To think you don't say this to a child!

[UndertheCedartree]

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow OP didn't "prime her" to be fearful. She told her she was having a blood test and the child's reaction was fearful (which is not in the least uncommon). So OP responded by meeting her child'd emotional needs, taking her fear seriously and giving her both something to mitigate it (the numbing cream) and something to look forward to after it (the muffin).

This is excellent, responsive parenting. OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted. This thread could and should have gone very differently.[/quote]
I agree. It's excellent gentle parenting and works so well with autistic children.

I'm not anxious about it as we have a good plan in place, my DD is not anxious either.

I don't get what the big deal is then? If she isn't anxious why does a throwaway comment from her dad prompt a whole thread where you explain over and over again why clearly you are the superior parent? Like it's great that you are such a confident parent but you don't need to tear her Dad down to raise yourself up.

@zurala

Oh, and get the cream as the cold spray caused my daughter massive sensory issues and she refused to have the bloods done when they tried to use that. You just need to call the surgery a few days before and get it prescribed.

My son is the opposite. The cream adds to the build up for him and is a visual thing to worry about. The spray means he is in and out in seconds and hardly notices anything.

It’s all trial and error isn’t it!

Not CF - DD!!! What a terrible autocorrect!
I've never used the term CF before so not even sure why it's done that. 🤦‍♀️

OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted.

Yes, there's no possible response in-between "Suck it up, buttercup" and "Oh darling it'll be such terrible agony you'll need anaesthetics and special treats and everybody around you must watch every word they say lest your trauma multiply".

@Hellolittlestar

She’s not exactly going to enjoy it, is she? So an honest understanding voice might as well be the way to go.

Not when it scares her!

And if you hadn’t hidden her away to tell her and told her in front of her dad instead he would have been part of the conversation not left downstairs and then expected to respond how you deem correct when you come down and bring the conversation up again!

@WorraLiberty again, that depends on your child. One of mine is autistic and would have needed to know well in advance - certainly at least the night before. Even if it meant technically more hours of being worried about it, he needed a countdown of sorts before anything like a trip to the hospital.

So many people assuming they know more about OP's child than she does. It sounds as though she knows her child very well, and is doing what is best for her.

He was empathising with her ffs. Just because you don't like the bloke, doesn't mean everything he does is wrong. You're moaning over nothing.

@Hertsgirl10

Why ask it you’re gonna disagree with anyone that thinks YABU?

It was more of a vent. I didn't explain it very well. But lots of posters have understood. But, yes I will disagree with people thinking they know better than me what approach works with my DD. I agree, he meant no harm, he didn't think it through. Yes, but he scared her. And if he had thought he wouldn't have done it. He told me this, when I asked why he said it.

Oh God, your poor ex.

The more you post, the more I can see why you're not together.

Being married to Mrs Permanently-Right must've been exhausting 🙄

Her dad is a dickhead, and you know it. Maybe don't tell him everything in these circs or text him when you are on the way. You know, manage the situation a bit?

If she hasn't had it yet, make sure she is well hydrated. It makes it easier for the phlebotomist. That means lots of water well in advance, but sensibly sipped, not a gallon chugged just before you go in. It won't help like that.

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted.

Yes, there's no possible response in-between "Suck it up, buttercup" and "Oh darling it'll be such terrible agony you'll need anaesthetics and special treats and everybody around you must watch every word they say lest your trauma multiply".

Nobody - least of all the OP - has said anything even vaguely resembling your second paragraph. You've made it up (and it isn't very good, so don't give up your day job)

Many posters have suggested the "suck it up, it's nothing" approach.

Depending on his tone his comment could have been very validating. Because he's right...she isn't looking forward to it.

So WHY did you bring it all up again just after you’d calmed her down?!

@BeHappy91818

He didn’t say anything wrong. Are you always so dramatic

Well, he scared his DD. So maybe not wrong, but not ideal. Yes, I've often been called dramatic. I have autism and am very sensitive just like my DD. Calling us dramatic just invalidates us.

@sweetbellyhigh

Gosh OP it is you making a big deal of a blood test which is such a minor event.

Don't kid yourself that your dd doesn't pick up on your anxiety, you are feeding it.

Far better to invest your energy in trying to quell your own anxiety than trying to control your ex.

Ah, I would love for all these things not to be big events. Unfortunately, they are for us and many other ASD families.

Depends on the kid as well as the parent. When I was little and I said to my dad "Is it going to hurt?" he'd say, "Yep, dare say it will a bit."

I was happy with that. I felt I wasn't being lied to, and it helped me face it.

I have one daughter who'd much rather have that kind of answer, and another who'd always go for the numbing-cream-and-muffin approach.

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow OP didn't "prime her" to be fearful. She told her she was having a blood test and the child's reaction was fearful (which is not in the least uncommon). So OP responded by meeting her child'd emotional needs, taking her fear seriously and giving her both something to mitigate it (the numbing cream) and something to look forward to after it (the muffin).

This is excellent, responsive parenting. OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted. This thread could and should have gone very differently.[/quote]
How many blood tests have you done on children? Because I have got the evidence of my own eyes, thousands of times. I've met a lot of parents like the OP, and their kids do worse than the bright and breezy parents.

It's natural for a child to be fearful of a new experience. The OP did a bang on job of reinforcing her DD"s fears and confirming that there was something to be afraid of.

@WorraLiberty

OP, you say your very sensitive daughter needs preparing

But why on earth did you tell her this evening when it's not until tomorrow morning??

She now has all night to unnecessarily fret about it

And yet you feel your husband was the one in the wrong?

She would panic if I only told her tomorrow morning. As it is we have dealt with it so she is ok. Just need to reiterate tomorrow. Believe me, it takes years of trial and error to find what works. And yes, I thought my ex was in the wrong as he scared her when I'd just calmed her.

Nobody - least of all the OP - has said anything even vaguely resembling your second paragraph. You've made it up (and it isn't very good, so don't give up your day job)

Many posters have suggested the "suck it up, it's nothing" approach.

Nobody's said "suck it up, it's nothing", either, so clearly you're familiar with the concept of making things up.

By going on about numbing cream (i.e. anaesthetic) and needing treats to "transition" away, OP clearly implied to her DD that the procedure is very painful. She also clearly thinks DD must be protected from perfectly normal light-hearted empathising (however misguided) because she's too sensitive to cope.

@grey12

Mine calmed her, his scared her! So yes, mine was better!

No, you reacted to her response 🤷🏻‍♀️ her dad didn't. His answer was quite good! Tbh my answer wouldn't have been so kind I'm very straightforward when it comes to medical procedures: it has to be done, it has to be done!!!

Good for you if that works! That wouldn't work for me or either of my autistic DC.

@UKRAINEwearewithyou

I often find that children are more anxious if the parent is anxious and more calm if the parent is. Some parents make blood tests to be big things and others take them in their stride, this impacts on how the child perceives if it will hurt or not.

To burst into tears at the thought of a blood test does sound overly dramatic though.

She is not overly dramatic! She is a highly sensitive autistic child!

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I'm a teacher not a nurse, but I have a reasonable grasp of how children develop. It's different experience from yours, but equally useful, I think.

I've met plenty of nurses - and doctors - who didn't have an ounce of humanity in them and treated their patients like pieces of meat. I'm sure you're not one of those - but we don't know, do we.

The "bright and breezy" approach may appear to "work" in that it makes your job easier. Children handled in this way will generally suppress and swallow their feelings because they know there is no comfort available. It doesn't mean they don't feel fear or that they wouldn't have been better off with a gentler approach.

And for children like OP's DD, who are fearful from the moment of being told about the blood test, the "bright and breezy" approach is invalidating and ultimately damaging.