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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:45

@Bromse

Blood tests don't take long so any pain, which isn't much, is soon over. I hope your daughter is OK, op.
Thank you
OP posts:
Zwellers · 07/03/2022 19:45

Your ex told the truth. But you seem determined to point out you are the best parent ever and never wrong. You are setting yourself and your dd up perfectly for blood test related dramas. Bet that will his fault too

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/03/2022 19:46

I had just reassured her it wouldn't hurt and then he just made clear it would be extremely unpleasant

Then....

Being gas lit that 'no it doesn't hurt atall!' that's what causes the damage

So you were gaslighting her?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:46

[quote FantasticFebruary]@UndertheCedartree

You're the one that was there
You're the one that knows your DD

You have Autism & your DD most likely dies too. Ignore the stupid & nasty replies. It seems like it's butching hour on MN.

You ex DH is a twunt.

Good Luck with the blood test in the morning![/quote]
Thank you so much and for understanding. My brain has gone all jumbled up that so many people don't seem to understand!

OP posts:
HeadacheGrey · 07/03/2022 19:47

@BeHappy91818

I have a child with ASD, stop using that as an excuse. You are being dramatic and over the top.
I know, right.

What a lot of bloody fuss over nothing.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:49

@WiddlinDiddlin

No idea what you've done to bring out the wilful misunderstanders and determined disagreers here...

I get it OP - you've had to tell her, had to calm her down.

The next thing she hears is her dad doing dramatic sarky 'OOoooooooooh you won't like thaaaaaaaaaaaat' bordering on intentially winding her up again.

He is a twat. A thoughtless stupid twat. Next time he opens his gob and says somethign stupid to her, tell her (appropriately) 'ignore your Dad he's being a dramatic idiot ... again!'

Yes, thank you, that is it! The eye way you wrote it made me laugh too!

I find it so strange that lots of people think they know my daughter and what works for her better than I do! It has taken blood, sweat and tears to get to a point of being able to deal with these things well. But one post on MN and people know exactly how to deal with DD, just like that! Grin

OP posts:
Zwellers · 07/03/2022 19:50

We understand. We just don't agree. There's a difference.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:50

@WorraLiberty no - @WiddlinDiddlin got it. That was exactly what happened.

OP posts:
Copasetic · 07/03/2022 19:51

I really can't see the big deal about that comment. I know me or my husband could well have made similar comments. My husband and both my daughters are a bit needed phobic (he comes from a whole family who are the same). They all make light of it, lightly tease each other and it is no big deal. We don't tiptoe round being scared to make certain comments.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:52

@cuno

OP: AIBU? Everyone: Yes, YABU. OP: No I'm not!
Well, plenty of people have agreed with me! However, as I said it was just a vent!
OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/03/2022 19:53

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I'm a teacher not a nurse, but I have a reasonable grasp of how children develop. It's different experience from yours, but equally useful, I think.

I've met plenty of nurses - and doctors - who didn't have an ounce of humanity in them and treated their patients like pieces of meat. I'm sure you're not one of those - but we don't know, do we.

The "bright and breezy" approach may appear to "work" in that it makes your job easier. Children handled in this way will generally suppress and swallow their feelings because they know there is no comfort available. It doesn't mean they don't feel fear or that they wouldn't have been better off with a gentler approach.

And for children like OP's DD, who are fearful from the moment of being told about the blood test, the "bright and breezy" approach is invalidating and ultimately damaging.[/quote]
You do realise we're talking about a blood test, not amputating the kid's leg with a rusty saw?

I have had the misfortune (because it's horrible to see kids suffer) of dealing with kids with horrible injuries, and life-limiting illness. No one in their right mind would advocate a bright and breezy approach for them - they are traumatised.

But the whole point about the OP's drama llama approach is that we are talking a one-off blood test that may not even hurt, thanks to EMLA/Ametop. What the OP has achieved is a child who is now anxious and fearful about what will hopefully be a total non-event.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:54

@WeirdlyKind - but don't you think in the past almost 10 years, I've learnt what works for my DD. She was scared at the thought of the blood test, I explained the plan, which calmed her. I mean, I could have done it your way and not been able to get her anywhere near the hospital!

OP posts:
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 19:55

Maybe next time, after you’ve calmed her down, you could not bring it all up again straight away in front of someone else?

The whole thing could so easily have been avoided.

But you seem intent on ignoring this repeated point.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:56

@WorraLiberty

As I've said I needed to prepare her.

You've given her a whole night to fret about it.

Why would you do that?

Because she won't fret, she'll feel prepared and able to process it.
OP posts:
Arabellla · 07/03/2022 19:56

I know exactly what does and does not help my DC. I get it for some DC this just would not even register as an issue. But that just isn't the case here. As their mum, I deal with my DC, day in and day out and I know exactly what helps. Of course not all ND DC are the same!

If you knew all hat, why not go and talk to him beforehand to warn him? He was downstairs.

Sounds like you set him up to fail.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:58

@Sirzy

Taking her upstairs to tell her on her own is making a big thing of it. And then you had to bring it up again when downstairs to tell her dad.

Ds has had many procedures over the years and has had play therapy to help him prepare for the bigger ones. The key from them has always been keep it simple, keep it factual. Don’t make a big song and dance about it. As PP said children can feed of parental anxiety.

No, it wasn't making a big thing of it. She needs quiet to concentrate. DD also has Play therapy which has been very helpful and in agreement with my approach. Different things work for different DC.
OP posts:
NukesOfHazard · 07/03/2022 19:58

Honestly, if you’re dealing with autism, then no wonder you’re annoyed that he was insensitive

Some posters on here seem to have no idea how stressful it is to deal with really super sensitive children. My son is autistic and I am basically walking on eggshell much of the time. Luckily he’s very gung ho on medical stuff but a wrong look from a Teacher can have him in cosleeping anxiety manoeuvres for weeks on end. People including my own parents thought I was “mollycoddling” him all the time but were much more understanding once he had a formal diagnosis.

Op - if you think your daughter’s autistic at least get a diagnosis. That way people will become obliged to being more sensitive and kind around her .

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:59

@Shiloh139

I don't think it was unreasonable of him but I understand why you're annoyed about it, given DD's reaction. I put it on a par with all those people who say to kids who are starting primary school "Oooh, are you nervous/scared?". It can plant the seed that there is something to be nervous/scared about, but people were not asking that question with malicious intent, and hopefully the same is true of your ex and his comment.
Oh no, not malicious, atall.
OP posts:
username9871028 · 07/03/2022 19:59

Yabu

BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:00

Fuck me, some of these replies. I can only think they have never dealt with a child with anxiety for any reason or if they have they’re not dealing with it well. You know your child and how to approach these situations, her dad needs to be able to do that too.

Hope all goes well with the blood test for her. Make sure it’s a big muffin! 🧁

MabelsApron · 07/03/2022 20:00

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you were a child with a rare ultra-sensitivity who apparently suffered trauma through not being treated as if you were about to undergo brain surgery, and you now have a child who is exactly the same way.

And I say this as someone ND who went through an actual medical trauma involving needles at your DD’s age.

Your DH WNBU and honestly I think both you and your DD need to learn better techniques for managing everyday life.

Roseandgeranium · 07/03/2022 20:00

The worst being when I was in hospital with Covid, he gave his opinion in front of the DC that I might die!! He says he just doesn't think and is pretty apologetic when I point it out.

What the actual fuck! I said YABU about the comment in the OP but this one is completely bananas. Fair enough to think about preparing the child for a bad outcome if you’d gone onto a ventilator but otherwise it’s just terrifying the poor kid for no reason. What a tosser.

CourtRand · 07/03/2022 20:01

That's just something you say to everyone before a blood test. Trust me as someone who gets a lot of them and has a massive phobia (under psych management to get the tests done) it's literally what almost everyone says automatically.

He didn't know you'd just spent ages calming her down. I think you've being a bit harsh on him for one comment, but I get how annoying it is.

If it helps her at all I don't even feel them going in and they take less than 30 seconds generally.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:02

@Cognoscenti

But... No one would look forward to a blood test. It sounds like telling her in advance and making a bit of a fuss with numbing cream and muffins, etc. probably didn't help either. I'm not sure why there's so much mention of neurotypes, but I'm ND with GAD and a panic disorder if it makes a difference, and I don't think he said anything wrong.
We are all different. But ASD kids (and adults) often need preparing and scaffold for the transition. It works for her. You might not think he said anything wrong, that's fine. Luckily, he realises he said something wrong as he scared her.
OP posts:
BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:03

He didn't know you'd just spent ages calming her down. I think you've being a bit harsh on him for one comment, but I get how annoying it is.

It as her dad, he should have known this is the sort of situation which his daughter could feel very anxious about. The default is to play situations like this down when you have a sensitive and anxious child.