To think you don't say this to a child!

[UndertheCedartree]

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

I knew about it then 1 second later spoke to her.
So you rush into telling your daughter these things the moment you learn them yourself? Why do you think that's a sensible approach?

@Regularsizedrudy

“ I had loads of needles as a DC. I'm very sensitive too and had some traumatic situations. But having the cream calmed me.”

You are projecting your experience on to her. Your setting her up to have a bad experience.

No, I'm not. I'm doing what my parents should have done and what would have meant I wasn't traumatised.

I think people are missing the point - yes, it would be fine to say this to some children under some circumstances. It clearly was a stupid and insensitive thing to say to this particular child under these circumstances - and one might reasonably expect the child's father to know that!

I think you’re making this a massive issue to your daughter when it could just be breezed through. She’s anticipating a massive ordeal that needs cuddles but the whole thing is over in 30seconds.

@sadpapercourtesan

I think people are missing the point - yes, it would be fine to say this to some children under some circumstances. It clearly was a stupid and insensitive thing to say to this particular child under these circumstances - and one might reasonably expect the child's father to know that!

Thank you - exactly that! I'm sorry if I didn't explain properly in my OP, I was upset.

@WiddlinDiddlin

No idea what you've done to bring out the wilful misunderstanders and determined disagreers here...

I get it OP - you've had to tell her, had to calm her down.

The next thing she hears is her dad doing dramatic sarky 'OOoooooooooh you won't like thaaaaaaaaaaaat' bordering on intentially winding her up again.

He is a twat. A thoughtless stupid twat. Next time he opens his gob and says somethign stupid to her, tell her (appropriately) 'ignore your Dad he's being a dramatic idiot ... again!'

What on EARTH are you on about?

This is a case of...

OP: 'Am I Being Unreasonable? Has my ex behaved badly?'

Vast majority of posters: 'YES you are being unreasonable and your ex has done nothing wrong.'

OP: 'No I'm not, you're all wrong,' (adds drip feed...)

WTF is the point of posting on here, asking 'AIBU,' if you're just going to submit post after post after post insisting you are NOT being unreasonable, and that everyone who says you are is WRONG?

I agree with the majority @UndertheCedartree YOU are the one causing your DD to be worried about her blood test. NOT your ex.

No, I'm not. I'm doing what my parents should have done and what would have meant I wasn't traumatised.

And by doing so projecting your fears and anxieties onto her.

All with good intention I am sure but hopefully this thread makes you realise that actually maybe you haven’t handled things right in this case. And that’s fine it happens but it’s always good to learn so you know what may work better in future.

Your approach also had her burst into tears which doesn’t suggest it’s the most effective really does it?

So you calmed her down, then came down stairs and re-litigated it. Why?

Why not text him later to let him know?

Especially when you know he has form?

That just seems like such an odd thing to do - for two reasons!

@WorraLiberty

I don't think your partner should have mentioned to her that it was going to hurt so I do think he's unreasonable there.

He didn't, did he?

Apologies if I missed the OP adding that bit.

That's totally my mistake sorry. From the way I was reading the thread and OPs responses I assumed it was something as bad as saying it would hurt. I do think saying she won't like it in that manner also isn't helpful but not as bad as OP makes out. I think OPs response is worse

I think you going on about cuddles, muffins and everything else is far worse when it comes to scaring her.

He literally said I bet you're not looking forward to that. Who does? I have bloods every 3 weeks and I can't say I'm bouncing off the walls pissing myself with excitement.

But you 'preparing' her with rewards about these muffins and cuddles just makes it 100% more or a big deal than anything your ex said.

Why is it okay for you to make it into a huge thing about all these rewards, but your ex can't make a comment?

A 'look, you've got a blood test tomorrow. It's a ring scratch and may sting for 30 seconds and you're done' would've been a lot more practical than muffins and cuddles.

You’re hugely overreacting…

You're not "setting her up" to have a bad experience at all

There is a school of thought (on MN and elsewhere) that children are weakened and softened by having their emotional needs met (often referred to as being "pandered to"). It is bollocks. Children do not develop resilience or inner confidence from being dropped in the deep end, jollied along when they are terrified, or given the message that their fears and feelings are silly and trivial. They develop resilience through being valued and taught to value themselves, which includes taking their struggles seriously and not dismissing their fears.

@WorraLiberty

Christ alive OP!

Do you take to the internet to complain every time your DH makes a little comment that you wouldn't have?

Give him a break. He was trying to sympathise with her.

I hope he'll be the one taking her on the day if this is how you overreact.

I think I've only ever complained about him once before on here. So no!

No, he wasn't trying to sympathise with her. He just frightened her.

And no, he won't take her because 'you're much better at dealing with the DC'. Maybe if he 'dealt' with them more he'd know how to not frighten them.

Sorry OP but I do think YABU here and I do think that you made the situation worse by talking of numbing cream, muffins, cuddles etc. As a ND family here, I would have said along the lines of "you'll be having a blood test tomorrow, it might hurt a little bit, but it will be over quickly". She may not have needed numbing cream, she may have dealt with it in her stride and got over it quickly. Now you've built it up to be a potentially horrendous event which will requite a considerable amount of comfort afterwards.
By all means prepare her - factually, but not emotionally. And be ready afterwards for cuddles and muffins.
I don't think your ex handled it brilliantly either, but it wasn't as bad.

I didn't dismiss her feelings, I gave her help with dealing with them. He just made her feel scared and out of control.

You helped deal with her feelings? Over such a throwaway comment?

I think your anxiety is projecting into her a lot more than you realise.
Really bizarre thing to get het up about.

@cuno

I knew about it then 1 second later spoke to her. So you rush into telling your daughter these things the moment you learn them yourself? Why do you think that's a sensible approach?

Exactly. I think all of this fuss is far more about the OP than her DD.

She's projecting her anxieties onto her DD and onto her ex as well and now the DD will probably be awake tonight worrying about it when she didn't need to know until the morning.

Meanwhile, the OP is the only parent out of the two who knows her child and knows how to do everything 'perfectly'.

Never have I wanted to hear the dad's take on all of this more than I do right now

The muffin is about transitioning out of it. Knowing what is coming next and that it is something nice!

Any chance she's been subconscuously trained that the more fuss she's made about some minor thing, the more likely she'll get treats? Not deliberate manipulation by her, but accidental conditioning by you?

You could’ve just not said anything to him in front of her, and the whole storm in a tea cup could’ve been completely avoided. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TallywallyAnn

Ignore the comments about your child being sensitive. So what if she is? I know some adults that don’t like needles and have a bit of a tizz over blood tests/injections etc.

I do get what you’re saying but I don’t think he meant any harm. Might be worth you asking him to speak to your DC again to put her at ease.

My daughter had to have blood tests for the first time a year or so ago and she freaked a little before but actually found them fine and now is absolutely fine with the idea of having another. I held her hand throughout and asked her questions about school, her friends etc during and throughout to distract her slightly and it meant she was looking at me and not the needle. She knew what I was doing but it did take the edge off.

No, he didn't mean any harm! He just doesn't think before he speaks because dealing with the DC is 'my thing'. He always gets me to calm her down because 'I'm better at it!'. Although, my BF had to do it when I was in hospital with Covid as he commented on front of the DC that I might die!

@TallywallyAnn

Ignore the comments about your child being sensitive. So what if she is? I know some adults that don’t like needles and have a bit of a tizz over blood tests/injections etc.

I do get what you’re saying but I don’t think he meant any harm. Might be worth you asking him to speak to your DC again to put her at ease.

My daughter had to have blood tests for the first time a year or so ago and she freaked a little before but actually found them fine and now is absolutely fine with the idea of having another. I held her hand throughout and asked her questions about school, her friends etc during and throughout to distract her slightly and it meant she was looking at me and not the needle. She knew what I was doing but it did take the edge off.

Thank you for the tips!

OP, you're being way over dramatic and quite vindictive.

Saying "Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that" is not "scaring the life out of her". You are being really unfair.

And no, he won't take her because 'you're much better at dealing with the DC'. Maybe if he 'dealt' with them more he'd know how to not frighten them.

Did he not 'deal' with them for a year and a half when you were having your hospital treatment and could only see them at weekends?

@MissMaple82

I don't think she's being over sensitive at all. She's a child who has never experienced a blood test! She has every right to be scared and her mum has every right to comfort her. I once had a horrific experience with a blood test when I was a teen at school, blood poured out my arm, my school shirt turned almost completely red, it looked like I'd been stabbed, I then fainted in the corridor. My point is, blood tests are not always a miniscule thing for everyone.

I agree.

You sound like really hard work.

@anonanonanon123

I think both your comments were silly and making it into a bigger deal and feeding her anxiety. His was totally stupid but yours wasn't much better. Numbing cream and saying it is painful? You barely even feel blood being taken. I would have been reassuring her of that and that it's not a big deal, because it isn't.

That may be your experience. It is not mine. She has very sensitive skin too. It can be painful but we can deal with it.