Can new mums really not ask 'how are you?' anymore?

[Curiousbananas]

Tell me mums. Does having a baby really and truly mean you completely lose the ability to ask a very close friend 'how are you?' and make space to hear the response, even just occasionally? Can you be so very sleep deprived and focused on your child that you simply can't muster any interest in your friends anymore? Are we friends of new mums just expected to have a one sided friendship because you're a mum?

For context...
I have a couple of very close friends who have recently had babies. I've been a dream friend, I've batch cooked, I've had the babies so they can sleep, I've checked in on my friends mental health, I've bought gifts. The works. Babies are approaching 6-7 months old. Every minute of time together since babies were born has been on their terms, at their homes, and I have been so understanding of this as they've been adjusting. BUT I'm starting to get fidgety. I've also been through a personally shitty time in the past 6 months, miscarriage, bereavements etc and I want my friends back. Is it totally unreasonable of me to expect that I should be offered more than a "hope you're doing ok" every now and then? Can my friends truly not cope with the effort of directly asking me 'how are you?' like they used to, and inviting me to respond? Am I unreasonable to start to expect a 'would you like to come over for some dinner and a catchup whilst partner watches the baby so we can spend a minute just the two of us?' Or 'fancy going for a walk? Or a coffee?'

I am pregnant again right now, the last of my close friends to have a baby and I'm wondering, will motherhood make me suddenly, inexplicably, completely unable to show genuine interest in my friends and their lives when it hits me?

Am I being unreasonable to expect that friendships should continue to be semi two sided after the initial adjustment is over? Hit me!

Wow always on your terms..not a priority- I wouldn't worry i doubt you'll have many friends left soon!

Why would my friends be a priority when I just had a baby? I wouldn't be a priority to them if they'd had kids and it was all totally understandable. Luckily my friends aren't dependent on me and I'd rarely see them as it is so when I had a baby it was no different🤷‍♀️ if they ask to meet up it's easier for them to come to mine instead of dragging myself and baby out of the house for a meal.
Good thing my friends don't take offence like you so they'll be no losing of any friends thanks🙂

Having an especially high needs infant who we many years later figured out had autism, yabu. That first year nearly broke me.

It’s relentless at first, especially after traumatic deliveries they may just not be being completely honest about how they’re feeling.

I feel like it’s really baby dependent as well, for example I couldn’t put my daughter down, she was really full on and I could scrape together a minute to myself, when I finally could I used that time to try and make myself feel better.

But with my second he was so chilled and I had all the time in the world to keep on top of my life, catch a breather etc.

Being a parent is hard, unfortunately it can take a while to find our new normal. I’m sure your friends haven’t forgotten about you op, or that any of this is intentional. It’s hard going.
Step back a bit, and be there when they’re ready.

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I also think it’s difficult when we only hear from your side. It is incredibly overwhelming and it’s hard to understand the ongoing exhaustion (which unfortunately does not suddenly go away after six months or a year - which was a bit of a shock tbh!! Is there a chance you talk a lot when you’re there and tell them all about yourself anyway? Or are just generally a bit full on?

Maybe just take a step back and take a breather. Be nice and message and occasionally see them if they’re up for it, but their lives have changed and you need to let them decide how they’re going to engage.

Your friends are shit. Absolutely shit.

You are not being unreasonable at all, and you are not asking for too much. Being a mum is hard, really hard! Everyone knows it. But it is not an excuse to be a horrible friend.
Unfortunately many woman feel it is, and excuse their lack of interest and effort for as long as they can get away with.

Having a friend ask a simple how are you, and mean it, is not too much to ask.

I've got a friend whose mother was given a couple of months to live about a year ago. I have major crap going on that I really would love to talk about with that friend. BUT because I'm not a jerk I'm waiting. Until SHE comes to me, until SHE isn't distracted. I can avoid stamping my foot and making our friendship all about me. That's how friendships are, you can see a huge life change, you wait. You support. You keep waiting. In all honesty, depending on the level of friendship, with the huge change in priorities you might not have the friendship you ever had before. Are they back at work? Are they back socialising? Are they just a mess?

Sorry that you've obviously got a lot of stress.

My kids are four and seven and I feel like I’m only just getting over the ‘initial adjustment’ and finding myself again and re-establishing adult friendships! It’s probably taken me a bit longer than normal because of covid and social distancing, but I think you are underestimating the seismic shift that having a child creates. It would not be unreasonable to suggest having some time one-on-one with your friends if you feel that’s what you need right now and hopefully they’ll be able to accommodate. They’re probably not offering that yet because they’re just so grateful that you’re willing to come to them and fit round their baby.

I also struggled to shower in that first year let alone message my friends, if that’s any consolation.

You say they're 6 months and actually that can be a really overwhelming stage of motherhood. There's this perception that you will have found your groove but, whilst true in some ways, for many mums everything is shifting with weaning and the toll from never recovering from the 4 month leap night time issues really shows. The strain of a poor sleeper on the marital relationship can also be peak at this time where both partners are exhausted and patience is low.

It doesn't mean they don't care and are probably really sorry for how self and baby absorbed they are. Them sending you hope you're ok messages is probably the best they can do right now.

Having a newborn and adjusting to motherhood is completely overwhelming but you’re not being unreasonable to expect your friends to care. Have you brought this up to them? They might just be oblivious to how you’re feeling, sometimes when you’re in a bubble and you don’t see what’s going on around you. Are you expecting them to know you’ve had things go on and are struggling or have you communicated it and they’ve not been helpful? It’s hard when friendships become or feel one sided but I think the only way to get through it is to talk to them about how you’re feeling, it will either resolve things or it will blow up but if you carry on like you are you’re going to grow more resentful and the friendship will suffer anyway

You sound like a lovely friend. Gosh I can't imagine anyone doing that for me.
I always ask how people are. It's not a big expectation you have at all.

I think a lot of this is clouded by your miscarriage, because you've been through ALOT and this could have been you with the kids already. I've been here too and sort of understand but you do sound (I'm not going to use the word bitter as it's harsh) unnecessarily angry!

You sound like a wonderful friend OP - I wish I'd had friends like you when I had my babies!

@BiscuitLover3678

I also struggled to shower in that first year let alone message my friends, if that’s any consolation.

Yes, but if your friends came over (and held the baby while you could shower) wouldn't you then sit down with a cup of tea and think to ask them about themselves?

Your friends are shit. Absolutely shit.
Fucking hell, what a way to talk about women. At six months DD woke hourly through the night, and woke the minute I left the room so I never got an evening, just a dark room with her from 7pm, like having a newborn again; she was teething relentlessly, had just learned to crawl a month prior so was now FAST so I never got to sit down, starting to wean so everything was covered in fucking hummus, would only nap outside in the sling. DP had a 2.5-hour commute each way so wasn’t around to support. I was at a seriously low ebb and about 2 stone underweight, I was prescribed sertraline and it gave me a mental health crisis that made me suicidal; I did not have the capacity to be a good friend at that point, not even to ask “how are you”. But by your judgment, I was shit.

None of us know what’s going on with OP’s friends, none of us can say they’re “shit”. Yes it’s bloody tough for OP to feel she’s lost her friends, but they will return. And possibly when they do, OP will be deep in new motherhood and also having a hard time.

I think people's experience of early motherhood varies so much that the question isn't really that useful. One of my best friends was absolutely fine after her first - I saw her just as much, she was there for me when my husband died more than anyone etc etc. Her second baby has been a different story - she's found things so much harder and as a result she hasn't been able to be there for me in any capacity for almost a year. Same person, same kind and compassionate friend, but two very different babies and very different experiences. I think the first two years are pretty demanding so tend to give mums a break for that whole period. They're my friends and I love them.

@babyhaha

Wow always on your terms..not a priority- I wouldn't worry i doubt you'll have many friends left soon!

Why would my friends be a priority when I just had a baby? I wouldn't be a priority to them if they'd had kids and it was all totally understandable. Luckily my friends aren't dependent on me and I'd rarely see them as it is so when I had a baby it was no different🤷‍♀️ if they ask to meet up it's easier for them to come to mine instead of dragging myself and baby out of the house for a meal.
Good thing my friends don't take offence like you so they'll be no losing of any friends thanks🙂

Different if you didn't see them much anyway I suppose!

I have 3 kids and still maintain friendships made well before I had kids and new ones after my kids. One of my kids has additional support needs, one is 5 and another a toddler. I went back to work when my youngest was 8 weeks old one day a week. No I don’t think your being unreasonable. You have been very supportive now it’s time for them to make an effort. Its important for mums to maintain friendships and we are allowed a little adult time. My husband is just as capable of looking after our kids as I am so will do it so I can meet friends just as I do it so he can go play football which he enjoys.

YANBU. But I would say that there can be an almost obsessional element to new motherhood. Other things can drop away without the mum always realizing or appreciating what's happening. The time when my youngest was born, probably the first year, is actually a blur to me now, I can barely remember anything about it. And I generally have a good memory for the past.

I tend to think one of the underlying problems is that modern friendships require effort to keep up. You don't just happen to meet up in your daily life or hanging out the wash or whatever or communally preparing food, which would have happened at one time. Which allows new mums to stay integrated even if their brains have turned to mush.

As far as things like coffee etc, I would not count on that happening for the first year, maybe the first two for some people. Some mums will be able to get away earlier, but for some brestfeeding mums it's just more trouble than it's worth to leave the baby. They can't enjoy it and have to rush back anyway.

I think a lot depends on the baby, the delivery and the amount of support you have.

DS was an easy baby, managed breastfeeding fine, hit his milestones, slept every four hours, but even then, so much changes in a short amount of time, just as you get use to one thing, something changes in them and before you know it, you are running after some small child you know you need to keep safe, but desperatly wants to go play with traffic, climb the largest tree possible or escape out of the 2nd story window

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Perhaps you'll be able to answer your own question in a few months time when you have a six month old baby. That way you will have more of a perspective of what it's like to be a mum. If you still feel as though you have capacity to be there for your friends and listen to them, then perhaps your friends don't give as much back as you do and you can review things. The reality is though that babies change lives considerably and it's very hard to comprehend that until you are on that position.

@Tdcp

Honestly, for the first year of my daughter's life I couldn't tell my arse from my elbow. It's EXHAUSTING, in every single sense of the word. I'm not saying they haven't been a bit crappy to you especially with the things you've dealt with but I tend to give new mums a free pass for a year or so.

A year? I had twins one of whom was poorly for the first 6months and I still managed to be interested in my friends and sisters. My sister on the other hand had the first grandchild me and younger sister helped her and bought tons of gifts for our niece when my Mum asked DS to give me a hand when DD had op at 8 weeks she came over was really unhelpful and kept saying other people managed with more than two children of different ages plus it was her choice to only have one DD🙄 some people are just self absorbed whether they have or not.

OP has listed a range of stuff she has done to be there for her friends. Can any of you actually imagine how it would feel to show up, bring them home cooked food, look after their baby (whilst dealing with your own fertility struggles and miscarriages) so they can have a shower/break, and then have them not ask you a simple how are you?

Shame on any of you sticking up for the friend in this situation. I get it's because she's a new mum, so many of you instantly feel the need to jump to her defence without even taking in the situation OP has described, but she is clearly being a selfish self centred brat. Being a mum doesn't absolve her from this. OP has every right to be hurt and feel let down. Friendship is a two way street.

I needed a friend to say something like this to me to be honest, so respect to you. It wasn’t through choice, I just became so overwhelmed and lost in motherhood I couldn’t find the emotional space for anything else. But my friends didn’t deserve that and i realised I hadn’t treated them well when my life broadened beyond my baby (him starting nursery and me going back to work was a game changer for my mental health). I hope all goes well with your pregnancy x