Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

[Curiousbananas]

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

I'd like to add I completely don't expect it to ever go back to how it was pre-babies. Just in case that's not clear. I'm just wondering if it's reasonable to expect a tiny bit of reciprocation.

Personally, I found it very overwhelming and difficult to spare any mental or emotional capacity for anyone else, even my DP or family, when my babies were small. I was concentrating on keeping a squawking small person alive, and my own sanity intact (succeeded at the first and failed at the latter) it does improve though, but maybe going back to work was the turning-point for me, I actually had a few minutes to myself, to compose, and subsequently answer, a text!

YANBU and i say that as someone who felt like i'd been hit by a ton of bricks when i had DS1. It was a massive shock. I did expect my friends without kids to compromise to a certain degree and I did lose certain childless friends as a result, who just didn't show any interest in me or my babies at all, or who didn't understand that I couldn't be away from my ebf baby for hours at a time.

I did feel like I had lost a lot of myself, and it's only now my kids are 7 and 4 that I realised just how much. but now I'm coming out of "the other side" the baby/toddler years, I'm so glad I never lost interest in my friends' lives completely. Some of them have gone on to become parents themselves, others haven't, but as a single parent now I need as much support as possible!

I'd also like to add, I bloody love the babies. I genuinely really love them and enjoy spending time with them. I very often ask if I can go over for a few hours and spend time with the babies whilst they get some rest as It's a joy to be with them, and good practice too!

You've been a "dream friend"?!? Eeeek. Even having that phrase go through your head in relation to yourself, let alone writing it down, is really bizarre.

Based on that, and the talk of the batch cooking and so on, I wonder if you've been very full-on, and this has made your friends reluctant to engage?

Certainly if one of my mates described themselves as a "dream friend" I'd be running away, and fast.

YANBU and your friends sound very self-obsessed.

Mums of new babies are often very self-obsessed because they are coping with a huge upheaval to their lives, have a small creature attached to them 24/7 and have usually averaged about an hour's sleep a night. But they should be able to do better than this.

Maybe you're over-servicing them a bit though? Batch-cooking etc? Maybe time to take a bit of a step back.

FWIW it will go back to what it was like. (Or it can if the friendship survives). This phase doesn't last that long and there will come a point where she's desperate for adult conversation. Cut them a bit of slack they're not in their right minds but also maybe stop feeling you need to put them first all the time. Be a friend but don't be a martyr.

Honestly, for the first year of my daughter's life I couldn't tell my arse from my elbow. It's EXHAUSTING, in every single sense of the word. I'm not saying they haven't been a bit crappy to you especially with the things you've dealt with but I tend to give new mums a free pass for a year or so.

I was never like this and was a single mum from day one , I know a lot that are like this though 🤷🏻‍♀️

No I didn't lose my ability to care about anyone other than myself and my baby. In fact I was the only one of my friends to have a baby (until 5 years later) and I was more involved in their lives than them mine. Other peoples babies are usually very boring and my friends weren't really overly interested (they did get a gift and came the christening, but weren't interested in holding baby or babysitting) which was fine. Op you sound very invested and how you've framed things sounds like a grandparent role rather than a friend.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

They are being shit, and having a baby is no excuse not to at least try to ask. It would cost them very little to occasionally send you a Whatsapp which enquired after you, and replied whenever they had a moment, possibly not very quickly.

Honestly I think it's gone far too far, this whole 'in order to visit a new mother you must arrive bearing gifts, clean her house, cook her a meal, not even LOOK at the baby and then depart having talked only about her' thing. Having a baby is a privilege and while it's fab for your friends to be supportive, they shouldn't be obliged to become your lady's maids.

YANBU at all. I loved having a newborn but I had a very difficult delivery, then got ill, was feeding round the clock, and managed to maintain all my friendships as before. My life had changed but theirs hadn’t. I was there for their work dramas, relationship issues, took an interest in their kids for those who had them, didn’t bang on about my baby for those who hadn’t.

There’s no excuse for being a self centred arsehole, especially not after 6 months.

If you look back with a clear eye, were these friendships based on mutual effort and investment or do you think you’ve always put more in than they did?

You might need new friends.

Pregnancy after miscarriage can be tough, focus on yourself.

I know what you mean OP.

One of my friends started back to work this week after maternity leave and I am wondering whether I'll see her much going forward, since the only times I have seen her was by using my lunch break while wfh. She always turns down evening or weekend plans, even just a coffee for an hour.

I think it's a hard adjustment but after the first couple of years things hopefully start getting back on track as people are a bit happier to leave their children for a couple of hours. I think with small babies it can be so hard to navigate the day without messing up the timings of naps and feeds and then ending up with a sleepless night that it can put people off doing anything much beyond having friends over to theirs for that first year.

I have been lucky that all of my friends with recent babies have still asked how I'm doing etc though. That does sound bad on the part of your friend.

Six months is still very much in the thick of things, imo. I’ve just had coffee with a friend with a six month old and she’s utterly overwhelmed, doesn’t feel herself yet, can’t imagine it ever coming back - “it” being the desire to go out in the evening, have sex, be her old self.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. Your friends will come back, I promise.

Batch cooking was in the first weeks. 'Dream friend' was just to make the distinction that im not someone who pays no interest in them at all and expects things to be the same. I've been understanding that they're new mums, not a nightmare friend who doesn't get it at all. These are very close friends and I have wanted to help out, truly. Now it's 7 months in and I was just wondering if it would ever feel a bit reciprocal again.

I appreciate the responses and am happy to accept I may be being sensitive and unreasonable to some people and will ease up a bit. I am also happy to admit that it's a time in my life (with grief etc) where I'd probably spend much more time with good friends if I could and I might not feel this way if that weren't the case. Thanks all

YANBU My best friend had her first baby around the same time that I started to struggle massively with osteoarthritis in both hips and both knee. As soon as she had recovered from her c section, she was here once a week, insisting on cleaning the house and doing some laundry because I was struggling to manage.

Honestly I think it's gone far too far, this whole 'in order to visit a new mother you must arrive bearing gifts, clean her house, cook her a meal, not even LOOK at the baby and then depart having talked only about her' thing. Having a baby is a privilege and while it's fab for your friends to be supportive, they shouldn't be obliged to become your lady's maids.

I agree with this too. It's lovely to see friends' babies but they are not doing my a favour by 'letting' me visit - we make plans to spend time together because we're friends. I do think some attitudes on here (not on this thread, but on the wider site) are very odd when it comes to friends and new babies.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. The same people who don't bother to make the effort to maintain relationships with their friends are usually the same ones that then moan they don't have any friends since becoming a mum.

I'm sorry you've been through so much. You sound like an absolutely amazing friend. It might have been hard doing so much for your friends while you were going through so much especially when you have just had a miscarriage.

I do try to talk about mostly non kids related stuff with friendseho don't hsvr children (unless they ask about thrm) and make it a point to ask hlw they are and what's going on with thrm and to get some time to talk to them without the kids. However, if your friends are breastfeeding this might not be possible yet. Also the first year or so is brutal in terms of sleep deprivation and just never having a minute to yourself (even with a supportive partner if somehow feels like that).

I think if these are good friends then just ask them if you could meet without the kids as you could do with some support (or however you prefer wording it). If a friend told me that I'd definitely make a point to at least free half an hour to an hour. (Keep in mind though that if your friends are single mums this might not be possible at all).

I know I wasn't like this because my friends (who were all childless) told me I was no different when I had my child. I always made efforts to see them without my child and then children, as much for my benefit as theirs. Your friends don't sound very nice.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Just wait until you have your baby and you'll realise how absolutely full on fucking relentless parenting can be!!
I nearly lost my goddam mind. I wouldn't wish silent reflux on my worst enemy. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even figure out how to open my front door at one point I was so sleep deprived.