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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:51

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

The muffin is about transitioning out of it. Knowing what is coming next and that it is something nice!

Any chance she's been subconscuously trained that the more fuss she's made about some minor thing, the more likely she'll get treats? Not deliberate manipulation by her, but accidental conditioning by you?

No, I don't think so. My autistic DS for example was very sensitive years before I'd figured out how difficult transitions were for him. And honestly, she's not making a fuss. She is scared!
OP posts:
ClumpingBambooIsALie · 07/03/2022 20:52

Fair enough, was just wondering — it can be so easy to unintentionally reinforce stuff you don't mean to.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:53

@JuneBug94

I think you going on about cuddles, muffins and everything else is far worse when it comes to scaring her.

He literally said I bet you're not looking forward to that. Who does? I have bloods every 3 weeks and I can't say I'm bouncing off the walls pissing myself with excitement.

But you 'preparing' her with rewards about these muffins and cuddles just makes it 100% more or a big deal than anything your ex said.

Why is it okay for you to make it into a huge thing about all these rewards, but your ex can't make a comment?

A 'look, you've got a blood test tomorrow. It's a ring scratch and may sting for 30 seconds and you're done' would've been a lot more practical than muffins and cuddles.

But it wouldn't have worked and the blood test wouldn't have happened. Look, I don't want to keep repeating. Maybe that works with your DC. It doesn't with either of mine.
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:55

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck

So you calmed her down, then came down stairs and re-litigated it. Why?

Why not text him later to let him know?

Especially when you know he has form?

That just seems like such an odd thing to do - for two reasons!

I actually just said it quietly, my DD didn't hear. But yes, I won't make the same mistake twice!
OP posts:
cuno · 07/03/2022 20:56

If your DD didn't hear, why did she get so upset she was scared to death by what he said?

ElephantLover · 07/03/2022 20:57

Regarding the blood tests - my DD recently had one. She's 14 but it was her first time. The nurses were fab. They couldn't put numbing cream as she wasn't a child Hmm but they totally distracted her, didn't let her watch and used the tiniest needle possible. She barely felt the scratch and was surprised when they said it's over.

I am sure along with the numbing cream it will be ok for your 9 year old, I guess it's more the 'idea' of it that's scary.

Hope this helps Smile

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:57

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck

So OP - why, after calming her down, did you come downstairs and bring it all up again? I’m really confused on this point.
I just quietly out of ear shot of DD, calmly told him she had a blood test. I didn't think I'd be ',bringing it all up'. DD and I had dealt with it and it didn't seem a big thing! (Despite everyone telling me I made it a big thing!)
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:58

If it wasn't a big thing then what was wrong with telling her dad she had a blood test? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:59

@whysoserious123

His comment was silly but meant no harm Your comment was silly but meant no harm DD crying was silly but meant no harm All involved are silly but meant no harm
I like this! Grin
OP posts:
Fudgein · 07/03/2022 20:59

Hi! Just incase this helps your DD, you can watch videos on YouTube of children having blood taken, and most children's hospitals have videos for various procedures! I recommend them for all my patients & it is far better to be prepared for most children the ones who have it sprung on them usually feel 'tricked' and if they end up needing more bloods it can lead to further problems. I would always give a child numbing cream if needed however it can take up to 45mins to work & this can make some children worse as they panic whilst waiting, we also offer a numbing spray which is instant but you know which your DD would prefer! I know this isn't your AIBU but just thought it may be useful from the perspective of someone who regularly takes bloods from children.

SpanishFly · 07/03/2022 21:00

Why did you take her away from her dad to explain it, then calm her down, then tell him? Why not tell her while he was there?

Sirzy · 07/03/2022 21:00

You can’t complain that he doesn’t do anything and then leave him out of discussions about things like this when he is sat downstairs though!

Springhassprung86 · 07/03/2022 21:00

Honestly OP, I really don’t know why you post these threads to ask for opinions when you’re so convinced you’re in the right.
It was the same in the last thread about her being too unwell to be in school.

Whinge · 07/03/2022 21:01

I actually just said it quietly, my DD didn't hear.

If your DD didn't hear your comment why would she burst into tears at his comment? She wouldn't know what he was talking about her, and he didn't mention the blood test, he just said 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!'

HeadacheGrey · 07/03/2022 21:03

I just quietly out of ear shot of DD

You’re changing your story now OP Grin

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 07/03/2022 21:03

@UndertheCedartree

Not all autistic children are highly sensitive.

You may not see it but you do come over as very dramatic and making a mountain out of a molehill. You appear totally unable to see any other perspective.

If you present something as going to hurt as in needing numbing cream etc etc then don't be surprised if a child becomes anxious and fearful. She burst into tears and yet you say she has never had the procedure before. Parent's anxiety and the way things are presented most definitely affect the way a chid reacts whether on the spectrum or not. Try a different approach in future and see if she bursts into tears then. Might be worth a try.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/03/2022 21:03

@Fudgein

Hi! Just incase this helps your DD, you can watch videos on YouTube of children having blood taken, and most children's hospitals have videos for various procedures! I recommend them for all my patients & it is far better to be prepared for most children the ones who have it sprung on them usually feel 'tricked' and if they end up needing more bloods it can lead to further problems. I would always give a child numbing cream if needed however it can take up to 45mins to work & this can make some children worse as they panic whilst waiting, we also offer a numbing spray which is instant but you know which your DD would prefer! I know this isn't your AIBU but just thought it may be useful from the perspective of someone who regularly takes bloods from children.
Yes, this is a great idea. Preparation and honesty are good, priming to be afraid is bad.
cuno · 07/03/2022 21:03

@Whinge

I actually just said it quietly, my DD didn't hear.

If your DD didn't hear your comment why would she burst into tears at his comment? She wouldn't know what he was talking about her, and he didn't mention the blood test, he just said 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!'

Exactly my thoughts. And it took 14 pages for the OP to come up with this after many people had asked and asked. Something smells fishy.
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:04

@SpanishFly

Eek. I haven't rtft, but why were you so dramatic about a blood test in the first place? They're not awful, and numbing cream sounds very OTT about something so nothingy, then also effectively saying "and even if the numbing cream doesn't fully work, we'll battle through it and then have a special treat as a reward for the huge trauma" is making it out to be something utterly terrifying.

And if she was sooo upset, then why wouldn't you prewarn her dad, rather than making a massive announcement in front of her? He's not a mind reader

Well, as you haven't RTFT, I'll explain again! DD is very sensitive, in lots of ways including to pain. I am too. Numbing cream is my best bet for it not to be a traumatic experience. DD is very anxious about the blood test, the plan to use numbing cream makes her feel calmer. The muffin isn't a reward it is a way to help her transition out of the scary bit. Her play therapist recommended it and it is very effective.

I shouldn't need to pre-warn dad, he should know what his DD is like by now. I quietly told him she had a blood test - it wasn't a 'massive announcement'!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:05

@BurntO

It’s a very normal thing to say…YABU if you’re being grumpy with him about it.
Not being grumpy with him about it. I asked him why he said it. He said he didn't think before he said it.
OP posts:
Mocara · 07/03/2022 21:06

Dear god op , go back through the thread and count how many times youve said "me" "me" "me " what you would have wanted , how you were made feel ,what would have worked for you.
Your daughter is not you ! What you wanted didnt work for her it just created drama.
Even the most uneducated poster on here will agree that all nd children/ adults are unique and what works of one does not work for others. Stop projecting your needs on to her.

cuno · 07/03/2022 21:06

Numbing cream is my best bet for it not to be a traumatic experience.

Traumatic without numbing cream? Really? You are priming her fears whether you believe it or not.

SpanishFly · 07/03/2022 21:09

@UndertheCedartree
*Well, as you haven't RTFT, I'll explain again! DD is very sensitive, in lots of ways including to pain. I am too. Numbing cream is my best bet for it not to be a traumatic experience. DD is very anxious about the blood test, the plan to use numbing cream makes her feel calmer. The muffin isn't a reward it is a way to help her transition out of the scary bit. Her play therapist recommended it and it is very effective.

I shouldn't need to pre-warn dad, he should know what his DD is like by now. I quietly told him she had a blood test - it wasn't a 'massive announcement'!*

This is really mind-blowing, how very little of these possibly crucial details didn't make an appearance in the OP 😵‍💫
In any case, it still makes zero sense to say she's never had a blood test yet is very anxious - and then be furious that people are suggesting that the way you told her might be part of the issue.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:10

I was upset when I wrote this as everything is getting on top of me. Having to calm DD down again was just not something I needed! I didn't write very well as I was stressed and yes, there were drip feeds! Sometimes I don't realise something is relevant til it comes up.

Anyway, in essence I was upset as ex should know not to say this to his DD. I take the point that saying this to many DC would be fine.

I was upset, I sorted DD out, then asked ex why he said it. He said he didn't think but it was a silly thing to say to our specific DD. All sorted, the end.

OP posts:
SpanishFly · 07/03/2022 21:11

"Not being grumpy with him about it. I asked him why he said it. He said he didn't think before he said it."

So why on EARTH did you come on here to ask if YABU and vent about it?!?!?!?!?!