy to even message my friends saying stuff like 'how have you been/what's new etc.' I had a traumatic birth with three surgeries but even if I didn't, I still don't think I would have had the energy to message my friends and check up on them as normal.

Since have my baby, I've been the same. I rarely see my friends and when I do it's on my terms, in my house etc. I never try and go out for a coffee or whatever because it's just not a priority to me. As I've said, it's only now where my DC is nearly 1 that I've finally found a balance where I can still be social and be a mum. It is hard though and I can totally understand you still expect your friends to be there for you how they used to be but sometimes it's just not possible for a good little while. Sorry to hear about your loses and congratulations with the pregnancy🙌

I hope you still have some friends there when you decide you feel it's time to be social
Nsky · 08/03/2022 16:12

For someone who had good and sleeping babies, one special needs, I had some time for others.
Menopause far worse, extreme sleep deprivation, worked full time, live on my own, that was something else!
Went on for years too
Your friends are selfish

StEval · 08/03/2022 16:14

Op the more you describe this dynamic the more your actions seem at odds with what you need.
You are still supporting your friends fairly heavily ( food, baby minding) 6 or so months in when I would expect them to be managing this themselves.
Yet you do this despite not feeling great/ needing support and dont tell them how you feel?
You are giving them the message that you are FINE and its quite PA to then say they dont ask.
Its also a self harming behaviour to excessively support others when you are in need of support yourself.

DespairingHomeowner · 08/03/2022 16:24

I think you are seriously over-giving to these friends, & this may create a dynamic where they feel entitled to be selfish/lose respect for you

The cooking, babysitting etc - I’d expect family or partner to help with this or they can cope themselves. A single parent of twins/more with no family maybe … otherwise you are setting yourself up as the maid & won’t get anything like what you’ve put in back

Solosunrise · 08/03/2022 16:24

I think this is sad. You hear of mums feeling isolated when they have babies. It's time to lean into friendships, not pull away.
Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! Babies are a lot of fun (I had 3)

stimpyyouidiot · 08/03/2022 16:27

I would have loved a friend like you. I felt like everyone forgot me after I'd had my baby. Nobody wanted to come round and see me, or ask how I was. Just how baby was.

Baby blues turned into PND and I honestly thought everyone judged me and nobody wanted to spend time with me and I struggled really badly.

But I don't think I never asked anyone how they were. In fact I'd have rather asked them, instead of them digging in to my life and how I cried all day and night and wanted to disappear. In fact I tried to make more friends as I was so lonely as a ftm.

babyhaha · 08/03/2022 16:27

I hope you still have some friends there when you decide you feel it's time to be social

When you’re recovering from three surgeries along with PND. There’s no time to be social, it’s not even on the to do list. My friends are all very present so when I was ready to try and be the old me, we picked up where we left off. Thanks🙂

RealBecca · 08/03/2022 16:30

Yanbu to expect after that long for someone to genuinely ask and care about you. When I became a new mum I became overwhelmingly anxious thinking about death and my child and I couldn't cope with the idea of bereavement when I was in that bubble. So perhaps if they had traumatic births the idea of death is frightening and they are avoiding certain topics as they cant cope with them

UltraLightfly · 08/03/2022 16:31

YANBU- So many women lose their minds once they become mothers and become incredibly self-absorbed.

I say this as a pregnant person who NEVER wants to turn into the above. It's so shitty.

I'll be your friend op Grin

FarDownTheRiver · 08/03/2022 16:32

Don’t throw pearls to swine. Not saying your friends are swine but choose carefully who you give to - time is so valuable so it needs to be to those who appreciate it’s worth.

It sounds like your friends don’t appreciate you now, maybe that will change but maybe it won’t. You sound like a lovely friend so make sure you invest in more equal relationships too.

Original poster
Curiousbananas · 08/03/2022 16:34

@TheOrigRights

OP, are these friends back at work?
No, maternity leave x
OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 08/03/2022 16:35

You are absolutely not being unreasonable but also for some of your friends it might feel like an unreasonable expectation.
I was a mess for 18 months after my first. It can really screw you up for a while in unexplainable ways. Nothing matters except them, until they become a little more robust. By age 2 I was back to being a proper friend again mostly. But I realise that's a long road. It changed my relationships for sure

Original poster
Curiousbananas · 08/03/2022 16:37

@UltraLightfly

YANBU- So many women lose their minds once they become mothers and become incredibly self-absorbed.

I say this as a pregnant person who NEVER wants to turn into the above. It's so shitty.

I'll be your friend op Grin

OP posts:
Crazyone84 · 08/03/2022 16:41

I lost myself when I had my first, but to ask someone else about their life and listen to their woes took me away from the stress of mine, albeit for 10 mins but it helped me massively not get too much inside me own head. I think they are just being self self self and to the point the more they talk about self the more they do it

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/03/2022 16:42

What about when your child gets older though and you get more time for yourself? You could find all your pals have deserted you and then what?

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/03/2022 16:45

I think I’m just too selfish to prioritise my baby above everything all the time. I never did it. Don’t get me wrong they were loved and cared for but I did make time for other stuff whether it be friends, running, going for hair doing, drink or meal out with DP etc I’d be miserable without those things in my life even if they were only absent on a temporary basis

Erinyes · 08/03/2022 16:50

@LuckySantangelo35

I think I’m just too selfish to prioritise my baby above everything all the time. I never did it. Don’t get me wrong they were loved and cared for but I did make time for other stuff whether it be friends, running, going for hair doing, drink or meal out with DP etc I’d be miserable without those things in my life even if they were only absent on a temporary basis
I certainly didn't 'prioritise my baby above everything', but arriving in a strange place as a foreigner with a small baby, a husband who was often working away, no family or friends closer than a shorthaul flight, and a general local absence of paid babysitting because most people lived surrounded by extended family, I simply didn't have the option of 'making time for other stuff.' And yes, it was miserable, and probably contributed to me feeling that arranging to do social things just involved too much energy for the pay-off until DS got older and DH moved jobs and started being at home to do childcare.
2bazookas · 08/03/2022 16:51

My friends aren't having mental health crises (I ask a lot),

Has it ever occurred to you, that perhaps they don't feel they can tell you "Yes, everything's gone to shit".

Because, they have a baby, and you lost yours.

Because you have been through real hell and what's their bit of baby-blues compared with your bereavements.

Because your pregnancy is so precious they don't want to blight your joy and anticipation by crying on your shoulder about the flipside.

  I'm glad that your friends with babies  keep inviting you round   for a little bit of baby cuddle.  That can be a difficult thing to  do for a friend who  has lost  so much.   I'm guessing you  put on a  convincing front of   resilience and  strength which   hides  much from them.   Maybe you could let down the shields a bit.
EmpressCixi · 08/03/2022 16:52

YANBU but it struck me that you think “hope you are doing well” isn’t an invitation to say how you are and you are waiting for the perfect question from your friends. In addition, you are waiting for them to invite you to dinner/cafe/walk? Why are you waiting? For all you know they’re wondering why you’ve gone all passive and never tell them how you are or invite them anywhere since they’ve had the baby. I think you need to be less passive. I agree friendships are two way, but it doesn’t seem to me that you are reaching out. You’re passively waiting for them to reach out first. Just reach out and see what happens.

Sush81 · 08/03/2022 16:54

Hello, did any of your DS/D sat for KGS entrance exam for 12+ 2022 entry? If so did you hear back from the school?

beautifulsay · 08/03/2022 16:56

OP can you be my friend? You sound lovely. I would definitely ask you how you are ! I was one of those mums who loved hearing what was going on in my friends' lives and it made me feel better and more normal than only focusing on my baby. I also found having a small baby relatively easy. I think I had an easy baby. I have found having a toddler a lot harder. When my DC was small, I had way more time to myself.

womaninatightspot · 08/03/2022 17:03

My babies were not good sleepers and I bf so nights were on me. If you have patience they come out the other side after a year ot two and are desperate to rediscover themselves IME

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2022 17:11

I'm wondering what you want from this post OP. Do you just want other, generic new mums to feel shitty because you are annoyed with your friends?

I don't think this post comes across as lovely at all, you have clearly been quite supportive in person but this post is full of sarcastic and patronising language about how "inexplicable" it all is.

To answer your question, no of course it isn't impossible for new mums to do these things. But the reality is it can be hard, and it's unlikely to be intentional. I was barely with it with a newborn, conversationally I probably was very lacking but I was just trying my best not to seem like a complete zombie, I would replay my responses to things in my head and cringe but my mind was working so slowly. It wasn't intentional or from lack of caring, or that I was super self absorbed, I had just never been so tired in my life. I don't think it's something very many new mum's relish.