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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
BulletTrain · 06/03/2022 14:14

The baby courses here are 6 weeks. You'd have left your friend to go to 66% on her own by now.

floorbird · 06/03/2022 14:14

@watcherintherye

What do you do differently if you go with her rather than seeing her there? Do you wait for each other outside if you arrange to go together, or walk/travel together?
Get coffee nearby and then walk together
OP posts:
KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 14:14

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once
She hasn't said for no good reason though. She's being thoughtful, if you make it this time she'll see you there if not, no worries.
Bellyups · 06/03/2022 14:14

I would have stopped arranging to go with you after the third cancellation (and yes, you cancelled 4 times)
Flakeyness/unreliability aren’t attractive when building new friendships

alexdgr8 · 06/03/2022 14:14

@RedskyThisNight

Her message was factual, not rude.

If you were a new friend who'd mixed up the time of our meeting once, and "let the day get away from you" on another occasion, you would already be filed under "unreliable", let alone the two other occasions. So I'm not surprised she is not making her future arrangements based on you.

exactly. you sound childish, not taking responsibility and then acting offended when other people react in a logical way to you. you are unreliable. and so she's not going to expect you to keep to arrangements, due to her experience of you, so she's not having any more expectations of you. which is sensible. just let it go.
Janfebmar · 06/03/2022 14:14

If I were you I'd stop posting about it and arguing that you are right and 98% of replies are wrong. Instead spend the time messaging your friend apologising for being an unreliable and frankly shit friend to her.

She might be understanding about it. I wouldn't, I've had enough of flakey unreliable people who don't value my time.

stuntbubbles · 06/03/2022 14:14

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once
She didn’t imply you’d done it for no good reason - you’re projecting.

She’s also entitled to do whatever she wants, she has no obligation to continue plans with you WHEN YOU KEEP CANCELLING THEM.

What part of this makes you think she owes you anything?!

Whinge · 06/03/2022 14:15

but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason.

You're taking this way too personally, she didn't imply anything about your reasons for cancelling. Confused Her reply was factual and to the point she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 06/03/2022 14:15

Holy Shit OP
I can only think you're being deliberately obtuse rather than the less than polite alternatives.

KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 14:15

Get coffee nearby and then walk together
Ask her if she wants to get coffee and walk back together once you're there then.

Theluggage15 · 06/03/2022 14:16

3 times it was in your control! I can’t believe you actually think she’s being unfair!! What a joke. It’s not all about you, stop being so completely self absorbed.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/03/2022 14:16

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once

The first and last times were both in your control.

Beees · 06/03/2022 14:16

I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks

So you genuinely believe she should continue to arrange to meet you and risk you not turning up or leaving her in the lurch again rather than just meeting you there?

This women has her own life and no doubt countless other mum friends she doesn't need you, you're not that important that she should wait to be at your neck and call. If anything you sound like you should be doing everything you can to make it up to her because it's beyond clear that out of the two of you, you really need her.

pixie5121 · 06/03/2022 14:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaForTiger · 06/03/2022 14:16

I would just stop saying you will come. It is annoying.

I very much doubt she finds it any easier than you do, it's just about priorities. This activity/ friend isn't a priority for you. You've made it very obvious to her and she feels a bit hurt.

viques · 06/03/2022 14:17

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once
That is the third time you have used the phrase “ it isn’t fair”. Are you 9?

Don’t you dare slam that door!

myrtleWilson · 06/03/2022 14:17

@watcherintherye

What do you do differently if you go with her rather than seeing her there? Do you wait for each other outside if you arrange to go together, or walk/travel together?
how would the OP know.... she never turns up!!
MothExterminator · 06/03/2022 14:18

OP, if this is real, this is what I could do. Text her back, apologise for not being there the previous four times. Then tell her that you will be going (and show up this time) and also that you will text her in the morning of the day to see if she is going as you would love to grab coffee together.

ISmellBurnings · 06/03/2022 14:18

@Pumpfive

You've also ignored the isolation question. Where are you that you have to isolate ?
Yup.
Sofiegiraffe · 06/03/2022 14:18

I very much doubt she finds it any easier than you do, it's just about priorities. This activity/ friend isn't a priority for you. You've made it very obvious to her and she feels a bit hurt.

One trillion percent this.

DillDanding · 06/03/2022 14:18

I think your friend is being reasonable. You have cancelled 4x.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 06/03/2022 14:19

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once
No-one is obliged to be your mum friend OP.

You've let her down. Three times with poor reasons of your own choice/making.
She's avoiding continuing your plans to meet because YOU have avoided meeting.

Chalk this up to experience, learn from it that no-one owes you a friendship and commit to working harder at making friends by being reliable and realising that relationships are conditional and reciprocal.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/03/2022 14:20

@zeldaonadreamcloud

Excellent last paragraph and really good advice for the OP!

MMMarmite · 06/03/2022 14:20

You're being unreasonable.

You can still meet her there, as she said. She's not refused to be your friend. She has her own life and kids to prioritise, and no long term track record of knowing you to prove you're not just flakey.

A good friend cancelled on me three times recently. I know that he has a lot going on, but I felt rejected and unimportant to him. So I took a big step back, rather than keep chasing him and getting hurt. We met up recently and he cooked me lunch, so I know he does value the friendship, but I was expecting more of him than he had time for. It's healthy to adjust your expectations if someone repeatedly lets you down, even if it's not their fault: it's no fun to be arranging your life around plans that keep failing to happen.

cuno · 06/03/2022 14:21

You have cancelled 4 times. Your reasons may well be genuine, but how does she know that? It comes across as flakey at best from where she's sitting. She's still going along next time, but doesn't want to tie into plans with you specifically as she has already been let down 4 times in the space of 5 weeks!