Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

[Curiousbananas]

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

I think your friends do sound self centred. Lots of my friends have had babies, as have I, but our friendships have still been important and we have still connected. Obviously some mums have a harder time than others, but equally, maybe some are happy to be in a baby bubble and need / want their friends less.

It's certainly not always the case that new mums are frazzled and exhausted. I can think of plenty of mums, myself included, who had a fairly easy time (after a traumatic birth and difficult first 6 weeks) and maternity leave was a holiday. I am much more frazzled now, working and with two primacy dc!

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Depends on your experince - straight forward birth, easy baby lots of support they'll be more mental energy availabe for social interactions.

Ongoing issues after labour, pnd, baby with issue - from silent relux to serious complications or just velro baby, less support or no support - more likely to be in coping mode.

PG rewires the brain - so priorities are changed and frankly what impact the baby has on your life is partly out of your control.

Though it's also perfectly possible they are shit friends or don't value the relationship as much as you as well or on top of being in coping mode it's also possible they just need more time to find a mental balance.

Depends on their experience doesn't it? For my first I literally couldn't have told you my own name for the first 4 months, but by 6 or so was miles better. My second was sleep regression central and I went back to work early so was fine for the first few months but I was on my knees from probably 4 months to 16 months. In both those cases I wouldn't have had the mental space to worry about myself let alone anyone else, and would have had pockets where I looked ok enough that you'd expect it. Obviously felt bad about it after but I would have been a terrible friend then!

Basically, you can't expect a set thing from everyone because we all have different experiences.

I loved keeping contact with my friends, even when I had newborns. I might not have been as quick to respond to messages, but enjoyed conversations about something other than the birth or baby.

I was so sleep deprived the first year that at one point I hallucinated a lamppost speaking to me. It probably made me a shit friend but I literally couldn’t form a sentence yet alone engage with anything beyond the very basics.

They don't sound worthy of your time and attention, OP, and I'd take a big step back to focus on people who give as well as take.

I had 3 under 5 at one stage, but still made an effort to meet up with old and new friends. It was nice to talk about something other than kids! I'd have gone batshit otherwise.

You are not unreasonable to expect their support BUT it's only now my kids are a bit older and I get regular sleep that I realise what a zombie I was those first few years, just shuffling through life, self centred because I was so exhausted. I see it now because I see my friends going through it now. They wouldn't recognize themselves if I held up a mirror to them. I'm sorry for all you've gone through

I think so interesting that the responses are 50/50. I voted yanbu but can see both sides. You are totally not unreasonable to want your friends to be interested in what is going on for you, especially when they know you’ve had a hard time. You’ll need a bit of taking care of just now too.

But otoh, I was totally overwhelmed by my first baby and I suspect I probably became a shit friend like them - I know I was a fairly shit partner for example, it wasn’t til later I had room to connect with the bits DH found hard. I think it would be ok explore this with them in a curious way, if you think you can do that and not get blamey, which from your posts it sounds to me that you could do.

OP, it will get easier, but it may take a while. Having a baby can be all consuming - physically, mentally, emotionally. As can be having a toddler tbh .. when the kids start school, things move a little bit more towards having a separate life again (in my experience).

YANBU. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, and congrats on your pregnancy.

It might be worth saying directly to your friends that you need a bit of attention, you need support and a listening shoulder after having a hard time.

I don’t know to be honest. I think it’s such a singular experience whilst being entirely ordinary and mundane it’s really hard.

After my first I was out and about and enjoying life quickly. I nearly killed myself after my second I was so low and sleep deprived. He’s 4 and I’m still on tablets.

I certainly am interested in my friends but I’m a different person than I was before. I feel quite damaged and very brittle.

Hi OP,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. But to be honest, when I had a baby , I was just pretty much focussed on surviving on the first year. My baby was hardwork and would not sleep. I really didn't have the mental/emotional space to care about anything else. I only really got to start picking up my friendships again when she was 3. It does take a lot of time to adjust and 6 months is a very hard phase.

it's not unreasonable for you to want something back from your friendships.... but, it is a bit unreasonable to take it personally at this stage.

How you are once baby is born is a question that is impossible to answer. It varies so greatly, and honestly you won't be able to know how you'll be until baby arrives and shocks you. It also, of course, depends on the baby you have - good sleeper, good feeder, chilled etc.

I probably was a bit like your friend after DS1. I've never known anything like it - my body, mind, entire life was just turned upside down and it took me a long, long time to feel anything near myself. Because I didn't feel myself, I didn't really feel like I knew how to socialise and so I didn't reach out to friends as much. I was also the first to have a baby in my group, and they seemed to think I should be happy etc. 24/7 and I so wasn't and I just didn't feel I could keep up any pretence with them. It all changed when they had theirs and they suddenly realised how hard it is! I also think maternity leave can be very hard and isolating and you almost feel you have nothing interesting to say to people (when your day is an endless cycle of feeding, nappies, pureeing food, bathing etc. you begin to lose yourself a bit!), so end up shying away.

With DS2 he has been pretty chilled. Relatively good feeder, good sleeper and I feel confident with everything as it hasn't been a shock to my system this time around. It means I was happily out with friends and socialising again quite quickly this time around!

[quote Curiousbananas]@JudgeJ thank you xTo answer your Q, I cooked because both had traumatic births, hospital stays etc and I thought it would be one less thing for them to think about. I did it instead of buying a proper gift/it was my gift to them. I cooked one big lasagne when babies were born which was very very appreciated, and for the first month, whenever I visited I took a home cooked meal from my own freezer batch (chicken stew/chilli etc). I knew mum wasn't finding time to make home cooked meals and was overwhelmed, as she usually would have cooked from scratch every night for her and her husband and they were living off ding dinners, so I thought it would be a treat for the first month or so and I was happy to share. Cooking is just something I always do for new parents as I enjoy cooking. I've stopped now mostly, but do occasionally share a couple of portions if I make too much to fit in my freezer![/quote]
You sound lovely but I had a very well meaning friend who made a load of food like this for the freezer, all in enormous portions which were almost impossible to find freezer space for. We ended up finding it a bit more stressful than just doing ourselves as I had already batch cooked a load. It was another thing to add to the mental list to remember which dishes were hers to return etc.

Not a huge thing and very well meaning, but I imagine that if you were really struggling you’d find it another “thing” to deal with and perhaps not be as grateful as you could

7 months is no time at all

Hang in there - they’ll get back to being more themselves soon. With my first I lost my best friend of 30 years around my baby being 7 months as she thought I was self obsessed. In reality I was battling PND severe anxiety and, also, loved my baby more than anything and anyone and she took up all my head space.

Those that stuck around I’m still very close to now and appreciate them even more for sticking around for me. I’m doing the same with them now some of them are going through the same.

So it’s a gentle yabu from me

It depends on your experience. I struggled, I had an emcs with complications, spesis, ptsd, baby with feeding issues and it took me nearly a year to get medical diagnosis for her rather than been dismissed as a ‘FTM’ and no family support.

A relatively straightforward birth, easy as it comes feeding journey and a baby who isn’t screaming in pain all the time would result in a very different outcome.

And 6 months is worst time for sleep.

Yanbu to be disappointed that your friends aren't making more of an effort considering the age of their babies but as somebody said above, be a friend and not a martyr. Was this a pattern before they had babies? What I'm trying to say is pre-babies, did they put in as much effort into the friendship as you with the organizing etc?

Are you also being straight with your friends? Are you putting on a brave face so that you don't burden them? When you're tired, subtle clues are hard to notice and you need someone to say "I'm really struggling and need some support" rather than using the stiff upper lip and hoping that people notice that it's not a genuine smile.

They might not be that bothered about being friends any more. Friendships do wax and wane through life and some people you just move on from. When I was a new mum pretty much all my socialising was then with other new mums, just through shared circumstance. I didn't completely neglect old friends as I did manage to go to hen dos, weddings and so on but I already probably didn't have that relationship with them where they'd be expecting me to ask how they are as we didn't see one another that often.

I actually found the period from 7 months harder than newborn days, as my very determined baby started moving around and I was no longer able to plonk them down and do stuff around them while they played. Suddenly you are fully engaging with the child and all other tasks have to wait until nap time. Bloody exhausting and came as a shock. I'd not be up for meeting for dinner with a baby that age - sorry but I'd be too exhausted and crave time for myself.

I think you should take a step back because when you do have your baby I really do not think these women are going to be batch cooking and supporting you in an equal way. If you can see yourself being upset by that it might be better to step back sooner rather than later.

I wonder if it's another thing covid made worse.

I was getting out the door within first few months with pfb - there were groups and places to go and while it was often very overwelming just getting out the door I felt better for doing so. More you do something easier it becomes so it became normal and straight forward. It meant my world did expand and I reconnected to wider world.

Even now things are back up and open people are still often cautious and many groups - at least around here - have gone and haven't comeback. I know someone can say but they can text/phone- but I did find getting out house and interating with wider world useful for pulling me out of baby bubble.

I don't think you sound bitter I have multiple chronic illness and my sleep is often broken, I struggle at everything and still ask people how they are. Think many women underestimate how such a lifestyle change impacts them pre birth and society allows them to be like that but if I was because of my disability I would just be rude. I'm pregnant now and some of my closest friend pre their pregnancy don't have a clue because they didn't see me fitting in their mum group anymore as I was childfree.

I went back to work at 9 months PP, in a pretty responsible job. It’s borderline offensive to suggest that women only a couple of months behind me on that timeline are so inept due to having a baby that they’re not even capable of asking a good friend how they are. OP, YANBU at all and I’m sorry your friends are shit.

@Onlyforcake

I've got a friend whose mother was given a couple of months to live about a year ago. I have major crap going on that I really would love to talk about with that friend. BUT because I'm not a jerk I'm waiting. Until SHE comes to me, until SHE isn't distracted. I can avoid stamping my foot and making our friendship all about me. That's how friendships are, you can see a huge life change, you wait. You support. You keep waiting. In all honesty, depending on the level of friendship, with the huge change in priorities you might not have the friendship you ever had before. Are they back at work? Are they back socialising? Are they just a mess? Sorry that you've obviously got a lot of stress.

I think this is both a humane and realistic post. It's what I do with my friends, whether they or I are the ones stepping away because of tough stuff going on/life changes.

I would give it a bit more time. You're not wrong.