To think you don't say this to a child!

[UndertheCedartree]

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

You both made her cry
Nothing too wrong with what he said- what he said in hospital was unforgivable so maybe your still angry / upset from that ?

She needs bit more resilience can I recommend Claire baldings book

@Roselilly36

Only certain nurses can perform blood tests on u16’s at my GP practice, my DS had one when he was young, it was absolutely fine, didn’t hurt and was over before you knew it. He was quite interested/fascinated by it at the time tbh. The nurse said are you worried, he said no, I have been looking forward to it 😂 took her by surprise I can tell you.

Ah, bless him!

Stating that someone won't enjoy something isn't malicious? Who enjoys blood tests? No one. It's not as if he said "god your arm might fall off so prepare yourself" - simply commenting on the fact that she won't enjoy it is fine.

I think you on the other hand have built it up to be something way more scary - cuddles muffins etc? That's making it seem like the blood test is really traumatic and needs special treatment to get over when that's really not the case.

Like others have said best way to deal with these things is just to be matter of fact about them and not make a song and dance about it.

Do children with anxiety have anxiety because their parents make a huge deal out of every tiny throw away comment and prepare them for "big events" like a blood test? I have had countless blood tests and it's a tiny prick in your arm with "pain" that lasts about 10 seconds if that. It's not something to build up as a massive painful experience. It's almost a non-event

Sorry OP but I think YABU. This coupled with your previous threat about your daughter not being sent home from school makes you come across as a bit precious and over sensitive about your daughter. I think you should be helping her build resilience, you have her wrapped in cotton wool and it won’t do her any favours.

There is a lot of evidence that children are very suggestible and that we should not use any negative influencing words around procedures. Rather, let children decide for themselves what the experience is. So instead of saying scratch say you make feel something now. Or tell me what you feel. Or you may get a fizzy sensation. Essentially let children work things out for themselves or offer positive sensations that they can compare to.

@Prettynails

I don’t tell any of mine until an hour before if even that much and they are older. Seems a slight over reaction to rant on here as it is a typical comment anyone could make who isn’t empathetic might make * insert grandparent etc

He's her dad so should be empathetic to her!

Why on earth did you calm her down, walk downstairs then bring it all back up again? Really if she was that scared and upset, you wouldn't have announced it again infront of her after coming up with the plan and reassuring her. I think it sounds a bit like you set him up to be a bad guy. You have already said this is the sort of thing he often does/says.

Peraonally I think you ex has just agreed it wasn't the best and he didnt think because he can't be bothered with the over the top back and forth that would inevitably come from disagreeing.

@XelaM

Do children with anxiety have anxiety because their parents make a huge deal out of every tiny throw away comment and prepare them for "big events" like a blood test? I have had countless blood tests and it's a tiny prick in your arm with "pain" that lasts about 10 seconds if that. It's not something to build up as a massive painful experience. It's almost a non-event

🙄🙄

What do you mean she has sensitive skin and more likely to hurt? Is this an actual medically diagnosed condition??

@fallfallfall

“Scared her to death” how melodramatic.

Do you know what - I was told that as a child. My experiences were always invalidated. I've had to have a lot of therapy to deal with that trauma. We don't all feel the same thing. Some of us feel things more.

But it doesn't matter if my responses aren't the most helpful for helping someone else's anxiety! They are helpful for my DD and that's all that matters!

If you believe you are so right and your ex is so wrong, why start this thread? You know 81% on here think YABU, don’t you? 😂

@ThanksItHasPockets

It was clearly the wrong thing to say to your child but it would have been a perfectly empathetic thing to say to most children. It validates their understandable feelings while using a touch of litotes to to lighten the situation.

That's my point. He should know not to say that to his child.

Good god what a load of drama.

By going on about spray and how she will get muffins and cuddles etc you are teaching that a blood test is something to be over sensitive about.

Your child is being so over sensitive because you’re pandering to it. Tears and drama get rewards and cuddles, the more you promise her, the more likely it is she is going to burst into tears at something which is generally completely innocuous.

And if she’s never had one before she doesn’t know if it’s going to hurt, that idea has come from you.

no wonder there are so many anxious children these days.

Do children with anxiety have anxiety because their parents make a huge deal out of every tiny throw away comment and prepare them for "big events" like a blood test? I have had countless blood tests and it's a tiny prick in your arm with "pain" that lasts about 10 seconds if that. It's not something to build up as a massive painful experience. It's almost a non-event

Not in our case, no. We always play everything down. Our first child didn’t worry about anything. Still doesn’t whether that’s medical tests, exams, public speaking, nothing has ever bothered him. It was quite a shock that our second child was/is so different. She’s lovely though, yes she’s sensitive and can get anxious but she is the most caring teenager.

Op sorry if i've missed it, but what response would have been acceptable to you?

You bought up that she neede a blood test

He was put on the spot and you didn't like what he said

So what should he have said?

Your OP asked if what he said was wrong.
No, not really. Saying something like ‘I bet you’re not looking forward to that!’ is a sympathetic rather than goady comment I think.

Anyway, your following posts have revealed that she is sensitive, with sensitive skin and possibly Autistic.
Maybe you need to inform her Dad of this.

You both sound like a pair of drama llamas.
She's having a blood test, not brain surgery.
When my youngest was in and out of hospital as a child and having cannulas stuck in the back of her hand all the time, there wasn't any of this ridiculous drama.

@BuyDirt

Instead he was left downstairs while the conversation took place and then told just as a highly sensitive child was calming down and expected to have the perfect response!

He just needed to say anything which didn’t make it sound like it was something to worry about. Anything! He could have just said ‘ok’ when told about the blood test. But to be honest he should have said something reassuring knowing his daughter struggles with these things.

Her mom made her cry too, how is she any better?

[quote Sleepeatrepeat]@UndertheCedartree my dd is slightly younger than yours and has regular blood tests every 12 weeks and random ones in between as and when the hospital decide. She has gone through them for over 3 years and she is still terrified of them. I have never shown her my fear of them but she had a couple of nasty experiences with our gp nurse who didn't use the emla cream (numbing cream) so she knows it hurts.

Blood test needles are big and for small arms and small veins they are very painful.

Speak to your gp in advance and request emla cream and the proper patches. If you dm me I cam screen shot dd's prescription for you so you know what you are asking for if it helps. Put it on an hour before the blood test and take a search and find book to distract her and she won't feel a thing. The hospital do all sorts tondostract and relax dd and are amazing.

As for your actual question...your comments were perfect and her dad is a twat. But dd's dad also says stupid shit like that to her and then never once in nearly 9 years of being back and forth has he ever come to hospital with her. He thinks he is being supportive and by making light of it he is helping when in fact he just makes it 1000% harder for me.[/quote]
I feel this so much! When they say something like that when you have just put in so much effort calming them...when life is hard, it can push you over the edge for it to be made harder!

Thank you for your kind reply. I really needed to hear that. I experienced everything you say as a child. DD is definitely having the emla cream, thank you. And yes, ex has never been to the hospital with either.

Or you could say he was trying to validate her feelings

My experiences were always invalidated

Your DD’s Dad VALIDATED her feelings.
He agreed with her that it wasn’t something to particularly look forward to.

@Teaandtoastedbiscuits

Or you could say he was trying to validate her feelings

Xpost.

This.

And still you refuse the answer the question @UndertheCedartree

Why did you calm her down and then come downstairs with her, and bring it all up again?

I’ll keep asking.

@GooglyEyeballs

To be honest I think his comment was a good thing to say.. hear me out... sometimes, the more of a fuss you make over these things the more you validate anxiety over it. But if you're casual about it then it normalises it a bit more, like it's no big deal, makes it less scary. Obviously that doesn't work in every scenario! Your dd is obviously very nervous so didn't react well, but DH didn't actually do anything wrong. I would try to reassure DD that it's no biggy. I find the best thing to do is encourage children to view it as a nasty pinch but ultimately something kind of cool and sciencey! (But again every situation different). Sorry your dd is so scared! Hopefully once it's done she'll realise it was nothing to be afraid of.

I hope so! Especially, as this shouldn't be a traumatic experience for as got a plan. I never lost my fear as a child but that was because I had awful experiences.