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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:31

Her mom made her cry too, how is she any better?

I’ve already answered that.

Whinge · 07/03/2022 20:32

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck

And still you refuse the answer the question *@UndertheCedartree*

Why did you calm her down and then come downstairs with her, and bring it all up again?

I’ll keep asking.

It's almost like she wanted to set her EX up and have a reason to get cross.

I don't see why the OP needed to bring it up again, and once she bought it up it feels like anything he said would have been wrong, so giving the OP a reason to vent and bitch about him. Sad

Cognoscenti · 07/03/2022 20:32

[quote UndertheCedartree]@Cognoscenti - I've explained how he said it/how it came across. I didn't call him an idiot! I just measured him to say he'd scared DD. He said he should have thought before he spoke! As of course he knows DD is sensitive to that kind of comment![/quote]
@UndertheCedartree There was a post by a different person saying that you should tell your DD her dad is dramatic and an idiot if it happens again, that was the post I meant, I know you didn't say that. 🙂

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:33

@MargaretThursday

It's not necessarily the parent's fault if she reacts badly.

I have 3 dc.
#1 no idea how they're react because they've never needed one.
#2 makes as much fuss as you can imagine.
#3 thinks blood tests are the most amazing fun, asks the nurse lots of questions, watched carefully (and faints afterwards). He's also majorly allergic to magic cream (think entire arm swollen)so doesn't get any numbing.

But with #2 I wouldn't leave it until the last minute, but I wouldn't tell her the night before or she'll have got herself into a state. You want to be as matter of fact as possible with her, and make it a brief conversation rather than a special one.
"You need a blood test to check for long covid, so we know what treatment is best. We're leaving at 9:15, and I need you to be back at school by 10:30 because I've got the shopping to pick up at 11."
If you start offering concessions then it doesn't actually help, especially next time. Because she always will want one more than what you've offered. Giving a time limit says she hasn't got time to mess about and pull her arm away as there isn't time.

The one thing I do give her is a dextrose tablet to suck. She got worried about fainting with the needle still in one time (as #3 has done) so I told her keeping her blood sugar up means she's less likely to faint. Mostly placebo, but it does work. She also then wants to get the injection done before it finishes dissolving. Grin

Thank you for the tips. I'm not sure if 'concessions' means the muffin. She will only want one as that is the plan.
OP posts:
amusedbush · 07/03/2022 20:34

Is it a full moon tonight?? The responses have been unusually aggressive and contrary today, even to the most innocuous questions Confused

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:35

@cuno

I knew about it then 1 second later spoke to her. So you rush into telling your daughter these things the moment you learn them yourself? Why do you think that's a sensible approach?
So she had plenty of time to prepare and process. And if I'd left it I might have forgotten! But mainly I needed to do it before dinner because then we have a routine to bed which would have been upset if we had to talk about it then.
OP posts:
Ellaraine · 07/03/2022 20:35

You are over reacting and sound highly strung. You are passing this onto your daughter.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 07/03/2022 20:36

Jesus, there's some amount of ableism in these comments.

Your NT child might be able to cope being surprised with a blood test the morning of, with minimal warning, but it's not unreasonable for OP to prepare her child the way she knows best. Especially as it involves a trip to a hospital which is likely to be scary in and of itself for a child.

The comment from her dad was thoughtless. In isolation, it doesn't seem like a big deal but as part of a pattern, I can absolutely understand the need to vent. I'm also autistic with an autistic DD and her grandfather often has a case of foot in mouth disease that can frustrate me as much as the comment made here.

Loginmystery · 07/03/2022 20:36

To be honest your talk seems a bit worse if I had to rate it. No need for it to be a big drama.

mummykel16 · 07/03/2022 20:38

This thread is about ops emotions not the child's.

So many replies are about her feelings and pushing them onto the child as if they are identical

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:38

@rainyskylight

I think you’re making this a massive issue to your daughter when it could just be breezed through. She’s anticipating a massive ordeal that needs cuddles but the whole thing is over in 30seconds.
Oh how I wish these things could be breezed through! I had many years wondering why my DC couldn't breeze through things like other children. Then I found he was autistic and got loads of advice around that/did lots of research. It helped us to be a bit nearer to breezing through things!
OP posts:
DaffodilDandilion · 07/03/2022 20:39

It sounds, from your post, that DD’s dad was trying to empathise with her, ie poor you, that’s not going to be very nice. It’s hard to parent any child perfectly but especially hard with ND kids.

Both my ND DS and my DD have had blood tests, both under the age of 5. They had Emla cream and the bloods were taken by specialist paediatric nurses. Neither of them felt a single thing, in fact with my DS I was advised to not even mention what was happening and to just distract him so he wasn’t even aware that anything was being done. Hopefully that can reassure you and your DD a little.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:39

@fucketyfuckwit

You sound like really hard work.
Yes, I can be! I found neuro typical people hard work. I'd probably find you hard work! Grin
OP posts:
HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 20:40

Oh how I wish these things could be breezed through! I had many years wondering why my DC couldn't breeze through things like other children. Then I found he was autistic and got loads of advice around that/did lots of research. It helped us to be a bit nearer to breezing through things!

It’s almost as if not bringing it all up again, after you came downstairs with her, might have helped!

But you insist on ignoring this helpful point @UndertheCedartree

mummykel16 · 07/03/2022 20:41

So, because

GreenSnot · 07/03/2022 20:42

Neither of you should have said anything. You made a mountain out of a molehill, no wonder the kid got stressed out. What her dad said was no worse than what you said though.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/03/2022 20:45

@CaffeineAndCrochet

Jesus, there's some amount of ableism in these comments.

Your NT child might be able to cope being surprised with a blood test the morning of, with minimal warning, but it's not unreasonable for OP to prepare her child the way she knows best. Especially as it involves a trip to a hospital which is likely to be scary in and of itself for a child.

The comment from her dad was thoughtless. In isolation, it doesn't seem like a big deal but as part of a pattern, I can absolutely understand the need to vent. I'm also autistic with an autistic DD and her grandfather often has a case of foot in mouth disease that can frustrate me as much as the comment made here.

There is a difference between preparing, and priming a child to feel fear.

And the DD doesn't have a diagnosis of autism. The OP is autistic, and thinks her DD is 'probably autistic'. The OP seems to have difficulty separating her own emotions and experiences from those of her daughter.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:45

@Sirzy

No, I'm not. I'm doing what my parents should have done and what would have meant I wasn't traumatised.

And by doing so projecting your fears and anxieties onto her.

All with good intention I am sure but hopefully this thread makes you realise that actually maybe you haven’t handled things right in this case. And that’s fine it happens but it’s always good to learn so you know what may work better in future.

Your approach also had her burst into tears which doesn’t suggest it’s the most effective really does it?

But she burst into tears because she needs a blood test. I could 't really hide that from her. I know I didn't write my OP correctly. But people saying my approach is wrong when it is years and blood, swear and tears in the making and this is what works! However, the approach that has no thought to it and does not work - that's just fine!

If there was another way that worked I'd be doing it. I am done so much research, so much speaking to autistic people or with autistic children, so much therapy and soul searching. My DD's therapist has contributed to this plan. It's my best shot honestly and it works! I can only do my best and I really am!

OP posts:
cuno · 07/03/2022 20:46

So she had plenty of time to prepare and process. And if I'd left it I might have forgotten! But mainly I needed to do it before dinner because then we have a routine to bed which would have been upset if we had to talk about it then.

That doesn't answer my question why you think it's a sensible approach to immediately offload information on your daughter the moment you learn it yourself. Both you and your daughter are ND and it seems like a recipe for disaster to immediately tell her these things. You can both take the time yourself to process the information and consider in full how to approach it with her, as well as give her enough time to prepare and process it. I'm sure there was more than only one single minute between that conversation and bed time, after all you had enough time to then bring it up to her dad in front of her and restart the process all over again. I don't accept that you would have forgotten about it, as you're still going on about it now and clearly it's on your mind a lot. And I don't think "in case I forget" is a good enough excuse to go about things this way, it's on you as the parent to remember your child's blood test so if you have problems with your memory you need to address that and sort it out.

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/03/2022 20:46

I feel rather sorry for DD’s dad. It sounds like he spends his life putting his foot in it and saying the wrong thing to his sensitive DD and ex.

mummykel16 · 07/03/2022 20:48

I don't know what her dad was meant to say when he was put on the spot

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:48

@WorraLiberty

And no, he won't take her because 'you're much better at dealing with the DC'. Maybe if he 'dealt' with them more he'd know how to not frighten them.

Did he not 'deal' with them for a year and a half when you were having your hospital treatment and could only see them at weekends?

Not really. In that I still had to deal with anything emotional or out of the norm. I mean he fed them, clothed them looked after them, of course. But I was still organising everything for them. If they were upset he would phone me to talk to them. If something needed researching it was me. That's how he has always been. I have to make all the decisions.
OP posts:
SpanishFly · 07/03/2022 20:49

So you ask if YABU to an innocuous comment, and most people say yes YABU.
You then ignore all the people asking why you brought it up again in front of her, when you had taken ages to calm her down.
You've also said that your ex said he had said it without thinking.
You're then cross when people don't know she's ND (even though that wasnt mentioned in the OP)

Every single part of it is such bizarre drama

San141 · 07/03/2022 20:50

I gave up reading a few pages back!! My son needed bloods taken (he was 7) it was 3 years after his big sister had been diagnosed with cancer. I didn't tell him anything other than the doctor wanted to check his blood to see what colour it was! He loved that and picked colours!! Xx

Whinge · 07/03/2022 20:50

@mummykel16

I don't know what her dad was meant to say when he was put on the spot
Me either. I've asked, but OP seems to be ignoring the question, as well as the why did you bring it up again in front of your DD again question.

Seems the poor guy would have been in for a rant no matter what he did. I suspect even if he had remained silent the OP would have berated him for that as well. 🙄