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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 19:16

So OP - why, after calming her down, did you come downstairs and bring it all up again? I’m really confused on this point.

whysoserious123 · 07/03/2022 19:17

His comment was silly but meant no harm
Your comment was silly but meant no harm
DD crying was silly but meant no harm
All involved are silly but meant no harm

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:17

@cuno

You're the one who heightened her anxieties to begin with. I wouldn't present having to have a blood test to a child as something that requires numbing cream and a muffin at the cafe afterwards as a treat. It makes it into something bigger and scarier. I am needle phobic and would not have handled the situation the way you did, as that's projecting adult fears onto a child. And what will you do if numbing cream isn't given to your child? She will find it a lot harder to cope with as you have already set the bar that the numbing cream is required for the pain.
No I didn't. She was petrified as soon as I told her she needed a blood test. I calmed her by telling her she could have numbing cream so hopefully it won't hurt or only a little. I then explained what we would do next so she has a scaffold to transition to and it is something nice. That is what works for her. Numbing cream is available.
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:18

@Bramblesr

Is she having it at the practice?
No, at the hospital.
OP posts:
SpanishFly · 07/03/2022 19:19

Eek. I haven't rtft, but why were you so dramatic about a blood test in the first place?
They're not awful, and numbing cream sounds very OTT about something so nothingy, then also effectively saying "and even if the numbing cream doesn't fully work, we'll battle through it and then have a special treat as a reward for the huge trauma" is making it out to be something utterly terrifying.

And if she was sooo upset, then why wouldn't you prewarn her dad, rather than making a massive announcement in front of her? He's not a mind reader

BurntO · 07/03/2022 19:19

It’s a very normal thing to say…YABU if you’re being grumpy with him about it.

lboogy · 07/03/2022 19:19

@fucketyfuckwit

You sound like really hard work.
This. What a load of drama over nothing. I guess when you hate someone, them breathing is annoying
Stressedout1009 · 07/03/2022 19:20

@whysoserious123

His comment was silly but meant no harm Your comment was silly but meant no harm DD crying was silly but meant no harm All involved are silly but meant no harm
I think this is the best description of the situation. It doesn't need to be made a big deal of. Tbh I don't think he said anything bad. Just don't focus on this and make it light hearted. Hope the blood test goes well.
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:21

@Seeriously

Haven’t read all comments. But when my kids have had bloods I always make it sound like it’s not a big deal and say it won’t hurt at all. The hospitals have usually said the more anxious children are usually with the more anxious parents. You don’t need numbing cream. They can spray the cold spray on it and it numbs it immediately and she won’t feel the poke at all. Important to downplay it and just say it’s nothing to worry about and people do it all the time.
That doesn't work for my DC. It didn't work for me. My parents did that and it was awful. I'm not anxious about it as we have a good plan in place, my DD is not anxious either. I expect she will be a bit tomorrow but I'll remind her of the plan and she'll be ok.
OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/03/2022 19:22

Did you start the conversation with “you need a blood test” if so no wonder she was scared!

“The doctor wants to see why your ….. so we have to go tomorrow and let them do a test to see why. They will put some cream on your hand and then a bit later then will put a tiny needle into your hand (it may scratch a bit) and then take a bit of blood out but you won’t feel that bit. Then it’s done”

Simple. Factual. No overly emotive language.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:22

@Arabellla

Being gas lit that 'no it doesn't hurt atall!' that's what causes the damage

Maybe he had the same idea, OP?

No he didn't! He didn't think, according to him.
OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/03/2022 19:25

@sadpapercourtesan

You're not "setting her up" to have a bad experience at all Confused

There is a school of thought (on MN and elsewhere) that children are weakened and softened by having their emotional needs met (often referred to as being "pandered to"). It is bollocks. Children do not develop resilience or inner confidence from being dropped in the deep end, jollied along when they are terrified, or given the message that their fears and feelings are silly and trivial. They develop resilience through being valued and taught to value themselves, which includes taking their struggles seriously and not dismissing their fears.

There is a massive difference between lying to kids/dismissing their fears versus priming them to be fearful, which is that the OP has done.

I have done thousands - probably tens of thousands of blood tests on children. The kids who have been primed to be fearful experience more pain and distress. Fear feeds pain.

Icemast · 07/03/2022 19:25

I have to prepare her or her anxiety will go through the roof!

Cripes I've had loads of blood tests and don't mind them, but I am starting to feel anxious reading your posts and I don't have one tomorrow even! He didn't say anything out of the ordinary.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:25

@narcdad

I think your getting a hard time from those saying your dd is being dramatic and overly sensitive, she's only 9! I'm 44 and bloody hate blood tests!

Your ex sounds like he meant no harm with the comment but it was a bit insensitive.

Hope it goes ok for your dd.

I know but I'm used to it! I was that sensitive child who was always being 'dramatic'! It screwed me up a lot. I wasn't being dramatic, it was how I felt and I felt things deeply and was sensitive to pain. Luckily that experience has helped me know how to calm my DC. You are right he meant no harm, he was just thoughtless. Thank you, I'm sure the thought of a lovely blueberry muffin will get DD through! Grin
OP posts:
momtoboys · 07/03/2022 19:26

How old is your daughter?

Cma1988 · 07/03/2022 19:27

OP you do sound like hard work. I thought the comment would have been much worse by the way you are carrying on. Yea, it’s a careless thing to say, but so are things like “cheer up, might never happen” or similar things that people just say when they want something to say. It’s hard to know what to say in those circumstances to a child - you don’t want to be overly positive or negative and maybe he didn’t think, but seriously, you are carrying on as if he told her the whole procedure and how much it would hurt when actually, he didn’t say that, did he. He just implied she wouldn’t be looking forward to it, which, she said wasn’t. I think you need to chill.

Concestor · 07/03/2022 19:27

YANBU op but neurotypical people do not understand autistic children and how they need handling. I'm also autistic with autistic children, one of whom has had to have a lot of blood tests recently, and despite me being very calm personally and not minding needles it has been a nightmare with total meltdowns even with numbing cream. And she's 12.

Your ex's comment was totally unhelpful.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 19:27

This. What a load of drama over nothing. I guess when you hate someone, them breathing is annoying

To think you don't say this to a child!
sadpapercourtesan · 07/03/2022 19:27

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow OP didn't "prime her" to be fearful. She told her she was having a blood test and the child's reaction was fearful (which is not in the least uncommon). So OP responded by meeting her child'd emotional needs, taking her fear seriously and giving her both something to mitigate it (the numbing cream) and something to look forward to after it (the muffin).

This is excellent, responsive parenting. OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted. This thread could and should have gone very differently.

Concestor · 07/03/2022 19:29

Oh, and get the cream as the cold spray caused my daughter massive sensory issues and she refused to have the bloods done when they tried to use that. You just need to call the surgery a few days before and get it prescribed.

mummykel16 · 07/03/2022 19:29

@UndertheCedartree

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

So you both managed to make a nine year old cry over a simple blood test. Class parenting there.
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 19:29

And still no answer on why you came downstairs with her and brought it all up again in front of her.

This was way worse than his comment, which it could strongly be argued, was just him trying to empathise.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 19:30

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow OP didn't "prime her" to be fearful. She told her she was having a blood test and the child's reaction was fearful (which is not in the least uncommon). So OP responded by meeting her child'd emotional needs, taking her fear seriously and giving her both something to mitigate it (the numbing cream) and something to look forward to after it (the muffin).

This is excellent, responsive parenting. OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted. This thread could and should have gone very differently.[/quote]
Excellent parenting wouldn't have involved telling a very sensitive child the evening before, so she an fret all night.

Cognoscenti · 07/03/2022 19:30

@zurala

YANBU op but neurotypical people do not understand autistic children and how they need handling. I'm also autistic with autistic children, one of whom has had to have a lot of blood tests recently, and despite me being very calm personally and not minding needles it has been a nightmare with total meltdowns even with numbing cream. And she's 12.

Your ex's comment was totally unhelpful.

I'm autistic and don't understand why the OP caused so much drama over that comment. Yes the appointment will need to be handled differently, but a fairly benign comment has been blown up into a big drama (which probably doesn't help the CF feel any calmer).
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:30

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

If she's inherited the ND from her dad as well as her mum then you might need to take into account different ND communication styles. I'm diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and might very well say to someone "I bet you're not looking forward to that" if they've got some minor unpleasant thing coming up. And if someone said it to me, I'd appreciate it as an expression of their sympathy.

I'm not sure your DD being ND is the most relevant factor, more that it's an unknown procedure and you've encouraged her to think it's a huge traumatic thing. He wasn't to know you'd primed her to think of a blood test as a big painful procedure that merits anaesthetic and food rewards.

She's inherited it from me, not her dad. I think it is very relevant actually and why most people don't understand needing to prepare her. I've encouraged her to see it as something she has the tools to deal with. Therefore non-traumatic. That might not work for you, but it does for her. It can be a very painful experience - why do you think numbing cream is used? We don't all feel pain the same way. And it's not a good reward, it is just a pleasant transition.
OP posts: