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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:04

As her dad,

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:05

@Cognoscenti - I've explained how he said it/how it came across. I didn't call him an idiot! I just measured him to say he'd scared DD. He said he should have thought before he spoke! As of course he knows DD is sensitive to that kind of comment!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/03/2022 20:05

@BuyDirt

He didn't know you'd just spent ages calming her down. I think you've being a bit harsh on him for one comment, but I get how annoying it is.

It as her dad, he should have known this is the sort of situation which his daughter could feel very anxious about. The default is to play situations like this down when you have a sensitive and anxious child.

And if she had involved him in the conversation he would have been in a better position to do that.

Instead he was left downstairs while the conversation took place and then told just as a highly sensitive child was calming down and expected to have the perfect response!

oakleaffy · 07/03/2022 20:07

Nothing wrong at all about what her dad said.

AnneBoleynsSixthFinger · 07/03/2022 20:08

I don't mean to be unkind, OP, but you have asserted many times that your daughter is just like you and therefore you can pre-empt her feelings by referring to what your own would be.
I know your motivations are great but it feels like you don't fully recognise her as a separate human being.

BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:09

Instead he was left downstairs while the conversation took place and then told just as a highly sensitive child was calming down and expected to have the perfect response!

He just needed to say anything which didn’t make it sound like it was something to worry about. Anything! He could have just said ‘ok’ when told about the blood test. But to be honest he should have said something reassuring knowing his daughter struggles with these things.

Nocutenamesleft · 07/03/2022 20:09

Wait

What?

My daughter has had blood tests every 6 months since a baby. Even now she doesn’t fear them. It’s over in a few mins.

Fear is taught. If we don’t teach our children to be fearful. Then they won’t be. We’re only born with 2 fears. Falling and loud noises.

If you tell it in a positive way. I always said it will hurt for a min. But it’s not bad and it’s over with in a few mins and my child was fine. Even my other child who needed a blood tests also didn’t fear them.

It’s how you sell the situation. It really is.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:09

@WonderfulYou

Hopefully this thread has made you realise you are not always right.

Both you and her dad made her cry.

You think what you said was best and he thinks what he said is best.
Somewhere in the middle is probably perfect.

Should he be honest - definitely.
But there’s a way to do it without scaring someone.

Should you prepare her - definitely.
But you need to do it in a way that’s not going to make her more anxious by making it a big deal.

No, I didn't make her cry. It was finding out she needed a blood test that made her cry. He doesn't think what he said is best, he thinks what I say is best and I'm just better at looking after the DC. I just make more effort, imo. I have made her less anxious and made it less of a deal than it was originally. That's all I can do.
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:10

@DillDanding

I’m with you OP, he didn’t need to say that at all.

Ime, being bright and breezy about blood tests is the way to go.

Mind you, I’ve got a needle phobic (veins, not jabs) teenager, so what do I know? Confused

You can only do your best!
OP posts:
KneadingKitty · 07/03/2022 20:11

Jesus, imagine making a thread about a throw away comment like that.

cuno · 07/03/2022 20:11

Well, plenty of people have agreed with me! However, as I said it was just a vent!

No, not plenty. A few people in the minority agreed. The vast majority of us are telling you YABU. You didn't say you only came here to vent in your OP at all. No, you posted on AIBU and enabled voting expecting everyone to froth at what a dickhead your ex is, and then because it didn't go your way you are massively dripfeeding all sorts of information and now only say you came here to vent. Right.

BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:12

Nothing wrong at all about what her dad said.

To a child with anxiety there is.

Seriously, my would have been fine with this, you could have joked with him about a huge needle, his arm falling off, anything, he’d have laughed.
My daughter would have needed reassurance and kind words. And that’s ok.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:12

@BeHappy91818

I have a child with ASD, stop using that as an excuse. You are being dramatic and over the top.
Please stop invalidating people's lived experiences. I hope you don't do that to your DC, it messes them up mentally.
OP posts:
harrystylestaylorswift · 07/03/2022 20:13

I think without context, it might seem silly that you're hung up about him making her cry but as a father, he must know that she is super sensitive for whatever reasons and should know by now what makes her worse and what she'd find comforting. Hopefully she finds the blood test fine and won't be so het up about it if she ever has to have one again.

KneadingKitty · 07/03/2022 20:13

@Nocutenamesleft

Wait

What?

My daughter has had blood tests every 6 months since a baby. Even now she doesn’t fear them. It’s over in a few mins.

Fear is taught. If we don’t teach our children to be fearful. Then they won’t be. We’re only born with 2 fears. Falling and loud noises.

If you tell it in a positive way. I always said it will hurt for a min. But it’s not bad and it’s over with in a few mins and my child was fine. Even my other child who needed a blood tests also didn’t fear them.

It’s how you sell the situation. It really is.

Absolute BS. Just because YOUR child isn't afraid doesn't mean it's a credit to you. I have a son who has regular blood tests and has never batted an eyelid. I have a daughter who in the last 6 months has needed blood tests and was absolutely hysterical about them. I am not afraid of these things and didn't pass any comments. She's just afraid. Fear is not taught.
Nocutenamesleft · 07/03/2022 20:13

@newnameforthis76

Do they actually use numbing cream on kids when they have blood tests, nowadays? I had loads of blood tests when I was a kid and they never used a numbing cream. Has that changed now?

Either way, I think you’re both in the wrong. Your ex might have been a little bit tactless but you’re pandering to your daughter’s extreme reactions and letting her build up a tiny event into something that requires muffins and cuddles and fuss.

My reaction would have been “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, sweetheart! You’ll feel it a tiny bit but the nurse will be really kind and it’ll be over so quickly you’ll barely notice. Anyway- what shall we have for tea?”

They do when my child has it.

They’ve got a spray. However that’s rubbish. My daughter had it once and never again. The cream is ok. But they make you wait an hour.

It’s over and done with so quick. The phlebotomists who do children’s blood tests are usually sooooo good and incredibly quick. They usually also have a tv. They get a sticker. My daughter looks forward to hers!! She’s a nutter 😂😂

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:14

@milkysmum

I think it's clear that the OP is not going to accept that her own responses may not be the most helpful in managing someone else's anxiety.
But it doesn't matter if my responses aren't the most helpful for helping someone else's anxiety! They are helpful for my DD and that's all that matters!
OP posts:
BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:14

my son would have been fine

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 20:16

Once again:

Why did you bring it all up again in front of her, after you’d calmed her down?

Why won’t you answer this question, @UndertheCedartree ?

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 20:16

@BuyDirt

my son would have been fine
Fascinating…..
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:16

@willithappen

As someone who was/is terrified of getting blood taken I don't think you should have told her so far in advance to 'prepare' her. The longer you know about it the longer you have to overthink and work yourself up about it. Over thinking it all is what causes me an anxiety attack over it where I pretty much faint and it's purely because of thinking too much beforehand and expecting the worst.

I don't think your partner should have mentioned to her that it was going to hurt so I do think he's unreasonable there. Not a good reaction from dad. Probably something like 'it will be okay'

However I do think BOTH of your responds to her were unreasonable and telling her it will hurt. For all you know it may not hurt her at all. Just because you find them painful doesn't mean she will. You can try prepare her all you like but until you know how she handles it I don't think you can prepare for it to hurt, just prepare her of what will actually happen.

She has sensitive skin so more likely to hurt. I did just say it might hurt a little. She needs the time to process it as it takes her time to get her head round something. If I told her tomorrow morning she would have panicked and it would have been very unlikely I would have got her to the hospital.
OP posts:
BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:17

OP gave her child the basic facts, and calmed her down with the promise of a nice cake afterwards. The dads comment made his child think it was something she should dread due to the sarcasm used. There’s a world of difference.

BuyDirt · 07/03/2022 20:18

Fascinating…..

I was correcting something in my previous post, I missed the word ‘son’ out.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 20:18

@WorraLiberty

I don't think your partner should have mentioned to her that it was going to hurt so I do think he's unreasonable there.

He didn't, did he?

Apologies if I missed the OP adding that bit.

He didn't specifically say that but that was what it made her think. In hindsight he realised.
OP posts:
Mocara · 07/03/2022 20:18

You gave her the idea that it would be painful !!! What a load of bloody nonsense !!! "pain " 😂 well god help her when she gets a splinter ,bumps her knee or god forbid she breaks a nail , she'll need flamin therapy .